Last year my husband suffered a stroke and lost more than 25% of his ft brain. He moved his mom in with us 5 years ago and not by my choice. We almost were divorced over it. We moved into another home for her and he worked like a dog to pay for everything. When his stroke hit we lost all our income and then just like that I was caring for him and FORCED to care for her. Changing 2 adult diapers. I was advised multiple times that I needed to call SS or call an ambulance to come get her. Finally one day realising I could no longer pay for food ( I can't work due to having to be home 24/7 ) Having my boy cry cause he was hungry that I just could no longer do this. She was sick and needed care and we called an ambulance. They wanted to send her home 3 days later and I removed myself from any correspondence regarding her. I have my husband talk to anyone and explain that I was NEVER her caregiver I only helped and that he could not take care of her and that his brother needed to step in, who is single no children and able. I AM SCARED out of my mind that something terrible is going to happen to us. That the hospital or SS will MAKE me take her back. I just can't! I have to get a job, she's not my mom. I have children. My husband will be going to a SNF soon for awhile while if not permanently. Do I have any responsibility to this woman according to the law?
Keep us updated -- we are all rooting for you!
Was your husband the POA? Is he currently mentally able? You may need an Elder Law Attorney visit to your home; he may need to resign his POA for his Mom. I am uncertain about all that, and all States vary, which is why professional advice, though costly, can be invaluable.
My heart aches for you. This is an almost impossible load to bear. I wish you and your hubby good luck, and hope that your MIL will find good placement and care as well. You have done your best. You are the second story on the threads today of a caregiver who has "gone down" under the burden of elder care, while the elder lives on. I am not saying that this caring brought on a stroke; that may have been in the cards in any case; but it is difficult for me to believe that this attempting care doesn't contribute to illness from constant stress.
Hugs. Take it one day at a time. I hope you will update us.
You should never go without food. There are food closets and Churches that could help with this. I suggest you go to your Social Service dept and see if there are resources available to you. Food stamps for one.
You do not say what your MIL's health status is, but if she too is in diapers, then no you cannot possible provide care to her too.
You need to repeat the phrase unsafe discharge. It is not safe as you do not have the capacity to look after two people and you have not one at home to provide care while you are working.
You cannot make your brother in law step up to the plate. YOu may have to turn her care over to the state guardian.
Did your dh had POA for his mother? If yes, what does it say about succession POA?
A person who has no immediate family, or doesn't trust any family to take on this role can assign anyone, such as an atty, to become their POA. I seriously doubt ANYONE would agree to taking on the POA role if it meant taking full care of that person.
It would be good if someone else can step into that role for the husband, but it won't resolve the care issue, unless that person, in this case the BIL, would take on the care role.
No details, but if the MIL has no assets and only limited income, if there is no family member willing to take on the POA role and take on her care, having the state take guardianship sounds like the only option. Even if she has assets, the state can take all of it, apply it to her care and assume all responsibility.
First of all let me say how sorry that I am about your husband’s stroke. My father had a stroke and he was in a skilled nursing facility for rehabilitation. It really is the best place that your husband can be right now after his stroke.
You have made the right decision regarding your husband. Your priority now lies with your children, not your mother in law and you have stated that you intend on assuming responsibility for your family. I don’t see any other option. You wouldn’t be able to care for a mother in law even if you desired to.
Make whatever arrangements that you need to regarding your mother in law. Do reach out and ask for help from your brother in law but don’t depend on him if he resist helping. Go forth and make the necessary arrangements for her to be cared for. Contact a social worker for guidance. Speak to her doctor for suggestions.
I am not a lawyer but I don’t see how you can be forced to care for her.
I sincerely hope that you can find a viable solution as soon as possible and most of all I hope that your husband will do as well as possible in rehab.
Since you did not agree to your mother in law living in your home make it clear to whomever you speak to about her care that her placement is permanent.
It does sound like you absolutely know your desires and limitations and there is no second guessing involved. This is good that there isn’t any confusion.
If your children are close to their grandmother you can certainly take them to visit her.
Best wishes to you and your family.