I am going mad trying to please my mom. How do I keep her happy?

"Please my mom" is the wrong goal, because it leaves the success or failure of your actions in someone else's hands. "Do my best to do the right thing" is the right goal, because when you've done your best you've succeeded, independent of whether the other person is a grump or an angel.

Oh sweetie, I can relate. I have a similar situation with my mother. My mother also suffered a stroke but is not in a wheel chair. She uses a walker and a motorized scooter to get around. But, she still complains that she is unahppy and cannot do anything. My mother also makes me feel guilty. My mother was living with a male friend and they had an agreement that my mother would do all the cooking, cleaning, etc and buy the food. While the friend paid the mortgage and all other bills. It was a good arrangement as they both shared expenses and kept each other company. Then, when my mother had her stroke things changed. She lost the use of the entire right side of her body and also has a heart condiiton. She could no longer do her part of the agreement. The friend kicked her out of the house because he could not take care of her due to his own health problems.
So, as the "good daughter" I brought my mother to live with me and my husband.
All of my children are grown so there are no grandchildren. At first, it was not too bad having her around. I stopped working and spent all my time waiting on her hand and foot. We spent time together outside on my covered patio while she smoked her nasty cigarettes. I haven't seen or spent time with my mother in 20 years. We have talked on the phone and kept in touch. But, I have never had the money to go visit since she lived across the country. We had a lot to catch up on.
After a couple of weeks she started complaining that I didn't prepare her food right, or use the right laundry detergent. She kept warning me what I was going to experience when I got to be her age and she constantly complained about her aches and pains and the fact that she could no longer do the things she used to do. I was ready to go back to work; but, she kept saying that I "was too old and once an employer found out how old I was they would fire me." What?!!!! I am barely 50 years old! I am also taking college classes online to get a degree. She told me that I was wasting my time. A college degree wouldn't get me anywhere especially when employers found out how old I was. She was telling me this due to her "personal experience" when she was 50 and looking for work. She always interuppted me when I would talk to my husband and get involved in our conversations. She would talk to me when I would do my homework. She drove me nuts!! I finally had to do something because it was starting to affect my marriage. I love my mother; but, I love my best friend and partner for life more.
I wasn't about to let my mother ruin my happiness. She was not going to live forever. When it is her time and she is gone, then what? I would be all alone and still miserable. My mother played the guilt card a lot to get her way. She used me like a puppet. One of my friends told me that "she uses me like a punching bag" and advised that no one deserves to be treated like that. I finally decided to put my mother in a elderly retirement apartment. Fortunately, my mother can do some things for herself; although, she won't admit it. I go once a week and do her laundry and cleaning, etc. My mother complains that she doesn't like the "old people that live there. They are boring." She won't get involved in any of the activities. But, you know what? That is HER decision. NOT mine. I make sure that my mother has food (she even gets meals on wheels,) personal items, health care ( I take her to the doctore as needed,) and I do her laundry. The only thing she has to do is heat up her food. She still has to go outside to smoke and she complains that it is too far to walk or ride her scooter. She complains about the safety doors being too heavy since she has no strength in her right arm. I could go on and on about why she isn't happy. My family tells me "she will NEVER be happy and will ALWAYS complain no matter where she is." I finally figured out that she is lonely and wants my company and she is miserable because she wants her life back the way she used to be. I can't give my mother her life back, I can't take away her aches and pains. I cannot give her my life! All we owe our mothers as daughters is to make sure they are safe, fed, clothed, clean and get their medicine and whatever other health care they need. Our mothers do need some of our time. NOT ALL of our time. We have a life too. If your mother starts getting upset and using the guilt card....just simply get up and say I don't deserve this and walk away. Don't let her see you get upset, just hold your composure and let her know that when she wants to have a calm discussion, you will be back. Walk away and when you are down the hall, then cry. Do this a few times and she will get the message. You are a GOOD daughter as I am. But, we tend to let our mothers control our lives and emotions. You are NOT being selfish by putting her in either assisted living or a nursing home. Actually, it is best for you both. I have done some work in a nursing home in the Alzheimers Unit. You would be suprised how many family members just drop their mothers off and forget about them.
I was an assistant activity director and I was the one that spent all my time keeping the residents occupied, listening to them cry, holding their hands, laughing at some old comedy movies, etc. We always recognized their birthdays, did crafts, did excercise, etc. A nursing home isn't all that bad. You just have to choose the right one. Of course, your mother will complain no matter what. But, you have to feel comfortable where she will go and knowing that you will be there at least once a week to check up on her care. You deserve to be happy and to live your life with your beloved husband. He sounds like he has been very supportive for you. My husband has been also and very patient. Being a caregiver isn't easy and you need to get involved in a group with other caregivers to talk about your experiences. You will find that you are not alone. Your family needs to support you also. They need to encourage you to do the right thing and put your mother where she will get the best care and give you some relief. There is just so much that you can do. I hear so many stories like this from other families. You are not selfish because you want to save your marriage. Don't let anyone tell you that you are. Your mental health and happiness are worth something. Believe me, I have been ther and still struggle with some issues. Be strong and do what you know is best for you and your mother. She might be screaming all the way to the facility; but, deep in your heart you know it is the best thing to do. She will eventually accept it; especially when you show her that you didn't abandon her. You will still need to visit, call, take over some of her favorite food, flowers, etc. She will do fine,
I promise!!! I know your pain and your guilt. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that it will all work out. Take that step and get the family involved. You will be glad you did.

Wow you sound like such a devoted and caring daughter that anyone would love to have as their daughter. I am not sure what to say but to hang in there because you are doing an excellent job and going above and behind what anyone could ever possibly ask for.There are some agencies who have caregivers that you pay if your mom would allow it and the funds hold out. I think that this could give you an opportunity to sneak away at times and have some alone time or some time with friends if at all possible. I hope for the best for you.

I totally understand your misery!!! My 85 yr-old mother isn't happy unless she's criticizing, arguing or putting something or someone down. There is also an international conspiracy to rearrange, throw away, spill, misplace and keep her locked in the house. Oh, by-the-way, she has never, I repeat NEVER made a mistake. If you don't believe me, ask her.
I understand your pain. I am an only child and my 87 yr-old father passed away a few months ago. I quit my job to help take care of him after two strokes. Hospice was a huge help. I had hoped that after he passed away that she would be "easier to take" in that she would be the center of attention. I was wrong! She does take a "stress medicine", celexa. It helps, however she only takes it when she thinks shes stressed. I take her where ever she wants to go. She has a wheelchair due to the fact that she is very unstable on her feet. She wants to drive....she can't stand up alone, is deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other one and has limited vision.
No matter what I do she yells at me and criticizes whatever it is I am attempting to do for her. I know that some of her anger and frustration is because of her aging and her constant, "word search" for what she wants to say. She has also developed a long list of conditions that she has diagnosed. She has so much anger and I am the sole recipient. I am searching for some sort of help. She won't go anywhere with anyone but me. Other family members have offered to help, she won't have any part of it. They have come to the conclusion that it's easier to leave her alone and just call and check on her occasionally. I tend to agree with them.
I hear and feel your pain. I wish I had some great advice. All I can offer is an outlet to scream and holler and cuss like a sailor if you like. I'll remember you in my thoughts and prayers and if I come across some great idea or solution for caregivers that have totally lost their minds, I'll let you know. We could start a group "Crazy Caregivers Unite". What do you think?
I hope the best for you and your mother.

Wow am I glad I find this place...there are more people like me out there...sounds terrible but thank goodness, Logic somewhere in me figured I wasn't the only one to be going through this, but it is an incrediably isolating place to be in being a caregiver. Today is a new day, and I woke up with a new attitude to take control, I announced to mum and hubby that we are going out today, no more staying at home. I'm off to chch with mum in tow, she tried to argue, but I said nup, we're going because I want to go shopping!!! She started on how I hate pushing the wheelchair etc, I said, actually I love that wheelchair I just have a few issues with it not wanting to fold up and go easily in the car. Today I will be in control...fingers crossed it will last..Thank you so much for your posts, it really has perked me up.

Rubyjkat, while my Mom is not nasty to me, I can relate to the controlling unhappy and complaining ways that can drive a sane person into the rubber room! You have done what 3 people probably couldn't do, but I caution you about giving up your life for hers. When they are gone, what will we have and we don't want to end up like them. Sounds to me, you need outside help, and make it clear to her that she has no choice, you're doing this for her and you.
My Dad is really exercising his meaness, I warned him that if he continues to yell at me and be disrespectful to me and the NH staff I would not visit him under those circumstances. Well upon a 2 week vacation from him, as soon as I walked in the door, he started yelling that he asked for a drink and they gave him a different drink, I mean YELLING. I tried to speak quietly with him but he wanted everyone to hear, so I said good bye until you get back to treating me with dignity.
Sometimes, no many times we have to be the ones who control the wheel, especially when our own health and lives are involved.
I hope for the best decision for your mom and for YOURSELF...your husband needs you too!

RUBY:

You don't owe her squat and there's no reason why caring for her should be your Purgatory. Right now, she's just a smaller, somewhat disabled version of her old abusive self; which explains your sister doesn't want anything to do with her. I wouldn't either.

Her marbles are obviously intact, so she'll keep pushing your buttons until you do something you don't want to do. Then she'll play the victim, make you feel guilty, and until the day she passes you'll be atoning for being such a "bad, ungrateful daughter." In a nutshell, she'll own you; doormat and all.

Make her an offer she won't be able to refuse: either she cooperates and be nice or face or be sent away. For now, get some NH brochures and ask her which one she'd like to go to within 48 hours.

Might sound heartless, but there's nothing like reclaiming your self-respect.

You can't make people be happy. You have to take care of yourself. No matter what you would do for your mother, ti probably wouldn't be enough. I say again, you can't make people, any people, be happy.

OMG!!! I feel your pain. Our Mom is 83 years old and in her eyes my sister and I never do or did anything right. We try so hard to be good daughters, but it's sometimes just so hard with all the criticism we get constantly. She complains constantly and tells us how fat we are or how our decorating is awful bacause we choose not to have the sterile hospital look she likes. She tells us how our hair should look or the color should be bright yellow white like hers. Our Mom is always right. She's never wrong and she thinks she is 20 years old. She kinda dresses like a young girl. Tight jeans with short tops and big heals. We try so hard for her to start wearing flattter more comfortable shoes, but we are nuts. We are always nuts and always wrong in her eyes. Everyone knows how she is. It's so sad that people know how she is and she chooses to always be mean. I refuse to be like her or treat my kids like she treats us. She can barely walk anymore, but argues constantly with us about her shoes. She thought she was always healthy and never needed to go to the doctor. Just because she takes vitamins and won't eat red meat does not mean she shouldn't go get check ups, We could see the decline in her, but we are crazy in her eyes. So we made a doctor appointment without her knowing and the day we took her shopping we drove her to the doctor. She wouldn't get out of the car. She started biting, kicking and swearing at us. A nurse had to come out to get her. Once we were in the office she was screaming at how horrible of daughters we are and we are so fat that we need a doctor. I was never so embarrased and not just for us, but for her. Sure we can stand to loose a few pounds, but she makes us sound like we are elephants. My sister is crying and between the 2 of us we are extremely stressed. I think I have aged faster than I should because of what our Mother has put us through. Come to find out after many other doctors is our Mom has a bad heart valve, she has a low thyroid and bad dementia, but we are crazy and she says there is not a thing wrong with her. That the doctors are nuts. She tells the doctor she has never had a cold. Yes she has. In July we all took our Mom out for dinner for her birthday and we are glad we did cause 4 days later she had a breathing problem where she lost oxygen and her dementia got worst. It's because of her heart problem. Her valve doesn't open and close properly. After that our Mom could not be home alone so this is when we had to look for a facility for her. We live in Az and found a place called Citadel, but she wouldn't stay there. It was a beautiful place with the nicest people living there, but she didn't like all the old people. She doesn't like to be with old people. My sister and I hired movers and we decorated her new place as close as her house. It looked beautiful, but she hated it. She yelled at us telling us we had no right. She said we stole all her stuff. We know she has dementia, but the old Mom was still there. Dementia or no dementia. She had no clue what she was doing to us and never did. She'd started packing up her stuff. She wanted to go home. We understand it's hard to leave your home, but she needed round the clock care. My sister and I have families also. She got so mean to the people at Citadel that they had to put her in a hospital that was locked down for people with mental disorders just so they can figure out the proper medication she needs and to get her stable.. While she was there we had to find a place that would take her. We looked everywhere. We saw some of the most horrible nursing homes that smelled so bad. We saw horrible group homes. It took awhile, but we found her the most wonderful group home. A doctor owns a few beautiful homes and they take great care of our Mom. Recently the heart problem has taken a toll on her and she now has full blown Altzheimers. She doesn't even know who my sister and I are anymore and has reverted back to being a baby. It's the sadest thing I have ever seen and I just do not like going to see her. It's horrible. My sister and I have gone through alot with our Mom. She was a mean, sometimes evil person to get along with her whole life. She was still our Mom and we tried, but theres is only so much you can do when you have a Mom like ours. It's really sad when her own grandchildren wouldn't even have anything to do with her because they saw what she was doing to there own Mom. There were days I would come home hysterical and couldn't control the crying and my son saw me like that. He never has forgiven his grandmother for treating me like I was nothing. I know I shouldn't say this, but I'm finally feeling better not having the criticism thrown at me anymore. I will always have that hurt in me that will never go away. I do not choose to take after my Mom at all and choose to be the best Mom there is to my kids. I choose to tell them how wonderful and proud of them I am and to always tell them I love them. I didn't learn that from my Mom. I also choose to one day be the best Grandma I can because My Mom didn't know how to do that either. I will pray for each and everyone of you.

Except for the stroke you could be talking about my mother. Luckily I have 3 sisters who all agreed that the best place for Mom was an assisted living, but being the oldest she blames me for her miserable existence. She has always been a narcissistic, manipulative individual. With age, 81, she's has increased the petty meanness that has always been there but is now more overt. After the second time she hung up on me, I decided I was done. I told her that until she could have an adult conversation, including agreeing to disagree I would no longer call her.

With the help of a therapist I now realize that I can not make her happy no matter what I do. It's been 5 weeks since I've talked to her and my siblings are ok with this. I check up on how she is doing through them and still handling some things for her with the blessings of my sisters.

I grieve for the mother I wish I had had, but realize that at this late date it isn't going to happen. I can say that she has taught me, though her less than stellar example, how to be a better mother to my adult children and I thank God for that blessing.