I am a widower. My wife died 10 years ago. I have 3 grown daughters who are not so inclined to be available. Any advice?

Happy birthday, Tabouli! And many, many more! I have not read through all of the replies so bear with me, please. 😛

Your daughters have made it clear, for now anyway, that it’s up to you to plan for your later years. So do that. They might change their minds, but I wouldn’t count on it. There is nothing wrong with preparing for every contingency you can.

I never had kids, so I’m “it” as far as planning for my later years goes. It’s daunting, so I’m seeing a lawyer.

I’m sorry your daughters have disappointed you. But it’s better to find out now than when you really do need help on a regular basis. I’m going to see an elder law attorney in a couple of weeks, and maybe you could consider doing the same thing.

I wish you a very speedy recovery, and a long, happy and healthy life.

I was thinking some more about my own mother at about that age when she could still drive but had the results of a stroke. She used to come to my house on Saturday mid-morning when I was doing the washing, and sit and tell me how to hang it up properly (sort of a joke). This was company without taking up much of my precious weekend. Then we would sit and have lunch with the children (while she told me how to bring them up properly). We both enjoyed a spread of cheeses and continental sausage, and we would both contribute to a most enjoyable lunch, then go about our businesses for the afternoon. It worked well for both of us, and my children still remember Grandma and those lunches. Could you develop a habit like this?

One thing to remember is that the 30s are some of the busiest times in most people’s lives. There are young children, a career that needs a lot of attention, and a busy social life. Their attention is not usually on parents aged about 60 who have always been able to look after themselves. OP is doing exactly the right things in sorting out his own life – he shouldn’t be looking for much support at that age. Things may change later, but our posters are usually quite clear that taking on major support for a relatively young parent is a disaster. However for a parent whose own life has contracted, who has a sudden problem, and whose major interest has been their children, it’s hard to accept. OP Tabouli is a family hero for doing the right thing!

This kind of thing always bothers me. I can't imagine a family that "has no time" for their seniors. How the heck were they brought up?! I can understand if long term in depth caregiving can be too much, but at least some attempt should be made. Why the heck bother to have children otherwise? When I was growing up, after my maternal grandmother died, my maternal grandfather, who was deaf and blind, came to live with us and I can't imagine anything else. Years later, we occasionally had more than one grandparent living with us.

I think you should not count on those "children" for anything and instead see to setting things up for your own comfort and convenience. And your own fun. And don't send presents!

My suggestion however may sound harsh is to seek out living arrangements which better suit you receive care or are sent to hospitals when necessary either by outside services or senior living facilities. I have 2 sons, both with huge responsibilities in their lives and their own health issues. Although, they do care and come by it is not the same world now as when I was growing up. Family is family, however, their lives cannot revolve around me. I need to be proactive and have a plan. I also think if there is no medical or financial POA in place, you give a hard look at if you would want any of your daughters in the position. The law in most states does not say you must choose your children. If one is listed, revisit and change if you feel you will not be serviced as you may need. You are in a position to get everything done now before you need. It is difficult to understand, but each of us has our own lives and no matter what we feel, someone else does not necessarily have the same opinion. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

Many thoughtful responses here. It broadens one’s perspective, for sure,

It is an amazing thing, yes, when our adult offspring achieve full independence! I think we sometimes forget the wonderful Forest our trees have become into.

I know many caregivers here are exasperated with parents whose focus becomes narrower and narrower over time, as is often the case when there’s little else in life, other than their aches and pains, financial worries, household repairs needing attention. It is drudgery to tend to it for ourselves and for parents’ life support as well.

I would be remiss if I did not clarify, the ‘jump now’ behavior has never been our way here. What parent wouldn’t be sad when all the adult offspring have never, ever, been available to so much as hang a picture on the wall during a visit - that is funded by their parents’ payment of airfare, pet sitter, rental car, whatever it took to get them to the parents’ location. I’ve never had a leaky faucet repaired, an oil change on a car, none of the things we are now unable to do. Nor do we ask. They have all made it perfectly clear that they don’t intend to ever do anything or assist, even if parents should be in dire circumstances. While we applaud their adult independence, we suffered horribly on a couple occasions during severe illness, hospitalization, surgeries. Begged for help. They refused. Twice in several decades. So, please do not think that one’s own demanding or inconsiderate parents is the way all seniors are. Visits funded by grandparents aren’t even our issue. If they didn’t want to see us they wouldn’t take us up on funding the cost of their travel. It’s the turning their backs on a mother seriously touch and go, waiting for emergency surgery, in the hospital, when the nurse places a call, and they still aren’t interested, that’s hurtful.

As I stated. We now choose to get on with it. Just knowing where we stand, we can make our own arrangements. When we can no longer manage, we will just deal with it. I will say, I probably won’t even call certain persons, when a severe medical crisis occurs, or a death, in the future. It’s been made perfectly clear we are only useful for what we give. Not bitter. Just now our eyes are wide open.

I am so glad u have figured it all out. By doing this your girls will see that you will not be asking too much of them. But would enjoy a little of their time. Even a call "hey Dad I am busy but just wanted to say Hi".

I have an exfriend who at 70 has never really learned to be independent. A real Debbie Downer. You suggest, she comes back with why she can't do that. Expects too much out of people and wonders why they back off. Me for one. The last straw was a call about not being included in a luncheon and no one willing to drive her there. Sorry I am such a burden. I had no idea what she was talking about. I found out later, and the luncheon had nothing to do with me so no reason to tell her.

Glad all seems to be working out. Keep us updated. Nice to hear the good stuff.

Tabouli, it's so good to hear how things are going with you and your daughters and your plans going forward. Another activity you might consider, if it is available in your area, is "senior college" or "lifelong learning," or even adult education enrichment classes at a local high school. There are a lot of nonacademic classes, and even interest groups such as book clubs, hiking, and photography. For travel, I've had friends who've used Grand Circle Tours, which caters to 55+. I think a lot of older folks also like tours run by AAA. Where we live, one of the bus companies has short ttrips (1-3 days) to nearby places of interest or for special events. Here are some other ideas: https://seniors.lovetoknow.com/senior-travel-groups

Best of luck with your surgery, and your life thereafter.

Well done Tabouli, I am sure that you and your daughters will have some lovely times together and think of all the things you will have to share with them about your new adventures.

Tabouli10, You sound terrific and have a wonderful plan of action for your future. I wish you the best of luck!

THANK ALL, for the responses. They were all so thoughtful, honest, personal and truly helped me understand all the nuances with my relationships with my daughters, as well as inspired some valuable introspection!!!
In summation, what I've decided to do is to arrange for various agencies, outside social activities, i.e. concerts, museums, commonwealth club, travel, friends AND contact with daughters, as the spirit moves them (and me), to support me with my various needs, my life. I plan to significantly shift emphasis on my expectations from them to all else that is both available and interesting to me.
The need to relieve them of both practical and philosophical pressure, to allow them to live their own lives without encroachment, is what I need to reorient my, and their behavior, toward. Thus far, I have begun by contacting agencies for assistance, i.e. household tasks, shopping, etc. and when I am more mobile (after surgery I had recently) and independent, and even now, prior to my anticipated autonomy, the process has commenced.
Finally, two of my daughters have already been responsive and have contacted me to help out around the house, and even played cards with me, an absolute first.
I will keep this communication current and convey this "evolving" process of my family life to this wonderful forum.
I will continue to support them in their graduate studies, and whatever I can offer in the way of fatherly guidance, mentorship, finances and love.
By the way, they are 30 years old (twins) and 34.
Only last issue is my socializing..difficult to connect with someone for any meaningful, thoughtful conversational exchanges.
Thank you all again.
Tabouli

I am sorry there is a difference in the family relationships you wish for, and what the offspring wish for. I am in a similar situation.
Relationships with Mom/me when my sons were raising children, going through divorces, needed to couch surf for job loss - I thought we had mature, adult relationships, enjoyed laughs, visits, life’s ups and downs. As I am not needed so much for financial assistance for adult children, they have decided to mostly ignore me. Feels like the Love was one-sided, parasitic, since they have gotten on with their lives. I choose to not dwell on it, if they were only mooching off my limited income, I cannot change the men they choose to be. A lot has to do with me being abused by their father, they learned a lot of unhealthy passive-aggressive and abusive behaviors. I am not angry at them, just choose to get on with it. Those who make negative, blaming comments don’t have a clue what goes on in any individual family, who was battered by the childrens’ father, who was a good parent, who was a mot so good parent. Discard those negative judgements, and get on with it. Make your arrangements for assistance. It’s what I’m being forced to do. Heck, I can’t even get a return text message, to even tell them I’m being scheduled for three joint replacements. Selfish? You bet. Self-absorbed- you bet. Inconsiderate- you bet. The adults we are are the adults we choose to be. It’s a cop-out for people who don’t know the kingdom of parent you were to make judgements. It’s actually very hateful. You can reach out, but don’t be surprised if your offspring won’t help you. I’ve asked and been turned down when I desperately needed physical help. But my sons never hesitate to ask for my help when they hit a bump in the road. I’m not bitter, just see them for the men they choose to be. So, right now I’m rounding up borrowed items for my joint replacement surgery, ordering in the various personal supplies and vitamins I’m going to need, making my appointments, getting my car repaired, caring for my own frail husband. His daughter is no better, totally selfish, self-absorbed. Do we owe them anything? I don’t believe so. Do we wish to give them anything in life or if there’s anything left when we die? It’s a personal choice. They feel no obligation, I do not feel any obligation anymore. I gave them my best, they gladly received it. For decades. Just get on with it. Resources are slim here, not high earners. Life is tough. It’s getting tougher. I’m making wonderful lemonade.

Your daughters sound very selfish and I am sorry that you are going through this time alone. I do not know their side of the story of course, however, in general most adult sons and daughters do normally care for their parents in their older years JUST AS THEY WERE CARED FOR IN THEIR EARLIER YEARS. I think it is an absolute SHAME that our country does not seem to honor or value our elderly especially these days. I have a 96 year old Grandmother who is now wheelchair bound and I promised her to best of my ability I would not put her in a Nursing Home. She has been the rock of our family and has supported my Father and my 5 brothers in all of our endeavors throughout our lives and I honor her big time for that! I do all I can to provide the care she needs at this stage in her life. I feels as if I should do more for her! I do not want you to feel depressed that your daughters do not feel this way. I feel this way because of how I was raised and the way she invested in me as a child. She did more for me than my parents did. They were teenage parents that married at 17 and 18 against her advice...but she still stepped in and eventually took us and cared for us. She is a retired teacher and has been a true blessing to many! I would love to reciprocate as much as possible and that is what I have tried to do and will continue to do as long as I can. Now, my brothers are another story. I believe they love her but the amount of effort they put in to actually care for her is hit or miss...with the exception of one of them that lives with her. He use to do more for her but in the last two years he has done less and less and has become quite an issue for me to handle as well. Now, in regards to what you can do now. Come to terms with the fact that your daughters do not wish to be involved for whatever reasons they have. Think of why that may be. I still believe that despite emotions and feelings from the past, if they are at play, should not deter you from what you needs to be done now unless you just absolutely were not there for them or treated them horribly and THEY would probably feel justified in their actions towards you. This probably is not the case but we did not get that part in your question so I would say deal with the shock of a lot of these replies to you that are saying you should not expect help from your children which is think is ridiculous. If you cannot depend on your family which is supposed to be your support system that's rough. We are living in some perilous times as the Bible said we would. If I were you, I would put myself FIRST and make calls to 411 United Way for resources available to you as a start and grieve the disappointment you have for your daughters lack of support and make plans to spoil yourself in this time in your life. Make new friends, do new things, move on, love those who love you and detach from those who do not! It is difficult when you have been taught to love everyone and you still can. You just to prioritize how you will provide care for yourself from now on. Don't ask them for anything else. If and when you see them keep the good parts of the visits and let go of the not so pleasant parts. Never argue with them or guilt trip them it will only strain things between you all more. Try to empathize and see their side of things. If you have don a lot for them I know you are heart broken. If you have not been there for them emotionally as children try to do that now. If they are not receptive let it go. Pray and ask God to show you what to do. He will give you the answers you need...He has already started in these replies. May God Bless you and always provide for you. Take good care

If you can afford it, check out different home care agencies until you’re happy with the arrangements. If/when you hire an agency and a care giver starts working with you, remember, you’re a consumer not a victim. If you’re not comfortable with the first caregiver, get a new one and keep getting new ones until you feel comfortable. Do not let the agency talk you into doing what’s comfortable for them. Perhaps your daughters could make these arrangements for you. Even better, they can pay for a caregiver splitting the cost between them. I don’t know where you are but in my area a decent caregiver from a private agency starts at $20 per hour with a minimum of 8 to 12 hours a week. It’s a lot but well worth it if you and/or your daughters can swing it. Let your daughters know it’s agency caregivers or them.
Good luck! 🍀 T. Tredwell

I just spent that last 9 years caring for my Mom. 4 of those years involved providing round the clock care. I loved her dearly and miss her daily, however, I am also exceedingly relieved to get my life back, am planning on stepping down the antidepressants I needed to get through it, and eternally grateful to my spouse for his support as I was an absentee wife. Caring for your parents isn't quite what it used to be. I agree with those who suggest you make all the arrangement you can now to have care and services provided and to find avenues for your own fulfillment. As for your kids, we can't know why they aren't engaged but maybe they'll be more willing to spend time with you if they aren't afraid of literally losing their life to long term care giving. Maybe not. I hope they find a way to spend time with you one way or another. No matter how hard it was and what it cost, I will cherish the time I had with my Mom.

We live in a very sad sad world, it's every person for themself ... so many kids just don't care about their parents. I was not raised that way, I did a lot for my mom as she got older. If all 3 of your daughters each pitched in, it would be wonderful. While you can't expect your children to do everything, they should have a sense of responsibility to each do a little at least. Now that I am older and lonely, I see what my mom went through (my dad passed much earlier on from cancer). I have 2 sons, one has finally matured and will call once in a while, but the younger, well it's all about him. I just don't understand the mentality of today's young. I thought I was setting an example by everything I did for my mom, but apparently not. I agree w/ others, try to involve yourself with other groups, if you need assistance, see what's available in your area, but your daughters should care enough to step up to the plate and each take their turn. If they don't care enough to help their dear dad, then take them out of the will! Good luck to you sir ...

Contact a service like Visiting Angels. I have first-hand experience with them and it has been an awesome service. If you live in a house with a yard, hire a lawn service, plow service, ask your daughters to help you find an affordable and reliable handyman.

The concept of caring for our parents has changed dramatically from past generations for many reasons. Today, it needs to be an agreement with your children, not an expectation, assumption, wishful thinking or romanticized notion.

I don't know how old your daughters are or where they are with having children or careers. Today, many women work full time while they have kids still in school. I myself am 60, run a business full-time with my husband, help part-time to take care of my 9-yr old grandson (carpooling) when he and his dad live with us every other week; take my 90-yr old mother (who lives next door) to medical appointments, etc. -- and she is single and I'm an only child. I also manage the care of my MIL in a local nursing home, and am responsible for 2 spinster aunts ages 97 and 100 who live in their home out of state.

I have gotten over the guilt of not taking care of people in their homes, as much as they wanted that. I'm not obligated to care for my mother in my (or her) home as she sees what my life is like. I'm not responsible for her happiness, but I am concerned if she is happy or not. If you have financial means then you should pay to have repairs, cleaning, errands done by a service. This is part of what you saved retirement money for. Then your daughters will have more time to enjoy being with you and not spending their limited vacation days and energy doing work for you. This doesn't mean they don't love you, it's just today's reality, a mercy to them and your responsibility.

I am a 78 years old widow having been without a husband for 26 years, I was left with very little money and many bills to be paid. We had 2 failing businesses which I had to close down and find a job to replenish my money - this took be more that 10 years to do but I did it with the help of God. During this time one of daughters was struggling so she and her 4 children moved in with me - not to help but to get help. I have helped her off and on for many years but her children are now grown with children of their own so I hope she is now settled. My point is that mothers are always willing to help their children without question but when it comes time for their parents to need a little help these same children forget what has been done for them and doesn't even visit. I an in the end stages of COPD and the only thing I ask from my children is that perhaps a couple of times a year they get together and clean my house to get it back to a place where I can do a few things each week and to help me locate agencies to help me. I know they all have busy lives and don't expect them to be there for me very single day. I took care of my dad until the end of his life because he refused to go to a nursing home and he was also very rude to me and called me names. A few weeks before his death, I was admitted to the hospital and almost died so wasn't able to be with him for the 3 weeks before his death. He finally was admitted to the hospital. What I'm trying to say is that each situation is different and we can't judge each other for how we handle our lives. I do believe that is it OK for children to help as much as they can when they can. None of us had children for the sole purpose of taking care of us.

The original poster, tabouli10, has not been back since July 11th. Hope he is visiting with his daughters.

you need to hire Cargiver

Is your expectation that they will be on-demand helpers? Or that you now realize that you have grown apart and want to reconnect?

My brothers used to tell me that they avoided visiting our parents because all they did when they did visit was run errands and do repairs around the house. Same thing for me, too. You could never just sit and talk, there was always some chore to do.

So I would sit down and analyze what you want from the relationships with your daughters. If it is help, then look into a paid service to run errands and make repairs. Join San Francisco Village, an organization for older people that can help you find resources.

If your goal is to reconnect with your family, then make a date with each one separately and tell them that. Or write a letter. Schedule times or dates with each child on a regular basis to catch up, ask questions about their lives and families. Don’t make it about you! Maybe once or twice a year, away from holidays, have a family get-together so everyone can meet and visit.

I don't mean to sound rude... but are you getting lonely? If so (understandable, it's very common), maybe aiming for more family contact but also other avenues like new hobbies/new groups too.

With your daughters if you don't see them much, maybe try to get a little closer, say a lunch out for birthdays, a dinner here & there. Are there grandkids to connect with? If so, they will turn into drivers before long ;)

I also don't mean to be inappropriate, but a gentleman (80s) I met last week told me (with a wink) he was the most popular gent in his 'old age home' (asssisted living units). "Not many fellows who can still move around you see & I am the best dancer!"

My Dad is 76 & a quiet type - has 3 daughters also. (Assisted Living Bingo & Dances would NOT be his thing).

I used to think us 3 girls would all care for Dad. The current reality is #2 now disabled, #3 moved to country so that leaves #1 just me for Mum, Dad & Sister. Dad could NOT live in our tiny old place. And I will not leave my family to live with him (& arrange his teaspoons just so). So the best fitting AL it will have to be when the time comes.

Happy Birthday for your upcoming day! It would only be natural to wish your wife was here for it & some sadness your daughter's have not helped your more.

But going forward, what do you want your next ten years to look like?

You could put in place the ways you will care for your own self and well being going forward. Use your own funds to do this if you are able. Inform the 3 grown daughters if and when they ask.

I would use my own mental faculties and interview future living arrangements, use my own money and be an advocate for my own old age and health needs. Not relying on family, use pay services is how I would do it.

In today’s world family is not like it was in the past. You need to take care of yourself like you would maintain anything in life. Getting your own affairs in order while mentally able is the best.

You can pay people to take care of you. That is my own preference. I live in an idependant living place, which I pay for myself. I love it! Many people where I live pay aids to help them when needed. Most of the home aids are very nice. I plan to do the same when I need that. I can get a different person if they don't work out. I like my life this way. I don't miss my kids. So many old folks where I live want visits from children on holidays. Many bought an apartment with an extra bedroom so kids could have long visits. If the kids come they don't stay very long. They can't wait to leave. I can see that. I got a studio apartment, not expecting visitors. I will spend every last penny on myself if I have to and pay people to help me if I need that one day. I got myself a sweet little kitten, a rescue who needed a home and she is great company and fun and she likes living with me. I like my life now and I hope I can live independently for a long time but I am not afraid to have to hire someone to take care of me one day.

I find it interesting all of the resentment in some of the responses. Many years ago, I volunteered to be my mom and step dad’s everything, POA, healthcare POA, etc. before they even needed help I am the only girl with four brothers who asked why I wanted to do it and I said because I wanted to.
My step dad has passed and my mom recently broke her hip. I have made quite a few mistakes with my decisions but bottom line, my mom is doing really good. I am thrilled that she is still alive and although I am tired, I am still glad I volunteered. Once my mom is gone and I have retired, I plan on volunteering to help others like my mom navigate this complicated world of aging care.
I am a 41 year year career banker and knew nothing about this convoluted topic. I do not have children and I hope one day someone with a big heart will help me when I need it.

My single-parent husband was kind, generous, and indulgent to a fault, so it seemed unthinkable that his children would treat him with such indifference, despite protestations that they loved him. With sorrow for him, I came to realize that he had spoiled them. Without persistent values-based child-rearing, this was the result. Blaming him--or you--at this point, would be cruel.

You are not likely to get anymore out of them than you have been getting. It's possible you have presented yourself as quite independent all these years and needed little help, however your recent time of need kind of opened the door that indicated you needed some assistance. Is there any possibility you really didn't ask them for any help...perhaps hoped they would offer without you asking? You are not clear about if they have specifically said they will not be caretakers. Or maybe they suggested that when you can no longer care for yourself, you need to find a facility for extra care.

Did these children see you care for elderly parents or relatives while they were growing up? Or, did they see your elderly relatives moved to facilities when they could no longer care for themselves? Sometimes that can have something to do with how the next generation manages elderly relatives.

If they point blank said they cannot do more for you or give you extra care as you age, then at least you know what you are dealing with while you are still of sound mind. If that's what happened, get your ducks in a row. Use whatever income and monies you have available to take care of yourself. If taking care of a home (inside and outside) is no longer manageable, start looking at assisted living housing that will better suit your needs. Visit a few to find one that has other people you would feel comfortable having as neighbors - similar likes, activities. You can keep your car (if you still drive). Just think of it as a home you no longer have to do the upkeep on PLUS there are staff there to help you out when you need a little help.

If you're goal was to provide a generous money windfall for the children, change your goal. Whatever you have asset-wise needs to be used to be comfortable and happy as you age. If you spend it all up - so be it. Continuing to be concerned about what you leave to your children will be to the detriment of your own well being. The relationship with them will probably remain about what it is today...UNLESS...they expected to inherit without lifting a finger to help. Of course, if they are simply greedy, uncaring children - you're going to find that out right away when you start spending the money on yourself.

This really isn't about them - good or bad. It's about the decisions you are going to make for yourself and what care you believe you deserve.

I was my husband's caregiver for 10 years without help from his adult children. I got in-home help, gradually increasing the amount to 24/7 in the last 6 months. I reminded them to come see him. The biggest challenge I had was letting go of my outrage over the injustice and resentment I felt for their ingratitude, since he had been a single parent to them. I worked on diminishing my expectations to nothing.

I get it. I have made a tremendous effort to stay engaged with my family without any expectation of reciprocation in kind. That being said, a phone call or a note more than once a year on my birthday would be nice!

I look back to my own 30s and 40s, and realize I wasn't a whole lot different. Somehow there always seemed to be something I "had" to do. Now I wish I knew then what I know now.

Well, time and experience are the great teachers.