Dad has bladder cancer and has been living with me, my husband and 4 kids for four months now..Its hard. He cries at the really small things, he keeps telling me how much he missed (home). he went to visit my sister for 12 days..Dad moving in was a temporary solution, he had health issues. Now he has to get his bladder removed. I don't know how to tell him that he cannot live with us forever, I want him out in a couple months..I want my life back. I know that may sound cruel, but he has had a knee replaced, epilepsy, now bladder cancer. He is constantly complaining about his knee, life, everything... It is really hard living with him on my family & I.
I don't think that he would qualify for assisted living, but could he afford going to a nursing home or would he qualify for medicaid to pay for it?
In the short term, does he have the resources to pay for some caregivers to come in and help?
What is his outlook on going to a nursing home or have you talked about it?
What level of care does his doctor said he needs at this time and has the doctor told him that he needs that?
Has his doctor said that his cancer is bad enough to place him in hospice care? If so, that is an option.
What's your husband's input about all of this? What does your sister think needs to be done? Do you have any other siblings who could be consulted about in order to put together a family plan?
I assume that you have his medical and durable POA? Unfortunately if he is not willing to go on his own to a nursing home, you want be able to force him with just a POA? The only means to force him would for a doctor to diagnose him as mentally incompetent and then go to court to file for guardianship. That's expensive and I hope you don't have to go there.
I hate to paint such a gloomy picture, but that's all that I can see?
I hope and pray that you can find a solution soon that will work both for you and your family as well as for your dad's safety and care.
Re the guilt for not doing what a parent expects of you - some parents play that game very well. Sounds like your dad does and maybe did in the past. Also it sounds to me that he never intended this to be temporary but always intended for it to be permanent but was not open about his intentions, or he changed his mind, but without discussing it with you. You need to set boundaries - that being that you cannot look after him in your home any more. He won't like it and will press the guilt buttons in you, but as guest says - what about your health? This is a impossible load. What about your husband who is "putting up" with this for you? What about your son who gave up his room? You could feel guilty about any of these things. Parental guilt seems to occupy a more important position for many of us, but it doesn't mean that it is more important. Yes, talk with your sister about his care being beyond you. Draw a line in the sand and don't step over it. (((((hugs)))) Come back and let us know how you are. Be sure to take care of you - you deserve it, your husband deserves a wife who is not overloaded and your children deserve a mother who has time and energy to make them a priority.
With your sister, you need to set that boundary that you have a husband, 4 kids, a home and Dad's needs will increase. She may not like this option, but if you are expected to care for Dad in your home, you have full right to determine what course of action is best for all.
emjo references parental guilt - we all have that with regard to our parents. We have fewer and fewer options, and that is what it is. But we have full control over whether we have parental guilt regarding our kids. Grab those moments helping with homework, cheering them at games, cuddling at night. Be present in those precious times with them.