I have been caring for husband for many years and its getting difficult. Now he wants to give other relatives cash?

again, don't know exactly how things work there in the UK, but here there are 2 different routes; well, in one sense, 3, but with one of them, they - or, technically, he, but some of it does help her as well, or at least him getting it helps her - are getting care every day now for I think maybe 4-5 hrs.

actually 4 - we've contacted Adult Social Services and they called recently and said they could provide - though not sure they can on top of the other route that's now already giving them the every day 4-5 hr. help, especially since I think they said they could pay for only 20 hrs./mo. but otoh, they said they could only do that if they were already getting help like they're getting now, which they weren't at the time, but also I think that was only if they were paying for it, which they're not; is that like this Citizens Advisory Board you're talking about, do you think?

countrymouse, is it actually a primary caregiver's duty to see that the person they're taking care of has a will? because neither of them, certainly not him, do, and she's been wanting that to be taken care of, though it somewhat seems at this point as if there's not much left to will, although I think she may be more concerned at this point about what's left after they're both gone, but she's only talked about the lawyer they have somewhat through Adult Social Services - which is that a term you use over there? - that I don't think will come to the house, she talked about that back when they could still have gone, but I think that was before she'd begun to realize how little apparently he wanted her to have to do with anything and how much he was already turning over to this other person, so, who knows, maybe he does have one that she doesn't know about.

they did refer us to a very knowledgeable private elder attorney but we didn't talk to him about coming to the house; at the time I think she wanted to talk to him herself, privately, about her concerns about her financial situation when he's gone, like we're talking about here, but at the time things had gotten to the point she didn't feel she could leave him to be able to do that; that was before she/he/they'd started getting this more help and that's just been recently and she hasn't said anything about it now since; she seemingly has just found out about some of this other situation as well herself

debdaughter - What a difficult and complicated time you and your family have had! It was interesting and helpful to hear about your experiences. I think the government ( local government here) funds care only when you have very little left! Probably the same over there by the sound of it. I really need to take charge of the finance . I dont want to give anyone who is not working for me £6K for each niece) which is quite a lot of our savings. Hubby has not mentioned this again (yet ) after I went nuclear the other day .
Now I thought I would mention I just went to local store ( for my " vacation"!) and my purse was snatched from the trolley. As if I needed any more stress! My friendly store let me have the groceries free and one of the assistants ran me to the local bank who were useless! No staff and everyone waiting in a long line. In the end I raced home to get the bank`s stolen card number. So watch out everyone - you can be a target especially if you look distracted which I am sure I do. Not just in the city, I live near a small town.

Oh no! - that's all you need. I hope whatever lowlife lifted your purse finds out just who he took it from and feels appalling about it. Does the shop have any cctv?

Yes Countrymouse the place has CCTV and they are going to look through it.
Thanks for the sympathy! Now I am going to be ultra cautious even when
going round my friendly local store .

oh, Rosmarin, so so sorry - it's a good idea to keep those numbers with you - but then if they took your whole purse, guess wouldn't help, unless maybe keep them in your vehicle, if you had driven; is a trolley like our "buggys"? they're advising us here to strap them through the handles - like we really do it, though, but maybe we should - but understand about the whole being distracted thing; the evening before I was leaving to go with my granddaughter out of state - several states away, flying - to the hospital - I dropped my bag or something, anyway wound up losing my bank card, with no time to do anything about it, so just had to be up there without it; thankfully, there was a national chain drugstore in the hospital I could write checks to, but no getting any cash, so just had to make do with what they sold.
Glad your husband hasn't said anything more about any of this; again, maybe interesting isn't the word but would be if the nieces would help; that was supposed to be the original plan with hub's aunt and uncle but somehow just never quite works out so maybe what's happening now is, but it's not what aunt, at least, wanted, at least not for herself; unc doesn't care and this has just depressed aunt. When you say take charge of the finances, what exactly do you mean? you already said you've hidden the checkbook, right? Was it today - maybe not, if you got out - that you were supposed to talk to those people? did we figure out if it's the same; anyway, the one program not really sure how income wise it is, but the other one has a triple limit than the usual one for income but even at that, yes, they're over the limit; is that what you mean or is it an asset thing? which, if they and/or you are talking about the typical, yes, they're still over that as well, but not sure; it gets so much more complicated if you're talking about a couple, like both you and them, than an individual. I'm glad what I said was helpful; this morning was quite stressful and I tend to do that when I am; are you wanting to use the money he was wanting to give away for care? seems I got that idea; wish they would; something I've not been able to either get across or understand; there always seems to be something else they - even her, but she always says it's him - need to use it for; we were getting quite concerned about both their cares and I somewhat still am. Not sure if interesting is the word here, either, but that difficult and complicated time is just related to the elder issues and that's not even what I was stressed out about this morning to begin with, and certainly then not what happened in the middle of all this or after that, but does have to do with dad dying and what they talk about the vultures sweeping in after that; wonder if those nieces will or maybe not if you actually give them something.
I'm glad you're able to still get out and have your little "vacation"; I think that would help aunt so much if she would; just don't understand what's going on now that they have the more help.
And hope the places CCTV was on; know when was involved in a similar situation found out they have them almost more just for show; at least they said they're either not on or they don't have actual tapes in them - goodness, then, what good do they do?

If he is of a sane mind, not much. It is his money to do with as he pleases.

I am in a similar situation. My husband has his checking acct and I have debit card in my name to use against this acct but it isn't joint. He has some issues going on that keep me guessing as to whether it is dementia or personality. I have had access to his acct because he was and has been party carefree about over extending himself financially. I finallly got things settled down and no more late fees coming in etc. Anyway the other day he locked me out of the acct. He eventually put me back on so I can keep on top of finances. Right now I am making less than $600 a month on SS. I guess what I am wondering is does he have any additional legal recourse against me if I make withdrawals against his acct that I am only authorized to use but not a joint acct? If I am only authorized to use his acct and he becomes overdrawn etc, would I be held equally responsible to cover any loss because we are married even though not joint acct holders? Am I making any sense? His financial irresponsibility terrifies me. He talks about leaving money to his young grandsons, a thoughtful jesture, but their parents have more money than they know what to do with, live far away and his daughter maybe calls on Father's Day for 5 min. It is beyond frustrating to hear him take offense w me for using "his" money for costs for me to attend my mother's funeral. And believe me it was a low key deal. Gas money and pizza! I feel like his unpaid help who over stepped my bounds. Additionally "our" house is only in his name and his daughter is on his will. He is definitely someone who has always been in control of things and is having to relinquish some of that autonomy. But it is going to be me who bears the repercussions. Maybe I just needed to rant and there aren't any real answers.

hm, Sophie, interesting, not sure I knew you could be an authorized user with a debit card on someone else's checking account; I just found out - I think, or at least I didn't remember - that I am one of one or 2 - yes, he has more - of hub's credit card accounts, not that it does me any good to find it out now, since they're maxed out, which is actually how I found out, when they got past due and they started calling me and they could tell me since I was an authorized user, but not on his checking, which is our main one; he transfers about what you get into "mine", which is actually "our" joint one, so here lately he's been going back in and taking it back out to cover these overages, etc. on his credit cards. I knew this was coming; he finally reached the point he couldn't get another credit card to cover the payments on the ones he already had. Now he's somewhat getting upset because a lot of these was from giving money to - yes, somewhat different I'm getting the idea from your situation - "our" son, who - and how many times have we been through this - was supposed to give it back when he got his big tax refund, which he only partially got from claiming his sister-in-law and her baby, who stayed with them a little while last year, but thought she was going to get the money - and might have had she continued to stay with them, but the otoh, think that's why she left, when they started saying they weren't, they were reimbursing themselves for the support they'd given her, which is really how it's supposed to work - but it doesn't look like it's working that anyway - again - but especially when he's using it to buy a new vehicle, another whole situation. I'm sorry about you losing your mother - but did you happen to get anything from her? I lost my dad a couple years ago and was already there since had gone up there when he'd gone in the hospital before he passed, didn't get too much grief then for the expenses; did your husband not go to her funeral with you? mine did come up later and we were provided a meal by his church, and actually didn't hear too much till later when some things happened with son's job, but that wasn't even till after we actually made another trip - together - to his cousin's funeral - but I did begin to get that that it's "his" money thing, too. I somewhat feel the same way, especially as it's now beginning to catch up with us, but was just saying that I did get some from dad; however, only because of something I'd done for him to get him out of a situation he'd gotten himself into, which I actually was only able to do because of something someone else did for me, which turned out in doing they actually did something to someone else that's now giving them problems, which are also coming to a head the end of the month so......I've heard so much of these situations of - I'm assuming - 2nd marriages, where the one spouse - or maybe both - already has a house and the other one just moves in with them - did you have one of your own as well? and they're not put on; we're actually concerned about hub's mother's situation along those lines as well, although, in one sense, she does still have her own house she was living in before, although - or maybe good thing - it's been placed in a life estate with ownership to her daughter; we do know new hub has given some of his land, at least, just not sure about the house they live in, to his grandson - well, even he's a step one belonged to his first wife. I'm assuming he's not making - or at least hasn't made - you POA?

Hi SophieBird - Your situation sounds even more complicated than mine although my husband was pretty hopeless with money throughout our marriage. I am trying to keep his relatives away and considering putting money in our current ac in to another account gradually just for me to pay for care disability aids etc. When I had my cards stolen this week the bank asked me to ask him to confirm that he was the main ac holder . I wish I knew how to get control as he seems to have some resentment towards me. Always saying how hopeless I am ! I am doing everything for his personal care house and garden all the paperwork etc etc. He says one minute he is thankful for all I am doing the next minute " you never concentrate - your mother said the same"!
You do need to rant Sophie but find out also what can be done for you to get more control. I am sure others on this site will know what is possible over there in the USA. Hope you get some helpful answers. You are being treated so unfairly like you say unpaid help. Will you have any rights over the house when he dies? Perhaps to stay there during your lifetime.

Ladys, Please open your own accounts now, in your name only. Auto deposit your social security into that. Don't spend it.
That seems to be how your husbands treat you, his money is his. Why would you GIVE him yours?
Separate from him financially. Build your own credit, now. Protect yourselves!

Thank you for the responses. Life does get tricky doesn't it. Just to fill in some gaps, I do have my SS check deposited into my own account. Which, when he gets snarky accuses me of having access to my account and he isn't on it. I pay my car insurance and car payment out of this as well as other things which leaves me with next to nothing were I to try to get by on that. I do have a retirement fund but that isn't going to get me too far if I dip into it right away. Besides I could be working if I wasn't doing round the clock care because he can't be trusted to not get himself into a situation. He didn't attend the funeral as he has pulled so many outrageous behaviors over the years (been together for ten yrs) that my sister wouldn't allow it, and honestly I was just as relieved. She thinks all his problems are personality but I am sure there is a dementia component, plus he has burned every bridge and has no one left to care unless he pays them basically. I'm frugal but he doesn't want for anything. Heck he opened an Amazon acct and charged $900 worth of stuff including 13 harmonicas and he doesn't even play. Then accuses me of being a control freak. I won't go into the vehicle purchases which I have now had to get involved with the selling of. But he isn't all bad, of course, just impulsive and I always find out after the fact. He is much easier to care for with less autonomy. And keeping the car keys away is another fun game. I tell him that as soon as he gets a note from his doctor saying he can drive, I'll be happy to turn them over. That always works till the next time. He is in rehab for the next two glorious weeks, so limiting my visits changed his tune a bit and I have access to the accounts again for the moment. He accuses me of biting the hand that feeds me. Projection much? I am looking into getting more legal control of the situation too. I do have a condo that my daughter lives in that I put in a living trust just before hubs and I got legally married. We have been together ten years but I was always concerned about his spend thrift ways. We made things legal about a year ago in part so he couldn't toss me to the curb on a whim if he thought some scammer was madly in love with him. Think Russian brides. I'd better stop here, my life is so complicated!