Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Thank you for responding .,,jeez.... it’s so nice to talk to someone who is not crazy like my mom... I have respite coming in... but I have been here for almost 4 years now and I am SO burnt out... I love my mom with all my heart but I don’t know how to cope anymore... I feel like I live in a nut house... I’m just so tired.... thanks for listening ...I’m doing my best to keep her out of a nursing home... which was her wish... I feel guilty for having respite here but mentally I am just so burnt out.... thanks for listening 😃
Nay, I know exactly how you feel. I changed my mom's dirty stinky yucky diapers every morning and night and in between. I hated doing it. I had to wear a mask that I sprayed heavy perfume into just so I wouldn't gag from the smell of dirty diapers. I saw no end in sight and I often wished for the end to come. My mother was a strong and proud woman before Alzheimer's robbed her of her mind. If she knew what had become of her, she would die of shame.
I had my mother live with me for two very long years. She turned my home into a mental institution. My family and I were trapped in that nut house. I could feel the stress and tension at every waking moment. It was terrible, terrible. I finally had to move my mom out to save my sanity.
Don't feel guilty about taking respite. You need it. And I recommend you rethink your decision to not put your mom in a nursing home. Right now, your home is a nursing home/nut house and you are the only worker there and you have to cover all three shifts every day. How long can you keep this up before you collapse? What would happen to your mom then? She would go to a nursing home. That is what would happen.
You are just tired...tired of answering the same question over and over and repeating yourself, tired of denial, tired of not being able to do what you want, when you want to and as fast as you think you should be able to do, tired of all the demands and being the responsible one, tired of your questions (and answers) being mis-interpreted, tired of your own reactions to things that you would not have reacted to before, tired of the endless list of tasks (check 1 off which adds 2 more on), tired of leaving vmails for "simple" questions, tired of new hurdles that you never anticipated, tired of people who prefer to be an obstacle rather than a resource, tired of pressing numbers on the telephone when "representative" or "agent" doesn't work, tired of being put on hold, tired of waiting....tired, tired, tired.
I would try and find a mental health therapist who can help you with your emotions through this very difficult time and get you started on alternatives. See if your PCP or your insurance has a list of people or recommendation.
In the meantime, we are here to support you. However, we cannot provide timely personalized, accurate advice. Only a professional can do that for you.
PROMISES REQUESTED BY DEARLY LOVED ADULTS BEFORE THEY SUCCUMB TO DEMENTIA SHOULD NEVER BE HONORED/APPROVED WITH FULL AND WILLING CONSENT OF THE CAREGIVER.
Ok, I’ve said it. And I believe in what I said. My mother wanted to “die at home”, or at very least, in the public geriatric residence that was literally walking distance from the home she’d lived in her whole life.
I loved her dearly, but our relationship as mother and daughter had never been the best, and she was 24/7 care when contrary to what I KNEW was not in HER best interest as NOR mine, I brought her home with me and became her FULL TIME caregiver.
She was stubborn and disoriented and angry, and could not be trusted, as a constant fall risk, for ONE SECOND alone. (I slept on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed).
When she finally returned permanently to the very good care facility where she’d had 3 months of rehab, my life became “different”. I made daily visits, worked full time, did her bills, provided her disposable undies……but slept in my own bed and was able to take a shower without hearing her screaming for me.
Nay1001, The care of family with dementia is not irrevocably assigned on the day of your birth. You have a responsibility to stay well and treat YOURSELF with respect.
My mom had been bouncing from health crisis to health crisis for most of my adult life and I had been dreading finding her dead at her home every visit so I never imagined that she could live to age 99 or that a person could become so completely physically and mentally dependent, and that they could continue on that way for years. Mom never made me promise not to put her in a nursing home but I knew she was terrified of the idea because of her experiences when she worked in one before her marriage, so I took care of her as long as I could. Sometimes it's just too much for one person to handle.
Nay1001, “WTF is wrong with me?” The only thing wrong with you is that you’ve gone beyond your caregiving limits. So many of us do. Those of us who have cared for a LO with a dementia related illness know how the constant demands of that care can wear us down to an unimaginable emotional and physical rabbit hole. Every new day is, as Yogi Berra said, deja vu all over again. The obligation you feel (like, it’s your job) to continue to care for your mom beyond what you call burnout is dangerous for both you and her. You’re trying your best to keep her out of a “nursing home”. Did you promise her that? If so, I’m afraid you’ll have to renege on that promise. This situation is no longer about your mom’s wishes, it’s about your own mental and physical health. You admit, you’re at the end of your rope, you’re tired, you have no patience.
You are not experiencing burnout; you are not just tired. There is a condition called “compassion fatigue”. It is beyond burnout. It is the result of years of constant demands on you to provide for your mom’s care. It’s sort of a caregiver’s PTSD. These feelings can cause loss of empathy for your mom, cause you to feel hopeless, resentful, and a diminished sense of self.
How do you cope with it? You remove yourself from the situation. Like ChoppedLiver says, memory care facilities are not the nursing homes of old. You can no longer honor your mom’s wishes. Would you feel guilty in placing your mom in MC? Would you feel like you’re neglecting proper care for her? Probably. I was faced with that situation also, as I’m sure others in this forum were as well. I decided that if I could find my wife an acceptable caring facility, one that could ensure her safety, manage her medications, and understand her illness better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her.
It’s time to look at care facilities. See for yourself. When you do, forget how attractive they may seem, concentrate on the staff/resident interaction. Does the staff really seem to care for the residents?
Once that’s done, seek counseling for yourself to help get you back to living your own life.
So it's mom's wish to stay out of a nursing home, but at what cost?
At the expense of you going insane caring for her for 4+ years which can turn into 10?
At the expense of you dreading waking up in the morning, hopeless, looking at another day of changing diapers, wiping butts, listening to her carrying on and ranting with dementia?
At the expense of your entire life?
When a parent makes a request of their child such as this, its 100% selfish and never takes the full picture into consideration. Never.
If your mother told you 10 years ago that she'd acquire dementia, become incontinent and STILL want 24/7 365 care from you, what would you say, knowing what you know now?
And would she ask such a ridiculously monumental thing of you, knowing ahead of time what a huge burden she'd wind up being?
That she'd be asking you to sacrifice your LIFE and your well being for her, for no good reason, too, all because the thought of a nursing home didn't sound too nice.
Put into those terms, the whole thing sounds absurd.
Because it is.
It's time to take YOUR life into consideration now and realize there's more than one way to care for your mother. Without leaving your blood all over the floor in the process and perhaps dying before she does.
Its time to realize and acknowledge there are TWO equally important lives that matter here, not just moms.
It's time to look into managed care now, before you wind up hospitalized and mom is forced into a nursing home ANYWAY.
There's nothing wrong with you except compassion fatigue on top of sheer exhaustion and probably some well earned depression thrown in. A serious recipe for disaster.
Please take another look at this situation and the options available for mom. My mother did quite well in Memory Care Assisted Living for the last nearly 3 years of her life, honestly. And I promised dad I'd always take care of mom when he was dying, which I did.
I feel the same...Recently lost my wife to cancer after a 9 month illness....My soon to be 97 y/o mother has become totally dependent after my wife died...My dad died over 15 years ago and she still grieves daily for him...I am hoping to have respite care nurse/aide at least once/week..I know the stress effected my wife also..My mom reminds me daily she was neglected during the cancer episode. I had virtually no family support..wifes sister who was her best friend never in 9 months offered any support until the very end..The only cared sent was UNSIGED missing you card from their church using church postage....I am an only child also...Thank you for allowing me to vent...
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
thanks for listening ...I’m doing my best to keep her out of a nursing home... which was her wish... I feel guilty for having respite here but mentally I am just so burnt out.... thanks for listening 😃
Maybe I have taken on more than I can handle...
Don’t know sometimes...
I had my mother live with me for two very long years. She turned my home into a mental institution. My family and I were trapped in that nut house. I could feel the stress and tension at every waking moment. It was terrible, terrible. I finally had to move my mom out to save my sanity.
Don't feel guilty about taking respite. You need it. And I recommend you rethink your decision to not put your mom in a nursing home. Right now, your home is a nursing home/nut house and you are the only worker there and you have to cover all three shifts every day. How long can you keep this up before you collapse? What would happen to your mom then? She would go to a nursing home. That is what would happen.
I would try and find a mental health therapist who can help you with your emotions through this very difficult time and get you started on alternatives. See if your PCP or your insurance has a list of people or recommendation.
In the meantime, we are here to support you. However, we cannot provide timely personalized, accurate advice. Only a professional can do that for you.
We care...
A more important question is what can you do so you don't feel like this anymore?
WHY? How did it happen that had to move in with her almost four years ago? Are you an only child?
Did you give up a job? What is your financial future?
Why is your mother's "wish" more important than your physical, mental, and (probably?) financial health?
Ok, I’ve said it. And I believe in what I said. My mother wanted to “die at home”, or at very least, in the public geriatric residence that was literally walking distance from the home she’d lived in her whole life.
I loved her dearly, but our relationship as mother and daughter had never been the best, and she was 24/7 care when contrary to what I KNEW was not in HER best interest as NOR mine, I brought her home with me and became her FULL TIME caregiver.
She was stubborn and disoriented and angry, and could not be trusted, as a constant fall risk, for ONE SECOND alone. (I slept on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed).
When she finally returned permanently to the very good care facility where she’d had 3 months of rehab, my life became “different”. I made daily visits, worked full time, did her bills, provided her disposable undies……but slept in my own bed and was able to take a shower without hearing her screaming for me.
Nay1001, The care of family with dementia is not irrevocably assigned on the day of your birth. You have a responsibility to stay well and treat YOURSELF with respect.
I too am an only child.
“WTF is wrong with me?”
The only thing wrong with you is that you’ve gone beyond your caregiving limits. So many of us do. Those of us who have cared for a LO with a dementia related illness know how the constant demands of that care can wear us down to an unimaginable emotional and physical rabbit hole. Every new day is, as Yogi Berra said, deja vu all over again. The obligation you feel (like, it’s your job) to continue to care for your mom beyond what you call burnout is dangerous for both you and her. You’re trying your best to keep her out of a “nursing home”. Did you promise her that? If so, I’m afraid you’ll have to renege on that promise. This situation is no longer about your mom’s wishes, it’s about your own mental and physical health. You admit, you’re at the end of your rope, you’re tired, you have no patience.
You are not experiencing burnout; you are not just tired. There is a condition called “compassion fatigue”. It is beyond burnout. It is the result of years of constant demands on you to provide for your mom’s care. It’s sort of a caregiver’s PTSD. These feelings can cause loss of empathy for your mom, cause you to feel hopeless, resentful, and a diminished sense of self.
How do you cope with it? You remove yourself from the situation. Like ChoppedLiver says, memory care facilities are not the nursing homes of old. You can no longer honor your mom’s wishes. Would you feel guilty in placing your mom in MC? Would you feel like you’re neglecting proper care for her? Probably. I was faced with that situation also, as I’m sure others in this forum were as well. I decided that if I could find my wife an acceptable caring facility, one that could ensure her safety, manage her medications, and understand her illness better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her.
It’s time to look at care facilities. See for yourself. When you do, forget how attractive they may seem, concentrate on the staff/resident interaction. Does the staff really seem to care for the residents?
Once that’s done, seek counseling for yourself to help get you back to living your own life.
I wish you well.
At the expense of you going insane caring for her for 4+ years which can turn into 10?
At the expense of you dreading waking up in the morning, hopeless, looking at another day of changing diapers, wiping butts, listening to her carrying on and ranting with dementia?
At the expense of your entire life?
When a parent makes a request of their child such as this, its 100% selfish and never takes the full picture into consideration. Never.
If your mother told you 10 years ago that she'd acquire dementia, become incontinent and STILL want 24/7 365 care from you, what would you say, knowing what you know now?
And would she ask such a ridiculously monumental thing of you, knowing ahead of time what a huge burden she'd wind up being?
That she'd be asking you to sacrifice your LIFE and your well being for her, for no good reason, too, all because the thought of a nursing home didn't sound too nice.
Put into those terms, the whole thing sounds absurd.
Because it is.
It's time to take YOUR life into consideration now and realize there's more than one way to care for your mother. Without leaving your blood all over the floor in the process and perhaps dying before she does.
Its time to realize and acknowledge there are TWO equally important lives that matter here, not just moms.
It's time to look into managed care now, before you wind up hospitalized and mom is forced into a nursing home ANYWAY.
There's nothing wrong with you except compassion fatigue on top of sheer exhaustion and probably some well earned depression thrown in. A serious recipe for disaster.
Please take another look at this situation and the options available for mom. My mother did quite well in Memory Care Assisted Living for the last nearly 3 years of her life, honestly. And I promised dad I'd always take care of mom when he was dying, which I did.
Best of luck taking care of YOU now.