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Had my first experience with my husband exploding in anger because I need to enforce a care restriction that involves protecting my well-being. Background is that I'm 73 caring for my soon-to-be 85-year-old husband. Those of you who post here have undoubtedly read some of my posts related to his multiple illness and diagnoses: hereditary amyloidosis, peripheral neuropathy, cardiac amyloidosis, carpal tunnel, and recently dementia (Alzheimer’s and small vessel ischemic disease.)


I have been giving him his showers, but was recently told to stop and to get home care to come in. Having osteoporosis, some spondyloses in my back (two spinal surgeries), degenerative disc disease, and arthritis, my husband's care team has determined it's not safe for me to continue doing this. Hubby woke up this morning telling me if I didn't want to give him his showers, I should leave. He wanted me out of the house, and he would divorce me. It was obvious I didn't love him, and I couldn't honor my marriage vows.



Even knowing you can't engage with a dementia patient; it was my first experience with this. So, I did try several times before I acknowledged it would go nowhere and left the room. I'm waiting for a callback from the therapist to get some idea of what to do. Never seen hubby like this and I'm not sure what he might do. He wasn't violent, just argumentative, loud, and unreasonable. I am anxious and walking on eggshells a bit.


Has anyone had similar exchanges with their spouse? How did you handle them? I think I need something like 'scripts' to use if this continues. Like how to respond and what to say.


The therapist texted me to let me know she couldn't respond right that minute and sent me links to a couple Teepa Snow videos to try and keep me occupied while I'm waiting. I'm trying to tell myself it's not 'him, it's the disease', but it hurts and I'm just a little unsettled.

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First thing I'd do is check what's going on with the caregivers, and if possible observe the shower routine (you can explain it's for reassurance only, and they truly should be okay with that). They probably aren't doing anything wrong, let alone evil, but if it isn't what he's used to and he's unhappy with the difference and not able to explain what the problem is, it could emerge as what he said to you.
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You MUST continue to tell yourself that it's not him, but the disease, as that is the honest to God's truth. The man you fell in love with is slowly but surely slipping away, and with all the other health issues he has on top of the dementia, I'm sure he has a lot of pent up anger as he's probably more than aware that mental changes are going on along with his physical.
So the best thing you can now do for yourself, is to educate yourself on the disease of dementia. Like your therapist recommended Teepa Snow is a dementia expert and has lots of great videos on YouTube along with several really good books as well. The book The 36 Hour Day is another good read in helping you to understand the world of dementia.
You shouldn't have to "walk on egg shells" in your own home, so I think the more knowledge you have about the disease, the more equipped you will be when these incidences arise, as knowledge is power.
If at any time his anger really frightens you or you feel threatened in anyway, please don't hesitate to call 911 and report him. They will take him to the hospital for evaluation and if needed help you find the appropriate facility to place him in.
Stay strong and educate yourself and remember that it's not him, it is the disease.
God bless you.
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I'm so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I agree with what the other posters have said. Your husband is irrational and that won’t get better. You may not want to deal with his irrationality going forward based on what he’s already said to you, so please look for places he can live and get the care he needs. A good way to start the conversation might be, “I totally understand why you don’t want to live together anymore, since I can’t take care of your needs myself. I’ve looked at some lovely facilities, and you’ll be moving to Shady Acres Care Home this week.” Then get him out of your house. If you continue to live with him, he will drive you into the ground. You deserve better.
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I would consider finding a nice home for him, he will not get better only worse. He could live for another 10 years are you ready to deal with all of this for another 10 years, knowing that each year it will get worse.

It may not be him of the past, however, it is the new him for today, tomorrow who knows he may be 100% worse.

Take care of you!
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It hurts, for sure.

Walking on eggshells isn't good for YOU, so I wouldn't do that. I think that I would make myself busy with my own activities and away from the home when the caregivers are around.
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Judycares, sometimes outbursts can be a sign of an Urinary Tract Infection. See if you can get hubby to see his primary doctor for a test.
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