I am a widower. My wife died 10 years ago. I have 3 grown daughters who are not so inclined to be available. Any advice?

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I am a widower. My wife died 10 years ago. I have 3 grown daughters who are not so inclined to be available. Any advice?

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Many thoughtful responses here. It broadens one’s perspective, for sure,

It is an amazing thing, yes, when our adult offspring achieve full independence! I think we sometimes forget the wonderful Forest our trees have become into.

I know many caregivers here are exasperated with parents whose focus becomes narrower and narrower over time, as is often the case when there’s little else in life, other than their aches and pains, financial worries, household repairs needing attention. It is drudgery to tend to it for ourselves and for parents’ life support as well.

I would be remiss if I did not clarify, the ‘jump now’ behavior has never been our way here. What parent wouldn’t be sad when all the adult offspring have never, ever, been available to so much as hang a picture on the wall during a visit - that is funded by their parents’ payment of airfare, pet sitter, rental car, whatever it took to get them to the parents’ location. I’ve never had a leaky faucet repaired, an oil change on a car, none of the things we are now unable to do. Nor do we ask. They have all made it perfectly clear that they don’t intend to ever do anything or assist, even if parents should be in dire circumstances. While we applaud their adult independence, we suffered horribly on a couple occasions during severe illness, hospitalization, surgeries. Begged for help. They refused. Twice in several decades. So, please do not think that one’s own demanding or inconsiderate parents is the way all seniors are. Visits funded by grandparents aren’t even our issue. If they didn’t want to see us they wouldn’t take us up on funding the cost of their travel. It’s the turning their backs on a mother seriously touch and go, waiting for emergency surgery, in the hospital, when the nurse places a call, and they still aren’t interested, that’s hurtful.

As I stated. We now choose to get on with it. Just knowing where we stand, we can make our own arrangements. When we can no longer manage, we will just deal with it. I will say, I probably won’t even call certain persons, when a severe medical crisis occurs, or a death, in the future. It’s been made perfectly clear we are only useful for what we give. Not bitter. Just now our eyes are wide open.

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Totally understand where you are coming from - the only aspect I would add is that I think the elderly generation (us) may be surprised at how little the next one cares about what we can give. In many cases generations are more affluent as time passes and any idea of what we might leave them is of no interest to them - they want to do for themselves and are probably doing far better than a share of anything we have left. I am in 60s looking after 90 year old mother - there is nothing she can leave that is of interest to me, and my children being in the 30's there is nothing I can leave that will be of interest to them - the only reason to manage what we leave is to avoid the Gov getting it in taxes, if I told them the whole lot was going to charity they would probably be fine with it.

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My suggestion however may sound harsh is to seek out living arrangements which better suit you receive care or are sent to hospitals when necessary either by outside services or senior living facilities. I have 2 sons, both with huge responsibilities in their lives and their own health issues. Although, they do care and come by it is not the same world now as when I was growing up. Family is family, however, their lives cannot revolve around me. I need to be proactive and have a plan. I also think if there is no medical or financial POA in place, you give a hard look at if you would want any of your daughters in the position. The law in most states does not say you must choose your children. If one is listed, revisit and change if you feel you will not be serviced as you may need. You are in a position to get everything done now before you need. It is difficult to understand, but each of us has our own lives and no matter what we feel, someone else does not necessarily have the same opinion. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

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This kind of thing always bothers me. I can't imagine a family that "has no time" for their seniors. How the heck were they brought up?! I can understand if long term in depth caregiving can be too much, but at least some attempt should be made. Why the heck bother to have children otherwise? When I was growing up, after my maternal grandmother died, my maternal grandfather, who was deaf and blind, came to live with us and I can't imagine anything else. Years later, we occasionally had more than one grandparent living with us.

I think you should not count on those "children" for anything and instead see to setting things up for your own comfort and convenience. And your own fun. And don't send presents!

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Ate you saying the point of having children is to have someone to take care of you in old age?

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One thing to remember is that the 30s are some of the busiest times in most people’s lives. There are young children, a career that needs a lot of attention, and a busy social life. Their attention is not usually on parents aged about 60 who have always been able to look after themselves. OP is doing exactly the right things in sorting out his own life – he shouldn’t be looking for much support at that age. Things may change later, but our posters are usually quite clear that taking on major support for a relatively young parent is a disaster. However for a parent whose own life has contracted, who has a sudden problem, and whose major interest has been their children, it’s hard to accept. OP Tabouli is a family hero for doing the right thing!

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I was thinking some more about my own mother at about that age when she could still drive but had the results of a stroke. She used to come to my house on Saturday mid-morning when I was doing the washing, and sit and tell me how to hang it up properly (sort of a joke). This was company without taking up much of my precious weekend. Then we would sit and have lunch with the children (while she told me how to bring them up properly). We both enjoyed a spread of cheeses and continental sausage, and we would both contribute to a most enjoyable lunch, then go about our businesses for the afternoon. It worked well for both of us, and my children still remember Grandma and those lunches. Could you develop a habit like this?

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Happy birthday, Tabouli! And many, many more! I have not read through all of the replies so bear with me, please. 😛

Your daughters have made it clear, for now anyway, that it’s up to you to plan for your later years. So do that. They might change their minds, but I wouldn’t count on it. There is nothing wrong with preparing for every contingency you can.

I never had kids, so I’m “it” as far as planning for my later years goes. It’s daunting, so I’m seeing a lawyer.

I’m sorry your daughters have disappointed you. But it’s better to find out now than when you really do need help on a regular basis. I’m going to see an elder law attorney in a couple of weeks, and maybe you could consider doing the same thing.

I wish you a very speedy recovery, and a long, happy and healthy life.

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I am a widower. My wife died 10 years ago. I have 3 grown daughters who are not so inclined to be available. Any advice?

66 Answers

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