They are concerned that when I become in need they will be called upon to help. They are not so inclined to be available. Recently I have needed surgery that limited me temporarily but have brought to the surface expectations on their part for the future.
Once I am able and independent as before, what arrangements should be made to engage them without requiring their help?
Their philosophy in supporting an aging parent is quite different from mine.
It is your responsibility to plan for your future, without expecting your daughters to provide your care.
Downsize and declutter, you home.
You need to make sure you are living within walking distance or the services you may need, or be prepared to pay for a ride.
Arrange for delivery services of food, medication etc.
My former mil was resistant to shopping delivery, but I flat out refused to take her shopping after she would tell me 'no I do not need anything', then the next day her neighbour calling me to complain that he had to buy her milk and bread and asking why I was not taking her shopping. I told her either she called her sons or signed up for delivery. It took a while, but she has had grocery delivery for 10 years now and loves it.
If you do not cook, arrange for Meals on Wheels or another food delivery service.
How do you engage with them?
Take them out for dinner or lunch.
Get involved in your grandchildren's activities.
Don't spend the time you are together moaning and complaining about what you can or cannot do.
Let them know what you are doing to make it easier for you and them in the future.
Get your paper work in order, Will, POA, Health Care etc.
Ask them how you can help them out?
And yes, I have my paperwork in order, I live near the resources I will need in the future, I am in the process of decluttering, I will modify my home in 10 years to have a fully accessible suite and a rental unit to provide some income, or living space for line in caregivers.
I do not expect my kids to be my caregivers.
I do not, and will not expect my kids to do a single thing for me. If they actually offer (and they have) to do a specific job, such as running me to the clinic when I know I will be too sleepy to drive home..I will accept, but I don't expect that every single time I sneeze.
I have friends, I know how to get an Uber, I can clean and cook and take care of myself. I have a good neighborhood support system. I DO NOT want my kids (daughters and/or son) seeing my number on their phone and screen me and not answer b/c they are tired of fussing me.
Maybe it's time for you to declutter, downsize and maybe move into a Srs only apartment or assisted living with an apartment and full dining amenities and activities. This way, your daughters will be more likely to step up on the RARE occasion that you'd really need them.
You're young to be needing a lot of help---is this surgery just a one time thing and you'll return to full function? If so (and I hope it is)...treat your daughters as adults and friends and NOT as caregivers. PAY people to do things for you, if possible, before you go to family, b/c it sounds like your daughters are not the kind to quickly step up to help. If they were, they would have after your procedure and you sound like you were flying solo.
BTW, do you have SONS? What would you expect of them?
As a daughter who has been nonstop CG for aging parents for the last 22 years, I wish my mother (esp) would quit treating me like a go-fer. I truly resent her at times. I would like to just be her daughter, not her therapist and problem solver.
I don't mean to come off 'hot', but this is a hot topic with a LOT of us.
I look back to my own 30s and 40s, and realize I wasn't a whole lot different. Somehow there always seemed to be something I "had" to do. Now I wish I knew then what I know now.
Well, time and experience are the great teachers.
Be cautious with your POA decision that might give financial authority to family members who might be very uninterested in the quality of your care when you are in need. Family members who feel no obligation to help an aging parent often have a strange sense of entitlement to the aging parents assets.
Very well said.
My step dad has passed and my mom recently broke her hip. I have made quite a few mistakes with my decisions but bottom line, my mom is doing really good. I am thrilled that she is still alive and although I am tired, I am still glad I volunteered. Once my mom is gone and I have retired, I plan on volunteering to help others like my mom navigate this complicated world of aging care.
I am a 41 year year career banker and knew nothing about this convoluted topic. I do not have children and I hope one day someone with a big heart will help me when I need it.
Did these children see you care for elderly parents or relatives while they were growing up? Or, did they see your elderly relatives moved to facilities when they could no longer care for themselves? Sometimes that can have something to do with how the next generation manages elderly relatives.
If they point blank said they cannot do more for you or give you extra care as you age, then at least you know what you are dealing with while you are still of sound mind. If that's what happened, get your ducks in a row. Use whatever income and monies you have available to take care of yourself. If taking care of a home (inside and outside) is no longer manageable, start looking at assisted living housing that will better suit your needs. Visit a few to find one that has other people you would feel comfortable having as neighbors - similar likes, activities. You can keep your car (if you still drive). Just think of it as a home you no longer have to do the upkeep on PLUS there are staff there to help you out when you need a little help.
If you're goal was to provide a generous money windfall for the children, change your goal. Whatever you have asset-wise needs to be used to be comfortable and happy as you age. If you spend it all up - so be it. Continuing to be concerned about what you leave to your children will be to the detriment of your own well being. The relationship with them will probably remain about what it is today...UNLESS...they expected to inherit without lifting a finger to help. Of course, if they are simply greedy, uncaring children - you're going to find that out right away when you start spending the money on yourself.
This really isn't about them - good or bad. It's about the decisions you are going to make for yourself and what care you believe you deserve.