I am so freaked out! My husband said this morning he wants to give his 2 nieces whom he hasnt seen for many years £6000 ($10000) each in cash! I said I will be on my own and may need that money - cant I give it to them in my will . He says NO and went on about how he took care of me in our marriage and took me overseas for years but that was his job. I have no family but you know how much everything costs these days. I am hurt and mad about this. They will only spend the money on vacations and hairdressers! What can I do?
There is the husband, a legal entity.
There is the wife, a legal entity.
Then there is the 50% legal entity of division of assets in a divorce.
There should be acknowledgement of the couple's assets and income.
I agree with helping your husband to draw up a will with an attorney.
You are married. Open your own account at another bank, and put 50% of the marital assets in there. imop.
Think about it. How could this get any worse? You are trying so hard, your husband is very ill. That loss is so hard on you already. Your efforts to help him should not be thwarted by his 'autonomy' as he clearly is not thinking of his and your future needs. At the very least, you should become his rep-payee to receive any social security funds to spend on his behalf.
I think it's also possible that he realizes he's dying and wants to reach out to long lost relatives; perhaps he feels some guilt in not maintaining relationships with them over the years.
However, I agree that he needs to provide for you first. And he definitely is not thinking clearly or reasonably.
I don't know if you could muster the courage to do this, but a good way to put this in perspective is to tell him that if he wants to give money to the nieces, you'll contact them, tell them his schedule and ask when they can be expected to come and take care of him, because you can't since you need to be looking for a job to support yourself after he's gone.
Despite the emotional pain you feel for his suffering, sometimes you do have to get tough to prevent someone from doing something irresponsible.
If he does have chemo brain, and although it will be unpleasant and you'll feel guilty, you might be able to have one of his doctors certify that the rads have affected his thinking so that you can use that statement to get control of his assets before they're frittered away.
I don't know what the procedure would be to do that in the UK.
OhJude, CountryMouse....any others here from the UK who can provide information on the issue of taking control of her husband's assets?
BTW, her post on the cancer issue is here:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/get-strong-to-cope-with-husbands-terminal-lung-cancer-195450.htm
It helps to know the anguish she's undergoing now.
Can I just allay some fears though. A joint account is not part of the estate of the deceased. The other account holder automatically becomes the owner of the funds in the account.
The bank will make an administrative change to remove the deceased's name from the account. It might do this by transferring the money to a new account but more likely they will just change the account name.
It is not the same as with a single account holder when they do freeze the account pending probate or other evidence of future ownership of the funds
Just for clarity and I AM SPECIFICALLY TALKING UK HERE
Joint accounts belong to both parties: the real disadvantage of them is that unless cosignators are arranged any one of the joint account holders can and very often has in the past withdrawn all the money.
Where CM was coming from is that in the UK if wifey took ALL the money and left him for whatever reason with nothing, the fact that he has a terminal illness could in theory, given his age be regarded as financial abuse. Our laws have stood us well over hundreds of years but somehow we never got to grips with banking laws!
It doesn't actually matter HOW irresponsible he is being if he has the money in the bank and wants it for his chimpanzee he can have as long as it is there. The money isn't hers either or rather it is all hers if she gets to it first and all his if he does! The only way she can stop it is to drain the account or request a change of mandate which would stop all spend on the account. If she TOLD the bank that her husband had mental disabilities the BANK will freeze the account (IN UK) to protect the vulnerable adult from financial abuse,
In any case, perhaps a nerve was touched because one of my sisters was on a joint account with my mom prior to her passing and she wiped the account of everything but $600. There was 5 figures in there, and as executor, there is nothing my other siblings and I can do about it, even the DAs office and elder abuse investigator said my sister did not break any laws. My mother had to absorb the fact that one of her 3 daughters took the majority of her money about 6 months before she died with me at home. My mothers money is gone, I have the bank statement with the date and time sis transferred all mom's money into her own private account. My point to the poster was that she needs to worry about herself, as caregiver first and not long lost relatives when the inevitable happens. The original poster sounded very, very concerned about finances, and again, here is the US, joint accounts are just that. However, I do believe that the caregiver in the UK should protect her assets and financial future. I am glad to read that she is getting UK legal advice to protect her future. If Rosmarins husband is making irresponsible decisions, I hope this can be stopped and rationalized since she is the one being hurt a bit by him giving money away. She is the caregiver and more importantly, a caring and devoted wife. We all know as caregivers that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of a loved one. I can imagine it must be difficult for her with the financial worries looming in back of her mind at the same time she is doing all medical, emotional, and psycological care. I wish rosmarin nothing but the best. Take care and god bless
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