First of all, thanks to everyone for your insights and advice. I've read through many posts and it has been enlightening. My widowed father has been showing signs of cognitive decline - lots of memory issues and confusion. Last year I got on the ball and started having necessary conversations with him about finances, healthcare, future living arrangements, etc. He was having difficulty with financial transactions and online accounts and asked me to handle most of the bill paying and finances. We set up a DPOA and I am a joint owner on his bank accounts. We also set up a living will and I am his healthcare surrogate. Since his memory issues were a concern to both of us, I made an appointment for him with a new doctor who is located close to his home. I live 7 hours away in another state but would travel to visit him for appointments and meetings. All was going well until February of this year. Out of nowhere, my Dad invited a 63 yo homeless woman to live in his house. When he called to tell me, he acted as though he'd known her for a long time when actually they had just met days before. He explained to me that he was tired of living alone and was glad to share his house with somebody. Immediately things started to go downhill. I was able to monitor his bank accounts and money started flowing out of his checking account. Just after three weeks, $6,500 had been withdrawn. I talked with my dad several times on the phone and he said he gave some money to "L" but he had no idea it was so much. I took a trip to visit him (and meet her) hoping to be able to get a clear understanding of the "missing" money. I handed my dad a paper with each withdrawal clearly marked and he was flabbergasted. He couldn't explain the withdrawals and couldn't remember going to the bank. I also questioned her and she could not give me a clear answer but strongly denied any wrongdoing. I also found out her real name during that visit. My dad had mistakenly given me the wrong name. A quick search of her name brought up a recent arrest on drug possession charges. If I could go back in time, I would have called the police right then, but I didn't. It was a very uncomfortable situation and I was trying to digest all the information and I didn't know exactly how to handle it. I stayed with friends that night and when I returned to my dad's house the next day, everything had changed. My dad was furious with me for looking up dirt on someone I didn't even know. He told me in no uncertain terms that she was innocent and would continue to live with him. Then he kicked me out of his house while yelling at me. In all my days, he has never raised his voice to me or treated me badly. It was like he was a different person. Two hours later, on my drive home, he left a cordial message on my voicemail as though nothing had happened. I can only explain it as dementia- related. I'm sorry for the long backstory. So it has been four months since she moved in and over $24,000 has been withdrawn. My dad lives a frugal lifestyle and this is very unusual banking activity for him. I have alerted him again to the large amounts of money but he just tells me not to interfere. He won't listen when I try to explain her pending drug charges; he believes she was arrested on a seat belt violation. I have been able to transfer most of his money to separate savings accounts that she can't access. I have spoken with the police several times but since he never received a medical diagnosis of dementia (the doctor's appointment was canceled) their hands are tied. I have also consulted with two elder law attorneys. I was told that I could file for guardianship of my father and he would likely be declared incapacitated. I know how upset he would be if I did that. I honestly don't know what do or what I'm able to do legally with the DPOA. I can no longer reach him by phone, it just goes to voicemail. She is isolating him from family. Any ideas to help me navigate through this? Thank you.
I wouldn’t hesitate to file for guardianship if that is what two elder attorneys told you to do.
I am happy to hear that you transferred the bulk of his money.
Obviously, this woman is taking advantage of your father. You must have been in shock to hear that your father took this woman in. Apparently, he is suffering from cognitive impairment if he is acting this irrationally.
I would be extremely concerned about this situation. What else do you know about this woman? Addicts will do anything for their next fix!
You and your father haven’t withdrawn this amount of money from the bank, so I don’t think there is any question about who it is. Then again, you have no idea who else this woman associates with. So, your father could be a prime target for anyone who wants to take his money.
What did you say to her when she denied taking the money? Is she intimately involved with your dad? I am sorry to bring up a personal issue but if she has been intimately involved with him, I would be concerned about this matter too.
I hope that this issue is resolved quickly.
Also, don’t worry about your dad being upset with you. His safety is at stake. If he is upset with you, so be it. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
I just had an awful thought. It sounds like your dad is lonely. What if this woman talks him into marrying her?
I'd also have another face-to-face with this woman in private, tell her you have all the info on her, know exactly what she's doing, and give her one hour to disappear. I'll bet she does, especially when she finds out the well is dry. Do not back down.
The more I think about this, the more sketchy it sounds.
You state that she is isolating your father from family. This is a huge red flag that this situation is escalating.
You can’t reach him by phone. Oh no, this has gone too far. You need to stop woman now.
Call the police in his area. Tell them your concerns again and ask them to do a welfare check on your dad. Make sure that you say that his phone goes directly to voicemail.
Call and alert his neighbors too if you know them. If they are close with your dad they would appreciate knowing that he is okay. Ask them to check on your dad. Does he have any other friends that would check on him and report back to you?
Of course, this woman is going to deny everything. She knows that you know that an enormous amount of money is missing. $24,000 isn’t small change! She’s probably getting very uncomfortable with you suspecting her.
Again, you don’t know who she is connected with. So, it’s concerning how to approach this situation. I would put pressure on the police department to do something to protect your dad.
Report Elder Abuse. (Ask Police who to report this too).
Sweep out his bank accounts until this gets cleared up & park money elsewhere for safety. Consider reporting to bank as fraud (although technically Dad may have given permission).
Emergency Guardianship may be needed. I don't know how to obtain but maybe someone will?
I feel for you, such an awful situation. I hope it can be turned around asap.
He made you POA, but instead of taking over his finances as POA and giving him a small allowance you instead put yourself on his accounts as co-owner of them, a wrong move at square one, as now his assets are considered melded with yours. Did these attorneys explain that to you when you visited them? Had you been POA and in charge of the accounts, with you Dad having control only of an "allowance account", this couldn't have happened; this is what my brother and I did when he was diagnosed with probably early Lewy's dementia. At his request. To protect him from just such a thing as this.
The problem here is that you have an UNDIAGNOSED dad, living 700 miles away and all kinds of water has been hemorrhaging under the bridge.
At this point, trying to get your Dad, who is uncooperative and feels he has a hired caretaker helping him stay home at the least, to get diagnosed as incompetent will be a real struggle.
If you go for guardianship, and he and this woman fight it, it could run 10,000. He may in the meantime marry her.
If you win, his estate will compensate you, and you will have the onerous job of managing an unwilling Dad in so far as placement and finances go.
If you lose you will pay the 10,000 and walk away.
Those are your choices, basically. I am so sorry. I will tell you it is hard enough to be guardian for someone cooperative. For someone who isn't it would be, I imagine, nearly impossible. Would you move there for this struggle?
You have tough choices ahead and I am so dreadfully sorry for the situation you are in. You may want to wash your hands of this, because doing otherwise will be hard, heartbreaking, and expensive. When dad is penniless and in need of medicaid he will be abandoned by the woman, and you will be able to get him in a nursing home for the remainder of his life.
Either way this is lose-lose situation for both of you and your father. IMHO. I am dreadfully sorry.
You can consider pressing charges of elder abuse on the woman. I doubt they will stick without a diagnosis on your Dad.
At this point, I imagine, having legal advice of two attorney-types, you will want to try to press forward so that you can tell yourself you did all you could, but I am not as hopeful as those attorney-types are.
I sure wish you the very best. This is quite heartbreaking.
This is such a common situation with a vulnerable elder.
My dad married a whore from a whore house and she sucked him dry of millions and he ended up in my care getting only social security, no assets, no home, a broken down truck and the memories of all the fun he had with her. It sucked.
I would recommend getting a fraud alert with all the credit agencies so she can't get stuff on credit in his name. Lock everything you can up with double verification and fraud alerts, including the deed to his house.
These scammers are as crafty as you can imagine and then some.Good luck protecting him from himself.
Edit: I would go visit and get him drug tested. It's a way to control someone and it happens.
If you can cancel his credit cards, do so. Change passwords to any of his sensitive info, like investments. Confiscate his SS card (if he's old school and has it in his wallet). Hide his checkbooks. Hide any sensitive info and papers.
Next visit if he starts becoming enraged, video his behavior to show him (and his doctor) later.
Also take a picture of the woman. If you don't start shutting down access she will drain him. My family has been there, done that. Act immediately.
Do not be surprised if she has him change his PoA to her (especially if he doesn't have a medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment to make any change illegitimate). This is where the real nightmare for him will start.
The best "defense" would be to take videos of his agitated state and get him in for a diagnosis. If at all possible, plan an extended stay near/with him in order to get all this done. Your presence (and watchful eye) may make her nervous enough to leave (even if it's only for a while). If she has a cell phone, delete her name and number from your Dad's and make sure to block it. Consider emergency guardianship. I wish you success in helping to protect him.
I posted at the beginning of this thread. It was heartbreaking to read this post.
Just wondering if you had a chance to read the responses. Wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing.
Please let us know if you know anything more on your dad’s situation. It’s unfortunate that you live so far away from him.
I wonder how your dad met this woman. Your dad certainly became easy prey for her to take full advantage of. What a shame.
I have another suggestion, If where dad lives is the city you grew up in, I’d suggest that you go through all your old high school (and college if it’s there or nearby city) alumni groups to find out who in your dads city is a divorce attorney & who also might have a private investigator firm. Ya need to go hard ball with this grifter and elder law attorney is going to play way waaaaay too nice. But a good pit bullie divorce attorney won’t. And that is what imho you need to quash all this and get her gone & soon. Divorce att will know how to deal with someone who is doing things to position themselves as a future spouse.
Because if you don’t get on this and soon, she more than likely will marry him. Once that happens any old legal you have as his POA or Co owner of bank accounts will be challenged by her and the banks will go along with whatever she wants to do as she is the legal spouse. His home she can go and get lending on it. I don’t think she will try to sell the house as she needs it as collateral for her shenanigans. But she will place a ton of debt onto it so that dad looses it. She probably will use the $ to buy things in her name so that when she exits, she has assets in her name she can sell. If you are worried about the worse case scenario. She won’t kill your dad as she needs his monthly social security to keep the household afloat. But she does not have to be nice to him or do things to help him. And she can totally keep you from seeing him, if she is his wife.
IsTHatReallyReal is spot on about having him drug tested.
She’s a drug addict and grifter. But folks like this are themselves easily manipulated by the next shiny wallet or offer from a dealer. I would be worried that she has friends who are even worse than her. And that where the PI comes in as they often know less than savory folks who can provide the info on her for an arrest or something else to leverage so that she leaves dad. The PI can give ya solid background deep dive on her, which at some point you will use.
Your moving $ into the savings account doesn’t secure it. It just makes it harder to get at for her. Marrying him solves that problem. Really only way to secure the $ is you have to drain the account yourself and put them into another account. At some point on this drama, you have to be able to go to his city and be there for an extended period of time.
also that $ she has taken from your dad, should he file for LTC Medicaid as he ends up with no $ to pay for care, that $ will be looked at as “gifting” unless shown to be otherwise. Gifting causes transfer penalties on his eligibility. You would have to prove that it was not gifting. Which means a police report was filed on her to have taken advantage of a vulnerable person for that $. There are long term repercussions to what happening now to be mindful of.
Best of luck resolving this matter.
My dad met this woman at a local Burger King. I believe she was scoping him out for some time beforehand. She had a pitiful story about losing her home after Hurrican Ian (this situation is happening in southwest Florida) and my dad invited her to stay with him. She's a rough character, no job, no income and no vehicle. She was arrested a week later, while driving my dad's car. Opioids were found in the car and 2 syringes and a spoon were found in her purse. Unfortunately, the felony drug charges were reduced to possession of drug paraphernalia (misdemeanor). She failed to appear for an arraignment in May and there was a warrant out for her arrest. When I spoke to the police at the end of May, they still hadn't picked her up, but I requested that the original arresting officer go for her and have a talk with my dad while there. My hope was that hearing the truth from an authority figure might make a difference. I'm waiting to hear the outcome. I will also inquire about emergency guardianship. Honestly, I'm leery of the guardianship process after reading many accounts of the corruption involved in it with "professional" guardians being awarded guardianship over someone rather than a capable family member. I learned quite a bit about guardianship from a lawyer I consulted with in March and it is indeed costly. Maybe someone out there knows the specifics about "emergency" guardianship. I've found trying to deal with my dad is a losing battle, so my focus now is to drive her off. I've been trying to concentrate on two things: move the money so she can't get it (while still leaving some accessible for my dad's daily needs), and have the police check on my dad weekly. Still working on that. Thankfully, I know my dad's next door neighbor and he updates me. But by all observers, my dad is happy and cared for. I'm thankful for that but I know what's going on in the background. One more question: how do I actually enforce my POA to access accounts? For instance, he has a credit card that he/they use and I'd like to be able to either cancel it or lower the limit to a certain amount. I find that the banks are difficult to deal with when it comes to a POA.
Thanks everybody!
This woman is bad news all around! She’s playing your dad. Who knows if she even owned a house? One thing for certain is that she’s stealing from your dad. Who else could be doing it besides her? She’s living there!
You have no idea who this woman associates with. Several people could be behind the theft.
Even if she did lose a home, that still doesn’t give her the right to steal from your father.
My mom lost her house in hurricane Katrina and it is devastating to lose a home. Plenty of people lose their homes in natural disasters but they don’t steal from others.
This woman is a drug addict. I’m curious how the charges were reduced to paraphernalia. That’s interesting. Addicts will do anything for their next fix! Their issue is larger than they are and until they seek treatment they will do whatever is needed to acquire their drug of choice.
I hope the police will be able to help in this matter. I’m so sorry that you and your dad are going through this. Your father is unaware of how dangerous this actually is. He is truly a vulnerable man who is easy prey for this woman and anyone else that wishes to take advantage of him.
Please keep us posted on how he is.