I am the sole caregiver for her and she lives in a Nursing home. She is nasty to everyone especially me but is afraid to ask my sister for anything because she said that “she has to babysit”. I work full time as a nurse and come home exhausted. I am very depressed about allowing her to make me feel this way. She acts like a raging nasty woman. I am very upset and the therapists told me to go online for support groups.
Dealing with our parents is not easy and usually quite a nightmare.
Do you have boundaries with your mom?
If not, they will save your life when you set and enforce them.
Just because she is old and in a NH doesn't mean you become her personal scratching post. It is okay to say no, it is a complete sentence. It is okay to say, I am leaving now because your behavior is unacceptable. It is okay to tell her that she needs to be nicer and stop the hatefulness or you won't be available to help her.
Even with dementia they know , as you state she won't ask your sister because she is busy babysitting, she knows treating you wretchedly is not okay.
You found a great forum for support, venting and getting encouragement to take care of you.
Welcome! Hugs!
If you can, google the topic and at least know this is a very common tactic of narcissistic mothers - to have a designated “golden child” and then...you. There is nothing you can do, other than limit the amount of contact you have with her, or make her feel the way she likes to feel so she lays off. A narcissist seeks constant validation and approval. They live for compliments - the more you let her know she is letting you down by the obvious favoritism, the more she’ll deflect and need to hurt you to end her discomfort in that moment. Even if she’s full of crap and unpleasant yo be around, if you can suck it up and pretend that you are hanging on her every word and that there is no place you’d rather be, she’ll begin to lose the satisfaction she gets by feeling superior when she puts you down. Remember that they can’t help how they do things - they never change and they can’t believe they’ve done anything wrong. Plus she’s old. There is no benefit to changing. Seeking equal treatment or appreciation only hurts you. You’ll get more satisfaction from screaming at a brick wall than you will trying to get justice. If you can’t avoid her or cut off contact, faking her greatness it is the only way to stop the attacks.
Kissing her butt and playing into it doesn't stop anything, especially if you are not willing to dance to their tune. A longer to do list is all it gets you because now they know they are smarter then you and will use you until you are used up.
Why are you comparing how your mother you vs. how she treats your sister? Do you KNOW how mom treats sis while she's there? Does your sister protect HERSEL by saying " I can't come mom, I have to babysit"?
Tell your mom that you're going away for a few weeks ( sick friend, out of town conference, whatever).
Don't visit for at least 2 weeks. Send cards
See how that feels.
Medication can sometimes help these situations.
As your mother is safe and secure in a Nursing Home, have you considered not going to visit her? For example, you could consciously decide that you will take a break of, say, two weeks. You will not visit her again until June 29th. How would that prospect feel, just as an idea?
What was your relationship with your mother like before she was admitted to the Nursing Home?
First, she is in a NH. All her needs are met. She has 3 meals a day and snacks. Activities and entertainment. People around her constantly. They do her laundry. They supply toiletries. And as a Nurse, at her age does she still need to go to a doctor. Can she not use the one at the facility. My Mom had Graves disease. By the time she entered the NH it had stabilized. Told her specialist that it was getting harder getting her there so he suggested the NH doctor run a lab every six months and as long as she is stable, no problem. Another she wss down to every year to check a thickening in her upper stomach. No change in a while so I stopped him. She had bladder cancer at one time. After 7 yrs of scoping and no cancer, I stopped him. She had Dementia and was in the final stages so if she contracted cancer, we would haven't done anything anyway.
Your Mom has Dementia and if she was nasty before, its probably more so now. My daughter is an RN. Worked rehab/NHs for 20 yrs. I am 69. I try to help her knowing the stress she is under. She has two sons, the youngest six. You need to learn to walk away. You don't have to visit everyday. As her Dementia progresses, she won't know if u have been there or not. You may go everyday and she'll still say "haven't seen u in a while". Tell ur sister you are cutting back and why. So, she needs to see Mom more. If she doesn't thats not ur problem. If Mom has a phone, lose it. She does not need one in a NH. The Nurses will call u with any problems. Maybe her doctor can give her something for the nastiness.
Your Mom is safe, clean and fed. Chalk up what she says and does as the Dementia talking. She has everything she needs. You are lucky she is in a NH and you can spend time doing what you want. I suggest some time away. Even a long weekend. Take a friend or enjoy some alone time.
I am on FB and have connected with some old friends. One I do breakfast with, the other two are sisters and we do lunch together.