He keeps asking me to eat dinner with him. I make excuses like “I just ate” etc. but should I just be honest? I got him DoorDash set up so he can order food anytime but he doesn’t want to use it for himself. He wants to use it to order food for both of us. His apartment smells because he is incontinent and unable to take his trash out. I don’t live there and he has a housekeeper that takes his trash out once a week. The smell hits you when you walk in. I’ve done thorough cleaning and disinfecting and opened all windows but it needs this daily in order for me to want to share a meal there. I can’t take him out of his apartment because he is obese and I have a bad back so I can’t maneuver him in his extra large wheelchair.
I would be honest and try to create resources that deal with the problem. I was never successful in getting services for my mom, she didn't see a problem with her house :-(
If he is not compliant to allow this, you can always call APS and report conditions in the home.
Or, call 911, have them transport him to ER , get assessment and options from social services there.
Practice self care
https://gi.org/topics/fecal-incontinence/
Calling Adult Protective Services to come to Dad's place mid-week before the caretaker comes can help them place Dad.
Matilda
Other than bring over food, what do you do for him? Do you take him to doctor appointments? Do you take him to grocery shop? Do you do his grocery shopping?
Are you enabling his "independence"?
Don't you think he needs facility care at this point?
My wife has the problem and has accidents. I use a wet-dry vaccum to extract the urine, cover with puppy absorbent sheet to dry, remove, and spray with disinfectant. Flush toilet to clear smell. We flush minimal due to national water shortage. We put shower water in buckets to use as flush water. I wash down the bathroom with disinfectant. I check the bedroom and hallway carpet for wet spots.
A natural alternative deorderizer is a solution of 1 part vinegar and 1 part Baking soda and water in a sprayer. I hope this helps.
My uncle was 500 pounds and after his wife died he spent his entire life locked away inside his house. Like your dad he had someone come a couple of days a week to bring food or throw the garbage but he still had tons of boxes and bags and junk filling up rooms. This was a man who was CEO of a company, a talented artist and in the end his life was reduced to being bed bound and living in filth. He died of a heart attack 2 years ago.
Your dad is slowly killing himself and better he is somewhere he can interact with people daily then be locked away in his apartment because you and your sister are afraid he will get COVID and die.
At least get him moved to a house or apartment on the ground floor with handicap doorways so he can get out of the house. He needs someone coming in daily to throw the garbage. Can he even clean himself in the shower at this point?
A housekeeper is coming once a WEEK? You can't accomplish ANYTHING in a 2 hr cleaning once a week. I BET the place smells.
Sounds like he has developed nose-blindness. He can't smell himself or his home! And he's probably perfectly fine with it too. I'm kinda gagging right now, thinking about it.
It really is time to move him to a place where he can be washed and fed and cared for appropriately, and you know that, don't you?
No, he can't roam around an ALF naked, sorry. But he's kind of given you no choice!
Does he live in a home or an apartment? Apartments often share air, even when well built and well insulated. We used to manage apartments and I routinely had to tell the tenant upstairs from us that she HAD to wash the baby's diapers. I can't even imagine what his neighbors are thinking--has anyone reached out to you?
If he can dress when he knows you're coming over, why can't he dress daily? At least in shorts and a t shirt. Who wants to look at a naked obese, smelly man while they eat?
It does sound like he is not capable of caring for himself in any kind of manner that would be considered "healthy".
At the EOL for my FIL, he wanted to be naked all the time. I wouldn't do one thing for him if he wouldn't put on pants. He also had double incontinence and simply tossed a damp towel on any 'accidents'....took me a while to figure out that one. After he died every single thing in his condo had to be cleaned, painted over with KILZ and all flooring ripped up and re done. EVERYTHING in the place had absorbed the smells, from urine and feces to trash---his built in wooden bookshelves took 2 months to 'out-gas' the smell. A SMELL.
IDK why some people have such a hard time with basic cleanliness. Being obese makes it worse. This is a problem that bowls of vinegar set out to 'clean the air' is just not going to make it.
Is the housekeeper only there once a week? If more then the trash can be taken out more often. No food goes into my trash can. I have a mini trash can I line with a zip lock bag. All food not eaten goes in there. When full I zip up and throw in the trash outside. For my kitchen trashcan, all food cans get rinsed out. No food is left in take out containers and they get rinsed out too. I can go a week and no smell from that can. Of course, my mini can is taken out every other day or so.
Does Dad wear Depends. If not he should. If he can't find ones big enough then have him put a tab one in his jocks. Better than nothing. Then you buy a trashcan where the lid fit tightly and line it with a trash bag. Put some kind of deodorant inside. When Dad soils a diaper, it goes into that trash can. Again, though, it needs to be taken out more than once a week.
Actually, I give u credit for doing as much as u do, I would not enter my Dads home if he was like this. There has to be some mental decline to think this is OK. For the smell bowls of vinegar around may help. Hope he is paying his housekeeper well.
He also needs an aide coming in daily to help him with his personal hygiene.
Nobody likes to eat alone and that is understandable. If you hire a caregiver the three of you (your father, the caregiver, and yourself) can start going out of the apartment together.
Your father needs more help in his home.
He needs to be bathed on a routine basis. He needs to be cleaned properly after toileting and if he is not using a toilet he needs to be changed frequently.
If he is as obese as you indicate if he is not moving there is a VERY great possibility that he may have pressure sores that are infected. If not infected then at the least they are open wounds that need to be tended to.
He is not properly caring for himself.
Is anyone POA for Health?
This could be reported to APS as self neglect.
He should be seen by a doctor. If you have great concern you could call 911, ask for transport to the hospital for a well being check.
Um. How long has your father been living like this? Could you give us some background to his situation?
It sounds like your Dad, due to his morbid obesity, is now in need of care. I would speak honestly with him, as he is now used to the odor if indeed he can smell it (sense of smell leaves some people in these conditions).
I would speak to APS if your Dad refuses to consider placement. I am so sorry. You shouldn't be risking your own health on attempting to do this care, which may need to be done with lifts and trained personnel.