He retired last year and we had plans to travel and visit friends and family. Due to the COVID-19 all those plans were canceled. He doesn’t have any hobbies or friends (I tried to get him to start a hobby but he refuses). He no longer wants to join a church and that was before the virus started. He is suppose to be doing PT due to balances issues and right sided weakness but he refuses that also. We moved to a new area to buy our forever home three years ago. I am slowly making new friends but he doesn’t have any desire to do the same. Our kids live 2 to 4 hours away which I do go and visit. He usually stays home. The doctor has put him on a antidepressant and he’s taking a memory medication. His negativeness, controlling, and nasty attitude is wearing me down. I keep myself busy around the house and do get out hiking and making crafts and that does help. I’m nervous and fearful on what my future will be like as his dementia progresses. I wish life didn’t have to be so complicated. I’m 67 yo and and I enjoy life, adventures and being with people. My faith is strong and that also has helped me in many ways. I need some advice.
Visit Alzheimers.org to read up on the subject at length (Alz and dementia both share many of the same issues/traits/behaviors); read The 36 Hour Day by Nancy Mace & Peter Rabins, watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn tips and techniques from her, she's remarkable. Get and ask for help, join a support group, and don't ever rule out placing him in a Memory Care ALF if/when the time comes that he becomes unmanageable at home. It's not a 'sin' or a 'crime' to do that; it's called reality. When I was a receptionist at such a place before the plague hit, there were LOTS of wives who'd come to visit their husbands several times a week.
If your DH becomes violent towards you, it's NOT OKAY. Call 911 and have him taken to the hospital for a psch evaluation. Dementia sometimes brings with it violent behavior. While it's 'not their fault', it's also not something that YOU should have to put up with. Not to scare you, just to let you know.
Hopefully your DH has a good doctor who's familiar with all the myriad issues that accompany vascular dementia. Don't hesitate to call him or her if you need to, or feel that he needs a med adjustment or a new med to treat new and ugly behaviors that crop up. Don't expect him to 'get better'..........dementia is progressive, although he will have good days and bad days. Some days my mother is perfectly lucid (moderate dementia) and other days she's on another planet entirely, cussing and carrying on like mad.
Take one day at a time and never rule anything out. Remember that YOUR life is just as important as HIS life. Care givers often get SO caught up in caring for their loved one that they get to thinking 'his' life is more important than 'her' life because 'he's sick'. That's not true; all humans are created equal and deserve love and care. Care for YOURSELF and do not neglect your own health in the process of caring for HIM. Go for a walk, join a book club, a gym.........do whatever you can while you can still leave him alone for a while at home. When you can no longer leave him alone at home, that's when it's time to hire in-home help and/or consider placement.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very tough diagnosis. Sending you a hug and a prayer for strength.
My husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July of 2018,(even though I know he had it for a while before), and thankfully he was pleasant the majority of the time, but when he wasn't, I would just leave the room, or house and usually when I would return, he would apologize for his behaviour. I too kept myself busy with outside things, best I could to keep my sanity. It's hard, and I hate to tell you that it's only going to get harder(although I know you already know that). So keep your faith, that is so important, and don't be afraid to ask for help.
My husband passed away 2 weeks ago today, and although I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore, I miss him. So I would say, just try and make the best of what you're going through and know that you are not alone.
Being around negativity is unhealthy. There are things that you can do to help you manage his negativity and not get sucked into the vortex of negativity. For example, stop asking questions you know you're going to get a negative response to.
Vascular dementia is very unpredictable, and can progress quickly. Make sure that your husband's doctor documented the diagnosis in his Medicare billings - you can setup an online account at mymedicare.gov - and track his bills and make sure charges are accurate. Medicare will help with home health services and durable medical equipment, which a doctor can prescribe as necessary.
If he doesn't already have, make an appointment for your husband with an attorney and get his important paperwork done - durable power of attorney both medical and financial, living will, will, etc. - ASAP. Get his affairs in order while he still can help you. Start planning now before a crisis happens.
Your profile states that you are also caring for your mother who lives in her home with your brother. Is that still the case?
For yourself, you need to stay grounded in what gives you hope for your personal and combined future. Keep making and developing relationships inside and out of the church. Keep connections with your family strong. Since you are a Christian, I suggest belonging to a Bible study group (many places call them small groups or life groups). Read your Bible, pray, play upbeat music.... Our life group is starting a short Bible study about kindness - which may be helpful in your situation. We're using "Nine Fruits of the Spirit: A devotion by Robert Strand... Kindness" and The Kindness Challenge" by Shaunti Feldhahn. Both are available on Amazon. Shaunti's research in kindness and it's application report 90% change in most relationships if you follow the "kindness rules" for 30 days. In the remaining "unchanged relationships," participants claimed positive changes in other relationships. I figure it is worth the effort.
My DIL is a nurse at centers for rehab, AL and MC and she and I both had noticed before his fall that he had issues with memory, attitude and anger that was not right. When he was told he could retire or be fired he was furious. He took retirement and he refuses to do anything but sit in his recliner and deteriorate. He got mean before retirement and worse afterwards. We finally got him to see a doctor (I can;t remember the exact type) my DIL made the appointment and told him he was going or else. He was diagnosed with dementia and onset alzheimers and put on several meds over the next year. The Mementine settled him down. But he will not get up and move. Now, he can barely walk. He complains about everything hurting. I do what I can to help him. I wish he would get up and just walk thru the house a few times a day. I don't see him being here at this time next year if he doesn't become more active like the doctor has instructed him to do.
I do pray your situation improves. Keep taking care of yourself and get out as often as you can. Talk to your pastor and friends. Don't let the walls close in on you. You do have a difficult time coming and we can relate to you. We're here for you.