Last year my husband suffered a stroke and lost more than 25% of his ft brain. He moved his mom in with us 5 years ago and not by my choice. We almost were divorced over it. We moved into another home for her and he worked like a dog to pay for everything. When his stroke hit we lost all our income and then just like that I was caring for him and FORCED to care for her. Changing 2 adult diapers. I was advised multiple times that I needed to call SS or call an ambulance to come get her. Finally one day realising I could no longer pay for food ( I can't work due to having to be home 24/7 ) Having my boy cry cause he was hungry that I just could no longer do this. She was sick and needed care and we called an ambulance. They wanted to send her home 3 days later and I removed myself from any correspondence regarding her. I have my husband talk to anyone and explain that I was NEVER her caregiver I only helped and that he could not take care of her and that his brother needed to step in, who is single no children and able. I AM SCARED out of my mind that something terrible is going to happen to us. That the hospital or SS will MAKE me take her back. I just can't! I have to get a job, she's not my mom. I have children. My husband will be going to a SNF soon for awhile while if not permanently. Do I have any responsibility to this woman according to the law?
First of all let me say how sorry that I am about your husband’s stroke. My father had a stroke and he was in a skilled nursing facility for rehabilitation. It really is the best place that your husband can be right now after his stroke.
You have made the right decision regarding your husband. Your priority now lies with your children, not your mother in law and you have stated that you intend on assuming responsibility for your family. I don’t see any other option. You wouldn’t be able to care for a mother in law even if you desired to.
Make whatever arrangements that you need to regarding your mother in law. Do reach out and ask for help from your brother in law but don’t depend on him if he resist helping. Go forth and make the necessary arrangements for her to be cared for. Contact a social worker for guidance. Speak to her doctor for suggestions.
I am not a lawyer but I don’t see how you can be forced to care for her.
I sincerely hope that you can find a viable solution as soon as possible and most of all I hope that your husband will do as well as possible in rehab.
Since you did not agree to your mother in law living in your home make it clear to whomever you speak to about her care that her placement is permanent.
It does sound like you absolutely know your desires and limitations and there is no second guessing involved. This is good that there isn’t any confusion.
If your children are close to their grandmother you can certainly take them to visit her.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You do not say what your MIL's health status is, but if she too is in diapers, then no you cannot possible provide care to her too.
You need to repeat the phrase unsafe discharge. It is not safe as you do not have the capacity to look after two people and you have not one at home to provide care while you are working.
You cannot make your brother in law step up to the plate. YOu may have to turn her care over to the state guardian.
Did your dh had POA for his mother? If yes, what does it say about succession POA?
A person who has no immediate family, or doesn't trust any family to take on this role can assign anyone, such as an atty, to become their POA. I seriously doubt ANYONE would agree to taking on the POA role if it meant taking full care of that person.
It would be good if someone else can step into that role for the husband, but it won't resolve the care issue, unless that person, in this case the BIL, would take on the care role.
No details, but if the MIL has no assets and only limited income, if there is no family member willing to take on the POA role and take on her care, having the state take guardianship sounds like the only option. Even if she has assets, the state can take all of it, apply it to her care and assume all responsibility.
You should never go without food. There are food closets and Churches that could help with this. I suggest you go to your Social Service dept and see if there are resources available to you. Food stamps for one.
Was your husband the POA? Is he currently mentally able? You may need an Elder Law Attorney visit to your home; he may need to resign his POA for his Mom. I am uncertain about all that, and all States vary, which is why professional advice, though costly, can be invaluable.
My heart aches for you. This is an almost impossible load to bear. I wish you and your hubby good luck, and hope that your MIL will find good placement and care as well. You have done your best. You are the second story on the threads today of a caregiver who has "gone down" under the burden of elder care, while the elder lives on. I am not saying that this caring brought on a stroke; that may have been in the cards in any case; but it is difficult for me to believe that this attempting care doesn't contribute to illness from constant stress.
Hugs. Take it one day at a time. I hope you will update us.
Keep us updated -- we are all rooting for you!
There should also be a social worker at the hospital who can help you with placing your MIL into a facility, along with helping you get Social Services that you need for basic survival.
Everything for everyone has changed.
One of these changes is Mom needs a whole new care plan including new living arrangements.
You will need substantial help & I hope the Social Worker attached to your Husband's care can be of real assistance to you.
Priorities are you, children & husband. Your MIL cannot be the responsibility of your husband at present. This will pass (unofficially) to her next eldest adult child as usual Next of Kin order until any other legal arrangements are made.
No explanation needed. It is UNSAFE to Discharge her to your home.
Repeat as often as needed.
💘😘💗
Hospitals and care facilities often will lie to you and force you to take the patient, despite it not being the best care for the patient. As others have said, they want to push the responsibility onto you. They will tell you that they are discharging her to force you to take her. I had a situation where the LO was in serious jeopardy and the hospital said she needed 24/7 care and should be temporarily put into a facility but discharged her, despite me telling them that I could not provide 24/7 care! I was ignorant about the system, picked her up, and had to find resources for her, which I did. Now I know! Tell them she cannot return to your home, explain that your husband is incapable of providing her care, and give your BIL’s information to everyone every time they contact you.
They might also the application for Medicaid move a bit faster in a situation like this.
You also need help with / for your husband.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so the VA might also be of help.
Not sure if I got the info right in your profile, looks like your husband is 48 that is young. I do hope he has had rehab..if not that might be something you would want to push. If he had rehab and if he needs more you can discuss that with his doctor.
Getting back to MIL...any care that is paid for should come out of any funds she has not yours.
Also if your husband is compromised it may be better to let the state become her Guardian if he can not do all that needs ti be done for her.
The able bodied brother in law should be referred to as the appropriate person, whenever decisions need to be made. The pressure is too much for your husband too. Don't waiver and stick to your guns. Good luck!
1st the only person who would have any legal authority over your MIL would be 1) herself if she was deemed competent to make medical decisions, 2) If not competent, then a legal guardian or spouse. That's it!!!! So no you don't have a legal responsibility to her.
I'm going to assume she was deemed incompetent & her husband is either incompetent as well or died, hence why she was living you. Basically you need to state to Social Worker/Case Manager that she is an unsafe discharge & you are requesting she be placed in a nursing home. Now in terms of who can make that decision for her depends on what state you live in. I'm in NYS & this decision would go the the Family Decision Making Act, but basically in order of preference (Spouse, Adult Children, Parents, Other Family Members then Close Friends). So again I'm assuming based on this that your BIL is her next family member who should take MORAL responsibility for her. Give the Social Worker/Case Manager his #/Address so they can contact. Hopefully that will be then end of it for you.
BUT if your BIL doesn't step up to the plate, then the Hospital may reach out to you to help with applying for Medicaid, etc...
Yes you can ignore them as you have no legal obligation to her. But keep in mind that "it goes to the state" as another commenter stated is NOT A QUICK PROCESS. It can take months for a Hospital to obtain legal guardianship over your MIL to place her into a nursing home & get Medicaid set up. And it case anyone was living under a rock we are still in the middle of a pandemic in which she would be taking up a needed Hospital bed.
The NICE thing to do would be to help them with any finianls needed to apply & get her placed. No one at the Hospital is going to judge you for not being able to take her back. You have your plate full & its now the BIL moral responsibility to step in.
On a side note if she has plan Medicare & 3 Inpatient nights and a skilled need (physical or occupational therapy need) She can be placed much faster. A managed Medicare (ie, Advantage plan w/Blue Cross, Aetna, etc...) the 3 day requirement is waived. If she already has Medicaid she doesn't require any qualify stay & can be placed. Also if she already had Medicaid the Hospital can bill it while waiting for placement (it pays little, but better then nothing). If she doesn't have Medicaid & deemed medically stable for discharge but no where to go, she would be changed to Custodial Care. This can be challenged by Medicare beneficiaries. But if upheld, the financial burden only goes to MIL's estate. You can not be billed & are not responsible for this debt. In this case I'm assuming her finances are exhausted. This debit will be back billed to Medicaid once obtained.
Hope this helps!!!
-Carol RN
Your husband was tge Caregiver and now he can't.
Juse make sure you do not accept her back in your hime. The Hoslital will call Social Services and find her a place to live.
For MIL, keep that wall up - do not let them bring her back to you. If she is sent anyway (I've read some comments where a person is sent home in a taxi!), refuse to accept her and send her back! Let the SW deal with this - it isn't your responsibility. POA only allows one to step in as the person's agent to sign documents, manage finances, etc as if they WERE the person, but it does NOT mean one has to provide the care. It doesn't.
In either case, if your husband is disabled, you can apply with SS for disability pension. He can't work, so he should qualify easily. Suggest you call the local SS office, as you can have a long wait with the main 800 number.
I had to sign up as rep payee for my mother (dementia) and it was not difficult. It was well before the virus, but they should be able to process this by phone if they are not doing in office appts. They set an appt for me when I called, I did NOT have to bring my mother with me, they did NOT look at anything I brought with me to show I was paying her bills, etc. They asked a lot of questions, filed the request and later I received approval. The only requirement is to file yearly report, but it can be done online and isn't too difficult - they don't really ask for details, but keep good records anyway, in case they ever ask! I lump her small payment into the housing/food category, and SS plus pension doesn't even cover half of the fee for her MC unit. They did question this last year, but I set them straight - the woman was 96 at the time, in a wheelchair, little to no hearing, losing eyesight and dementia. She isn't likely to take any vacas, doesn't go shopping, I provide whatever she needs that the facility doesn't provide and the rest of the fee from a trust we set up for her.
Once approved, the first payment is sent by check. To get electronic payments, you would have to set up a special rep payee account that only you can access and should only have his SS funds in it. I find it best to write checks from that account to make needed payments/purchases, so you have a little documentation (vs cash withdrawals.)
You may need to seek some legal advice (EC atty.) Many will do initial consult for free, and there may be some who will work with you either low fee or pro bono, since you don't really have income. Have all questions prepped for each consult (try several attys) and take notes. They should be able to advise you on how to deal with MIL, if the SW is not helping, and can help ensure you don't become impoverished if hubby needs to stay in SNF and/or get on Medicaid himself.
The hospital floor social worker normally finds a Skilled Nursing facility (SNFs) into which discharged patients are admitted and the social worker can also submit an application to the state for Medicaid Long-term-care coverage, meaning the Social Worker normally handles most of the work.
You can participate in choosing her SNF location; BUT the facility ultimately decides.
In the meantime start researching Skilled Nursing facilities, so you know what's available. AND, since everyone in the U.S. eventually lands into Medicaid, think about finding a facility that has both private and Medicaid patients/residents.
SNFs that take both private payments and Medicaid payments are typically the best type of facilities, they keep-up maintenance to appeal to private payers, while maintaining Federal minimum standards, to pass yearly federal inspections.
HUSBAND:
Your husband needs an SSDI application to be submitted. If he was working when he experienced the stroke, and had been paying FICA taxes thru a documented payroll system then he is eligible to apply for SSDI, Medically if your husband is unable to use one arm and one leg, then he fits qualifying parameters for SSDI.
Look thru his medical records for the term Hemiparesis, or the more debilitated term, Hemiplegia.
And look online for the Social Security BlueBook, SPECIFICALLY its Cerebral Vascular Accident (CVA) aka "stroke," section.
More precisely, if your husband has lost use of one side of his body, his medical records will state that he has hemi-paresis. Which typically qualifies him for SSDI since, he matches the following SSDI parameter:
* "the inability to control the movement of at least two extremities (either an arm and a leg or two arms or two legs), despite at least three months of treatment. Which results in extreme difficulty in the ability to balance while standing or walking, to stand up from a seated position, or to use the arms."
Another SSDI parameter focuses elsewhere (post-CVA cognitive functioning)is described, as follows: "Marked physical problems along with a marked limitation in any one of the following:
*thinking (understanding, remembering, or applying information)
*interacting with others (social problems)
*finishing tasks (problems with concentration, persistence, or speed), or
*regulating emotions and controlling behavior (such as problems with responding to demands, adapting to changes, and being aware of normal hazards).
You have lots of options to help everyone get situated.