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My Dad has mild to moderate cognitive memory issues…still lives at home alone with a lot of assistance from me and I have three volunteers that visit to help with medication reminders during the week. His days are usually spent in front of the TV which saddens me as he was a very active member of his community. Me and my family are planning to move from NY to SC. We’ve looked into Assisted living for Dad and found a couple close to where we would be that has levels of care and memory care. Dad really wants to stay in his apartment where he’s lived for over 60 years but he actually should be in assisted living as his quality of life would greatly improve. Plus AL in SC is more affordable.



wondering what the best way to make the move would be….
having him live with us first and then move him to AL or move him directly to AL. Moving him to AL may be tricky since we will be moving as well…I just can’t wrap my head around what the logistics would be. Also…how best to ease him into the reality of the move as he thinks we can leave him behind and he’d be just fine.

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I would move him directly into AL, adding another layer just creates more confusion, you can always move him first and then you move.

Will we were waiting for step parents furniture to arrive from AZ to Fl, the home lent us some furniture to use for a few weeks so they moved directly in upon arrival. Went very smoothly!

Just takes some planning.
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Di27813 Feb 8, 2024
this Is what I was thinking too..I don’t want to add confusion and hope we can make a smooth transition.
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I agree to move him directly into AL first. You can tell him a "therapeutic fib" that he needs to stay in this temporary apartment. You can tell him his house has a dangerous gas leak or black mold and he has to move completely out for them to fix it. If he has memory issues, he probably won't remember from day to day what you told him. Make sure the facility is aware of this narrative (they are used to it, they've seen and done it all for others and will be happy to participate).

Once in AL he will need some time to acclimate, where you are not calling or visiting him extensively.

If he does happen to remember what you said, you can tell him he can leave when he can demonstrate his ADLs to his doctor and then the doctor allows him to leave. This way you are not to blame and not the object of his anger.

Is he on any meds for depression/anxiety/agitation? If you think he made need this I would work on this before the move. It is very very common for elders to need meds for this, since dementia robs them of their ability to use logic, reason, memory and judgment and therefore they are not able to bring themselves to a place of mental and emotional acceptance or peace. They need help with this going forward.
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Di27813 Feb 8, 2024
Thank you for responding. The fib wouldn’t be far off. His landlord’s are not properly maintaining his building but he doesn’t care because he’s comfortable there.
right now he thinks because he’s mobile, gets up, gets dressed, and can eat on his own that he is independent and has his ADLs in order. When I bring up how I do everything else, how I have cameras that help me keep track of him, how he has volunteers that help bring meals and medication reminders, that he doesn’t shower unless reminded , etc… he just has a blank stair and says but I’m here and am fine.
He has a wellness check coming up so I’ll definitely ask the dr about meds to help ease the transition. I may need some myself LOL. The stress this is causing me is immense. Since Dad doesn’t remember and is not dealing with purging his apartment I feel like the stress of moving doesn’t linger with him.
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Take him straight to the AL. Stops along the way will simply confuse him more and make the final move harder.

If it's possible to hire out as much help with packing, culling out the 'junk'-so the actual move is smoother.

How cognizant of things is your dad? Could he go through his own things and with help, pack his place? Can the CG's who come in take that project on? I think the hardest part of this will be trying to pack up 2 households.

My MIL's A:F would lend her furniture if that were needed. It's not, but it would be helpful to have a bed, table, recliner & TV in the ALF before you move in all his stuff. Treat that part of the move like he's staying at a long term hotel. After you get yourself settled--you can do dad's place.

I sure wish you luck--this sounds very challenging!
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Di27813 Feb 8, 2024
I’ve been going through my Dads place…I feel more comfortable doing this instead of the volunteers. They are already taking such a load off that I don’t want to ask any more of them. I’ve been asking him and offering to help go through the house fir over five years. He hasn’t helped at all and I finally just started doing it because the reality is he will not be able to stay in his apartment alone. He thinks he can because he’s there now, but I’m basically providing all his care and have cameras that help me keep track of things…I arrange meal delivery and house cleaning and med reminders, I do his laundry, get him to Dr and other places since he no longer drives, finances. If we had other family in the area that could help maybe he could age in place, but all he has is me. He really doesn’t want to leave and I feel bad that I’ll be making him move but he can’t make it alone.
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Definitely straight to AL. It will be way harder on him and you to go from your home.
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Do not move him in with you . You won’t get him to leave . Do you have POA? If so you can be honest and tell him he has to go and he needs help or if his mind is so far gone you Fib and tell him he has to move there “ temporarily “ . Then you leave him in AL and just stall and fib some more if he asks when he’s leaving . We used to tell my father in law that the doctor says he has to stay where there are nurses for now. Then later on we said the same thing but left out “ for now “. It would probably be better to move him in AL first , so you know he’s safe and you can concentrate on moving yourself .
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I agree that you do the moves separately – you to your new place, Dad to AL. The question then becomes “which first”? Trying to do both at the same time could be very very stressful.

It might depend on how strongly D will object to the move to AL. If he will be sorry but compliant, do him first. If he will fight tooth and nail, move yourselves first and run down the support he is getting now. This may make his real ‘dependence’ clearer, and the move to AL more of a relief to him. There is also a possible ‘middle step’ for D, namely he goes into a hotel at the time you move, at your new ‘home’ town. You focus on your move, then have the time and energy to shift him from the hotel to AL. A lot depends on the detail, but you can think through how the different moves will work for you.
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Di27813 Feb 9, 2024
thanks for responding. I do have POA. Hotel would not be an option as I fear he’ll be very confused. A couple years ago he was in hospital for a few days and I felt that he was experiencing sundowners. Hasn’t really happened when he’s been home.
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The easiest way to do this would be to NOT move both of you at once.
YOU and your family move first. Settle in then go help dad pack up and move him in to a PRE SELECTED AL or MC facility.
With the help that he has he should be alright for a week or two.
The other option and maybe the better one would be to move him first into the Pre Selected facility. Get him settled and then go back and move yourself. If any items are left in his house they can be packed up and put in storage in SC. That way you can go through items when you are settled in. Chances are you are going to have to go back to deal with his house anyway.
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Di27813 Feb 22, 2024
Thankfully he lives in an apartment so we won’t have to deal with selling his home..only moving, selling or donating the contents. We would only have to sell our house. Doing it in two stages …him first then us or vice versa seems best than moving us all at the same time. I worry about moving him first and not being there close by since I do have a little bit of support here and none there.
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Tricky as it may be, move him directly to ALF.

You will see, if you have spent any time here at all, that taking a senior into your home, unless that is your permanent intention, seldom works.

And that I can see, you do not yet have your father's permission on any of this. You moving may not mean to him that he goes into care in a unknown place to him. So I would start with his understanding, after taking some virtual tours of the planned living facility, that he will make this move.

I wish you luck. Hope you'll update us on this interesting dilemma.
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Di27813 Feb 22, 2024
Sadly, permission isn’t something I can depend on. I don’t have guardianship, but Dads memory issues are plain to see that he can’t live independently. I’ve been talking to him for years…even before memory issues, about moving. He’s in a second floor apartment with no elevator and landlords are letting the building deteriorate. He’s has a very strong attachment to his apartment for over 60 years so I fear the change will be doubly difficult now with his memory problems. I’ve taken him to some lovely AL places over the years but he says he’s comfortable where he is. I understand the comfort thing, but he won’t be safe here without the support from us and his money will run out if we private pay for in home help…which frankly I do not entirely trust and I still have to provide care when in home help can’t make it. Sometimes I feel like I could handle him living with us, but then I know there will come a time I probably won’t and I feel that moving him again from my home would be harder. He’s so alone in his apartment…just sits and watches tv all day…he used to be very social and I would really hope that moving him to an AL, even if he’s not on board with it, would be better for his quality of life.
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Do Not move dad to live with you in a new home, with plans on moving him later to AL. It would be a difficult adjustment for him, and more of a burden on you than you realize. It will be even harder to move him again later from your home to a facility.

Why do you feel you need to move him at the same time you are making this big move? If he is happy and comfortable in his own apartment, where he has friends, I would leave him there for now, with people to check on him and help him out, as he has now. When the time comes that he declines and can no longer live on his own, you can then move him to an assisted living, or nursing home.
Hopefully you will have settled in to your new home by then and be ready to address his move.
It's wonderful that you have volunteers to check on your Dad, but you may want to consider hiring trained caregivers, or professional attendant care providers.
If he can not afford that, help him apply for medicaid assistance to pay for a home caregiver.
He's happy where he is. It would be so disruptive and upsetting for him to move. Things could change after you move away, and he finds he wishes to be closer to you. Focus your energy on getting your family moved right now. That is enough work without adding the complicated logistics of moving your dad.
I assure you, he's not going to go easily, and will add so much stress to your life! He will stubbornly argue, fight you on every decision, and express his displeasure, so that you know he is upset.

I appreciate that you care about your dad and want to take care of him, but take care of yourself first.
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I now think waytomisery has a better idea to get him moved first, so you know he's safe and settled, then concentrate on moving your family.

My answer was for the family to get moved and settled first, but if he is definitely unable to live independently, then getting him moved right now is a good solution.
And don't worry about going through all his stuff and packing. He won't need and won't be able to take much to assisted living. Just get necessary furnishings - sofa, bed, tv, a table and his clothes - a couple knick-knacks to help him feel at home, and move it with him now.
Then, take your time going through his things, without him there, you will likely need to donate or toss a lot of it, unless it has real sentimental or functional value to him. It may help to take a look at an AL apartment. that will help give you some perspective on what will fit and what must go.
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