I am finally getting respite care through Council on Aging. It isn’t much, 8 hours a month. Any advice for me?

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I am finally getting respite care through Council on Aging. It isn’t much, 8 hours a month. Any advice for me?

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I asked if there was a fee. I was told no but I could donate to COA, not to the caregiver because they are not volunteering but are paid by COA. She said they will, bathe mom, sit with mom and do light housekeeping in her room. What exactly is light housekeeping?

Should I stay and observe the first time or get out of the house? I want to leave. I never get away.

I do everything and mainly want sitting with mom. What has been everyone’s experience with sitters? Do any of you ask for light housekeeping from them? Please share. Thanks.

They start tomorrow for four hours. Yay!

Area Agency on Aging Care Decisions Respite

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When my dad had 8 hours a month - "light housekeeping" was light dusting and vacuuming, serving an already prepared meal and washing the dishes. Otherwise - helping dad bathe and seeing that the clothes were in the laundry basket. Mostly keeping track of dad so he had company and was not alone.

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Thanks, guess my concern is that she may ignore mom. My mom has depended on me for so long. Would not go to senior center for activities, therefore no socialization. I can’t see how that is emotionally healthy but she never socialized a great deal before. I did socialize so I suffered. Not as much of a change for her in that regard. I feel she needs to see other faces from time to time. Any thoughts?

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Sounds like you're across the Pond, but here one of my FIL's helpers does "light housekeeping" and she does his laundry (he has a washer/dryer in the apartment), dusts, will put on fresh sheets onto his bed if necessary, serves him lunch and washes the dishes after, stuff like that.

We did not stay and observe any of FIL's helpers. We allowed them to establish their own relationship. I would return 30 minutes or so before the 4 hours is over and ask the helper how it went and if s/he has any suggestions for or concerns about your dad.

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Thanks NY,

Sounds good to me.

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I was able to get nurse caregivers for my Mom after hospitalization. My Mom also doesn’t socialize too well. She prefers not to have someone around at all since she likes to sleep and doesn’t trust anyone. I did not stay around or meet with any of the nurses, but I asked them to call me with an update after their shift. I treated this as a test to see if I could transition my Mom to 4 hour caregiver support once the nurse visits ended. Mom controlled the process even with the brief nurse visits (15 mins) and decided she didn’t want any help. 😒 I think she just doesn’t want anyone around, so I’ve accepted it for now. Good luck with your caregiver. My Grandmother had a great caregiver that would pick her up Wendy’s and KFC, run errands, clean, cook, and help her with bathing, etc. My Gram enjoyed her company, often speaking of her like she was a close family member. If you end up with a good caregiver that will truly be a blessing for you! ☺️

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Thanks, appreciate the feedback.

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NeedHelp - So glad you're getting some help. Eight hours is a regular work day. One day a month is 12 days vacation a year, except you can't take all 12 days in a row. Wouldn't it be nice if you could? But still, I am glad you're getting some breaks and they are free.

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Surely would, Polar.

I’m grateful for something. Better than nothing.

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A good caregiver will know how to deal with your mom.

Calm down or mom will pick that up and potentially get upset feeling your anxiety.

Don't micromanage, let them find their groove and you go enjoy the time.

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Thanks,

Just concerned that it will be a good fit. Caregiver called and already wants to change schedule. Grrrrr. I told her no. We’ll see how it goes.

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After interviewing and accepting a company I would prepare a small folder of things that need to be done. I am referring to feeding, monitor the taking of meds and the times. Emergency numbers and who to call first should the need arise.
ETC. Mainly just a guide that meets your needs and the companies allowance for care.
I agree your LO needs to see people once in a while. But so do you. Get out when you can but don't let the companion company try to control you.
The ones I hired for Luz were very good. After a while it became that we got the same person each time. And they became friends. Luz was non-verbal so she just listened and watched TV but, I felt good and Luz did not seem troubled.

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Thanks Old Sailor,

This info helps. Appreciate it.

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Well, by now you've been through one visit. I coordinate a light homemaker program. We take great care in hiring people, don't pay them enough and if someone is unsatisfied I do a couple things: I remind them it is a two hour visit and we never expect a whole house to be done. I suggest they make a list, in order of priority of what they want done and the homemaker will do their best. Light means no scrubbing floors on hands and knees, no walls. They can dust, vacuum, do laundry, clean up the kitchen, clean the fridge (a time consuming operation). Personally I don't want anyone else in my fridge. You do want to make sure all of the valuables are in a safe place even if you have confirmed, as the source should have, that a background check was done. Take the breakables you cherish and put them in a safe space as well, as accidents happen. And then enjoy it!

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Okay, but she will have to go in fridge to get mom’s meals. By the way, should I offer to have a meal for caregiver as well. What do most people generally do?

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Well, from the caregiver's/aides perspective her primary job is to get the job of cleaning etc done. So she technically can't sit down and chat with mom for the time she is there though certainly small talk along the way or at the start or conclusion would be anticipated. In other words, to get her job done, she HAS to ignore mom. If you want a companion for mom, then that's what you need to arrange for...and ask for. Maybe a volunteer program can offer someone. Your mom on the other hand may have no interest in socializing, as you have pointed out. Some people don't want to. We wouldn't want what we don't want pushed down our throats, so why should they? It's her lifestyle, unhealthy or not. Don't mix your own desires with hers. I think one of the most important things as we all age is that we want to have control over our lives. Aging inevitably brings losses, so being able to say I want to be left alone is a choice. And by forcing our ideas on someone, we burn our own energies and make them unhappy.

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Yeah, it really is an individual thing. Sometimes my mom naps for a couple of hours and wouldn’t want to chat.

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Congratulations, NeedsHelp, with getting some respite care for mother.

I would stay at least 20 minutes the first visit so that you can form a relationship with the caregiver. Over the many years that we took care of our parents we supplemented with many professional caregivers. Some of them were like people going through a revolving door, and others were with us for years. It is just the nature of the job. It was always so interesting getting to know them and the story of their lives. Share some facts or stories about you and your mother also. It is a leap of faith to trust a vulnerable adult with a stranger. We had to trust that the agency had properly vetted the worker, but instinctively, I felt that they would get better care if the professional caregivers saw their clients as well-rounded people who were more than just their problems and infirmities.

As others have advised, print out a list of what you expect to get done, as well as socializing with mother. The socializing would be hard to document, but you have at least written it down as part of your expectations.

Is the 4 hour block of time written in stone or can that be changed? I would tend to opt for two hours, so you could have respite to look forward to every week. If done efficiently, everything, including socializing could be done in a 2 hour time frame. I have seen it happen! After you get to know the caregiver, on subsequent visits, be ready to skeedaddle out the door! Preplan your jaunts, even if you just go to a coffee shop to sit alone. And whatever you do, be back on time out of fairness to the caregiver. I hope this respite time is enjoyable and a blessing for both you and your mother.

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Regrettably too many if not most agencies have increased the minimum amount of time to 4 hours, so staff can see 2 people a day instead of 4. It makes it far more expensive for families and those needing help and I do not think it is a good idea, but we are at their mercy.

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I should busy yourself about the house (get your head down for a nap, take a bath, potter in the garden) but be accessible and look in on them once or twice, just for the first time or two.

Light housekeeping would include, e.g. clearing away after a meal, washing up a cup or two, wiping down a table, hoovering a rug. But not cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors, washing windows. You should find the room as you would expect to have left it, sort of thing.

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In our program light housekeeping DOES include cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and windows as far as can be reached without a ladder...as well as vacuuming, dusting and other tasks

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I just started respite care through a professional agency last week. The CNA is responsible for bathing Mom, trimming her nails if necessary, changing her bed linens, doing her laundry, dusting and vacuuming her room, cleaning the bathroom (including floors), washing any dishes and sweeping/mopping the kitchen floor. It's all spelled out in the contract, as this is a paid service.

We've only had two visits so far (#3 is today). I feel comfortable with the CNA, and Mom likes her, too (and that's a very big deal because she was against having "a stranger" come in the house), but I don't think I'll be leaving the house at all during the visits - it's a foreign concept to me. Instead, I use my now "free" time to pursue my hobbies, clean out a closet, or do some other project around the house that I just didn't have time for before.

Or I just sit and look out the window and think about how nice it is that I don't have to deal with all that stuff any more - at least two days out of the week, anyway.

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PeeWee,

I trim mom’s nails. I didn’t think of having her to this. Thanks.

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First time I would stay for a while.
I hope you get a chance to talk to the caregiver first and tell her/ or him, a bit about your Mom and what you expect.
Introduce them to each other.
Maybe even sit down with a cup of coffee or tea then say ..."Mom, Sally is going to stay here while I run to the store" This is if you feel comfortable and your mom feels comfortable.
A few things to discuss with the caregiver:
In general how "good" is your mom with showers or bathing? If she is resistant I would make sure the caregiver knows that from the start.
What time of day is she at her best?
What are her favorite things to do, her favorite foods, shows, games?
Caregivers once they get to know someone can work wonders. BUT some people just don't "click" with others and if you think your mom is uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable or you do not think the caregiver they sent is the one to care for your mom ask for someone else. We all have personalities and some clash with others and it is not rude to ask for someone else. It is like the "Dating Game" and it might take more than 1 caregiver to find one that fits.

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Thanks Grandma. Yes, running a few errands would be nice. I get tired of waiting to have to go to the grocery after hubby gets home.

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As someone else mentioned lock up the valuables. I know its hard to lock up the whole house but certainly jewelry and silver must be locked. And not just under the bed! That's the first place they look! My girlfriend actually had a chain around her Moms china cabinet that locked to the handles. This may sound extreme but trust me its not.

Mom has "lost" several items over the years even before she was sick she had housekeepers with sticky fingers. The last CG took things like stamps and frozen dinners. We decided that was OK with us because when Mom complained she was labeled "difficult."

That said home care is a God send. The Care Giver will need to be trained. This took much longer than I anticipated. They have several clients and every home is different....I was surprised from week to week the info I had to reinforce.

I get 6 hrs per week and don't ever leave the house when shes here....we work together or I sometimes do extra projects as another poster suggested. She does Moms laundry, sweeps the floors and all of Moms personal care. She does the dishes as well even though we have a dishwasher. I suspect she likes looking out the window above the sink.

I really like that she does the personal care so I can be the daughter at least a few times a week. We have developed a good relationship and Mom likes her...she is great with Mom.

Good luck...enjoy the help...you'll figure out what works for you and Mom.

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So sad that some people steal. Wow, chain on china cabinet!

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They will do light house work where you need it in the house. Most agencies that do the respite care have a sheet that shows what they can do. From experience they don't do ironing. Vacuuming, dusting, and dishes most will do. A lot of them would rather be doing something as apposed to just sitting. Don't allow them to sit and play with their phones because they won't pay attention to the client.

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I agree, so many people play on their phone.

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I am a an employee of home care agency- the most important part of my job is to be a companion first and then do the necessary tasks. I have learned the importance of chatting with both the client and family members since it helps me understand what the client needs and wants! After taking care of my hubby for 12 years I felt I needed to help others. And it has been good for me to have others to be with- caregiving for 4 hours is easy and 4 hours gives the caregiver a time to refresh!

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I like your advice. My mom needs another companion other than me. I think that is important too.

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What the caregivers are meant to do and what they actually do varies. Some of my mom's home care people did very little and complained when I asked for the bare minimum. Some did way more than their job because they saw it needed done. And they were the ones who loved my mom the most and also the ones my mom liked. We went through a lot of caregivers. Light housekeeping should be explained by the agency and also for you to just be there for a few minutes to explain where things are and what you expect for the day seems to work best. I left a book for the caregivers to write down at the end of the day what was done and how my mom responded. The agencies I hired did allow cooking and cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and light wiping and mopping up of the kitchen, and reminders of medications. They weren't allowed to actually touch the medications themselves. I also asked for companionship for my mom and the best caregivers saw how much talking my mom could handle. She is also not very social, but will tell everyone at any time about how wonderful my dad was. And he was.

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Yeah, I suppose it does vary with personality of the individual caregiver. Thanks.

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Need help with mom ; My experience is that I have to be around at all times because my AUNT can be VERY DIFFICULT besides I wanted to fill them on on her habits and little quirks ...because she is so dependent on me for everything she hollers for me I would like to walk away also but i always stay near ....but when my dad had a caregiver for 9 hours a week I ALWAYS AND MEAN ALWAYS LEFT because my dad wanted me to be able to get away to shop and such....different personalities require different circumstances....but if i could I would leave get out if thats an option for you GO GET AWAY!!! BY ALL MEANS !! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! ,and I want to ask them to clean also but never have I asked them to clean I was hoping they would offer but NOPE NEVER !!at least they do her shower shes sooo picky about the shower its a big giant relief not to have to do that!! Ill take whatever help I can get anything is a releif LOL !! I SEND YOU HUGS!!

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Lorraine,

It’s a shame your aunt is that way because you need a break. Hugs!

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Do yourself a favour & plan on going out between 1 & 1 11/2 hours after the caregiver arrives - that will give you time to fill the caregiver in on your mom's routine/habits - maybe write out most of it so that they can double check if needed & you can give it if substitute comes - come back so that you can see if you missed anything & add it to the paper - treat them well by saying their name a couple of times -write our a few of your mom's interest so that they have a conversation starting point .... your mom likes cats & gardening or hates cats & loves dogs

Make an appointment to have your hair done 1 3/4 hours after caretaker arrives enjoy some freedom - say god-bye to mom with 'I'll be back just after lunch'

As to light housekeeping in her room - this would be a tidy up but changing the sheets should be done - making a sandwich for her lunch & ask them to sit with mom while she eats even if they both have a sandwich as sharing a meal with establish a better bond between them

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Thanks, moecam.

That’s all I am interested in. I have to get to my doctor appointments or hair appointments, etc. It’s hard not to be able to do things I need to do for myself.

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Stay for a while, observe since everyone has there "own way of doing things." As far as light housekeeping, it's probably dishes, clean counters, "tidy- up", dusting, vacuum, washing clothes & folding,

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You need to supervise them at the beginning to make sure that they know what their duties are and how to perform them. Also you need to figure out if you are compatible with them, or if you want to ask for a different caretaker.

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I agree. She has only been here once. That day was horrible weather with tornado warnings so I had to stay home. She did a good job. I was pleased.

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Get a camera for your home and link it to your smartphone. Don't trust anyone. Not saying there will be an issue but it's common. I've had aides steal from my father's home on more than one occasion.

If you want more free time, consider hiring someone you pay privately. I'm sure the person coming in is probably getting paid peanuts. Make sure you background check and get references.

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The agency did a background check and drug screening. I agree that everyone has to be careful these days.

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My mother felt more comfortable with me present as she adjusted to help from outside. Mom's initial help was for light housekeeping. In light of her mild cognitive issues, I'm not sure if she could have managed the beginning on her own. Once some routine was established and lists posted on the refrigerator, it was fair sailing without me. My dad required assistance after a long rehab. The first caregiver to arrive was a total disaster. I wanted so much for that person to work out. I was totally exhausted. It was frustrating that I felt I couldn't leave. But the caregiver was obviously new at this and overwhelmed with dad's needs. So, I called the agency who subsequently provided a much better caregiver who started the next day. I can't imagine what might have occurred if I weren't there. As it turned out, the replacement person was better than any of us could have hoped for. When the outside caregiver knows what they're doing and is a good match, it is incredibly easy to leave the home and enjoy your time away.

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Yeah, lynina

You had a tough situation. Harder and definitely frustrating.

I do plan to get out and see sunshine for awhile when caregiver is here.

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So I just started this also..And yes I took a break...I let her get started and then I left. Try to relax and get some Me Time...it is hard being the caregiver and it will take everything out of you..I look at it like this my parents cared for me above 18 years and it is my turn to take care and do what I can...Hugs and Prayers!

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Thanks,

Exactly what I need once in awhile. A short break can do wonders!

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Light housekeeping is dusting sweeping floors or vacuuming, cleaning mirrors, windows. Things that are not too heavy for the respite care worker.
My first respite care worker was in nursing school. She was great but she went back to school full time.
My present respite care worker is a male & was here mostly for conversation but then my husband got jealous & said he shouldn't come back. So I waited a few weeks & am slowly easing him back in.
I got him through our state senior services. They screen them pretty good. I have not had any problems with the workers.

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Play,

Sorry you lost your student. Good job for a student though. Glad you are easing back into it.

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NeedHelpWithMom: Wow - Praise God! My late mother used the services for her town's (Westford, Massachusetts) COA when she had to go to the doctor's or the grocery store. It was a nominal fee of $3/per trip. They also had a social worker, a bookkeepker (not worth her weight AT ALL), an accountant and a lot more. I am glad that you can use the Council on Aging's services for a caregiver! Did not know that you could do that - at least at my mom's town, you couldn't. Go YOU! Wait a minute - they DID have that service, but I did not use it because I lived in another state 500 miles away.

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In Westford she could have contacted Merrimack Valley Elder Services and they could have assessed her for her service needs including a caregiver and meals on wheels. Her local COA should have had that information available for her.

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The respite care is funded through different agencies so maybe they only have 8 hours available now. You have a case manager at COA and if COA gets more funding then you get a hold of the case manager and see if they can reevaluate your case. You can also call the Area Agency on Aging and ask if more funding is available.

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Thanks,

I appreciate the info.

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Get out of the house and enjoy the time.

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Yep,

Plan to do some walking. I miss nature.

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So I answered once but I've seen some different answers that didn't hold true to where I live. .so I have a respite worker that just comes and stays at the house with my dad for four hours she doesn't have to do anything at that time except to be Here for himand then she comes two other times a week and does light housekeeping or one hour each day.. The hours just ended this month as they ran out of funds but they get them back in about five months and then they can start back up if still needed .. Check with the person that did the intake they will be helpful

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Thanks

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I am finally getting respite care through Council on Aging. It isn’t much, 8 hours a month. Any advice for me?

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