How to help kids through grief?

TX, I am so sorry you are going through this.

My mil passed when my boys were about 12 , 10, 5 and 2 I don't believe I handle it well at all

My whole family was extremely close to her. She was my first experience with dieing and I was devastated. It was very quick. One day I'm begging her to the doctors, doctor put her in hospital, diagnosed her with cancer, went into a coma the next day.

I honestly can't tell you what to do.
But I can help with what not to do.

Don't , get so lost in your own pain, and don't think they are ok, no matter how much they are acting normal.

It sucks, but I should of exspecially put my oldest exspecially before my pain

He went down, deep into the teenage rebellion and drug rabbit hole.

I should of giving him much more support and got him counseling,

In the end, everything turned out amazing. He works for the state for mental health, wonderful family.

But it was rough.

Sorry about your loss. I commened you for thinking about this in your period of grief

I will suggest counseling for them, even talk to the school counselor. And maybe get yourself counseling so your stronger to help them.

Best of luck, my deepest condolences. 🙏😔

The following is a link to an in depth article discussing how to help children thru the grief process:

https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/children-and-grief/guidelines-for-helping-grieving-children#:~:text=Keep%20lines%20of%20conversation%20open,available%20to%20listen%20and%20help.

My condolences on the loss of your FIL. Best of luck to you.

I think kids might be afraid that if they talk about grandpa they are going to "hurt" you, make you cry, make you sad. So they may say nothing.
Talk about grandpa.
Talk about the fun things they did, what he taught them, how he was as you knew him in his younger years.
Tell your kids that they can still talk to him, they just have to listen harder for him to answer.
there is a saying...A soldier dies twice, once on the battle field and again when his name is spoken for the last time. So keep grandpa alive by talking about him, making his favorite meal, getting his favorite ice cream.
There are plenty of books about dealing with grief, check your local library (remember that brick building with all the books?)
there are many more resources now than when I was a kid. (my Mom died when I was about 11 and we had no one to talk to about it, our Dad was as lost as we were. Another story for another day...)

My girls always took death well. Maybe because I grew up being taught it was part of life. I got talked out of allowing my 5 yr old to go to my SILs father's funeral. She and he had a special bond. She did make him a Heart with I love you on it and I thru it in the grave after he was lowered. I have lost my father and mother and my girls older, excepted their deaths. The youngest was 5 when a favorite Aunt passed. This time I took her to the funeral. My husband took her up to the coffin and picked her up to show her my Aunt. He then took her to the back of the Church where she sat quietly. If she had gotten upset, we would have taken her outside. She excepted because we did. Let them ask questions. Don't undermind how they feel. Talk about the good things. They live on in our hearts.

I’m sorry for your loss. In my experience, it’s best to talk and talk more about the person lost, the happy memories, the fact they will be missed, and what will be missed about them. Don’t shelter them from anything about death as it is a part of life they will always deal with. My parents always took my siblings and me to funerals while we were growing up. I’m grateful for this as it was natural and not scary for me. As a teen, I learned friends had been kept away from death and funerals and were terrified of all of it. You can get good books on their grade level to read and use the guidance counselor at their school for help as well. My children were very close to my dad, their beloved grandfather. They still miss him greatly, but are glad to talk about him with smiles and laughter with the good memories. I wish you and yours healing and peace

I am so thankful that he wasn't driving! How good to go suddenly.

I would tell the kids, who are kind of inbetween very young and teens something to this effect:
"You know, granddad was older; he had a whole entire long long life, and he's so lucky in that. And at the end he didn't have much suffering. He was here and happy one moment and then gone. And while that's great for grand, it is pretty shocking for us, because we had no time to prepare ourselves.
Old age can be really tough. You lose a lot of abilities, and you grieve a lot of losses. And Granddad doesn't have to face that now. I am hoping you can be a little relieved for him even though you grieve for yourself that you will miss him, and that he won't be there to be so proud of you as you grow. I hope you remember he loved you, and you will try to make him proud. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad. If you want to talk about him we can. If you don't want to don't. He would be happiest if you can just go on living your life; that would make him easy in his heart."

They say that kids when young mostly worry about this: "OK, granddad died. What if MOM and DAD does. WHAT ABOUT US". Children are dependent and by nature they worry about THEMSELVES." They need to be reassured that there will always be someone caring for THEM while they need it.

I am sorry for your loss. Do your best. You can do no more.

Try to get the kids into crafting or hobbies they might enjoy. Time heals. They need to have more fun since they are going through grownup situations. Maybe taking them to fun holiday activities during Halloween. So very sorry for your loss. As an only child, I was experiencing funerals while being very young. It's confusing for children. Religion can help, but also cause them to question mortality more.

My niece was 12 when my dad died. My sister had taken her over to be with her and my parents. When he died, and after, she was attuned mainly to what my sister did.

AS a school counselor, I always found that "Art", such as drawing or painting, was a very helpful tool to assist children in expressing their Grief. Poster boards or even a roll of "butcher paper" and lots of colored pens and pencils, could be very beneficial to your children express their grief at the loss of Granddad. Perhaps all three could work together on a long mural of the life of their Grandfather. In schools, "Art" is so very often used as a means of expressing strong emotion. Like Alva, I am grateful that your FIL was not driving a car at the moment of Cardiac Arrest.

Reach out to your children's schools Social worker and Counselor. They have the resources and knowledge of community services to help with any grief counseling available. They will be able to assist you with in house services too. Some schools, depending on State, provide during school or after school groups that help with grief processes and any other needs that are needed during a difficult event.

TXmomof3: Their school counselors would be great resources.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I may not be able to provide much in the form of grief counseling for children once they lose a loved one. However, what I wrote about the subject when a loved one falls prey to dementia may be of some help. I copy paste from my book "Dementia Care Companion"

Children and Dementia
When a loved one is afflicted with dementia, the lives of close family members undergo profound changes. The upheaval in the family and the associated stress and exhaustion create an environment where the needs of other vulnerable family members may go unmet. Children are especially vulnerable to the toxic effects of chronic stress and grief in the family, and require extra care and attention.

Talking to Children
A close encounter with dementia can trigger a flood of emotions in children: distress at the prospect of losing someone close to them, fear that other loved ones or themselves will fall victim to dementia, and guilt that they are the cause of their loved one’s illness.
·      Explain to children that their loved one’s behavior changes and speech impairment are not on purpose, or directed at them, and are caused by dementia.
·      Ask how they feel about their loved one’s illness. Listen carefully to their answers to learn about their concerns and fears. Provide comfort and reassurance accordingly.
·      Adjust your explanations to the children’s age, maturity, and tolerance levels. Answer their questions clearly and truthfully. Assure them that you are ready to answer any other questions that they may have, now or in the future.
·      Some children may hide their distress and unhappiness, and pretend to be unaffected by their loved one’s illness. Talk to them about their feelings and what’s going on in the family, while respecting their way of dealing with the situation.
·      Teenagers may seem preoccupied with their own affairs and spend more time in their own rooms, alone. This may be a defense mechanism in the face of intractable problems of dementia. While respecting their privacy, assure them that you love them and they can talk to you if they want, at any time.
·      Encourage children to keep a diary. Writing about their feelings can be therapeutic and can help them organize their thoughts and sort out their feelings.

If a Child Has Difficulty Coping
Watch for signs that a child is having trouble coping. Dementia forces children to confront emotional challenges that can grow overwhelming over time. Pay attention to chronic feelings of:
·      Grief about what has happened to someone they love
·      Anxiety about what will happen to their loved one
·      Frustration at the patient’s repeated questions and stories
·      Embarrassment at their loved one’s strange behaviors in front of their friends
·      Confusion over changing roles: having to care for someone who used to care for them
·      Despair that all the efforts expended in caring for their loved one is in vain
·      Anger that their parents are busy caring for someone else and cannot spend enough time with them.
If a child acts up, has disturbing dreams, or complains about a vague pain, they may be suffering from anxiety disorder. Other warning signs include having difficulty concentrating in school, and poor or deteriorating academic performance. If necessary, inform their school counselor about dementia in the family.

A very good friend of mine bought a plant for her young grandsons to take care of in memory of their mum. She said that when they missed their mum and wished they could talk to her, that they could sit by the plant and talk to her. They decorated the pot with pebbles they painted in colours they thought their mum would have liked and wrote Mum on with felt tip pens.

The plant wasn't the most robust, and my friend had to replace it, without letting the boys know. So, if you try this, make sure you buy hardy plants that children can take care of easily.

Drawing pictures or writing memories can really help children make sense of their emotions and find a way to say goodbye. So, I would recommend doing that, as well.

Google GREATER GOOD.
It is an excellent resource for these things (grief and much more).
I get their emails weekly. Here is a partial listing of their grief articles.
They have a lot of information how to talk to children, in general. Gena

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