How to help a lonely 88 year old mom who has outlived family and friends?

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How to help a lonely 88 year old mom who has outlived family and friends?

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I am an only child doing my best to visit my mother every other day, cook for her, listen to her complain how lonely and miserable she is. She lives in her house, which is not fancy but nice. My mother doesn't have any grandkids, just a 56 year old daughter who is doing her best. I talk to her about going to a nice Assisted Living facility in our area. She doesn't want that. She looks out the window of her house and sees life moving forward, but since she had a small health issue last December, she has given up. Up until then, she was sooooo active. My father has been deceased for 15 years. I only stayed with her one night and that's the day he passed away at home. Very strong and independent (well, use to be). She has had so many loved ones and friends die, and I really never saw her cry. She never dwelt on things or too much of a worrier. If something happened, it would upset her and then move on. After she had that health scare last December (fainted with a bleeding ulcer we didn't know she had), she hasn't been the same. She doesn't go anywhere, but to the beauty parlor once a week. It takes her hours to do that. (not physically but in her head). She worries about everything. She use to love watching tv (soaps, Dancing with the Stars, etc). Nothing. Just kind of lays in the bed. I'm not a doctor, but I think she suffers from depression and an anxiety disorder. I have gotten her some meds when all of this started, but she will not take them. She says she will be a zombie. I have a wonderful husband, but I am not going to burden him with all of these details. When he sees her every several weeks, she said she looks good. She does. Truly, the problem is not physical. Sometimes, I just need to share this with someone who is experiencing similar things. My colleagues are all young so I really don't have any one to relate to. Thanks for the forum.

Aging in Place Depression Loneliness Working Caregiver

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HelpPlease1963: You're welcome. Thought I had said "you're welcome" before, but now don't see it.

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I totally understand what your going thru. Your not alone. My mom is 92. She is out living everyone except one sister and her husband. I'm the only child also visiting daily. Missing one or two days to get some rest. My mom lives at an assisted living facility and hates it. Some days are pleasant but she is forced to adhere to their schedule. My mom can still do for herself and needs minimal assistance. The schedule of the home health aides bothering her is grueling. One time she wanted to take her own shower and the aide called the nurse to see my mother. We were furious. My mother was humiliated. My mother was so upset at being observed as she was about to shower. The list goes on and on. Depression at their age is normal. It's very hard for them because an entire life they knew is gone. Try to find something she likes doing to keep her from thinking too much. Try to keep your mom busy with visual projects. Go over photo albums with her. Old videos of TV shows from her era and pics of the actors and actresses from her day. You will see a difference in her expression. Don't remove her from home if she is physically ok, but try to get her out to senior centers. Outings would be good for her. Being in a facility at this point would depress her more I think. Get creative with her at home. That will take the pressure off the both of you. You'll see. Stay strong. It hurts to see them change, but we can't stop it, I have come to accept it. It has been very painful to see my mom suffer emotionally. Without God I couldn't do this. My heart goes out to you. Your in my prayers.

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Thank you ; sometimes I feel so alone in this because all of my contemporaries have you feeling parents . You are so right, if it wad or God and prayer, I couldn’t make it . Thank you again for your words .

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I have lots of experience of many years with the above situation. I can offer this advice for you. First of all, thank you for caring and do everything possible. But YOU must realize something. It does NOT matter why the behavior and mentally is horrible - if it appears and it is affecting YOUR life, then you have to decide what you are going to do about it if you can't fix it. That means - stay active and slowly be destroyed and have your life impacted even though now it is YOUR time to live and believe me, it will happen and you can't undo the damages or you have to be strong and say, enough is enough and find a way to either have the person fully cared for by someone who is capable and able to put up with things or the person has to be placed. Once your life is negatively impacted and your life damaged, you have to think of you - if you don't, you will not get another chance to live a normal life. But try everything possible first.

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Hi HelpPlease1963, I’m so sorry that your Mom is whiny in mornings. That would definitely get my blood pressure boiling since I’m not a morning person. Fortunately, my Mom sleeps a lot in the morning. In fact, I try not to call her before noon because she sounds agitated or as if I woke her up. :). She wasn’t always like that and worked since the tender age of 16 and would always be up at 7am for work until her last year of working at age 76. Anyway, my Mom is more depressed during winter and cold weather. She gets better in Spring and then gets sad again the beginning of Summer. Recently, I haven’t been able to get her to any doctor appointments since September due to it being “too cold” and now she sounds like she is suffering from a UTI. ‘Sighhhh’ I talked to her doctor so hopefully I’ll get her to see him soon. Have you tried ignoring your Mom in mornings, unless for an emergency? I know that sounds heartless, but if you’re at work, there’s not much you can do about the whining. Our Moms are like children now and we’re like the parents, but I have a hard time transitioning since my Mom was always a strong, dominant and often over parenting type. Praying for you and your family.

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My mother was like your mom before our new lives happened. I always appreciate your responses and input . Thank you and Merry Christmas

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Are you, or was your mom, invlved with a church at all? Try your Area Agency on Aging. See if you can find someone who will come to her home to talk. It might help her just to talk to someone totally unbiased who will talk to her on her level as a person (no criticism intended!). It can make a huge difference; totally dfferent dynamics.

Don’t ask her. When they come just act like it was their idea. Then leave them alone. Just go in another room so she (and you) feel safe with them alone together.

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we have gone to church our entire lives . He church or Sunday school members really don’t call or check on her . Maybe one good good man . I ran into mom’s Sunday school teacher and she asked me what was going on with my mom . I told her to call mom. The old battle ax , said it wouldn’t do any good . Well that is how I feel . We all fall short of siding what’s right . Me , every day, but this holier than thou woman really make me ill . Thanks for the advise on the aging , but my mother’s situation, is that it would work . Thanks again for your words .

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Oh my goodness, my Mom does the same thing. I’ll bring extra food for a few days when the weather is expected to be bad and she complains that I brought her ‘ALL this food’. But I’ve gradually learned to ignore her when she complains or is critical of my food. Made Chili, too much ground meat. Made chicken tetrazzini, too much chicken. Sometimes I hit the nail squarely on the head and she eats without complaining. If I don’t, well, too bad is what I say to myself because no one else is cooking. I get bitter sometimes thinking about how much I do, but I try to put myself in her shoes and realize that her brain and mental state is causing this problem. I just pray that things would improve or get better. It’s tough every day, but I just take one day at a time. Just keep pushing and praying, and don’t be afraid to release anger instead of keeping it in until the boiling point. You did the right thing and maybe she will see how much you’re sacrificing to save her from herself.

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Wow! Here you go with mirroring my situation. I so appreciate your responses. It does help so much . Thank you

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I know it’s tough, as I was dealing with the same things that you described, except my Mom hasn’t come out directly to say she wants to live with me and my husband. I think she likes and accepts being alone now because she doesn’t put up any protest after my hour and a half visits. I still have to work full-time and starting March 2020, it will get pretty hard for me to get to cook and visit without being exhausted or late in the day. I would say to give her some time to accept the way things will be or maybe encourage volunteer work. I hear volunteering helps lift the spirit. Also, because she is alone in the dark at times, you may have to engage a local crisis group (hotline), as it really sounds like the beginnings of a major depressive episode. That’s what I had to do in 2013 and 2015 and both times helped and it gave me a much needed respite. I haven’t had one since 2015. I can relate to you that I visit and call daily. I laughed when you said hug and kiss because I give my Mom a kiss and say love you, which never happened growing up.

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Mom volunteered for 28 years at our local hospital. She gave 20 gallons of blood. She use to make the best coconut pies to give people ( I always said it was her ministry) . Now nothing . Everything is so overwhelming to her . I went over today and since it is suppose to ice tonight, I wanted to make sure she had extra food if she wanted it . I stopped by a local restaurant and got her some fried okra, black eyed peas and hush puppies . I had also had cooked for her . Note, growing up my mother was very critical of me . She wanted me to be perfect and I never really could please her . For my dad , I never could do wrong . I guess that is why I was somewhat balanced . Lol . Since this depression/anxiety year for my mother has happened , I will loose my cool with her now if she criticizes me . It’s been a long time since I’ve actually thrown a fit , until today . I walked in with this extra food and she started chattering . She began to be critical of why did I get her all this stuff . Etc . I went bananas . Kinda threw a tantrum and went to go sit in my car . I know her brain is broken but I told her that she really doesn’t care what she says to me . No regard on how I’m giving her so much of myself and taking away from my husband and my job for her to be critical. I really don’t think I would react so negatively if hadn’t been a lifetime trying to please get her approval ( only child syndrome ) I felt better and I did apologize. One of the biggest things in all of this is that she can not cry . She says she would feel better if she could only cry . I’ve cried for both of us , but it does help. I guess I shed tears every day. Maybe that helps keep my mental states in check. I am not depressed. My health is great and I have a lot of physical energy. Just her constant complaining is So emotionally draining. Thanks for your earlier response.

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It is devastating to see our parents age like this. Yes, they feel useless and some give up.

I’m so sorry. Hugs!

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I see the effect this is having on you and I think you will have to accept that you may have to place her before you are destroyed and all things around you are negatively impacted. I see this over and over again with old people. I personally do not understand them. I will be 86 in about a week. I still drive, handle 99.9% of all my personal affairs, don't have a living soul - family/friends - all passed on, only my dear kitty. I have tons of hobbies, just finished six years of on-line college courses, four years of computer training, do art work, learn new things daily and am very, very active even though I am disabled. Even if I can't do something or don't want to, I force myself to to it anyway - but I am a fish out of water. Perhaps something can be given to her in a medical sense but unfortunately the aging process is kicking in.

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You are very special! Thank you for brightening my day. 😊

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If she does suffer from depression - clinical or otherwise - she must take her medication. She should NOT move in with you and your husband.

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Thank you

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I caught the phrase giving up. Could depression be a factor in her situation? Her mood keeping her from doing things and being as active as she was previously. Is she able to get out? How about encouraging her to go to a senior center or out for local activities geared for seniors? Have you spoken with her primary care physician regarding this change? Maybe they could help. How about a caregivers support group for you to help you cope with this? Please remember to take care of yourself while dealing with all of this.

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Thank you ; it is very difficult for her to get going . She wants to do studf but it is very hard . Hard to make decisions, she feels everyone is against her, she worries about literally everything, she has so many regrets . I have tried with she doctor . She prescribed meds on several occasions but my mother will it take them . She is afraid . It is really sad . All she wants to do is move in with my husband and I and it is not an option. It is almost daily and she tells me this and I tell her no. I hate telling her no. She just won’t listen or comprehend. There is a very nice Assisted living in our area in which she knows people, not so much her friends but she just will not do it . She and I are both stuck. Thank you for your input .

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Thanks for sharing your concerns about your Mom. You are taking proactive steps to help your Mom. I’m in the same boat. It started in 2013, when my Mom had what seemed like a nervous breakdown because her depression came on so suddenly and she was soooo active. I am the youngest and was always pretty close and engaged in my Mom’s life since childhood (after the divorce). Anyway, my Mom is physically healthy, but she became depressed and hasn’t been the same since. She was hospitalized for severe depression several months, but after treatment she recovered enough to return home and live independently. Me and my husband live just 10 min away and I visit every other day, cook meals and do her grocery/necessity shopping. Also, meals on wheels brings food, but she doesn’t like to socialize and the tv watches her most of the time. She doesn’t want to go to adult daycare, AL, or anything, not even shopping. The only outing we have is during doctors appointment, funerals and lunch following that. Sadly, I haven’t had any luck with in home nursing and care following a few recent fainting episodes due to dehydration. So it’s been pretty much just us, with the occasional call from my sisters. So bottom line, this is not an easy fix and may be a long term process. I love my Mom so much that I get upset thinking about what happens next, but know that we’re closer to that ‘next’ phase. So, I think we’re in the same boat and I wish I had more positive news or ideas to share; but reality is that there aren’t many since it depends on your loved one’s level of interest. Please feel free to message me if you come across any new ideas, or just want to chat. God Bless You And Your Mom.

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Wow! It’s like a mirror of my life . My mother was hospitalized 56 years ago with post pardum Depression. My family who knew all the details and who helped her getting into a hospital are all dead . I have run the gamut with her for one year tomorrow. I’ve cried countless times , cussed , prayed countless times, visited her at least 182 times year and cooked or carried meals to her at least 182 times too. Not to mention , probably 4,000 phone calls to talk for a minute or two and check on her so to help her loneliness or to listen to her .These 365 days have not all been bad . There have been good things come from it . We tell each other we love each time we talk; about 4,000 times this year . Growing up we never said it . We have hugged and kissed each other at every visit 182 times . We never did that either . It is a very lonely journey . It seems like we are all alone with this . I have a wonderful husband who just can’t handle stuff like this so I limit the gory details . He kind of went through some Ollie this with his mother, not to this magnitude, but they did not have a good relationship. So I want to protect time . I told my mother , literally, I would die first than to burden him with this . He sees her about ever two to three weeks . When she is around him , she kinda of seems normal. Boy, we use to have a lot of fun with my mother . She never complained, was the life of the party and til of her self. She has always been a hyper person with lots of energy. If I can get her out of the house , she can still walk as fast as I can . The problem is that her brain is broken an she doesn’t have any friends. Loneliness is a bad , bad thing. She use to love to watch her soaps, Judge Judy , and the bachelor. Now nothing. She will turn the tv on when I come over . A lot of times when I go over , she is laying on top of her bed with not lights or sound in the house . I’ll lay down with her and hug her for the amount of time I’m there . I usually stay over there for about an hour and half each visit . Im sorry for carrying on. It is just nice to see someone how can relate .
thank you for that

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Put her in adult day care, that’s what I did and my mother loves it!

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I wish my mom would have agreed to senior activities but she simply wouldn’t go to the senior community center. I’m so glad your mom has cooperated and enjoys it.

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Sounds to me that this is a time for try before you buy action, ie for your mother to go into Respite care for a few weeks, better still, a month. Mixing with people of a similar age, doing daily activities in a structured environment provides some purpose to residents lives. It would also give you some time to recharge your batteries!
Carers need to be cared for too, but the only people who can do that are we carers ourselves. My husband is bi polar 2, my experience is that dealing with depressed and or anxious people is indeed a challenge, perhap not in the league of dementia like my mother, but no less draining. If you feel depressed see your GP for assessment, the right medication can do wonders. It will also need behaviour modification on your part as well, but it does mean you can be more effective in dealing with your mother. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away for either of you.

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Years back when my sister died suddenly, my mom was prescribed an antidepressant which she took for short time (days?) then discontinued saying that it made her “feel like a zombie”. I wondered why her physician didn’t start her out gradually and explain exactly how long it would take to reach an effective blood level and then explain a need to be monitored for effectiveness. The right physician should be able to talk to your mom and get her on board with her recovery. A struggle of tiny little steps forward, then back, and then results that are not immediately apparent.

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True. It’s fear of the unknown for them.

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Sometimes things happen all at once and can be overwhelming. It could be an incident or something that someone says or just a time in life where one begins reflecting on the past and at the same time, considering the future. It may look bleak enough to not want to face it. Many people come to this place at some time in their lives and it can be very frightening. A resulting change in personality will affect not only the person who is going through this metamorphis, but those who are in constant contact. This can be very disturbing to an adult child, who has always relied on the adult parent. All of a sudden, the roles are reversed - the parent wants the child to become the parent. This can be especially difficult for an only child - there are no siblings to share the burden with.

Your description of your Mother leads me to believe that this may not be a forever thing; that she may snap out of this, given a bit of time and (more) patience. Since this began at the time of her hospitalization, I am only guessing that a Doctor, Nurse or someone, perhaps another patient, may have said something that triggered her feelings of anxiety and foreboding. As for the meds refusal - I would tell her that as far as becoming a zombie - to you, she already is and that you had hoped the medication would bring her back to what you perceive to be her "normal self." Keep trying to make her understand that for her sake and yours, she needs to TRY to help herself; you cannot do it for her, but you will help her as long as she tries to help herself. At 88, your Mom may not be around for too much longer. I can understand your concern about wanting her to be happy. That is how you will want to remember her.

You are an intelligent, caring daughter. A parent would be proud to have you as their child. Hang in there; I have a feeling that things will get better, rather than worse.

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Your Mom needs a "purpose". If she were around people some, she may find out that she actually can come alive again. Try asking a couple of seniors from a nearby church to visit with her just to see if this helps. Also, I know your Mom has most likely heard about how some of those medications can "dope" people up more than anything and if you don't have a good doctor, that can happen. Just get referrals and tell the doctor what her concerns are as far as the zombie feeling and tell him she needs something for the depression/anxiety. It is very strange how you think someone can be depressed when in reality, it is anxiety which includes feelings of dread, having a hard time getting yourself dressed and ready to go somewhere, making decisions, etc. So, the doctor needs to find the right medication for her that won't make her feel lethargic. This will help. Sounds too like she doesn't want you going anywhere but to sit with her and watch her mope. That is why I think she has lost her sense of purpose. That can cause depression and anxiety. By the way, I have a friend who takes anti-depressants and she has more drive and energy than I do.....unless her medication flattens out and she has to go back to her psychiatrist to get an adjustment. Good luck to you and to your Mom.

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This is true. I know someone who instead of telling her doctor she is depressed and has anxiety, she told the doctor that she needed something to give her pep! The doctor put her on Adderall. That’s given for ADD and will act like speed for her!

She wasn’t honest with her doctor. This woman is depressed and riddled with anxiety. I don’t even go around her now being on the wrong drug. It’s crazy.

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I didn’t notice that you mentioned any type of dementia, so I am going to assume that your mother is okay cognitively. If so, I agree that Independent Living might be the way to go. HOWEVER, I also predict that you will have a tough time initially getting her to consider it as an option because she just can’t see herself there.
Consequently, I suggest that you try a little subterfuge by asking Mom to accompany you to activities where she will make her own friends (who will probably encourage her to do what you already have suggested). For example, in my area there are classes for Life Long Learning. These classes are usually open to any middle-aged or older people, but many participants are already retired, in IL, or living alone. The focus is on intellectually stimulating endeavors, plays, travel, games, and even college level courses.
If that isn’t her thing, how about church groups.
The point is that if she hangs out with her peers doing things she finds stimulating, she’ll see that she has options for happiness from others in the same boat that she is. As someone else on this site responded, elders aren’t always receptive to getting advice from their children or even medical professionals. Sometimes, seniors (and others) prefer advice from people they see as being in the same boat they are.
Note: That is why many of us love this site, right? LOL!

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The right adult day care could be just what she needs. She would be engaged in activities, receive breakfast and lunch and perhaps some light exercise. It could be just the ticket. My husband thrives in adult day care. I wish you luck

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She certainly sounds depressed! Adult Day Care is a possibility, but if a lot of the other clients are sullen and depressed, Day Care might not be uplifting. If she is physically able, an age appropriate exercise class might help. At our local YMCA the seniors who show up regularly are there as much for social contact as for the stretching and bending. Regulars look for each other and check on each other when someone is absent too many times. The camaraderie is a great boost. You would probably have to take her there, at least at first, (is she transportation dependent?). Depression obliterates the motivation to make an effort to do anything or go any place, but once in the new situation, a person is usually drawn out and cheered up.
Does your mother knit or sew or do any crafts? Would she make things for sale or donation through a church or a senior organization? Doing things for others focuses attention on someone else and gives one a feeling of purpose.

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You should consider putting her in an adult day care just two days a week. Some assisted living facilities actually offer this. She can choose to sit there miserably like she does at home, but she might get drawn into activities despite herself. Then, the concept of assisted living will be in some context. She might be better able to imagine enjoying herself there. It also sounds as if she is depressed. Please have her doctor review her medications to check for side effects and get her outside for fresh air and sunshine.

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All I can say is I wish I pushed my mom into assisted living when she was in better shape as her quality of life would have been so much better. TV is not a good daily companion. Find a good place that people living there enjoy. Tell her to try for 3 months afterward she can come home. Most places are open to the idea of helping transition. Find a tiered place so if her needs become more she can age in place if possible. Good luck!

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Well written letter and like others I completely understand where you are coming from. I am dealing with the same thing with my 95 year old dad who doesn't want to get up let alone go outside for any reason. I wish that I had some answers for us but I can only sympathize. He has outlived his friends and as an only daughter I am the only one around and do all that I can. He doesn't like watching TV either, just stares out the window for entertainment. We talk and talk when I go there but run out of things to say, Since his memory is not as good as it once was (but he is still sharp) I often repeat the same things. Lots of people do not understand why you don't just put her in a senior's home...but I do . All I can say is good luck and enjoy your time with her. I sure wish that I still had mom.

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Sounds like depression and maybe some delayed grieving. Please take her to see her usual doctor. He/She may prescribe antidepressants or get her a referral to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Look into grief groups in your area - GriefShare is one that I know of that is peer-to-peer weekly meetings to deal with grief. Many churches have this type of group available.

As far as human development (from my RN psych classes), she is at the stage where she needs to look back at her life. She needs to feel that she is leaving a legacy or has made a contribution to society. Talk with her about what she would like to be known for. If she feels despair about this, get her involved in the community in some way.

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I hear you - my mom is 93 and has outlived 8 of her 9 siblings, almost all of her friends and two of her 4 children. She's very clingy with me - and some of it is my fault. I've tried to make her happy and FINALLY realized you can't make anyone happy...especially someone who is narcissistic. She' back to living with me but has really gone downhill this past year. I'm a single homeowner, work full-time and at 59 have my aches pains and am slowing down. It's hard to do it all and I plan to have a come to Jesus talk very soon. She is going to have to do something because she no longer drives but doesn't want to really go anywhere or do anything. But gets "testy" when I want to socialize. I'm single so my friends are basically like family. It's tough and sad to watch her decline so. She was always a very independent, proud woman. I want to get her on some meds as she seems depressed but I know he will not take them. She seems to have lost her enjoyment of anything. It's a sad, tough situation. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas and God bless all the caregivers!

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Texasgal,

It sounds like you and I have the same Mom. I am 55, work full time, and am single.
I find it impossible to be or do whatever mom needs and I live with anger and resentment most days. Do experience this? I want to enjoy her, but she is miserable, depressed, negative, and has nothing to talk about. I feel like I am nothing more than her gopher.
When i finally bust and tell her this, she'll behave for a day or two and then back to the same.
I think i would be patient and more caring if her behavior was age related, but she's always been a narcissitic, controlling person. Shes never been social, very critical of other people, so really no friends. No hobbies. It hurts my soul to see such a wasted life.
My sister and i have tried and tried to make her happy as well. I finally realize- like really get - that no one can make someone else happy. So now, I want to do what makes me happy, and when she gets testy when I go out or dont include her - well, im not going to sit at home watching tv all day just to keep her company. I can honestly say that having her live with me has just about ruined my life, and very much has changed my personality.
How do you deal with the day to day living with your Mom? Are you able to not lose yourself?

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Hey, you're still young too! Agree with what you said, that it sounds like mom has depression for starters, and maybe she has stifled her feelings of loss all this time. You cannot make her do anything, but you can control what you do. Find some resources and offer them to her; offer her to take her to the appts if need be. I'd suggest finding out who a good geriatrician is as they may be more cautious and better able to explain about meds or a psychiatrist who knows the meds better or a psychologist who can work with the regular MD.
I'd also be aware of looking at what resources are out there for supporting her at her own home. Assisted living is not for everyone.

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My mother refused to move to independent/assisted living no matter how hard we tried to convince her. Last February she fell and broke her femur and that changed her attitude. She finally decided (on her own terms) that she would move into a facility and to our surprise she has turned into a friendly socialite which also shocked us because we always considered her an introvert. She has been on antidepressants for about 10 years so that may have helped. The hardest part is trying to convince them to move and it is almost impossible if you are close family; they seem to respond to the advice of strangers more.
Good luck and remember, there is still hope.

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Your mother has reached a point where she needs a little 'help' to get over the rough spots.

I fought the doctors re: putting DH on Zoloft until the day I saw him so depressed and his head hanging down from worries. The Zoloft helped him his last year on earth. I had no regrets as I had to allow the Zoloft to allow him to continue living his last year.

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There are very nice Independent Living facilities that offer assisted living services. I think the older generation doesn't know that there are actually nice living accommodations and they are not like nursing homes. You can take her for a free lunch at most locations so she can get a feel for how it is. I think it doesn't hurt to tour one and maybe take her when they are having a residents event. What I found out with my grandmother, is they don't realize they actually want friendships and were missing it. These residential homes have all types of activities for the elderly to enjoy a good quality of life. She is probably depressed, and that is why it is worth looking at some senior communities. You might want to even tour by yourself first...

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I think your mother may be depressed. Please take her to see her doctor and explain how she is acting to him. There are medications that are not too strong that will help her.

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How to help a lonely 88 year old mom who has outlived family and friends?

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