My father currently has many medical problems and has constantly been in the hospital or rehab. for the past six months. I have NEVER had a good relationship with him as my parents were divorced when I was a baby (I didn't like him when he WASN'T sick, and have had no relationship with him over the past several years). My sister who lives close decided to have him move in at her house. Her relationship is the complete opposite of mine and she sees him through rose colored glasses. I told her that I would help HER as much as I can, but nothing I do is ever enough and she resents me for not doing more. I told her up front that I didn't support this decision. I have helped her by going out to where he lived in another state when he was in the hospital for months (at my own expense), stayed with him in the hospital through delirum in which I was physically abused by him, helped take him to many doctors appointments once he was moved, gone over to her house and stayed for the weekend so her family could go on vacation. I have my own mental health issues with severe anxiety and depression which is exacerbated by all of this stress. I work five days a week in a job where I travel extensively as I am also the main financial and insurance provider of my own family. Long story short (I know, it's already too late), what can I do to establish boundaries? This stress is killing me...........and I just want to move or run far, far, far, away...........
Not posting on a post from July unless the OP needs us! 🤦♀️
BE HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE.
Having a PLAN is always a stress reducer; so here's some actual steps to follow to define your boundaries and have that discussion with your sister now.
1) Define Who and What at a minimum. So what does this mean? If you decide to continue "helping" your sister with dad, then the WHO is decided. You are assisting your sister not your dad. WHAT do you mean by help or more importantly, WHAT do you NOT mean by help-- and be specific for example: house sit while your sister is on vacation to oversee the care provided by caregivers but not provide hands-on care yourself, or offer to do an activity that your sister but can't because she is taking care of dad --maybe college research for her children, etc.
2) Document the information you pull together in number 1 into a word document.
3) As an intro to the document, tell your sister Why you want to assist her? e.g. Love her and her family and want to continue to grow your relationship And why you are setting boundaries? I am setting boundaries to ensure that my relationship with you can continue to grow. I am also ensuring that I stay mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy to put effort and love into those relationships that are important to me, including the one I have with you (your sister).
4) Contact your sister to let her know that you have stepped back to think about the situation and written down what you can do, and that when she receives it, you would like her to do the same i.e. write down Who and What and Why.
5) send the document--email, snail mail.
6) If your sister is resistant to documenting her own "Who, What and Why" tell her that's okay, it's hard to find time to step back when you are caring for someone and suggest setting up a regular time to talk to your sister and relate to her about something other than Dad; also set up a time when she can call and just vent. Keep these two times separate.
7) When your sister asks you to do something that is not within the documented boundaries you provided, tell her that you cannot do that but you can listen to her vent or help find resources that could help her with that task.
8) Habits are hard to break -- so stick to the plan and ask your family to help you follow through.
I hope this helps.
Physical abuse isn't something that just pops into lives, if your father was physically abusive towards you, it's likely he was that way towards your mother.
It's highly likely that your sister has never been exposed to the same experiences as you were. You're feeling guilt, which might stem from many family dynamics including the way your sister has been trained to make you feel, is guilt a tool she uses?
Often,Guilt and shame are utilized together to control others' actions, thoughts and feelings. Your instincts to run.... are indicative of that entire scenario = very problematic. 🦋🦋🦋
Your father will never change and likely doesn't think boundaries are acceptable, you told your sister that you would help HER, tell her again, and ask her what your statement means to her...
She might start with "you should know that..." Yet, we cannot live in a world of shoulds, because her shoulds are different than your shoulds, etc... What is her exact expectation, such how many hours per day is she expecting you to do X.
She had him move-in with her, which was 100% her decision? Or is there anyone else involved?
When you leave, which is what you must do, vacate before you reach your breaking point, and remember, you cannot do anything that will inspire their behaviors to change,
Enforcing boundaries, will of course be utilized against you...but that's the consequences for being human, in toxic environments. You can establish boundaries, by not reversing from the word No..... No means no.
Boundaries might be strengthened by providing a date where you will vacate....write it somewhere So, it cannot be denied, etc. A date will provide a clear deadline for different arrangements to be made. Hugs.🦋 Find a hotel, spend a night, take a bubble bath🛁, relax + slow down.🐢
Decide on a date -- September 30 if not before -- and tell your sibling you are unable to continue doing what you have been doing beyond that date and suggest she find an assisted living facility or nursing home for your father or at least home assistance.
Cite the abuse and conflict and explain that the conflict is not good for either of you -- you or your father. She may be more sympathetic to your father's stress than yours -- so be it; use it.
Do not let anyone talk you into changing your mind.
Giving your sibling notice and a specific date will give her time to make alternative plans.
If your sibling needs it and/or you actually want to help out financially, you might figure out how much your help has been costing you out of pocket each month and begin sending her a part of that amount so that she could use it to hire an elder sitter for your father for at least one day a week. Don't make promises you may not be able to keep. Instead, just send a check if/when you can on the same date each month until you cannot -- giving her a head's up if you can not continue to do that. If she doesn't cash the check, don't send another and if she hasn't cashed it by the end of the year, stop payment on it.
Suggest she contact the local Department of Family and Children Services to see what facilities and help is available in her area. There may be an elder day care at a local senior citizens center or Medicare or Medicaid may help with sending people to her home to provide services.
You're telling her the truth and giving her notice to make other arrangements is best for both of you.
Anyway - please be kind to yourself since obviously your sibling isn't being.
Suggest to your sister that your father be placed in a nearby nursing home where she can visit him daily but not be his constant caregiver - likely making their time together more pleasant for both.
Now is the opportunity for a change. Neither of you should bring him into your home from this extended hospital stay unless you intend for that to be a permanent situation. Let your sister know how you feel before she takes him back home from this hospitalization.
A Parent is incredibly important, and your standards, values, and self-esteem when you look back years later, or during the inevitable times when YOU will be in need as a disadvantaged, disabled, and/or elderly person will be much easier to live with for posterity if you do your best for your family members when you can. It's a great feeling to rise above any bad memories, and to be there for your closest family. I am proud that I chose LOVE over Fear, Greed, or Resentment. I found it very rewarding and comforting to do the very best I could for my father, and to have a chance to truly forgive him, appreciate him, and understand him better during our lifetimes!!.. Plus, it's a great feeling to do the right thing, as humanly possible.
Surprisingly, during his infirmity, I learned more about why my father was the harsh way he seemed, and how, in large part, it was just a flimsy defense to the harsh treatment he had received himself, growing up in the Great Depression, and then having most of his family, including himself, serving in Wars, and then having to fend for himself in the big world without resources, etc....
His last years became true quality time that I will cherish and value forever. I finally realized all the tremendous things he quietly had accomplished in his life, and for me, for his friends, his profession, and for our entire family (albeit, while trying to hide behind a very gruff exterior!)...
Because, fundamentally, in the end-- Your Parents ARE a part of you, even if you try to deny it. I advise that you just try to make him a better part of you than what it now seems. You will be so proud of yourself & more content when they depart. Not to mention, you will greatly benefit your parent and the rest of the family. Plus, you will set an outstanding model for your children and grandchildren (very important for you one day!); your spouse (good standards for the future!); and the community at large. As the good book says, Honor thy father and mother. I found the opportunity to care for my father to be inherently rewarding. And it provided SO much unexpected Healing!!- :-)
To the very end, he became so sweet & if I told him that he was doing pretty well, he would retort, "Thanks to you!!" with a big smile!.. He finally became so openly loving & happy-- Even if this result is not possible for you, just know that your Love & care will stand for itself & be remembered by all!- Good luck!-
Caregivers do as much as we can but I agree with the others that setting boundaries is paramount before you lose yourself altogether. I beg you not to learn the hard way, like me, that boundaries are not boundaries if they know they can still manipulate you into falling back into the same old abuse. Then it's on you.
No real advice since I’m going thru a similar situation with a NPD//dementia mother, sister who is a b***** plain and simple, wants to run me but not do a thing but moan about how much she does ( nada, visits once or twice a month for a couple hrs to “inspect “ what I’ve done lol) , and a brother who checked out of responsibility but always has an opinion.
Truthfully other than block them on your phone, I have no useful advice but just know you are unfortunately not alone in the problem 💕
We do not "Owe" for being born into this world. We are not "Owed" for the privilege of being born.
While this will sound ugly, I do Not mean it in an ugly way - for your own sake, if you cannot stand the heat, get the heck out of the kitchen.
Stress Is a Killer!
P.S. You are NOT the terrible sibling. And, no one should fault you for your feelings, as long as they are honest and true.
For me, I have a good relationship with my Mom but making the decision to move her to AL/MC was heart wrenching. This article helped a lot.
I agree that your boundaries need to be set and need to be for your greater good and health. You matter and you do not (cannot) convince anyone to agree with you. Your boundaries are NOT about them.
If you feel guilty, that can be worked through... You matter, and even though it may be new and different to make yourself and your needs and your family's needs the first priority, you will start to feel a sense of relief once you take a stand...