Hello everyone,
I’ve lost sleep thinking about this. We are a young couple ready to purchase our first home. During the process of buying a house, my husband found out his mother’s significant other is sick and there is a possibility he will pass away soon. He then told me she would have to move in with us. I’ve managed throughout the years to avoid her. Some background, they grew up very poor. Living in deplorable conditions. She’s messy, has bad hygiene, smokes weed all day, just sits on the couch. Her SO has been the one to support her all these years. In the nicest way possible, she’s just not my cup of tea. My husband, I feel is the golden child. I believe he feels guilty living how he does now compared to how his mom is living. He’s got some deep rooted feelings of taking care of her. If she moves in with us, she will not work and we will have to support her financially. My husband claims it’s because of her legal status and the fact that she’s in her late 60’s. She has been deemed by him too old to work. We aren’t on speaking terms right now. I told him I didn’t want to buy with him until we can figure out another resolution with his mom. I believe if I don’t agree to this it will end up in divorce. Any advice? I feel very defeated right now.
He can live with you or your mom. Not both.
If she moves in, you move out.
Your husband protects his drug addict mother because he sees her as helpless and dependent and he has to rescue her.
I see those as two different paths.
Wish I had that option with my mother. Unfortunately her people came over on the Mayflower.
He's set on taking over her care, That's his prerogative. He can and should if he wants to or else his conscience will eat at him. There's a grezt chance that he will regret his decision, but he has to go down this road in order to realize it. However, he does not have the right to force you to go along. This is where you part ways and wish him a good life with his terrible mother.
Parents. They can ruin their children's lives when the kids are young, and when they are adults. Wouldn't it be great if we could choose our parents?
Husband needs to decide if he is a married man or a dutiful little mommy's boy.
I would divorce my husband before I was subjected to having this in my home. But, it is up to you to decide if being with him is more important then your own well-being.
You mention her "legal status". What do you mean by "legal status"? If she is illegally squatting in the United States, one phone call to ICE will solve that problem. If she has family in a different country they should be contacted. Buy her a plane ticket. Do not stay with your husband if he plans of financially supporting his mother. Who pays for her weed? Maybe they can buy her a plane ticket back home.
Under no circumstances and for no reason should you buy a home until your MIL is permanently living somewhere. Do not buy a place. If your husband insists that his mother will be living with the two of you, then see a lawyer. Do not take her in.
What your DH needs to realize is that once he married, his wife and children become #1. His mother is in the position she is because she didn't do something about her status years ago. She may have been able to stay here by applying for residency. She chose to let men support her. I doubt she would have been sent back to a country she had never really lived in.
"She’s messy, has bad hygiene, smokes weed all day, just sits on the couch." Does he expect you to care for her? Does he really want his child exposed to this? If she lived with me, she would not be sitting around doing nothing all day. Even in her 60s there are jobs out there that may pay under the table. And d**n if I would pay for her weed. I may house her and feed her but she would need to make her own money for her toiletries, clothing and medical. Was she married to SO. If so, she maybe entitled to his Social Security. Not sure if she would need a green card to collect. There are Mexican citizens that work in the US but go home to Mexico after work. They are entitled to the SS they paid into.
Your MIL is in a pickle and it should not be up to you to get her out. You could be caring for her for the next 30 yrs or more. DH needs to look ahead. You may want to make it clear that you will not be her caregiver at any time of her life. Nor will she be allowed to stink up UR house with BO and weed. And it is UR house not hers. Maybe find a place with a garage apt and put her there.
Because it seems Mom maybe considered an illegal she really has no options. If she has never paid into SS she can't get it or Medicare. You husband is between a rock and a hard place here. Again, Mom may need an immigration lawyer.
You need a greencard or some other form of legal status to collect anything.
No one can collect Social Security from a person they were not legally married to. It does not work like that. Shacking up with some dupe who pays for you is not recognized as being married by the American government. Nor should it ever be.
I hope the OP and her husband will contact whatever family resides in the old country and see if they will take her. If they won't then mom will just have to find herself another "significant other" aka meal-ticket to keep her up.
Bravo for being young and strong. Here are the possible outcomes:
--You two divorce because he chooses his mother over you and because you don't do what he wants.
--You live in misery with his horrible mother because he chooses her happiness over yours and because you went along with what he wanted.
--Your finances are now tied down to the new house because you went along with what he wanted and went against what your intelligent head told you not to do.
--You're stuck living in a house that doesn't feel like a home to which you don't want to go back at the end of the day.
--You now hate his mother and resent your husband, but most of all, you regret buying a house with him and letting his mother move in.
--You now consider getting divorced and think how expensive the lawyer's fees might be, and how expensive it would be to sell the house and split the money, and other assets.
--You are once again single, but divorced with a deep scar in your heart. You have lost a big chunk of money both on lawyers and the house. You wonder how to start a new life.
--Or maybe your husband wises up and chooses his marriage and his wife over his horrid mother. Perhaps, a couple counseling might help. You two can stand strong and look for ways to help his mother without ruining your marriage.
Is smoking weed considered the same as smoking cigarettes? People have had their children taken from their custody for smoking tobacco cigarettes in their homes and cars.
I have a rule about weed and weed smokers. I don't care what adults smoke or don't smoke. Anyone who lives in my house knows that if I ever smell it on my property, they will find their property thrown out on the curb. Bye-bye. I won't have recreational drug use in my home or on my property.
If a student comes in with a backpack, or clothing that stinks like weed, I would have to report it.
Social Services would be out there in a flash, and you do not want to have to deal with the ramifications of THAT.
Plus, your child might indeed share details of your home life with his/her teachers, along with other children. It will be a MESS.
If MIL buys weed, that means that her dealer, along with like-minded people could start showing up in your home. This could lead to all sorts of danger.
PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD.