How to prepare for the death of a husband?

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How to prepare for the death of a husband?

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He has a living will, and the funeral is planned. What else do I need to get in order? What tips do you have? What do you wish you did differently?

End of Life Spouse

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However much you prepare you are never quite ready.
I’d focus on quality time with him now - laughter or smiles at least, words you want to say to him before he goes.
Id rather do that than spend the time left preparing for after.

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Thanks, I will, but he’s asleep almost all the time.

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There is one thing otherwise - be kind to yourself during this time and after
so what if the dishes aren’t done at the usual time
take time out for you - nature always helps me - a walk by the shore, watch a sunrise/sunset, gardening - whatever gives you that quiet moment for yourself
dont “beat yourself up” mentally over little things
look after yourself - do some meals ready in the freezer for those days you might not feel like cooking but can warm something up.

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Hearing is the last sense to go so he might still get it - think of the people who listen to hypnotism tapes whilst they sleep 🤷‍♂️

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Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses

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No mater what you think you are ready for...you will get kicked in the gut!
My Husband was on Hospice for 3 years. I watched him decline over 12 years. I was ready! I read pamphlets. I knew what to expect. I had the loving support of a great Hospice team. But I was not prepared for the emotions that came over me that morning 3 years ago! (2 years 362 days)
I was lucky in that I was able to keep him home, keep him comfortable. I was unprepared for the SILENCE of the house afterwards. The bed, that seemed to make so much noise previously was silent. As a matter of fact I turned it on just to hear the noise.

You may feel relief. If so it is relief for him not for you. and because of the feelings of relief ....
You may feel guilty. Don't
You may feel anger. That's fine just don't turn the anger on yourself. You know you did everything that you could.

There is no way to predict how you should feel, how you will feel.
There is no time line on grief.
This is not something that you "get over" you "go through" it.
Everyone has their own way to grieve.
I friend of mine, her husband died over 9 years ago. She still breaks down every time she starts talking about him. There are places they wanted to go as a couple and she will not go to any of them because he is not there.
Me..it has been 3 years, I occasionally break down but I do talk about my Husband, it keeps him with me. (and I see him in my Grandson and it makes me smile) There are places we wanted to go and I plan on going just so I can honor what he/we wanted to do.

There is a quote that relates to military but it is true for all....
A soldier dies twice, once on the battlefield and once again when they are forgotten. When we lay a wreath on the grave of a fallen soldier we say their name so they are never forgotten.

Go easy on yourself.
Don't make any major changes for a while.
Find a good Bereavement group if you need one. Go even if you don't think you do. If nothing else it will give you something to do and you will meet people that KNOW what you are going through.

And you are going to find out that you are a lot stronger than you thought you were.

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So true Grandma! I cannot even think about my EX passing on,... holy crap, I doubt I cud get over it, ever.

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Consider the informal group at the library, the restaurant, the garden shops - places he may not even have been in a long time. Or - places you have not been in a long time.
I'm learning fast to think about this group over the next few months. Some I don't mind sharing with, but others whom I've encountered, I prefer not to. I'm just careful what I tell some people.

If you must pick up any of his possessions or return anything rented or borrowed on his behalf that can be unsettling.

I started contacting those who will need to know before I have the death certificates. They will be ready for you. Some will send claim forms etc. right away so you don't have to call again. You will have the addresses of whom/where to send documents.

If you don't already have a bulletin board, buy a small board. Keep a pad of sticky notes nearby so when things come up you can tack a note/reminder to yourself. When one task is done, pull that note off the board to make room for a new note.

All but one time while with friends, I felt better. The one night we went to a movie at the last minute, I had more less settled myself in and got ready to read a magazine. The short, mostly mindless stories that don't require a whole lot of thinking. But I like my friends so went out anyway. I just didn't get much out of the movie.

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I don’t think you can really prepare. My husband was sick for well over a year and knew he would die. We had plans in place, made visits, etc. But the day he died I felt like I had been hit by a train. The grief is overwhelming. It ebbs, then comes back. It’s been almost 18 months and sometimes feels like yesterday. I’ve gone to grief support group, therapy and back to work full time. Work has been difficult. We worked Together in our own accounting firm and even though it’s work, now it’s lonely at times. I sold our home of 37 years and a new condo. I moved two weeks ago. Lots to do, so that’s been good. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates. I’m not interested but they were nice men and I appreciated being asked. I do church activities.

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I am proud of the steps you have taken in the last 18 mths UsedupDil.

You're doing alot of things to take care of yourself and I commend
you for it.

I am so sorry for your loss. One Day At A Time they say.

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Thank you, everyone. I think the quietness in the house will be the hardest thing for me to deal with. Right now, I’m always listening for him to move or call out. I thought I might get a cat from a shelter to help me through it when the time comes. I prefer cats to dogs, although I enjoy watching videos with cute dogs...

I’ve also started thinking about what I would like to do outside the house and making a list for later reference because I tend to seclude myself unless I have someone to go out and do something with. If I can look at the list, it might help me get out. But I know that I will need to take it slow and not force myself to be “normal,” whatever that might be. It might just be a reminder to walk to the park or go horseback riding, which I would like to get back into.

On a more practical side, I realized some of the house bills are still on his name and I need to switch them over. I’ll try to do that, if possible. Sometimes they require his authorization, which is tricky.

He‘s been telling me that he is dying for 5 years now. I’m finally starting to believe him.

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The quiet is difficult. My husband was at home most of his illness, including the end. I keep an all instrumental radio station on most of the time when I’m not at work. I find TV makes me feel very lonely.

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Think you've had some fantastic ideas! A cat would be company without the need for walks, Your list to help reduce seclusion is a great one too - being deaf I tend to avoid social situations now I must admit.

The bills in his name can be dealt with via death certificate - you need to think how many you might need as they charge more if order a further amount after. I had 20 and think there were 3 that I didn’t use,

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Our phone number is still in my late Father-in-Law's name. He has been gone for 75 years. No one ever bothered to change it. My late Mother-in-Law kept the same account. When my husband grew up he purchased the house they all lived in and never changed it. When we get ads with his name on it, we know where they got the information from. : )

When I got a divorce, I only had one company give me grief over changing a credit card name. I just wrote a letter cancelling the card and signed his name. The CC was given to me in the divorce.

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When my husband died I had a period of time when I could not concentrate and I had ZERO patience with frustration or complications involving paperwork, name changes, etc. I went physically to the offices of banks or brokerages and let the professionals help with paperwork. People were kind and patient and knowledgeable and knew how to do things correctly. There is no immediate panic to get things done. Some changes had to be done by telephone. Companies have entire departments for handling these changes. Put yourself in their hands. They will walk you through everything you need to do.

The personal grief and quietness and emotional ups and downs are another thing altogether. I, personally, treasure my solitude so I have no problem with being alone. I spent many hours after my husband's death writing my feelings in a journa! I made heavy use of a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman. I participated in two bereavement support groups. The best ones encourage people share there emotions and experiences. (I'm NOT a fan of groups that use "workbooks" or have planned speakers or presentations.) You want to hear about real things from others who have been through the same yrauma. I am active in adult education classes and exercise groups at the YMCA which serve as social contacts as well being activities in their own right.
You are doing well to think ahead. Carry on.
Good luck to you.

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When he is awake, can you record the two of you reminiscing? Looking at pictures and recalling the good times you shared? Something to watch later when the grief is strong that might remind you that your love is stronger?

I took pics of my FIL with our family about two weeks before he died. I treasure those pictures but wish I would have recorded his voice. I miss seeing and hearing him chuckle.

I hope you have patience with yourself as you face this journey.

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That was really a lovely and profound sentiment, that your love is stronger than your grief. It brought me to tears because I know the grief will seem overwhelming.

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Julia Rose, you're wise to think ahead now.    I thought I was prepared, but I never anticipated some of the issues I now face.

1.   I wish I had both of my parents and my sister record their own thoughts of their lives, those kind of meandering topics that flash back in the middle of the night when I wake up and really miss them.

There are aspects of my parents' childhood that I don't remember, and I wish I did.   For me, there's just so much missing that I've either forgotten or never learned when we had leisurely reminiscing discussions about their early years.   It really helps to remember them not only as parents but as people, and the challenges they faced and conquered.

2.    I wish I'd asked to go through their slides and photos, and labeled them all.   I have photos of people I don't know, whether they're relatives or friends, and what they meant to my parents' earlier years.

I began going through some slides yesterday and realized there are dozen, literally dozens if not more, slides, but no narratives.   Were these solo trips my father took?   How old was he at that time?   Were the photos of my mother with her co-workers, or friends?   I don't know, and all my relatives and my parents' friends from those day are also gone.

3.   I had gotten duplicate keys of everything I thought I'd need, but I forgot about security/lock boxes, keys to the little Amigo we got, keys to the trailer.   And titles to the trailer and boat are missing.    Are they hidden somewhere in another safety deposit box, are were they taken by the someone I know was going through my father's belongings and "rearranging" and "indexing" them?   I'll never know.

4.   I should have prepared an inventory of my father's tools. He had an extensive collection, all organized, but now I can't find most of them. The shelves that once were full are now bare.   I think he may have given some away, but I don't know, and I wish I did.

5. I can't find his uniform, medals or parachute.   They meant a lot to me; I should have removed them years ago for safekeeping.   It's the same situation with my mother's wedding ring - it's disappeared.

I have suspicions where these very personal items went, and how they disappeared, but I can't prove it, nor can I get them back.

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I tried to do that - they all laughed and never did. For many Christmases every time I was asked what I’d like I’d say a tape of your favourite songs jokes poetry. Or would you put who is who on the back of the loose photos.
At least I sat down with dad and inventoried key papers documents keys his wishes etc etc.
Things went missing -including tools I would have found useful - but it’s the memories and folks names...

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My 67 yo hubby has walked up to death's door 6 times because of major health issues--Liver transplant, major septic infection, stroke, motorcycle crash, 2 heart attacks--and each time I have sat in the waiting room, all alone, planning a funeral.

He opted for cremation only b/c I did. He has not said what he would like to have as a service, and mine is all planned out. Said to just 'do whatever'.

(He is currently healthy and I am the one battling cancer right now).

So I decided that I would in fact, do "whatever". Probably a viewing for family and friends and then after the cremation, a simple 'gravesite' service. Some music he loved and a few words from each of the kids. No flowers, as he doesn't care, dinner at a restaurant that is not far from the cemetery. He truly does not care.

I am not being snarky, but the only song I can think of that would bring a smile to his face is the Rolling Stones "I can't get no Satisfaction".

I have faced his death so many times---I still think it will be shock to me. He's facing his mother's death, I doubt she'll make it to Christmas, and he is TOTALLY checked out about that.

If the kids want to make it a bigger deal than what I have outlined, they can knock themselves out. Funerals are for the living anyway.

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Mine’s the same way. Wonder how many others?

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My former husband had cancer, went through radiation & chemo but the cancer spread & he died. I took care of him with the help of hospice but it was very hard watching him lose so much weight. He went from over 200lbs to about 75lbs!!
After his death I felt empty but started to put praise tapes in my player and playing them over and over while praising the Lord. Praising my Lord, Jesus, was the only thing that gave me comfort, strength and peace.
I now am caring for my 81 year old husband who has alzheimers & know that he will leave me for heaven, don't know how soon but try to prepare for it. I am 83 & have some health issues but keep going with my Lord Jesus's help. He is the only way. I KNOW I will see each husband in heaven some day. God bless you

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Take help when it's offered. Help to run an errand, make you soup, go with you to handle one of the issues. Take it if you can.

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Estate planning--see an eldercare attorney. Keep everything out of probate. Joint bank accounts so you can access his account when he passes and not go through probate. That's right--even if you two are married, you cannot access his account without you being joint owner so it will require a court order to sign it over to next of kin which is spouse. If he has a car, get that tag agency to include your name for auto insurance purposes. Does he have a WILL? You will need a copy of the will for life insurance issues.
(1) The funeral home will automatically notify Social Security electronically. If checks are not adjusted right away, be mindful you will have to pay it back later.

(2) If he is getting a military stipend, get the number to the Defense Finance/Accounting and call them. Do this now and keep it on your refrigerator, so you don't have to spend time looking for it at your most grievous moments.

As for grieving, that process is as individual as the person. It is, however, important you get the business side of death done to assuage the stress. Your mind will be like in a tunnel feeling like flatland.

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If we have POA for each other could there still be an issue with cars? We have done estate planning with a lawyer but your mentioning the car issue made me think to ask?

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Someone mentioned putting bills in your name. I always assumed if a spouse died the name would change to the living spouse at the same address? Is is preferred to change these accounts prior to death?

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There are so many little things to do after a death that even simple tasks like this can be overwhelming, the more that can be accomplished beforehand the better.

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If you husband is a military veteran, visit the locals VA Benefits office. There is paperwork to complete if you are his beneficiary/claimant, and to designate you as his agent to sign anything that may need on his behalf. They do NOT accept any form of POA, they require their docs.

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if you are getting a military stipend all you need to do is call the military authorities and notify them of the death. They will just need a copy or fax of the death certificate, but the moment you call they will terminate the payments. No need to go anywhere.

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Make sure you order enough Death Certificates. Even if you wind up not using them, they're darned expensive after the first batch.

I had my DH cremated and his ashes are sitting on my hearth. I bought a Living Urn with the idea of planting a tree in his garden, he so loved to garden. But the tree died and I was really glad that I still have the ashes, undisturbed. The company, The Living Urn, sent me a free replacement and I'm glad that I decided to "pot" it the first year because this was an extremely hot summer and I'm sure it wouldn't have made it.

I discussed everything with my DH before he passed except burying him on our property. We already had a double-plot and tombstone in the church cemetery. But he is ok on my hearth until I decide exactly what I want to do.

I opted for no viewing as I didn't want to be seeing strangers telling me how sorry they were. People that didn't see him while he was alive - I didn't need their sympathies after he passed.

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I wish I had had Hospice called in sooner. They were to start the day he died. And then when the nurse did arrive, she acted angry and ran through the bathroom tearing the morphine suppositories out to take away. I don't remember anything else, as he had just died a few hours earlier and was still in denial, but the action and attitude of this nurse was traumatizing.

I also truly wish I had taken FMLA from my job and spent time with him, gotten a loan to help with the $$ and spent time at home with him and our teen-aged children.

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My husband's been gone 17 years and I lost my mother this year. Practically speaking, make sure you are joint owner or pay on death beneficiary on all bank accounts. It will make paying bills and accessing easier. Make sure there are beneficiaries on all investment accounts. Organize photos for a slide show or just to watch when you are lonely or get photos enlarged and framed for display at the funeral. Get passwords to all online accounts, even Facebook. You never know when you have to research an issue or look up a friend because you don't know who they are. Clean the house and frig and car -- you will have visitors. Get the names and contact information for all the services that your husband used to perform (oil changes, car repairs, sprinkler system repair, plumber, electrical, handymen, roofing, etc). Be sure and get plenty of death certificates as you will need them in the future to transfer car titles, apply for benefits, etc. Have spare keys made. Get AAA auto club for the times you might run out of gas, lock yourself out of the car, need towing etc.

For grieving, read Imagine Heaven as it helps to visualize the death experience for him. Start walking in the mornings or whenever. It's easier to continue exercising for your health when you've already started. It will help fight depression.

I agree with others' suggestions to document photos, record reminiscing and record your own ramblings about times together. You will forget.

Regrets? I didn't know when or whom to trust afterwards. When I started selling farm items I got confused and asked one person if they miscounted the cows they bought. I think I hurt their feelings and came across as not trusting. Farm stuff was not my thing and we didn't have great records. In my confusion sometimes I came across and being petty about money. Practice pausing and sleeping overnight before dealing with doubts and money. Money issues can be scary so if you have a financial planner or advisor, it's a good time to bother them and don't feel guilty even to ask about selling cows.

You will get through this. HUGS to you and praying for your recovery.

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Coffeeaddict--I'm going to copy & keep your list of the practical things regarding the house.

One other thing. This may sound silly, but some people stock up on toilet paper & tissues. People DO visit to extend sympathy--and the paper products can run out at the worst time.

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Lots of good ideas here. I just want to give you a heads up about credit cards. My husband and I were married 36 years before he passed away 10 years ago. Like most couples, we had credit cards but I never gave it much thought about who opened what account. We both always had privileges and cards of our own on each of the accounts. After he passed away, I decided to pay off one of them and maybe close it out as I didn’t really need all those cards. When I called the bank to do that, they told me I could not cancel the card because I was not primary on the card!! I explained that I had POA and he had passed away but it didn’t matter. Nope...I couldn’t do it. So, I thought, I’ll go into the local branch and explain. Surely this person didn’t understand me. Well, when I sat with the local manager and explained the situation, she agreed with me. I had my POA, death certificate and every other piece of paper. She called for me and THEY TOLD HER THE SAME THING!! Apparently, the main headquarters for this bank were located in another state and they would not recognize the POA!! The manager was as flabbergasted as I was. So, to this day, I get a monthly bill addressed to my husband even though he’s been dead for 10 years!! A monthly reminder that he is no longer with me!! I get other offers for credit cards from other banks and lending institutions in his name as well. I don’t know what credit rating they could be using because everything was out of his name for many years before he passed away. Good luck putting your affairs in order. It certainly can get complicated. So sorry for this stressful time.

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My husband passed this last year. I always paid the bills and handled all household paperwork. I thought everything would be fine after he passed, but I was wrong. As soon as our main credit card company found out about his death, they immediately cancelled the card because he was the primary on the card. I had NO say. I had all our utilities and online banking accounts tied to this card. It was extremely frustrating to have to contact all accounts and change everything. I was already in a weakened emotional state and to have to deal with all this was overwhelming for me. So, my suggestion to Julia Rose is to make sure She is the primary on all credit cards and accounts BEFORE he passes. It will be so much easier later.

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Make sure to check the beneficiary on every single account. The POA is gone the minute your loved one passes away.
I failed to name myself as the beneficiary on one of my Mom’s brokerage accounts with TD Ameritrade and the account went into probate for a few months. I had no access and had to pay my lawyer a couple thousand dollars, and it was a lot of phone calls and footwork to get everything corrected. Make sure to have a list of people and phone numbers to call to inform them of your loved one’s death. I believe the funeral home takes care of the social security call , but you might want to double check, and ask if you need to call Medicare/ Medicaid as well. I’m so sorry that it’s come to this point and my heart goes out to you at this incredibly difficult time. The last week of her ( my Mom’s) life, I put a framed wedding photo of my mom’s grandparents on the wall where she could see it, along with lots of other family photos, had her favorite music playing softly, and some scented candles. I slept in her bed beside her hospital bed every night. I felt like part of me was dying too, as I’m sure you feel. The Lord mercifully took her about a year ago. Of course I still miss so much about her, but the pain is less sharp now. Again, my deepest condolences go out to you.

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If you do not have joint ownership of your house get a transfer upon death document certified. After the decease change the property title.

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What made a huge difference when my husband passed 15 years ago was our family trust. We didn't need to probate anything, and I have been able to continue our business and sell off most of the properties over time. Work with a reputable elder law attorney as an individual (not a group seminar), and you need an actual will to go with it (a "living will" is for health care, not property) which can be done at the same time as the trust.

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Check the utilities to make sure your name is on them. Gas, water, electrical, phone, cable ... When I called gas company to tell he had passed, they were going to shut off gas that day! Coldest day of the year. Unless I brought death certificate. You won’t get death certificates for about three weeks.
Don’t tell financial institutions he is deceased until you are ready with death certificate. Order 20 or so.
Get a thousand dollars or so of cash now to help tide you over until things settle in case you can’t access accounts.
Contact his retirement and make sure you are beneficiary.
Will updated.
Safe deposit box.
Any spare keys around that you don’t know what they go to.
Internet passwords
Blessings to you in this difficult time. If you don’t get all this done, you will be ok. I agree with DareDiffer. Please allow yourself to just sit with him. I am sorry.

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As long as they get their money, they won't cut off the power. It does not matter who pays it. When my father died, the phone bill remains under his name and that was 23 years ago. It is still under his name LOL even after mom died I kept it under his name.

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What great answers! One thing not mentioned yet is the value of your home when you get full ownership. I was advised to have it appraised so I'd know the value of his half when I inherited it. All for possible tax purposes if/when I sell. Another regret was never having written an obituary or even what I wanted said about him at the Memorial Service. I was too numb to think after he died.

I did not have all passwords. And how did he mow the lawn, put the leaves he raked, or even how did he get new checks when he ran out! We divided many chores, and could not cover for each other for some of them. It overwhelmed me after, as did the emotions. Some sound silly now, but everything was huge after he died. Use your friends.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

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The only thing I can add to anything mentioned here is when dealing with any financial accounts is to update your own pay on death information.
You know your accounts better than any one. Banks, credit unions, life insurance.
Any POA you may have. Your family doctor for your care. ETC.
Contacting the credit reporting companies and have names removed and accounts closed.

My concerns in doing all of the things listed here and more was to protect her reputation from identity theft.

The funeral home, in our case, did not notify social security. I took care of that when I filed for the death benefit ($255.00 or whatever it was).

I had no trouble with our bank or credit union, nor life insurance. But I still needed those death certificates.

The only place I did not need anything was the county buildings/departments.
Voter registration and the jury clerks offices.

I wish you the best with this.

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Check and double check all financial accounts including all policies like life insurance, company life insurances that you may have forgotten about. Prayers sent to you.

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After my dad died I stayed with my mother for a week. For some reason she got in a rush to have me inform every company they had accounts with that he had died. Nothing wrong with that--maybe. Except that the credit card was in HIS name not HERS, and they closed the account the instant I called. She had to go through a lengthy application process for herself. That left her to either use cash or checks--not always feasible. I know a lot of people say "don't use credit cards", but sometimes it's the best option. Seeing what she went through, the first thing I did when I returned home was to apply for a card in my own name. As I recall, mom had to fuss with at least one of the utilities as well.

Plan to have someone accompany you (at least the first few weeks) any time you have to meet about financial/business matters. Dealing with Social Security office and the county (property titles) was particularly traumatic for mom. Those nice people ask questions and your mind can freeze up and not process what they're saying. Have someone with you that you can lean on.

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Please, if you haven't done so, look into grief counseling. I have heard that this will be very beneficial for you and the family in the end. As Grandma1954 says "No matter what you think you are ready for...you will get kicked in the gut!" So Grief counseling will be very helpful for you afterwards. My mom is currently going through the end stages of her husband's life (my dad) so you have my prayers and thoughts.

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My prayers to you and your MOM in the end stages of your DADS life. You are so correct that you will get kicked in the gut. My husband passed on Sept 4, 2019. Thank you Anonymous1256 for giving such valuable advice. You yourself will need grief counseling. You are important too.
May God be with you and your family.

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