How to step back?
I have been caring for my father for the past 3 1/3 years. Thankfully he lives at his own home with caregivers 5 days a week. But as everyone knows there is so much more to it. Throw in the fact that he is very demanding. My biggest personal issue is that I completely resent caring for him, taking him to appointments, paying bills, managing the aides and the house. Cooking, shopping and listening to his constant complaints. The constant phone calls. All this from a father whose biggest priority in life was himself. I wonder how I ended up in this role.
So anyway, he had a very significant fall several weeks ago, suffered a brain bleed and now needs surgery to drain fluid from his brain. My siblings and I have arranged for him to go to a very lovely assisted living facility right from the hospital and he will live there. The problem is we keep telling him he can’t live alone but he doesn’t want to hear it. He won’t be happy once he realizes he’s not going home.
When I say he won’t be happy, his MO has always been to throw a tantrum until he gets his own way. The facility says they can handle that.
Frankly I’m so sick of everything and I don’t want him coming home because I don’t want to do this anymore. My life revolves around him, this is not how I envisioned my retirement.
Ok so let me get to the point. Should things escalate and he insists on going home, how do I just say, “fine, but you’re on your own." I can’t do this anymore. He’s not capable of managing his medication, fixing his meals, etc. SAYING I don’t want to this and actually doing it are two different things.
Thanks for anyone who was kind enough to get through this!
8 Answers
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Your situation is similar to mine. Long story short, I became my father's caregiver after my mom passed away many years ago. I did not have a happy childhood due to the verbal abuse from my father towards my mom and I. This continued on to adulthood. He is also very demanding. It started out with me just doing the house cleaning but as the years went on, his needs became greater because of a stroke he had many years before. Then I was not only cleaning but washing, taking to doctor's appointments, mailing bills, cooking or getting food for him and etc. He started falling and ended up in the swing bed twice. After a long and hard process, he is now in a care facility. He can longer walk or tend to personal needs and etc. Before going to the facility, we tried getting help in the home but it was not enough because of his condition. Even with him no longer at home, I'm still busy taking care of his bills and etc.
I know how you feel. I told the social worker at the hospital when he was in swingbed that I was unable to care for him 24/7. I told him the same thing and I know he resents me for it but I had to finally think about myself. As others have said, caregiving takes a toll on you especially when the parent is difficult. I'm in counseling now for this. You have to take your life back, Do not wait too long like I did. What are his doctors saying at the hospital? If they are saying he can not live alone, tell them that you are not able to be his 24/7 caregiver. Please let us know how things turn out.
I think the best way to explain it is to tell you a bit of my situation and how I handle it.
Mom lives alone, shouldn't be, but it is beyond my power. I help out, a little, but with no power I can not, any longer put my all into this.
In the mornings, when I call mom, and she doesn't answer, I would go into a complete panic state, imaging her with broken bones , lieing on the floor. Not a fun place to be!
So now when I call, and she doesn't answer, my heart skips a few beats, I breathe, and tell myself, you did not cause this. This is not what you wanted. You did not make her old, you didn't even ask to be born!! So why is this my fault?
My mom enjoyed her retirement, why don't I get too? I should be able to, with I worry, without the continuous worry in back of my head. I deserve this, and so does my husband.
Who knows what is down the road in , mine and my husbands future, health wise. I am no longer going to ruin my "Today's" because of my family. I'm going to live in going to love and I'm going to be happy.
The stress of caregiving causes mental and physical health issues. I'm not going to allow, my family, to cause me health issues.
You, compartmentalizing "that crap" as best as you can, in the way you know you can. Everything works differently for different people. You can try mindfulness, meditation. Read up on FOG, fear obligation and guilt.
A person of faith or not read the "serenity prayer"
Life will get better!
This is no longer about choice.
Not your choice and not his choice.
That is number one and the family needs to stick to that. If you like, you can tell him to work hard for his recovery so he can return home. That will transition him a bit more slowly as this is a shock.
You yourself need to work on your thinking that you are responsible for his happiness.
He isn't a happy many and likely never was and that has ZERO to do with you and you can do nothing about it.
This is not a time for happiness but a time in loss. He will suffer and be unhappy for that loss and should be allowed to express it, but those who stand WITNESS have their own needs. And he should not be allowed a phone with which to badger those trying to handle a life after visiting.
You are going to need to make boundaries for yourself and protect them.
Again, this is not about choice. This is about loss. He has a right to mourn that, but he has no right to burden his family which is ALSO mourning his losses.
You know what must be done.
I am so very sorry. I know this is tough stuff, but you are going to need to be MUCH more self-protective if you are to survive this.
Do not throw your own body on the burning funeral pyre of your father.
No country on earth demands that anymore.
I had a similar experience with my aunt. She has dementia and she cannot live on her own. I live out of state. My family lives closer to aunt. They expected me to give up my work and life to take care of aunt.
My aunt has a beautiful home that she moved to when she retired. BEAUTIFUL landscapes. I would never be able to afford that if I give up on myself to be her caregiver. Why should I?
Everyone made me feel like I was responsible for her and I had to fix it. I got her home care help and she got rid of them. I just stopped. Stopped showing up to help. I used to call, she never answered or had anyone call me back. I just stopped.
Aunt is still living alone, but was forced to get home care.
There is nothing you can do. He has home care. You have to go on with your life.
When I retire, I want a nice retirement like my aunt had, but won't be able to if I stop my life to be her caregiver.
I'm going to tell you the phrase I've told them all and it usually puts the brakes on the stubbornness and demanding behavior.
'Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn'.
So, you tell your father this. You and everyone else needs to let him know that life in the AL is the good life and nursing home life is not. Let him know plainly that if he leaves the AL, he's on his own. That whatever the paid caregivers can't and don't provide, he will be doing without. Then when something even worse happens to him, assisted living won't be an option. It will be a nursing home and that will be a fact regardless of how violent a tantrum he throws.
Let me tell you something personal. It's the parents like ours who were abusive, narcissistic, selfish, gaslighting, bullies when they were young that expect their adult kids to make them the top priority of their life when they're old and needy.
He's not coming home from the AL. He lives there now and the sooner you truly accept this reality he will. When his verbal abuse, manipulation, and tantrums don't work on you anymore and he doesn't get what he demands he will acclimate to life in AL.
This cannot and will not happen if you pick up the phone ten times a day and give attention to his verbal abuse, threats, and demands to go home. It will not happen if when you visit, you allow tantrums, verbal abuse, and demands. If he acts up, that's when you get up and leave. You don't take phone calls every minute from him. You control when there will be phone calls and the tone of the conversation. If the demands start up, that's when the call ends.
I know what I'm talking about. If you were lucky enough to get him into AL, have a talk with the administrator and tell them they may have to involve the state because he cannot go home. You have to stay strong and not let yourself be manipulated by your father. It's tough to do because we've been conditioned all our lives by them. It's not impossible though.
Stay strong and don't give into his demands. You're doing right by him even if he doesn't think so. Remember that.
His temper tantrums are not your problem. He is old and unhappy. You didn’t cause that and you can’t fix that.
It won’t matter if he is having temper tantrums if you aren’t there to hear or know about them.
Also remember, a lot of them perform and act up for their relatives and they are fine at the facility when no one to perform for is there. Manipulative.
Like the others mentioned, mom had a great retirement. She moved away from kids and grandkids to enjoy her "golden" years. She moved back near her kids when dad died.
Be strong and make your life your priority.