Hi all and thanks for the help. Let me start with I’m dealing with 2, 90s-year-old hoarders. The state came in and ordered a clean up. Well we did that, now I’m told I cannot go back to check on them because my father-in-law lied about everything and accused me of taking over. He said some pretty bad things about me, which of course were not true. So I’m keeping my distance, now these were my IN LAWS, with no help from any other family members. Yea I took this project on 5 years ago. I cooked, cleaned, took them to the doctors, grocery store, if something was broke, got it fixed for them, took care of their bills, and asked nothing from them. I never got paid, nor would I want to. You do this because it’s family. Well now I’m told not to ever darken their doorstep again. But I get it, how dare I want them in a clean environment, just making sure they both took baths or showers was painful, but when they are a danger to themselves you must step in. How do I handle the guilt of making sure they're safe, clean, paying their bills, going to the doctors, and eating right? Did I overstep my boundaries? Just putting this question out there. I’d love feed back. Also my mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s and dementia with hoarding disease. Should I just stay away?
Let them get along alone and let the state take over their care.
Is there any family that can keep you updated on the situation? Where is your spouse in all this?
You have done nothing to feel guilty about, nothing!
You helped the best you could and THEIR CHOICES are now catching up to them. Unfortunately, consequences will have to be born by them.
I would contact APS if these were my loved ones, just to get them on the radar and have a set of eyes on the situation. They can help them get the resources available for them, like meals on wheels, showering assistance and other things to help them function.
Police will do wellness checks and you can ask for it to be an anonymous report. That way FIL doesn't get more upset with you.
I spent 6 weeks helping my hoarder mom and she still hates me for it and the hoard is even worse now. Nothing can be done at this point. So, I let her live however she wants and prepare for the crisis that takes all of her choices away. So sad and difficult to deal with. We can only do what we can do.
I don’t understand why APS won’t communicate with the family member who, typically, has been involved in parent’s care and knows the reality of what actually goes on in the home.
guilt implies you did something wrong, you did not cause their situation, they did. It is a choice on their part
You did nothing wrong, nor did you overstep your boundaries by helping your in laws out, so don't allow guilt to plague you. I would definitely stay away now, however, and let APS deal with them from now on. You can ask the PD to do wellness checks, too, like Isthisrealyreal suggested. Then let it all go, knowing you did your part to help.
Best of luck to you.
Look for joy and awareness in your new adventures.
Yes, time for other family members to take over 5 yrs is enough.
Yes, you should just stay away. In fact you should go absolute zero contact with both of them. You were the only one who stepped up and did anything for those lousy, ingrate in-laws of yours over five years ago and what do you get for your good works?
You get ripped a new one, lied about, and told not to come back.
Forget those two. Let the state or other family members take care of them and put up with their crap. If you have their POA then you should get your name released from that. Then walk away. No more.
Stay away, let it go. You did what you could. My brother & I cleaned out his fathers place, organized hoarders, got rid of all the crap and placed them in AL, they understood and worked with us,
If they hadn't we would have walked away.
Accept what you cannot change, move on with your life.
Sending support your way!
Hoarding is not just the physical collecting of "stuff" but it is a mental condition.
Most likely they will revert to hoarding again and very soon it will be like it was before.
Let things happen as they happen. If MIL, if FIL is not safe in the house, report to APS or call the Elder Abuse number in your State.
Your family (in-laws or not); is not your responsibility.
Difficult as it may be; it's time to stay away and let the state health services take over. Their generation was brought up during the depression and cannot throw things away - it's painful for them - they are so very afraid it will be needed again; and they can't throw out anything that can be 'reused' even if it's falling apart - they can't 'see that'.
You need to stay away; take time for yourself and find other activities to occupy your time and mind. It will be very hard for you; your thoughts of their 'helplessness' and filthy mess will be difficult to get out of your head; but you need to understand they would rather live this way than have you help. They will be angry at the state health services; and will throw you 'under the bus' but it's not your responsibility. Please take care of yourself and let others deal with them.