Long vent ahead: TL;DR I’m exhausted and can’t take care of a fully formed adult.
My MIL is 85 and just had a mild heart attack. She lives alone and has HBP and diabetes. I am in my early 50s and have my own health issues. She doesn’t take good care of herself but she also won’t let me do anything like make her a medicine box or pay her bills etc.
She is an only child and had an only child. My husband (her son) is very intensely busy and is also short handed and works out of town a few days of the month. Our 3 kids are adults and have jobs and live elsewhere; they aren’t married and so have no spouses or kids to help farm this out on.
It’s on me. All of its on me and I do a very bad job of taking care of myself. I had double knee replacement a few years ago and I’m recently coming out of a depression and have heart issues and am still recovering from upper lobe pneumonia 6 weeks ago. It literally takes me all day to take care of myself because when I grew up, the focus was on my narcissist mother and enabler dad so taking care of myself doesn’t come naturally to me.
My mil doesn’t want: a sitter, a housekeeper, a nursing home, home health, physical therapy, exercise. She doesn’t want to go visit her primary care doctor. She doesn’t want me to move up her echo and stress test in case they have a cancellation sooner than her appointment date.
She wants me. She wants me (or my daughter) to literally go move in with her “just in case” and stare at her in that hot house with no lights on etc. She is also up all night and sleeps all day so she isn’t on a normal human schedule. She is willing to do absolutely nothing to help us out because she is a narcissist with a giant toxic personality disorder.
So guess what? She was nearly crying in her whiny waif voice the other day that she wants someone to come “stay with her”. None of her doctors told her she can’t drive or shower or get dressed. She decided all of that. I just remind her that we are doing what she wants: she doesn’t want a sitter so we didn’t get her a sitter. She doesn’t want a housekeeper, so we didn’t get her a housekeeper etc. I do have empathy that she is frightened and probably depressed. She won’t see a doctor about it, and I certainly can’t drag a 200 pound woman to a doctor.
I am NOT her caregiver. I will NOT be her caregiver and frankly I resent that she decided I would be. I understand she is anxious and afraid. I understand that she took care of her elders because she wanted to. She got a lot of self confidence from doing that at the time. She isn’t me. (But you know narcissists think everyone is an extension of them)
I’m not doing it. I can only take her in small doses rarely. Absolutely in no way am I getting roped into this. She got mad the other day because I had her groceries delivered instead of doing it myself. I get my own groceries delivered.
I have read and read and read for 3 days on this. She is going to learn real fast that she is getting a sitter (who we will pay) and she is going to be grateful for that person. She isn’t going to tell me what to do— how it’s going to go. She doesn’t deserve it. Would you let a child tell you what to do? I honestly don’t care what she wants. What is going to happen for her is what I decide I am willing to do. (I will see to it that her needs are met)
I will take her to doctors visits and I will send her groceries. I will make a pill box for her and I will help her pay her bills. That’s it. That is all I am available and willing to do.
This is someone who treated me like dirt for 20 of the 35 years I have been around.
I’m not a caregiver. I had a lot of kids in a ridiculously short time period (more kids than years) and I gave everything I had to raise them well. I’m done with caregiving. I’m exhausted and I’m thrilled I don’t have grandkids yet because I’m still worn out from raising my kids as basically a single parent.
I did clarify with him that I’m not doing it. No one asked me how I feel about it or if I have the skill set. He agrees and he is going to ask around the hospital (he is a doctor) to see if any LPNs want to make extra money when it comes to that.
Thank you for understanding. I promise I’m not a terrible person.
Hire someone with her money to help her. Instruct them to ignore her rants and pay them well to encourage them to stay with her. My in-laws had to do this for my husband’s grandparents. They wouldn’t go willingly into a facility. So my in-laws hired two around the clock private caregivers.
Tell your husband to speak with his mom about what will and won’t be done for her.
Of course, having groceries delivered is acceptable. What difference does it make if a delivery person delivers groceries? None, whatever. You don’t have to shop for her.
She has no right to complain about anything.
Best wishes to you. Take care of yourself.
I also need ro go see my mom. I haven’t seen her in months, so I think before all of my MIL’s tests begin, I’m going to go run down to my FOO city and see my mom. I can stay with my son and see him too.
I will bring my MIL to her appointments for her tests. Thanks for listening.
Her Doctor (I'd start there), an Aged Care Needs Assessment type person, a licenced Social Worker. Clearly inform this professional (in person or phone) that
1. MIL seems to need care
2. MIL is refusing homes services, is refusing all non-family
3. You are a concerned family member but NOT her caregiver
Refusal can be many things: fear, anger, lacking insight.
Don't we all want to be at home?
To 'Age in Place' *as long as possible*?
ACCEPTING home services can extend her time of 'Aging in Place'. Otherwise she is at the END of *possible*. Her choice.
Sometimes people won't understand this, won't change their mind, can't self-manage yet still refuse offered care solutions. They mistakenly believe this is staying 'independant'.
Some will get referred to APS.
Thank you for the suggestions, very helpful. Yes, MIL is still with it and able to understand that she either gets a paid caregiver or we will then have to look at other options.
We, like many here, are in the “something is going to have to happen for her to accept help” phase.
We live in a small town but a friend told me yesterday that we do have meals for elderly people, so I might start with does she want that twice a week. You know, start slow and low with getting her to accept help.
If not, before you know it, you will be roped into doing so much more than you can bear. It's insidious, the creeping needs that come up, slowly and then before you know it, you're standing in a knee deep pile of quickly curing contrete and you CAN'T move.
Since money does not seem to be an issue--then pay for whatever care she needs. If you want to run the schedule for that, you can do it from home and communicate with CG's through texts or phone calls. Spend as little time with MIL as you possibly can. A NARC can pull you in so fast, your head will spin.
You have the right attitude--hang on to that. Come back here to vent, or rant and trust me--there's a TON of us doing this exact same thing.
If your DH has any kind of pull in this--ask him to step in and perhaps facilitate either 24/7 CG's (VERY expensive) or a move to an AL. (Less expensive and lots less work for you).
She'll fight you, but stay tough. Sure with my DH and his SIBS had the courage to do that with their mom. We're 3 months into sustaining an unsustainable situation.
Good Luck!!
When I hung up and realized what happened, I got so mad at her and at myself. I mean, she had me turned all upside down so quickly and I told her I would go over there to get her off the phone because the whining and waify nastiness was so pitiful.
I didn’t go over there and I haven’t spoken to her since then. DH has been calling her every other night to check in.
What you said is exactly what I know— the minute I go over there, it’s going to very quickly snowball into her sucking the life out of me.
We maintain medium chill with her with our tone of voice, grey rock and maintain our distance. I think she is downright gleeful she had a heart attack so she can get the attention she believes she deserves to have. (But you all know it’s that never-ending soul sucking pit inside of her that is never filled)
I’m not even telling her I’m going out of town out of fear she will fake chest pains or something to get me to delay.
Thank you for your support. This community already means so much to me.
You've been the go-to for all her needs, somehow designated the Lucky One. Maybe that's a family attitude. You mentioned, "Our 3 kids are adults and have jobs and live elsewhere; they aren’t married and so have no spouses or kids to help farm this out on." Whoa, that says a lot. If the next generation has already been considered unto even the next generation as possible Lucky Ones in the future (but aren't ready yet), what does that bode for them later?
I'm glad you have a plan to take care of MIL, but give this some thought. Time to break the chain that drags future Lucky Ones into the trap. This is a different time, and we don't have the right (any more than your MIL does) to expect our younger family members to take care of us. Nor do we have the obligation to take care of grandkids when we've already raised our own families.
I wish you well in dealing with your MIL. And maybe you'd better start thinking about boundaries for when those grandkids come along.
Yes, I was horrified when she mentioned my daughter and BEGGED me to get her to come up and “stay a while” with her to “keep en eye on her” “just in case” (so she can sit on her chair and be waited on and and foot by a servant).
That is a 100% hard no for me. My kids have HUGE anxiety and panic attack issues and they are finally all thriving and having happy lives. In no way will I allow her to crash them all down to the bottom.
She loves to pack up a box of manipulation, passive aggressiveness and anxiety and hand it to someone else to hold. I mean if you have even a tiny bit of stress or nervousness, she will immediately blow you up into a nervous breakdown. I think she enjoys it.
She is one of those people who finds joy in making everyone as miserable as she feels. I have always protected our kids from her. No one deserves what she does to people. It’s a skill she has developed over her lifetime.
Thank you for the back up.
"I will take her to doctors visits and I will send her groceries. I will make a pill box for her and I will help her pay her bills. That’s it. That is all I am available and willing to do."
I suggest posting this on the refrigerator with magnets. And I suggest reading it over and over again. And when something falls out of these parameters I suggest you say NO loud and clear.
I can recommend that free and without your having to pay for years of therapy.
I recommend that you gently and certainly suggest care placement. If she doesn't wish to avail herself of that it isn't the cue for you to step in because "MIL doesn't WANT to". It is your cue to say, instead, "I am sorry; you will not avail yourself of the care you require; I cannot help".
No anger.
No argument.
A simple statement.
It takes two to get into this tangle and enmeshment. It only takes ONE to stop it.
That ONE needs to be you.
And it is a CHOICE pure and simple.
It is YOUR choice.
You don't need years and years and years of therapy to understand that you have a right to your ONE given life.
I wish you the best and hope you have now a therapist who will shake your world and make you uncomfortable, who will help you to break the habits that brought you to this place. Because a therapist who that simply sits and listens over and over to this while counting the money you transfer from your hands to his/hers, is taking your money for no good reason.
I do hate going to therapy. It’s hard. I know it’s worth it.
I appreciate your support.
This really is not your problem to deal with. Please make that crystal clear to your husband. If you are willing to do a few things that is really nice but make sure to keep your guard up.
Visits with my father were the same. He'd want me to sit in a hot smelly room and say nothing. Or he'd be trying to get me to do a million things for him.
I haven’t even told you all about my mom. She and my sister are enmeshed though so I can stay out of that for now. (Hopefully forever)
If you have time, read some of Midkids posts. You think you have it bad. 😊 She finally walked away and her DH has to deal with it. She has a Discussion going, something about DH has finally had to step up.
I’m so freaking aggravated I have to even think about this. Lol. I know. I know. We’d all rather be on vacation.
Thanks for the back up. I’m probably going to need a lot of reassurance. It’s so hard. I’m thankful people here understand
In laws have moved around the country following us, so “their son can take care of them”. Yeah right. It has always been only me—first willingly because I thought it was the right thing to do, but then I developed an understanding of true narcissism and his family’s total willingness to use my life up without a thought.
I too had a very sick son for many years, plus a daughter with severe anxiety issues, and had a very difficult 20 years with them. I am SO angry with myself for allowing the in-law situation to go as far as it has. This last year it has tipped me into depression.
FIL died a few years ago, and both my parents died over the last year, and I am stepping way back. DH freaked out. Totally assumed I would just step in to handle it all with his mother. NO clue, or care, what I do or have done.
Bringing your daughter into the care circle?? Oh my goodness! So glad you don’t intend to let your daughter get sucked in! My MIL and DH are kind of expecting the same. NEVER! NOT. HER. JOB.
I am allowing MIL to take the independent living transportation to the “easy” doctors, where not much walking is required. I do the more involved ones myself. She comes to church with us on Sunday and to our home for lunch after. That is all. I have told my DH that when a higher care level is needed, that MIL must go into AL near her own daughter, as it is HER daughter who should care for her end of life needs—not someone else’s daughter. I am done. I hope I can hold the line.
That’s my vent! You are SO not alone in your situation. I am reading the responses here with great interest—always such good counsel on this board!
yes, I am afraid to do anything for her now knowing she is going to want more and more and more.
I have 1.5 more days here to get through and then I can get on the road. I’m going to therapy Thursday morning and then I’m going to leave. I’m sneaking out of my own home and my own town so my MIL doesn’t catch wind. I’m in my 50s!!!
I just want to get the F out of here while I can.
First, with a scared and parasitic person, YOU need to be in control, not them—which you already said in your post. This is incredibly hard with a parent; it proved to be impossible, actually, with my own. The only answer my dad would accept—and we got in yelling matches—was for me, siblings or neighbors to help them. This is heartbreaking to me because in the world he grew up in, in a small Christian town, with extended family all still living there, that is exactly what would have happened. But I live 12 hours away, my brother 3. My low competency sister moved in with them and made things worse, not better. The answer he wanted, insisted on, was an answer that could not be. And—here is the important part—dad’s inability to do something different led to a VERY bad ending, for himself and for my mom too. It was a horrible last two years, a total and complete crash and burn that did NOT have to be.
The question is, what should have been done? I honestly don’t know. This generation of parents is living in totally new territory. I see it as a transition time in our history, where old age is going to have to look totally different than what it used to.
I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO BE A CAREGIVER. That is the bottom line. I’ve done three parents so far, and it is more than just “I don’t want to” (and I don’t) but I AM NOT QUALIFIED. You are beginning the slippery slope many of us here have been down already—this begins with sitting with them “just in case” and moves on to incontinence care, mobility solutions handling complex medical issues and treatments, choosing treatment options... It is worse than caring for a chronically ill child because a parent WILL NEVER GIVE YOU THE REINS. My parents and in-laws wanted me to be a care taker without being able to make any decisions about their care. That’s being their servant. This is really important. It results in nothing but resentment on both ends, it is unsustainable. Do not do this.
Women are much more accepting ultimately of being in a community care environment. For your sake and your marriage’s sake, you might need to get involved in doing the footwork on the next step. I have no idea what that will be, Nothing seemed to work for my own parents. They were totally non-compliant. In their case, the plan was no plan, and that is indeed an option—my dad’s choice was to let things play out (refused cancer treatment, an ugly death) and stay in his home. Really, really sad, but a choice nonetheless.
One more thing—I spent a huge amount of time and energy coming up with potential solutions for things that they all refused or sabotaged. Dad fired the snow removal company I hired—“the neighbors will do it for me” (not a good plan when it’s a 12” snowfall!!) I really loved my wonderful dad—but what a sad ending to his story!
I know people who have had good luck with hiring a companion or sitter. It is the luck of the draw. I wish we had done something like that, and I am considering it for MIL. Someone to drive her especially, which AL does not really take care of well when mobility is an issue. I have spent a HUGE amount of time at MIL’s doctors!! Medicare may cover some of this. I think it’s unfortunate, but I don’t think women of our generation get through this time in life without learning a LOT about elder care solutions.
AND I was a caregiver , an RN retired early because of what my mother put me through my whole life . Caring for her at home after a stroke and then dementia for years , and dealing with her wrath when I finally put her in AL did me in . I don’t want to take care of any ill people anymore . I’m worried I won’t have the bandwidth if something happens to my husband and he needs help .
Your story is so similar to mine . When my parents got to needing help I was dealing with a teenage son with Crohn’s disease . I severely regret spending so much time with my parents when my daughter was a teen , she has an anxiety disorder as well . When my mother died I was so angry at myself .
Now FIL , I feel bad, he’s old . I’ll be there some day too , but I have not got any reserve left for his complaining and throwing husband and I under the bus having relatives think he was thrown in AL and doesn’t belong there , and that we don’t do enough for him . I know he can’t help it partially because of dementia but I can’t give in to his wants or make him understand that we are not being mean to him . He’s very demanding and uncooperative , and entitled. He stuck up thinks he’s better than all the others in AL . He says living there is beneath him .
He wants and apartment and for us to bring him meals and take him out all the time to restaurants and on a cruise . The man hardly eats anymore . It’s so exasperating. Husband and I still work ( I work but not as a nurse anymore ) . I’m not quitting and taking care of this man . Which would mean I would be a servant , house maid , cook , etc for a man who refuses to shower , or change his pull-up more than once or twice in 24 hours . He stinks , has all his upholstery stinking . He has dementia, can’t live alone , has a very high opinion of himself . We’ve tried everything for showers , proper incontinence care , he insists he’s fine .I won’t do it .
He thinks we should be doing more for him which is ridiculous considering he paid very little attention to his son , myself or our children . He has family thinking we aren’t doing enough . He was a selfish man his whole life , whining and dining , vacationing during a long retirement and he expects us to help him keep up his lifestyle. Sorry , but all things come to an end. I don’t have to stop my life to shore up his extravagant lifestyle .
I had therapy yesterday and it was bad. This slime my MIL dumped on me on that phone call opened a portal to hell for me. It damaged me. On its own, it was business as usually for a narc, but with the portal open, everything I have been through with caregiving, and her and all the pain and sadness and hurt came right back like I was just experiencing it again.
My T does EMDR so we did that while I talked about it, my husband’s cancer when we were in our 20s, my MIL’s decade plus lawsuit I handled, my kids and their struggles, etc… MIL’s and my mother’s narcissism.
I’m shut down, physically, mentally and emotionally. There was no way I could drive for hours yesterday.
I’m not talking (I get this with low dopamine), exhausted, physically drained and feel like I could sleep for a week.
My husband is worried about me and said he would take her to her echo and her stress test. I have no idea how he is going to make that happen and he has HPB and high stress levels, so naturally I’m worried about him. But I am grateful he says he is taking her because she is going to freak out and act up during the chemical stress test. It’s super uncomfortable and I don’t have any heart damage when I had mine. She has mild heart failure.
I don’t know what else to say. I haven’t spoken to her in about 8/9 days. I don’t care. I can’t do it. I have nothing else left to give.
I was upset when my MIL moved 2 days away leaving behind her 4 yr old granddaughter the only one out of 3 living nearby. But, in the long run, was the best thing for me. My DH married at 34. She was used to having practically do whatever she needed done. His feels if he has the time why not. She called him one night aft we married wanting something. My FIL canceled that call saying there was no reason why he needed to come over, he was perfectly able to do it. He died 3 yrs into them moving. From that point its "move down here there r jobs". Then when we were retired "there's a house for sale behind me" She got me on the phone and started and I told her it was not going to happen. I was not living my 80+yr old Mom, my girls or my grands. She said "bring Mom with you" Nope she has her friends and her church. MIL "we all have to compromise." I so felt like saying "Everyone but you". She was passive-aggressive and told lies to protect herself. Lies that had to do with me. TG one Aunt knew me well and put the others straight. Seeing her once every other year and then once a year for a week at a time was enough. 😊
I just woke up from a nap, lol. I slept so well last night. I guess the physical distance away and a change of scenery did what I had hoped.
DH is going to physically go see her tomorrow and see what’s going on at her house. I’m staying here for several more days.
He did. Oh as an aside since it was Father’s Day yesterday, she ALWAYS gave him a present for Father’s Day, even before we had children. She started that when he was about 14; isn’t that just bizarre? Lol
He told her to call him and not me right now, that I’m having bad anxiety and that I am on a break at my FOO city. Anyone with a narc knows what happened next lol. She quipped ‘humpf” and it was that humpf that had an unspoken sentences attached to it, which clearly are “what does she have to be anxious about? I’m the one with the heart failure; I’m the only one who can be anxious and my situation is greater than anyone else’s. No one knows how I feel.” DH and I just laughed about it ( because what else can we do and honestly her humpf was better than we were both expecting.
Menwhile, I’ve spoken to my narc mom more in the last few days than I have in a long time. She seems like she might be outgrowing it? She actually has some sweet things to say about her SIL and this is a woman who NEVER has anything nice to say about anyone. DH said it’s a trap and I agree it could be, but I’m taking her to the coast today to show her a residential lot we bought and I’m happy that we should have a pleasant experience.
She is helping out with her 94 year old sister, who is miserable and living at home with no help. (Refuses it). My aunt used to be head woman in charge but since her husband died 20 years ago, an she had macular degeneration and now hearing loss, she has turned bitter and vicious and critical of anyone who tries to help her in any way. So I also think maybe my mom has had a taste of an unnatural level of criticism and maybe it’s been an eye opener.
Please excuse any typos. I have to run to go pick up my mom for our day out. She sounds really excited to go with me and we are going to have lunch. She is 79 and her poor feet and legs are so deformed now that it’s painful to see. But she gets around ok despite that.
Even more so, why would you be one to a person who treats you like dirt?
Your MIL may not want or "allow" anyone but you. Too damn bad. You take a big step back and let her son (your husband) set her up with either a live-in companion or help her move into a senior community or AL.
She is not your problem. So don't let her be your problem.