My mom moved in with my family and I last May. She decided to separate from my step father after 29 years of marriage. Honestly I don’t know why it took her that long because the relationship was very unhealthy. Now she is in the process of filing for divorce. My mother is not very independent and cannot drive, that coupled with her health issues (past heart attack, bypass surgery, type II diabetes, and memory issues) concerns me. I am not sure where she will go from here. I feel selfish because I think she should move into her own place and possibly receive some assistance that my family is unable to provide. She is 71 and still mobile, but very dependent on us for transportation and companionship (she has few friends), she has fallen a few times due to our house having a 2nd level but no broken bones. Both my husband and I work full time and have three children living at home (two college aged) and one minor. It’s a lot and I am conflicted on how to proceed. Appreciate any advice. Thank you
Do not promise Mom she can live there for good. Always tell her "Mom you know this is not a permanent fix. You r going to need a place of your own and resources."
Assisted living does seem a good choice for her. But they are expensive. Medicaid rarely pays for it. With her divorcing that means her finances are up in the air. The only income she can depend on is what she receives in SS and any pension she may receive. There is low income apts and those that HUD subsidizes. I would start looking for something. At 71 she could live a while longer.
You can take her to appointments if you are available, but when you cannot, you can help her arrange rides. If a "Responsible Party" is needed and you cannot be there, you may have to hire a higher level home health aide or nurse. That can be expensive, but the choice is your time or some money.
Since this is a 'step' dad, maybe your feelings are not so deep as if it were your bio dad. IDK.
Mom is not so old she needs babysitting and having her live with you is not healthy for you, your marriage or your kids. Or mom.
It is kind of you to have her live with you while she sorts things out. But she needs to KNOW that this is temporary. That must be made clear, even tho it's an awful conversation to have.
An ALF with a moderate level of support would probably be best. I have a friend who checked HERSELF into assisted living. Making that choice on her own made it an easier move. She stopped driving, relying upon the 'grocery runs' that the ALF provides and eating most of her meals in the common dining room. She's very active in a lot of activities, esp the service-based ones (tying quilts for refugees, making baby blankets, etc). Her QOL improved dramatically when she moved.
Since mom doesn't drive, she would enjoy the bus services, I'd think.
I guess you do have to wait and see how the divorce settles out. It's good for you to be there for her during that time, but, no, don't let her make this permanent.
Kids of any age need their folks--my girls needed me MORE when they were in college than when they were younger.
Don't overload mom right now with a search for a different living arrangement, but you can do your own research, so when the time comes it isn't so hard on her. Sounds like she does need your input, minimally.
Good Luck with this! I hope mom comes out happier when the dust has settled.
The choice between IL and AL would depend on how much help she needs. And most communities will also have Memory Care as well (you mentioned memory issues)
She will meet people and get involved with activities.
Then, get to work on the divorce process....the elder law group may have a partner who does divorce work, or will be able to recommend a couple of local attorneys who do well in these cases. Sometimes you. have to spend more money to get something done right the first time...trying to do the bare minimum due to cost usually ends up creating an emotional, financial, and legal tangle.
I write from the perspective of spending 4 years as a protective service caseworker, and saw this process from the inside.It is rocky, at best.
If you consult with an elder law attorney that has different advice, and that seems reasonable to you, take it.
Getting her own assets will make it clear what the housing choices are. Facilities cost money.
Getting her on a waiting list for HUD subsidized housing is worth a try, if they are accepting new applicants. Can take years to get a place, though.
Call your local area on agency - use that as a search term - and find out about what services are available. They can do a phone consult with you, so you get information to be thinking about. They. may be able to provide her with some in house help or transportation, or rides to and from the senior center. Even if she is sitting on the sidelines there, she is still around other people and will get to know faces and sit in on programs and she might find something that gets her interest. She does need to 'go out to her own place' a couple of days/week..for the sake of your family and their needs.
Take good care of you, your marriage, and your kids.
Find an AL for your mom that also has a Memory Care wing or building which she can segue into if necessary. Providing she will have the funds to self pay, that goes without saying. Assisted Living is like camp for needy elders who are unused to doing for themselves. They CAN do for themselves if they want to, but they don't have to; they can go down to the dining room for 3 meals a day & have the mini bus take them where they want to go (for the most part). They can make friends & schmooze the days away with activities galore. It's really the best answer for mom's like ours, who depend on others to function. #Truth
Living with us hampers OUR life and also stymies THEM, when you think about it. We feel like they're impinging on our sacred space and they hone in on those feelings we're having, so nobody wins. In AL, they get autonomy. Their own space that they can do what they want with. It's a win-win, yet you'll hear others around here tell you how 'horrible' ALs are and how horrible YOU are for even suggesting such a thing for the sainted creature who was in labor with you for 89 agonizing hours. Hogwash. AL is the answer to everyone's problems. It's like a hotel with caregivers on site as needed. And a doctor who comes in to see the elders on a weekly basis! And a beauty parlor and and and.
Best of luck!
My ex was self pay for 3 years, then his money ran out,and they let him stay in his old room for just his SS.
I wouldn't mind having a one bedroom in either place. Oh, wait, I don't want to be in the same one as my ex :-D