Dad is on his way out, we all know and aren’t expecting much more time with him. My brother out of state “M” has said he will come here to see Dad. This would be a sad but wonderful family time of my family didn’t fit into every category of dysfunctional. M opted out on family about the time I was born. There is 17 years between us. My parents have been there whenever he asked and he took with seemingly the least amount of graditude nessacary. He has live out of town most of my life. When he is in town my parents go out of their way to see him because they care deeply and miss him. He participates in some family stuff, mostly the fun activities and leave again for years. In the last 5-10 years he has not seen the parents and has called less than 10 times. When he is here he encourages the parents to live outside their means and encourages them to stay in their fantasy world. Mom will survive Dad and even if she stays on the reckless course she has been on, she has many years left. She has many mental and emotional problems that limit her from understanding how life works and knowing where boundaries are. I’ve done a lot of work with mom to get her to understand where she was at (physically and mentally) were not ok and we have plans for a new start with a brighter future. I am concerned that when my brother comes into town he is going to encourage Mom to relapse into the bad habits that have made her life unlivable. I have always been the caretaker in my family for both of my parents and my other brother that lives in town town. Before a month ago I would do things behind the scenes to make sure that everyone is taken care of emotionally, financially, and physically. If my out of town brother visited a month ago I would have let him do his own thing and then cleaned up the mess that he leaves. The difference this time is that mom is on a path and she has asked me to help her. I am also in the position to be the POA for both of my parents. My brother M has always treated me as a distant relative and has undermined me whenever he felt his decisions were the better ones and my parents took his side because they missed him and didn’t want to displease him in any way lest he not visit for another 5-10 years. I know that the proper way to deal with this is to have an adult conversation with M. I however, also know that I have a temper and that he pushes all of the right buttons to set me off. I won’t be able to avoid him while he is in town, and confrontation with him could lead to a rift between me and the brother that is here in town. If this were a month ago it would be no big deal. Right now, my stress level is off the charts and he is not going to make anything smoother by showing up. Even Mom has expressed concern and she half lives in a fantasy world. I’m not one to hope for sudden change in personality from a near 50 yr old man, so I’m left with the knowledge that he’s coming like a storm on the horizon. Any advice?
You say that you are "in the position to be the POA for both of my parents." What does that mean? Are you their POA? If not, why not?
Avoid confrontation. Keep your temper in check. If possible, avoid being alone with M. Have you a friend or a cousin who could tag along when you need to meet with him? Keep your cool. Rational adult conversation may not be possible at this point. Try to minimize the damage behind the scenes, as you apparently have been doing all along.
You have a little more clout if you have power of attorney. Then you can say "I'm sorry, but Mother can't afford that his month. Or did you mean you were treating her?" But as "just" his baby sister and mother's caregiver he might not respect that.
I have a brother 19.5 years my junior. He has children younger than my grandchildren! I was in college when he was born and we've never lived together. We are not at all estranged. I love him and I think that is mutual. But it is a very different relationship than I have with the sibs who are closer to my age. We are more like cousins. So I can understand (especially in a dysfunctional family) how the age difference alone could be a barrier to adult-to-adult relationships. It is what it is. Try not to take it too personally, and go on being the responsible adult in your mother's life, regardless of M's attitude.
Yes I am the poa of both.
He has stayed anywhere from 2day to two weeks.
And as for the little sister, I don’t think he views me as an adult. He has children that are older than me so I think he wrote me off when he left his children as well. On top of that, one of my family’s dysfunctions is that they are stuck in an old world where girls are pretty housemakers. M follows the lead on how women should act and that doesn’t make it easier.
I will try your advice on keeping someone around. My brother in town is the same boy one M talks to regularly so I may gently shove M on him.