I’ve been responsible for my mother’s care for the last 10 years. She has suffered from periods of severe depression all her life. In the last 10 years there have been 5 times that she’s had to live with me and my husband for months at a time due to depression. After living in assisted living and then a memory care assisted living, her money is gone and we reluctantly moved her to a nursing home last month. My question is this - there is literally no one but me to be responsible for her and to visit her. My adult children live far away. My husband and I have just retired. We want to travel and potentially move to Texas from Massachusetts, which is where our younger daughter and only grandchild live. I don’t know what to do. How do I balance my obligations to my mother with the things my husband and I want to do now that we are retired. My mother has dementia but still knows who people are. She’s not oriented to place or time. If we don’t visit her, no one does. There is just no one around all all her friends are deceased. I’m so upset and crying all the time. I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been in a situation like this? I’m so exhausted from the last 10 years. We need a break.
Im the last living kid for my dad. I cared for him and mom long distance for about 6 years. I recently moved dad to a nursing home near me. Mom died over a year ago.
Believe me, I know what you’re going through. My wife and I are both retired and are starting to do some traveling. We have two trips scheduled this spring. I see my dad just about every day but I’m not worried about taking trips. His dementia is to the point where maybe I’m his son or maybe I’m his brother. I could be away for 10 minutes or ten years, dad doesn’t know the difference.
Take your trips. Mom will be fine. Nothing to be guilty about.
I do understand your situation. I am an only and have 3 "mothers" (I was raised with my mom and her 2 older sisters who never married or had kids for 18+ years. They are 90, 97 and 100. I also oversee care for my MIL who is in LTC 3 miles from me). You have to work on having peace in your heart over things you can't change. Please don't allow guilt to eat away at your happiness. You've done the best you've been able for 10 years! Many people don't even give or get that much. Wishing you a wonderful retirement adventure with your hubby and kids, whatever you decide.
Could you afford to hire someone to look in on your mother when you are out of town? Maybe 2 hours a week? Here in TN we have a volunteer hours requirement for high school graduation and for the state's college scholarships. My only child cousin arranged through the college's nursing program for a nursing student to visit and check on her mother mid-week. When the student fulfilled her volunteer hours, my cousin paid her to continue the visits.
If possible, I would recommend moving your mother to Texas after you have settled there. My understanding is your mother would most likely qualify for Medicaid in Texas after establishing a Texas residency. You may need to private pay one month of NH expenses if you move her directly from a MA NH to a TX NH. I suggest working with a Medicaid SW to get everything set up after you have moved to TX.
Please remember there is no promise of tomorrow and do not delay your travel plans with your husband or involvement with your children and grandchildren. A few years back my uncle took early retirement (age 60) to spend more time with my aunt who had an unoperatable blood clot leading to her brain and could have a fatal stroke at any time. They traveled extensively and really enjoyed themselves for a few years. Then my uncle was diagnosised with pancreatic cancer and died 2 months later at just 64 years old. My aunt outlived him by 12 years before the clot moved and caused a stroke. Dementia has taken your mother into a world where your physical presence is of little comfort to her. Give most of your time and efforts to the family who can still be impacted by your presence.
I told her it's my (and husband's) time to pursue some of our wishes. We are mid-50s and I took over our family business in my 20s so my parents could retire early and travel (they traveled the world!). I've done nothing but work for the last three decades and watch others go on vacations and weekend getaways.
My concern is continuing possibly another decade of shutting my life down for my mom. What if something happens to me or husband that we can no longer pursue our dreams? I will have a future full of regret.
One of my best friends, she is 56 - four years ago, she and her husband took in her 85-year old mother. To do so, they stopped taking their weekend beach getaways, and figured they would resume them "when mom died". Guess what - husband had a heart attack at age 60, gone in an instant. Left my friend scrambling for money, had to send mom packing to live with another relative. My friend is SO SAD that she missed quality time with her husband in his last years, and prioritized her mother's needs. So much regret!
It's easy for others to say Move On With Your Life....but how do you DO that when the phone calls keep coming in? Who else is the MC or the SNF gonna call with a question, a med change, an issue, a new hospitalization, a decline, a fall....etc etc ETC. If I was located in another state, I'd just wind up flying back here all the time anyway.
Wishing you the best of luck.......I feel like running away to another COUNTRY half the time and leaving no forwarding number, if that makes you feel any better. It's a lot, isn't it? My suggestion is to take a nice 2 week vacation to Europe or a Mediterranean cruise.......just get away and regroup. It's amazing what a refreshing experience it is for the soul to get away from all of it for a while.
I'm wondering how/who is paying for her care? as you said her money is gone.
You may have to take her with you if you move to Texas to be close by cause you can't leave her so far away, especially in her condition. You'll obviously need to get that lined up in Texas so she's got a place to live and be cared for. Sorry, I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but you'll likely be more worried and upset if you leave her there, and then later have to make lots of trips to help and/or visit.
Once you get her settled (it'll likely be harder on her at her age and with dementia) and yourselves, there may be the up side of your daughter and family visiting her and helping some (but don't count on it). Whether they do or not, you'll have her near enough to help her. When you think about it, you're thinking of doing the same thing .. moving closer to your daughter. It may get better when you have your daughter and family close by to support you and doing other things.
Wherever mom is, you can't be there with her visiting all the time just because there's no one else. Maybe cut your visits in half or more. Ask workers to get her involved with other people and activities there.
You need to rest and take breaks; we all do. There's no shame in that.
Would you want your children to put their lives on hold for you? Would you want them to exhaust themselves and sacrifice for you like you did?
(By the way..time to let them know what YOU want when the time comes.)
If the move you want to do pans out look for a SNF (skilled Nursing Facility..aka Nursing Home) near where you plan on living and see if they will accept her and what would need to be done to transfer her. If she wants to move. If she can make that distinction/decision. But if you will feel bad leaving her then you will have to attempt a move for her just for yourself.
You can still be responsible long distance. Or you can hire a Geriatric Care Manager or rely on the facility to keep you current with monthly phone meetings. And maybe 2, 4 or 6 times a year make it an in person meeting as I am sure you still have friends in the area that you might want to visit on occasion.
By the way getting back to the move and taking charge of yourself...Maybe look into Retirement Communities that will transition from Independent to Assisted to Memory Care in case you ever need it. I think if you compare all costs buying a house vs Retirement Community it might be pretty even when you consider no property taxes, no gas, electric, water, lower food cost and lower transportation costs since most will transport you to a variety of locations.
Right now you are afraid to let go of her, her care, that would be step one... accept the fact that she is old and that you have done all that you can for her.
Your husband and your children should be your first priority, he had agreed to taking her in during the last 10 years, he now deserves to retire and enjoy his time with you and the family. Don't shortchange yourself or him. Accept what you cannot change and go about the business of living your life, you have earned this!
My best...
Are you pleased with the facility and the quality of care that she has been receiving thus far? Is your mother settled in and comfortable there now? If so, go ahead with your plans, but if you're still feeling a little queasy about it, do it gradually. Start with taking a weekend away, then progress to week-long trips, depending on what kind of traveling you want to do and how your mother is faring in the facility.
Things may very well even out in time, and you'll be able to enjoy your life without guilt or apprehension.