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He goes to bed between 6 to 7 at night and since the pandemic we have no activity.


What kind of things can I get him to do with me at home now? Can’t stand because of pain and can’t go on walks. He could do other things. Please help. I am going downward with him.

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I'm so sorry to hear this. What about board games? Friends or relatives that you could make weekly plans with? Work/ Church friends you could see weekly?
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Puzzles? Dice games?

Can your husband hear well? This could be why conversation is kinda nonexistent.

You may have to just get going without him to safe guard your health and wellbeing. Go for a daily walk by yourself or call a friend to join you. Reach out and volunteer.

He may decide that being left alone is not for him and start engaging how he can.

Take care of you!
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NobodyGetsIt Oct 2020
"Isthisrealyreal,"

If her husband is hard of hearing, puzzles would be a very good thing to do because if he doesn't really like or want to talk at least they would be doing something together. I actually like working on puzzles as I find it a great distraction from the bombardment of world events.
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Get some hobbies you can enjoy by yourself so you don't have to rely on him
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Hi Joyce,

First of all, sending you a warm hug through cyber-space. Feelings of isolation and loneliness can be very depressing and I can see why you are distressed.

As to how you can get your husband to be more engaging, the puzzle idea sounds like an idea to try. In fact, a way to make it even more engaging is to have a puzzle made of one of your (and his) favorite pictures. Here is a link where you can upload a picture and order a puzzle:

https://www.snapfish.com/photo-puzzle-with-box-details#!/pdpview

For your own mental health can you make arrangements to see a friend, let's say once a week, for a walk outside, or some other activity you could do while still being cautious about covid?

In the evenings when your husband sleeps what about engaging with online groups? Do you have a Facebook account? If so search for groups that interest you. Reach out to your local church if you belong to one. Also let your friends and others know that you would like to have some company. Sometimes people just don't know, so they don't think to offer. Do you have family or friends you can video chat with with either Zoom or FaceTime?

And there is always this forum too. Keep posting and reaching out. People here care.
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If you can get him out of the house try using a wheel chair for walks and fresh air. I did that with Luz and she liked it. She got to see people and new things. Bathrooms were the only difficulty.
But we never had problems with people only the design of the stalls.
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I am so sorry that you are lonely and hurting.

I felt lonely and isolated as a full time caregiver. Many people do. I also felt like I was going down. It’s normal because our activities slow down to a halt. We miss being active. It’s normal for you to miss the interaction with your husband.

What did you like to do before you were his caregiver? Is it possible to do some of those things without him? I know that you want him to join you but he isn’t able to do what he did when he was well.

What do you feel that he can still do? Have you spoken to him about this? If so, what was his response?

Did either of you participate in a senior center before? If so, what did you like there? Can you do some of these things at your home?

Do you get a break from caregiving? Of course, you love him but everybody needs a break to spend with others.

Best wishes to you and your husband.
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This is a common and sad situation.

My Dh talks to me about things of interest almost never. He'd talk POLITICS all day long without taking a breath--but I can't bear to hear the nonstop anger. Nothing he says or feels is relevant to my life, and in fact has amped my anxiety levels to an incredible high. I'm actually on medication to calm my racing heart!! He wants to argue with someone, anyone, so badly, he doesn't care that arguing makes my heart pound and it's PAINFUL.

Last night he wanted to talk about the VP debate. I didn't. He wouldn't stop, so I got up, put in earplugs and went to bed and read. I know he thinks I am using the hyper-anxiety thing as an excuse--but I can't argue with him--I simply don't care enough to do so.

Although he is not elderly and needing my care, he doesn't help out around the house at all, so I am doing double duty, cleaning up after him.

My 'breaks' are long drives alone or time spent with grandkids. The thought of his retirement net year has me in a knot. We WILL be seeking counseling before he can retire.

My kids have already told me that I am welcome to live with them, but not their dad. He is not a bad guy by any means, just myopic when it comes to the desires of other people to have conversations. If we refuse to talk politics with him, he lays on the sofa and looks at FB.

He is nothing like the man I married--it's sad, and I am the one doing all the adjusting. He's content to lay in bed for 2-3 days when he has time off and do nothing. And the TV is often on 24 hours at a time. I lost the 'TV in the bedroom fight' 7 years ago. I moved out. He literally chose a TV over me. That stings, even 7 years later.

He is only 68 and still working FT from home--which has increased the amount of time he spends with the TV on and the news blasting away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
My Lord, Mid!

I don’t blame you for wanting counseling before he retires. You have been through enough.

Sending hugs to you 💓.
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It is hard when relationships change. I am likely at my happiest alone, but like to share at times as well. My fellow and I are often ships passing peacefully. He at his workbench, me in the garden; he at CNN and me reading. My hobbies aren't his. So we have always had an inner life while sharing moments, trips, family, etc together. Covid-19 cuts out so much that was "family". And I can't do my beloved junk shopping now.
If you find things you enjoy alone, doing them will make you tired enough to be able to sit companionably with him and watch a bit of mindless tube.
Any chance for cards, checkers, scrabble, chess, parchessi, backgammon? We sometimes play solitaire alone together! Me at the counter, him at the table.
Wishing you good luck. It is to be noted, we all end alone. One of us will eventually leave the other alone. It is good to have things to do you love. Scrapbooking? art? collage? garden? Writing the world's next great mystery?
I make my own earrings.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
I make jewelry too! It’s fun.
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If your husband is 68 and prefers the TV to your company in bed, I’d say your marriage is on the way to the ‘out’ door. You are probably a bit younger, and you could have the rest of your life spent like this. I’d say perhaps give him another chance by stopping virtually everything you do for him and getting out to enjoy yourself. If possible, go away for a while. He might decide that he doesn’t want that – he just wants to do what he wants and have you hanging around as well. He might change if he gets to enjoy only his own company and finds it as boring as it sounds. If he doesn’t change, reconsider the entire relationship. Is there any chance that things might change after the election? You don’t want this for the rest of your life.
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Midkid58 Oct 2020
One would think--but I am in this for the long haul. We do love each other, enough to keep working at this.

He chose the TV over me more like 20 years ago--I put up with it until I began having some health issues and I needed to get 10 solid hours of sleep.

I am 5 years younger. And yes, once the election is over he will calm down. WFH has been a nightmare and a good warning that we cannot co-habit an office. We're planning to move as part of the retirement and he will have a nice office down in the basement where he can do what he wants.

With 5 married kids and 14 beautiful grands, I am trying to count my blessings and take care of me. If he wants to join in, he's welcome, but I no longer fuss him the way I used to. It's not reciprocated and I'm tired.

But I do not believe in divorce over what is really a fixable problem. If HE is willing to meet me halfway.
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let him meditate with TV.. It is okay. What time does he wake up? If you want things more "normal" start the day with coffee, small talk, and breakfast. Maybe this is the better time for you both to connect...
There is no right or wrong in these times. change up the schedule...
do you both work? If so, find another SLOT OF TIME for you.
yes, I know, I live that same situation too.. I still have not found a "solution".. If you do, please let me know...
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This should not have anything to do with the "presidential" election"?

Seriously? God, Just turn off the TV if an issue with marriage has something to do with trump, biden or west,,

that is seriously dope stupid. '"THE ELECTION" should not determine a couple's love, life, or living... good gracious.... SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET A LIFE,,,,,

COVID ... yes, that puts a strain on the WORLD.... hello... a lot of people...

" STAY CALM.... PUT ON (mask) .... CARRY ON....honestly...
and if you feel you need to be noticed... PUT on eye makeup.. like it'sHalloween..
Or, day of the Dead, Blue Mascara, gold mascara>.. "spooky"
treasure island. Make up your own eye glamour face experience... all black mascara... all over the top of your face...litarrly... above the crown eyes.. who knows.

PUMPKIN EYES.. PIRATE EYES, CAT EYES, red glowy sunglass eyes...

get paints, and canvas,,, start your own creative museum... E
I don't have answsers... pain exists, and it controls us... physically, mentally, and it is real...
when spouse gets in too much pain,, I bury and water plants... give them berth.. a wide space to allow it to release......
Just know, if they yell for you,,, you don't "need" to answer. You do not need to attend every "party you are invited to".. Ignore and plant, plants.
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no arguing... walk the dog.. Don't have one? Borrow one. Or jusst go for a walk.
just read the part about arguing about TV and politics...
jus tell him to go vote, nothing else can be done

Yes, earl\plugs are good, and so are long solo baths... lock that door, pour in bubble bath juice, dim lights, and relax. or put in ear pods when around him, and apologize that you are in a conversation with someone... you will talk with him in a few.... minutes, hours.... yup, you get it... make your own free time/space...
Start baking... don't care... make it burn a bit.. and that will be your note to cut out of any disgruntled arguments you do not want to listen to... sorry dear,, something is burning... got to get to it before oven explodes...
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In Other Words:


SQUIRREL !!
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DARTS !!!

If you get too upset,,, throw one at his thigh right above the knee...
no real damage, it just sticks until they pull it out.. I never played darts with that person again. I hate needles... Now I remember why.
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What about board games? Or go out and about yourself, have lunch with friends at outdoor venues and build a life that doesn’t depend upon his participation. It seems true that men withdraw from friendships and activities the older they get and they also seem to become more sedentary and even less talkative. If you don’t arrange his social schedule, he certainly never will. He’s also very likely to die before you and creating and maintaining a social network for yourself is more important than ever. Your husband should not be your only source of entertainment at this stage of your life, or any stage for that matter. Perhaps if you were less available, he would be more interested in talking to you when you come in from your activities.
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Time for a stroll down memory lane. What activities did you both enjoy before the pain caused problems? What hobbies or activities did you, he, and together enjoy when you first dated, first married, first had family...? Revisit those. Add new ideas to investigate together.

Time for some talk. Together decide on when to turn off the TV or how much tv is OK during the day. Use a timer and when it goes off, finish the program and tv goes off. Consider reading a book together or learning about nature, science, or how things are made or done. Plan for a trip after COVID is no longer a problem. Call family or friends and have a group conversation.

Address the pain. Get an appointment to see his doctor. If need be, ask the doctor for a specialist referral. Try physical therapy, walking/exercising in a pool, losing weight, medications, surgery... I have arthritis in knees and hands. I take Aleve, use Voltaren gel, try do my physical therapy exercises and stay active, and have had corrective surgery on my hands. Do I have pain? Yes, but will not let it rule my life.
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You need you go forward and live your life. I too lived with this for 15 years and married almost 30.. But I just felt if I want to have a life and live it. I just needed to do it. Sign him him up with home care or Respite care...and go have fun. As for myself my spouse never changed or even wanted to compromise, so I ended up leaving and now I have
Content active life living in a RETIREMENT Community with new friends and family and I'm 76yrs. Life is too short
Live it while you can. Yes, I live on less
Money but I'm much happier now.
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Janny50 Feb 2021
You are my hero!!! I am 51, married 7 years now to a man who is only 53, I think we are still young, I don't feel 50, when we were courting we had a ball, danced, trips, games, playing cards and couldn't keep our hands off one another to barely wait till marriage, the night we married things changed, he was rigid and cold & his demeanor is pretty domineering, compromise is not an option and he doesn't even take care of himself and now many of his health issues that I helped him get in check 5 years ago are back, it's like I am married to a 90 year old man, if I don't sit and watch tv with him, there is nothing else, I realized I have gained 30 lbs and not as active as I used to be, I started eating healthier and being more active at home during the pandemic, he was not interested, he has diabetes, HPB, glaucoma, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and he literally sits around all day eating salty foods and just seems apathetic and let's not get to the bedroom which is only used for sleeping at this point because he can't function in that department either, he really says I am no fun and don't laugh with him, but the only thing he talks about is TV shows and I have done that now for 7 years and frankly I am tired, we go on vacation once a year around our anniversary but it's all my effort, when we were courting he planned dates and made reservations, now it's just work, eat and watch tv, repeat, repeat, when I turned 50 last year, I was suddenly filled with this anxiety, I could live to be 80 or 90 and this is how it's going to be forever? I was depressed for many months and we both lost our jobs to no fault of our own, no health insurance to receive counseling or meds and I just about gave up till I read other women's stories like yours in your 60's and 70's that find a way to get on and enjoy life, I am not ready to get in the casket yet it feels like I am living in one just waiting on death to say it's ok go to sleep now. I am fighting for myself daily and I have had so many discussions with him, he says and says but never does, how many years do I waste waiting? I care for him but my eros is gone, My mom said I am selfish because this is marriage, the good and the worst and I feel like he is selfish, worst is beyond your control and I love you enough to make do, this is a choice daily to do absolutely nothing and expect someone to only enjoy what you enjoy and nothing else! I am making plans to divorce, unfortunately! Thank you for sharing, you give me hope!
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Time for virtual counseling. I would also stop catering to him if you do. Make him get up and do things. If he's 7n that much pain time to visit doc. I bet the doc would day get up and move.

My dad thought I would cater to him. Bring meals into tv room. He wasn't happy he had to get up. But on day 2 he enjoyed the coffee & conversation at the kitchen table. He was thrilled to find out I could record programs. He found the military/history Channel. He was velco'd to the TV after that.

You can also vid chat/call with your extended family, grandkids. Get involved with their interests. Ask lots of questions. Im sure the kids would love to tell you about things. Sometimes parents are too busy to listen. I've seen that a lot. Kids are greatful someone really took an interest and listened.
Can you start a Ladies group of some kind? Early morning walks. Or stretching class somewhere. Or strengthening class with some power bands. Can be real time or virtual. Ti chi. Or get into those ted talks, books that you listen to while you do something else, big puzzles, coloring books for adults. Drive to a new place to check it out.
Or rescue a cat/dog. Something, anything. 1 person can't be your sole focus. I got a dog. You cannot be sad with a new best friend. Looking at you lovingly, or ready for their walk, training, or play time. My dog saved my sanity with so much stress I am under. Taught her all sorts of tricks. She destresses me immediately. Good luck.
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Have you or has he talked to his doctor about the pain? ware that the pain he has is impacting his life this much?
There is noting in your profile that mentions any medical conditions so these are general comments.
Does he have a wheelchair? You can both get out he can propel himself or you can push him along. Even just along the sidewalk back and forth in front of your house, or around the block would be better than sitting in front of the TV for the same length of time.
If he is resistant and refuses to get up and get moving then....
You go for a walk.
You get in the car and go for a drive, stop at a park, stop at a farm stand and buy some apples and veggies.
Again you do not mention any conditions that would indicate that it would be unsafe for him to be left alone.

Funny thing is the less you move, the more you hurt, the more you hurt the less you move sort of a viscous cycle isn't it? So again my suggestion is to have him see his doctor to get the pain taken care of. the other part of this is or can be Depression. If someone is in a lot of pain and can not do the things they want to do there can be a bit of depression that comes with that and maybe guilt if he is concerned about not being able to do things with you. So possibly a bit of therapy for the depression might help as well and with pain management the two may get better.

But don't wait for him get out and do things for yourself. And if it is not safe to leave him have someone come in and stay with him for a few hours at least 1 time a week so you can get out and get some time to yourself
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drooney Oct 2020
Great suggestions! If this woman's husband won't at least go for a drive, she needs to give herself some quality time! It should help uplift her spirits.
Think now, there are small group activities at local Senior Centers which you can sign up for in advance. That would help with the lonely feelings. Or call a friend just to connect!
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Have him work on crossword puzzles with you.

Read a Book Together.

Listen to music.

Give each other a Massage.

Watch Home Movies or go thru pucture Albums.

Put together regular puzzles.

Play Cards, Dominos or Board Games.

What about painting a Paint by number?

You may get something to build from a hobby shop like a little boat or put together a model car or airplane while you strung beads for a necklace.

Make a Windchime.

Put your husband in a wheelchair and push him for a ride around the block or at the park.

Go for a nice drive to the beach and smell the fresh air and feed and watch the birds.

Find a Church that has Outside Service where you stay in your car.
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MAYDAY Oct 2020
Do Not actually push him DOWN the driveway... much too dangerous.
someone asked for help one day. HIs car car wouldn't start. (this was after rolling down the street? never heard him) my first car was a stick. so when you get stuck with a stick, you bump start it. hopefully the street you are on has a slope...
well, I asked if he wanted help. Literally there is a car parts place down the drive. I had my gardening gloves on... before he knew it,I was pushing his lil car down, away from me... this was after he asked if I had cables.. naw... did he have autoclub? no... so I told my dog to stay put... and offered a bit of assistance... he helped a lil until I told him he better jump in, else his car is going to get away from him. A few more seconds... he would have been in a blunder... hope the parts place was able to help...
but i got a few trees out of my yard that I didn't plant
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I am in the same situation. My husband has MS and is permanently in a wheelchair and can't do any of the things we used to do together. Only wants to watch TV. But, we watch favorite movies together or go out to eat. I think the problem is depression because they can't do what they are used to doing. You just have to get creative to find things you can do. I suggest puzzles, card games or board games (my husband loves scrabble) or you might have to find something else to do that keeps you close but not sitting along with him.
I have recently taken up quilting and I put a folding table in the room where he is while I stand and cut out fabric pieces for my quilt. It helps me to get up and move some otherwise I start hurting from sitting too much too.
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If the sports aren't on, open a BEER play cards
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Does he like board games (chess, checkers, cards, etc), how about working on puzzles?  Is he too proud to use a wheelchair? if not, then you could go on walks while pushing him OR he could move the chair himself if you can get a motorized one.  I am sure he is depressed, can he take some meds to help with that?  how about taking a drive (not sure where you live) out in the country.  I know its hard right now, but wishing you luck. I am sure some others have some good ideas as well.
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I hate to say this - I went through the same. I finally realized no matter what I suggested or did, it wasn't going to change. So I got very involved in all kinds of clubs and activities which were of interest to me and worked at that. I ended up with new friends and found I could enjoy myself and wasn't so lonely. While it is not what you had hoped for, sometimes this is the ONLY way we have to survive and live. I did it and you can too.
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MaryKathleen Oct 2020
You are right on sister! I used to tell my therapist that I felt my ex was like a lock and I had a handful of keys. If I could just find the right key, everything would be OK. One day I realized if I found the key, he would change the lock. So all my efforts were for nothing. I left. I was 65 when my current hubby talked me into marrying him. He had to talk long and hard, because I was NOT going to do that again. One of the best decisions I ever made. We had 18 years of great times until Alzheimer's entered the picture.
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Sounds like you need to get out of the house for some kind of stimulating activity. If you are at high risk of covid, take precautions, but you do not need to stay home 24/7. That's a recipe for insanity!

Can your hubby be alone? If not, find someone to sit with him for a few hours here and there so you can get out for your own mental health. Go for a drive. For a walk. To the store. Out for a bite to eat.

Has hubby been evaluated to see why he's so listless (IMHO)?

Take care of yourself, not just him!
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There is a lot of good advice here. wheelchairs, board games, etc. If you haven't done it yet, you might try a pain management doctor. I am going to one now.

If he isn't interested, stop beating your head against the wall and make a life for yourself. You said he can't walk. Does that mean walk at all? Is he bedridden? If he is bedridden, get respite help and get out of the house. Go online and join a group of people who share your interests. There is everything out there from chicken and horse groups to sewing and crafts groups. If you have friends, find a restaurant and go to lunch. There is a sandwich where I live that has a beautiful patio, we can sit the 6' apart thing and talk to each other. Your local Counsel on Ageing can help you find respite help.

Of course, this group is always here for you. ((Hugs)).
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So many good ideas here. Investigate husband's depression if that is an issue. If he is content, just not interested in doing anything, find activities of your own.

What would you be doing to entertain yourself if you did not have a husband at all?

If your husband can be left alone, you can look for COVID safe activities of your own outside the home. If you cannot go out on your own, try some of the at-home activities suggested by people like bevthegreat!
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He may not have ever been a card player, game player, etc and when he got home from work - watched the tube. You can try to suggest some of these things or invite others over to see if he would engage. Worse case scenario on that is just you and the guest(s) play.

Does he have a time of day where pain is not so bad? Perhaps that time of day might be good to take advantage of something he might enjoy.

What kind of things did you do, before pain issues, when the two of you were just hanging around the house? Or was it about the same? Do you have to be in the house with him 24/7? If not, make plans for yourself - go do the things you like to do and see if you can't round up a friend to go with you. The longer you sit indoors with him, the further away from friendships you will be. If he needs someone with him - then schedule something you'd like to do and hire a caretaker for several hours, all day, etc. You are going to spiral down and lose your own ability to get around if you continue as you are. If nothing else, plan two trips a year for yourself and a friend/family member and go enjoy a week's vacation.

Oh yeah - is he supposed to be walking a little for exercise and he chooses not to do it? You might talk with him about in home physical therapy to maintain movement. If both of you get down due to withering away, you won't be able to care for someone who can't even walk anymore for long. Everyone is going to suffer.
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Imho, try to engage him in games of cards (that have increasing skill levels), puzzles, et al. Prayers sent.
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Turn the TV off and say we need to talk. Give me 10 minutes and then kay it all out. Have times that the TV is on and off. Come up with things to talk about. Find things that interests him on some occasions and for you. Call a marriage counselor and they should have games to play, they are actual fun and open up conversations that you wouldn't typically talk about. We are never to old to learn.
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