Sorry, I am back again. I just spent the better part of my evening driving my MIL with my wife around because she could not sleep. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. I want out of this. My wife still is struggling with the idea of placing her mother. We toured a bunch of places but the only places her and my MIL liked were the ones that were criminally overpriced, one placed wanted 12k a month.
I thought about divorce and spoke to attorneys it is cheaper to keep her. I just want to ghost. I am in a dark place, I feel trapped. Cannot really talk to people about this because I always get reminded remember your vows.
I did all I could to try and get my her placed, my wife refuses because she is doing well. Great she is but I am going f**king mad. Life is sick joke, it does not pay to be a good person because no one f**king cares about you.
You bring up wonderful points. It really is about what the OP decides is acceptable for him. If we see writing on the wall, we need to pay attention to it. You were wise to end that relationship.
I have done the same as you in past relationships and chose to end the relationship. I never thought about changing anyone else’s behavior, instead I focused on what I feel about the situation.
I have seen so many people beating a dead horse, thinking that they can change their partner’s behavior.
No one has any control over another person’s behavior, especially if they are dealing with mental health issues. There are people who refuse to go to therapy or take medication.
Some people don’t even recognize that they have a problem. They will blame everyone else instead of looking at themselves.
We have to look at what we are willing or not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away.
So sorry to hear what you're going thru. I think it's important for you to take a step back and change your environment and find your own space. Give yourself a chance to regroup. Sometimes things are easiest being done in steps so nothing feels so abrupt. Since you mentioned that you're financially doing well, are you able to find a furnished apartment for a few months? You can still see your wife and keep things amicable - she can experience what it's like to take care of her mother full time on her own ...and you can take time for yourself. Time apart will give you both a chance to see your situations clearer. And, at that point, you'll have more clarity (as will she) as to the next steps. And at that point, if you feel more sure about getting a divorce, it should be somewhat easier emotionally at that point having had been apart for several months.
It's understandable that taking care of her mother has taken a toll on you - it's a lot to handle and your wife needs to understand that. Wishing you all the very best - and I think it's a really good thing that you're taking steps forward now in taking care of your own well being.
Second, this situation sounds nearly impossible for the two of you to handle on your own. This isn’t a case of you not trying hard enough, or not having the emotional strength to stay in the game. Are there no other family members? In my father’s hometown, where all of his relatives lived, there were several with big health issues. Many relatives would each do just a little, but everyone tried to participate as they were able. This made all the difference. The full burden was not put on one person or on one marriage. That’s really the crux of this problem in my opinion— I am not one of those who is rashly saying to place your MIL, but I do know from experience what you are dealing with. There is a big big problem, too big for two young adults. Placement is necessary not because you were selfish, but because this is impossible for you two to handle on your own.
I see you have decided on divorce. I would still encourage you and your wife to contact a placement specialist and get an expert involved. I said this before, but will repeat this again, as it was a major mistake that I made. There are people who deal with this stuff ALL DAY LONG. They will have ideas about what to do. Your wife is probably emotionally frozen and not able to make good decisions right now, and you are probably the same. I know I certainly was. Getting an expert on board would probably be very valuable.
Whatever you decide in this very hard situation, I wish you the best of luck.
Placement is extremely costly ($8k - $12K) per month.
Not affordable, wife has some sort of disability. Will not work.
The wife will not agree to placement.
MIL does not qualify for LTC, so no Medicaid coverage.
You question above doesn't reflect that decision, so I am thinking that you have only recently made it?
If that is so, I would sit with your decision a while. Then discuss it with your wife and move forward with your own life.
I wish you the very best.
You are the only person who knows your wife. No one should be making assumptions about your wife regarding her intentions before your marriage.
It’s clear that you fell in love with your wife. You said that you don’t regret marrying her. You don’t dislike her mother.
You stated that your friends warned you not to marry her. You didn’t say why your friends warned you about this marriage. So, we are in the dark about their feelings. For all we know, they could be prejudiced.
Of course, you are dissatisfied with your current situation. You have every reason to be upset about your circumstances as they stand now.
Since you aren’t able to make headway with your wife by yourself, please ask her to speak with a therapist in couples counseling. The therapist can act as a mediator in your relationship. That may be the only option in resolving this problem.
You are young. It’s hard to have to share your wife with her mother at such a young age. I’m very sorry that you are dealing with this situation.
If counseling doesn’t work then you have to decide what you want to do. Your wife will have lost her marriage and I seriously doubt that she will be able to continue to care for her without your help. She’s going to lose either way.
It’s tough because I know that you understand that she loves her mom dearly. She can’t have it both ways because her devotion to her mother is causing issues in your marriage which certainly isn’t fair to you.
This. She must still be in denial.
I know someone like this.
Not ready to go back to work. Kids & Mother need her. Wants to look after them herself. Wanted the ex to keep paying the child expences plus her rent.
He has stopped paying her rent.
Before then, please re-read KNance's suggestion. The one to stay away somewhere for a month.
I think this is an excellant idea. It's a strong message saying
*I am serious - please hear me*.
It will give you space.
It will give your wife a dose of reality.
Make a weekly telephone call maybe..
But it won't burn your bridge down just yet.
Your wife sounds like a sweet lady really. Caring but blinded by the enmeshed mother-daughter bond.
Those Myer-Briggs personality tests have an axis on thoughs vs feelings (T vs F). She would be probably be at the F end. Basing decisions on personal values, rather than logic.
By leaving for a month, your wife will experience the FULL load of caregiving.
Ignore extended family saying this is cruel. Well maybe it is.. being cruel to be kind. They do it in rehab facilities, for just this thing. When caregivers are adamant they will take their LO home. When they do not listen to the care needs do not let reason or logic in, decide with their feelings.
It works!
They LIVE it. REAL LIFE changes their mind. They start to get angry.. they can't do what they wanted to do. Can't cure the disease, stop it's progression, make their LO whole again. GRIEF at what health their LO has lost starts to happen.
Is a month in a hotel/air bnb worth a go?
No one can predict the future. I understand what you’re saying about your wife. She wants to please her mom but she feels caught between you and her mother. Of course, she should place you first. You are a patient man who loves his wife. There is no right or wrong way to see this situation. It’s about choosing what is best for you.
Neither of you anticipated any of this occurring. No one thinks about these things when they are young and in love.
Surprises happen unexpectedly and it’s hard to know how to handle it.
Things are hard to explain in an online forum. No facial expressions are seen, no one can hear another’s tone of voice. Misunderstandings occur. People make assumptions. Online forums are good and bad.
Have you spoken with someone face to face about this issue? I would consider asking your wife to attend marriage counseling and if she won’t go, you should still go by yourself.
Forget about what anyone here says. There are people who will not divorce their spouse no matter how miserable they are. There are others who will divorce their spouses at the drop of a hat without any counseling. There are people who will make a million excuses for not going to counseling.
You are the only person who can decide what is best for you in your situation.
Figure out what is best and move forward. You love your wife. You don’t hate your mother in law. You’re just stuck in a crappy situation. No matter what you choose it’s not going to be easy.
Be true to yourself. This is a huge test for your wife. She will have to choose between you and her mom should you find that it’s best that she not live in your home anymore.
It’s always harder to have family living with us. My mom lived with us. No matter how much we care about each other, these situations will always place a strain on relationships.
Plus, people who have never walked in your shoes will never fully understand what you are going through. How could they? I didn’t know how hard things would be until I was living with my circumstances.
So, take everything with a grain of salt and go to therapy where you can find an objective opinion from a licensed therapist.
Wishing you all the best.
Good Luck to you Basic . You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
You see this is not working for you and a change is needed, whether your wife comes to her senses or you leave .
I do not believe your wife is doing this out of malice or that it was a preconceived plan . I think she is so lost in the caregiving of her mother , leaving you behind , and at the same time may not realize that you are being taken advantage of . I think since touring facilities, your wife has decided to stay home and take care of her mother rather than go to work and put her Mom in a facility , even when her mother is “ worse” and can be accepted in a Medicaid facility . That is not fair to you .
And don’t be so hard on yourself . I think you are a nicer guy than you are giving yourself credit for . These situations break up marriages when one spouse , in this case your wife , is more dedicated to her parent than she is to the marriage .
People who disagree are the ones who have only been caregivers for a very brief period of time. They don’t have a clue how stressful it is to be a longtime caregiver.
I spent so many years caring for my mother. We no longer have a life of our own. Nip this in the bud so you won’t regret it down the road.
One of your statements stands out. You wrote, "My wife has always been one of the most caring and loving people I know. She is the type of person that would give her last dollar to someone else in need because they need it more."
That's so sweet. It's clear that you love her. But I keep coming back to my first thought when I read it, which is that your wife is caring, loving, and giving. Clearly she's that way with her mother. But when she knows you are in distress and hurting, she isn't that way with you. You are in need now, you are suffering because of her actions, and she won't help YOU.
You seem like a treasure. I'll leave you with that thought.
I feel for your conflicted state. You are still so young. Breaks my heart to hear of someone breaking up a marriage over something like this. My MIL was no angel, far from it, and she almost caused me to divorce my DH. There was a point where I did tell him to leave and to move in with his mom b/c that's where his heart really was.
Maybe you can move out to a long-term stay hotel and just live a 'single' life for a month or two. Go to work, find yourself doing things you enjoy and keep contact with your wife and her mom as minimal as you can. See how you feel after a couple months.
Staying in this marriage, they was it is now? You could be looking at 30+ years of CG.
I would hope your wife would attend some therapy sessions with you. Most divorces do include some kind of counseling. Your wife is undoubtedly aware that her mother being the 3rd wheel in your marriage is not a good idea, but you've been going along, keeping up the facade of a happy marriage for too long.
Whatever your final decision, I hope it brings you peace.
According to ALZ.org:
"On average, a person with Alzheimer's lives four to eight years after diagnosis, but can live as long as 20 years, depending on other factors. Changes in the brain related to Alzheimer's begin years before any signs of the disease."
My cousin was finally diagnosed at 68 (about 3 yrs ago) and she's already in hospice. My friend's Mom was diagnosed at 58 and lived for about 12 yrs.
All to say it probs won't be 30 yrs, and maybe not even 20. But still...long enough.
I don't remember if Basic mentioned an actual diagnosis or not...
Her mom is a cool person, she was not always sick. Shit happens that is all, I know my wife did not plan for this. I know she will be hurt by my choice. I make a decent living and have a high earning potential if I had the money I would gladly pay for a higher end faciality.
When I say being a good person does not pay, I do not mean in terms of reward. It just sometimes does not pay to do the right thing. The right thing here would be to stick to the understanding I made when I married my wife when she told me about her intent for care for her mom. Doing that would destroy me as a person.
I never thought she would get sick, she was always full of life and vitality. This disease robbed my wife of her mother, and life. I know this is far from her ideal situation, and I do not like that I cannot just push through and smile letting love conquer it all.
For what it is worth, please curb the theories that my wife is doing this out of malice. Yes, I am taking a back seat, but my wife has always been one of the most caring and loving people I know. She is the type of person that would give her last dollar to someone else in need because they need it more. I thought I could maintain the same, but I did it for different reason. I did all of this because I love my wife, and wanted to be with her forever. She does this because she cares. Yes she has a sense of entitlement, it is her mother who would not want what is best for their mother. She has every right to be entitled, does not mean she is going to get what she wants, but she has the right to feel the way she does.
I am also not going to make her choose between marriage or her mother, that is not my style. I rather her hate me for leaving, instead of hating me for making her stay. I will always love my wife, I do not even know if I will ever love someone as I love her. I hate the situation but not her. I mostly hate myself because of my own weakness.
My family saying the things they do because they are just going through the paces. If I divorce, logically I would seek some kind of partnership or whatever in the future. I can see their argument how it would awkward conversation when brought up. I am going to be honest, I just could not deal with the burden of caring for someone with dementia. At the core this is what this is about, I would gladly do all of this if my wife was sick, in a heartbeat. For whatever reason I just cannot find myself willing to keep doing the same for her mom.
You are extremely articulate and well written as well as being well thought-out. I trust you completely to come to some sort of compromise that is the best you can do in a life where there simply are things that "cannot be fixed" and must be "endured". It sure isn't a case of happy-all-the-time, and I say that as an 81 year old who has been exceptionally lucky from birth. And it isn't about making OTHERS happy all the time either. Sometimes you need time for YOU. You will get resentful if you can't find/make room for that.
Do your best. Try to figure out what you need most in life, and what you are capable of giving, and then come to some compromise that gives you good times, good friends, good activities that are YOURS and are about you.
You said above that you don't regret your marriage, that your MIL is a cool person, and that you know that s**t happens, and that you aren't going to make your wife choose between her marriage and her hubby. I think you got this. Now I want to hear you say that you know your wife's dance card is full, and there are times you have to be happy just to be out of her hair, and on your own. Without your needs conflicting with the pile on her plate.
People ask me if I am "happy".
I am 81. I am CONTENT. I have had an enormously LUCKY life.
There's a world of difference between happy and content. Who can remember "euphoria" and the fantasies of youth? I sure can't. Can't even remember if it is garbage day anymore!
Best of luck to you Basic. I think you got this.
No, it does not "pay" to be a good person. It's not supposed to. You do it because it's the right thing to do. Not because you're expecting a reward.
As for being reminded of your wedding vows. You did not make a promise to love, honor, and keep your mother-in-law. She's not part of that.
There was no reason why you should have driven your MIL around all night because she couldn't sleep and was "fussy". That is ridiculous. If your wife wants to drive her mother around all night because she's being fussy, toss her the car keys and go back to bed. Or let your MIL fuss and cry all night long. She'll wear herself out and go to sleep.
For your own sake, take back some of your manhood. As a woman who was married twice myself and remarrying hubby #2 in May, I will say no woman will ever have any respect for you if you have none for yourself. Letting your wife treat you like a doormat and take advantage is no kind of marriage. Get a divorce, no matter what it costs. Even if you are left with nothing but the clothes on your back, and I've been there myself though it's rarer when it's a woman, you will have something that money cannot buy.
Self-respect and dignity.
So you lay down the law with those two today, cowboy. You're the one paying for everything so you are king. Your word is law.
Tell your wife that your MIL is going to be placed in the first Medicaid facility that has a bed. In fact, you both will be doing an 'ER Dump'. This is when you take MIL to the ER and ask for a 'Social Admit' because she cannot be safely cared for in your home anymore. They will admit her and keep her until they find a facility to place her in.
After that's done, you tell your wife that either she has two weeks to start bringing income into the household. Either she gets a job, goes on welfare, or she goes out and spends 8 hours a day with a cardboard sign and a tin can panhandling in a parking lot.
She'll get her act together if you're serious. If not divorce her and start again with a woman you can make a real life with where you're not a meal-ticket to her and her mother.
Good luck.
I'm guessing(and hoping)that you meant after healing and taking time for himself to reflect on why he allowed what he did to happen in his first marriage, so that he won't make the same mistake in his second marriage if and when he decides to try it again, as all too often men(and some women too)want to jump right back into things while bringing all their old baggage along with them instead of unpacking it and leaving it behind, before they enter into a new relationship.
I'm hoping and praying that the OP will learn from his mistakes before entering in any future relationships.
It was made clear she would care for her mom if she got sick, you get married and poof! Mom is sick. Red flag
Your wife can't work but, she can provide 24/7 care to her mom. Which is waaayyyyy harder then an 8 hour job. Red Flag
Mom qualifies for medicaid but wifeypoo thinks mom is to good for public assistance facility. Red Flag
You work and support all of you but, mommy can't sleep and wife won't get her vision corrected so you, after working all day, need to drive them around for hours. (I know 1st hand that glasses can and do correct poor night vision, I dealt with it as a teenager learning to drive.) Red Flag
They saw you coming and caged you up nice and tight is my opinion.
During the divorce, be sure and bring up the can't work but can be a 24/7 caregiver, your attorney will love that bs.
You and your wife took vows, she chooses to flush hers down the mommy drain, leaving you in a wife-less marriage. Who is disregarding their vows?
Getting divorced sucks but, it happens all to often and is not the end of the world. Be sure and learn something from this education you are receiving.
Oh and be sure to not get her pregnant or you will never get out of this with half your hide.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Let's say the mother died tomorrow what would your life with your wife be down the road with her limitations and her own needs? Would you be able to deal with that? Being your wife's caregiver for 20, 30, or 40 years?
My neighbor's wife has all kinds of medical issues now that she didn't have 10 years ago and he has become her caregiver. The man looks like he is on deaths door and has aged 30 years in just the 5 or so years he has been doing this. He has memory issues and said he just doesn't know how much more of this he can do or can take. Yet his wife is not sick enough to go into a nursing home and has all her mental faculties but just needs help in general because of chronic pain and back issues.
Maybe you did rush into the marriage for whatever reason. You were advised not to get married by friends too and ignored all sound advice. I would recommend not remarrying if I were you. Your family is weird talking about you finding a new wife when you haven't even divorced the current wife yet.
All the options in front of you are basically crap. Whether you stay married or get divorced you are the only one who loses in either scenario. Why you would want to repeat that potentially in the future with a new marriage escape me. Clearly love doesn't conquer all and it doesn't make things any easier when you are facing what you are facing.
But Basic bent over backwards at a young age showing commitment , just for this wife to come to the conclusion that her mother is entitled to better care than Medicaid and that Basic was expected to pay for it . Basic is the one being taken for a ride from his wife and her mother .
That doesn’t preclude Basic from taking some lessons with him and starting over in another marriage someday . He is young . He hasn’t done anything wrong that I could see. He fell in love and made a commitment . It turned out his wife could not detach from her mother enough to honor her marriage commitment .
Somehow THIS seems to be what needs to change.
Basictakes, if you did leave your wife, start a formal separation of assets.. what would she do then?
If your home was to be sold, maybe rented out until longer term decisions were made..
You have a job & income. Have the means to rent a place to live.
She has no income & a Mother requiring care. Even with some sort of alimony.. could she support herself & her Mother?
You wife has become dependant on you. She has limited her own choices.
As another female, I see a dangerous path for your wife. If I was one of her girlfriends, I would point this out to her. I would think a women's counceing service would also advise her: aim to be more realistic about your Mother's situation & get yourself a job.
Been speaking with my therapist and the reality is as they told me, using force to change her mind will just prolong the damage and we will most likely end up divorced. She would grow to hate my guts for putting her and her mother in a situation which I agree no one should have to go through.
As my therapist asked me if I want to stay married to my wife I will need to be the one that changes not her. Forcing her to place her mom, forcing her to work will only lead to resentment, it would not foster love. That is the price I would have to pay to stay married to her.
If I do not want to pay that price then I am better off divorcing her now, letting her hate me and move on with my life. Which is what I am leaning towards. I love my wife, and I hate the fact this disease has claimed another life and marriage, but I have no desire to keep doing this.
I know she will blame everyone else but herself, because in her head she does not have a choice. She loves her mother, her mother gave everything for her and this is the least she could do. My own family feels the same way they feel what she is doing is noble and I am just being a selfish POS because I want out when the going gets tough.
My family claims I will have a hard time finding someone else after they find out the truth why I divorced my wife, cause way they are spinning it yeah it does not look good, I am leaving my wife because her mother has a disease with no cure that will rob her of everything, and I just could not deal.
Maybe they are right, maybe I will forever be alone, but I cannot live like this anymore.
If you are spending so much money on your mother in law’s care now, what does your wife think about not having any money left for her care or your care in your senior years?
Doesn’t she realize that no one has unlimited funds? You can’t afford to be spending so much money, even if you do earn a good living.
Prices keep rising on everything. All of us have to watch what we are spending these days.
My wife refuses to entertain the idea of a normal Medicaid Facility.
Dumb system lol.
Your wife's mother is her priority, you are not, it is just that simple. If you want to spend the next many years being a third wheel that is up to you, stay...if you want to have a life for yourself and a relationship of two, then leave and start rebuilding your life.
In the meantime stop driving Miss Daisy and her caregiver around in the middle of the night. Let Miss Daisy hire a chauffeur, this is just plain crazy.
Your MIL is not doing good, she is not independent you and your wife are her crutches, only you can stop this insanity. Best of luck to you!
Hope that you get this figured out,