How to handle mother who is sensitive and loving but bossy?

Research Narcissistic Personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder, and Histrionic personality disorder.

The bossiness, crying at the drop of a hat, lack of boundaries, talking at and lack of empathy for your position appears to suggest she may suffer from one of these disorders.

The crying, at the drop of a hat, may suggest she is an inverted or covert narcissist.

If so, family counseling will help YOU deal with this. The counseling likely will not change her, though. These disorders are typically not curable with meds or counseling.

A mother who talks at you and constantly argues with you, isn't willing to accept the boundaries you are trying to set down for your own mental health is not a "sensitive/loving" person. Period. You are being controlled and emotionally abused here and you don't realize it. You have been conditioned to believe your mother is The Most Wonderful Person On The Earth, no matter WHAT she does or says, as I have, but it isn't true! Once you realize that, your life changes.

She has installed the buttons ON you that she pushes on a daily basis. Then, when you react in a negative manner, it's 'your fault' and you feel badly; you feel ashamed of yourself for reacting the way you have been PROGRAMMED to react. It's the way the cycle of abuse works. It's the only way to keep a person in an abusive relationship: to keep them feeling shame & guilt, or FOG, fear/obligation & guilt. It's the way it all works.

You both made a decision, long ago, that your mother would live with you. Which means your MOTHER made a decision and you accepted it, as you've accepted everything else she's said & done to you all these years. Your profile says it all.

It's time to make a NEW decision, all of your own making. That either you move out or mother moves out because it's time to have a NEW life of your very own with nobody telling you what to do or how to feel. This does not mean that you don't love her or that you will never see her again. Just that the living arrangements have to change, for YOUR sake. It's okay to say that, it's okay to feel that...........it's okay to DO that.

Sacrificing YOUR entire life for anyone is NOT okay.

Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as one of our other posters here on AgingCare has so wisely said.

At your age, you are ENTITLED to a life of your own; you have earned it. A life of peace and joy and happiness.

People telling you things like, "Please remember your mom won't be around forever" is just another guilt tactic to REINFORCE the FOG that you're already feeling. Don't fall for this tactic! Nobody is alive forever. Old age is not a free pass to be a big bully and to treat your children like garbage! Remember that!

Take your life back as soon as you possibly can by making a decision in YOUR own best interest. It may sound hard to do, but you CAN do it! Make a plan. Today. Give yourself some hope for a brighter future!

Good luck to you! Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.

i understand, I live in this too. First you have to learn how to distance yourself emotionally from her being your " mother with a history". You need to view her as someone who needs help only. Then you can assess if her requests are manipulative or just needy-so you don't feel your buttons are being pushed. If it still sounds manipulative, you tell her you will put it on your list to do but it can not be done right away. I found that my mother has lost her "power" to guilt and manipulate me so she is much more humble. Sometimes she has to spout off (and like the Golden Pond movie quote "roar like an old lion to remind themselves they are still alive") but it passes after i ignore and don't respond.
It is so very hard to be an adult and care for a parent who doesn't want to be old and in a helpless position. They snap at old age but you are the recipient. Give yourself grace. Every day is a new attempt to try to see her as a patient, not a mother.

I was caretaker for my mom from 80 to 86 years of age. She passed away at 86 this last July. Much of what you describe was our relationship too, throw into the mix some really hurtful things she did to me and my family for years. I had to put all of that aside and care for her. I felt I was doing the best I could but after she was gone I felt so guilty. I found projects still undone she had asked me to do, and the guilt feelings would hit me. I didn't know I could cry so much. All the petty arguments we had, all the times I resented her taking up all my time, all the times I felt she was in the way, all brought on guilt. Someone told me that taking care of her was my job, and it wasn't perfect but at least she had me there and now my job is done. Please remember your mom won't be around forever. Try to do things together that you'll have good memories of when she's gone. The last week mom was alive we watched a movie, ate popcorn, and laughed a lot. I am glad I have that memory.

I feel for you...I experience some of this with my mom as well. She lives with us, and siblings are not involved. I, like you, want to "feel good about myself" in my interactions with my mom, and my mom, too has an agenda for me, but seldom a conversation, and she lives with me, so it is overwhelming to be on call for her agenda 24 hours a day. I have had to coach myself on this one, so I am talking to myself as well as you here. I think you will be disappointed if you look to mom to get better in the relationship, for a lack of a better way to express it. She is declining in abilities, including social abilities of this sophistication. But you can establish boundaries within yourself of what you will be willing to engage with, or adopt into your thinking on some level. I can be triggered by my mom. She will say something, and it makes me feel like she doesn't think I am smart or capable. I am not going to change the kind of comments she makes, but I can get clear in my own evaluation of myself that I am smart and capable. I even speak these things aloud to myself. And recently, started speaking them aloud, casually, to family members who I feel have not believed in my abilities in this way. I take control of what is spoken about me in this way. Journaling has helped me come to this. This has helped me with boundaries too, because I realize that we both are deserving. She is speaking for her needs, and I should be speaking, kindly but firmly, for mine. I practice saying, "yes, I can help you with that later this week" (instead of dropping everything so she doesn't fixate. She can fixate. I can say, "I love you, Mom" and "I am not taking care of that today" (no explanation needed). I am not responsible for her fixating. It seems she finds a way to calm herself down when I am not so intent on trying to please her every moment. And, I forgive myself, and move on when needed. I actually woke up this morning with this sentence in my mind..."I forgive myself for being human." Good luck!

Imho, you could spend some time apart while in your own home. Attempt to set some boundaries. Prayers sent.

"She tends to talk at me. I am always on the defense and it takes us down the road of arguing. She always says she doesn’t mean it that way."

When I was in therapy my therapist told me that was emotionally abusive. It is crazy making. She DID mean it that way. To say she didn't is a lie. It is designed to make you doubt yourself.

Little personality psychology lesson. We all have personalities that tend to be inborn - as in genetically formed. Some folks are more outgoing, probably your mom. Some folks tend to be more quiet, probably you. Some folks tend to be more task-oriented, probably your mom. Some folks tend to be more relationship-oriented, probably you. She will not really change much from her "factory default settings" nor will you. That is why it is important to have good boundaries. The boundaries are not for them, they are for you. You decide on what behaviors cause you problems and how you want to handle the problem(s) when they come up. Keep implementing the coping strategies you have determined to use when problem behaviors with your mom crop up. NEVER EVER are your coping strategies to tolerate abuse or to abuse another.

If you find that mom's behavior has become intolerable, it may be time to come up with other living arrangements. There are plenty of senior living arrangements if needed.

sounds like she needs a change of scenery, how about checking into a senior living place where she can be around others her own age?  even during this virus thing, they can isolate people for the 14 days and then introduce them into the normal living quarters.  She might actually enjoy that. does she have stuff to keep herself busy during the day, like puzzles, knitting/crocheting, looking at photo albums?  A person that cares for their loved one eventually starts feeling more of a "worker" than a family member and I know a lot of people don't want that to happen.  Is there anyway you can get information from an aging center on what steps need to be taken.  You surly don't want yourself to become sick over all the stress because then you won't be any good at all.  Is she totally incapable of doing things for herself OR can she do stuff on her own?  If she can do stuff for herself but chooses not to....maybe you need to tell her when she asks something that you cannot do it right now but if she waits for an hour or so, then you can (maybe by then she will forget what she wanted OR she will do it herself).  I wish you luck.

Your are not alone ,because I have a similar issue with my 85yrold father,who came to live with me 14 months ago.

Prior to him living with me we got along great, but now it's a roller coaster of emotions and I want to get off this ride.

I don't have any advice as I too need some,but I just wanted you to know your not alone.

She is who she is and aways has been .. My heart goes out to you. My suggestion is to find a good Caretakers meeting. You have been at this for a long time. Your tired and hurt. You have been putting your own needs on the back burner. You are doing this All by yourself. She is not going to change , it’s not that she won’t, but because she can’t... BUT, YOU CAN .. I know going to a CARETAKERs meeting has helped me a lot. I no longer try to explain things to my Loved One because he no longer has the capability to understand. I now try very hard , NOT TO ENGAGE . I try not the prove that I am right. I try to remember my loved ones brain is broken. I try to remember that it is ME that has chosen to be here. I also take better care of my self. I have not given up my friends or my quilt meetings. I have a POA so I can legally make some decisions. I do the best I can with what I have to work with.. I try not to beat my self up. I have some one come in to spend time with him 3 hours a week. They talk and walk and he gets shaved when his helper is here. We have Physical Therapy in 2 times a week .The part of his brain that is affected , has to do with not only memory but with balance. Boundaries discussion did not work then and they will not work now. You might consider checking your local Council on Aging to find a caretakers group. Sometimes it just good to know you are not alone.

From your profile: "I am a 64 year old daughter who cares for my 89 yo mom. She lives with me as was decided many, many years before."

When and just how was it decided that your mother would live with you?

Hello! Since April 2020 I have been in a similar situation. After a few months of caring for my live-in mother with mild dementia, I realized that I was feeling depressed and powerless just like I did as a child living under my mother’s house. We had petty arguments too.
To act from my “adult self” rather than the voiceless child and to deal with my childhood issues, I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist (virtually). I realized that like a parent of a toddler, I needed to set the environment of my home. It’s not easy, and we still argue, but I am feeling so much better as I am less reactive. As someone else said before, our elderly parents with memory issues often mirror the mood that is before them. She seems to be doing better as well.
I encourage you to prioritize self-care!
Best wishes!

Sounds to me you and your mom both need a brake.

People can't just stay cooped up 24 7 and not get on each others nerves as it's just each other to Vent to.

It's possible your mom doesn't mean how you take something.

It's possible that you are over reacting.

Even with the Covid you and your mom should get out of the house and soak up some Feel Good Natural God given Rx's of Sunshine and Fresh Air at least 15 minutes a day..

yes,, even with the Covid, I would schedule a Bingo Night once a week and allow 3 or 4 same old friends to come over for Bingo and food.

They can all order in so you wouldn't have to cook.

Also, let them each pay $5 and with the money use it for Bingo Prizes.

You could hire a Caregiver for 4 hrs to run the show and you could take a break during that time or Join In with the Fun.

They would all love you for it.

If your mom forgets things why would she feel hurt if she knew? She sounds very manipulative if she can cry at a drop of a hat. Brother sounds like he gets an easy out by getting mad. Then he can walk away. What mental illness does he have that he can't help? Does he hold a job? If he does then he can help. Does he take meds, then he can help. He is able to take orders and do his job without getting mad. Unless he is delusional or having psychotic break he should be able to help some. .,.They have you trained.

Time to change living arrangements. If you have to get a mother-in-law suite or or try to get a buffer by getting in help at those times you have to interact with her. I know hard in times of covid. Maybe just a few hrs. Take their temp and find one that stays at home. But if you can't...
Have you noticed she gets bossy at the end of the day? Or at specific times? She sounds like a narcissist. If she can't manipulate and get her way, she cries? And you cave? The guilt thing is usually a big sign and tromping all over you is another.
I think you need to learn grey rock method. You do whatever you have to do, but don't engage. Lots of YouTube videos on it. A person can't argue with themselves. She starts ordering you around, you do what you want to do. At the pace you want to do it. Dont say anything. Say your intentions and thats it. If she starts acting up you leave the room. Immediately. Dont say a word. Sounds like she sees you as someone she can control? Her personal servant now?

So your the one that has to change. If you dont do what she wants, she will have a melt down. An adult 4yr old tantrum? Walk away immediately. You have to put up boundaries and stick to them. Every time it starts dont say a word and walk away, or finish what you are doing and dont interact. Sometimes you can't walk out that second. Then cont without a word,, and then walk away when its safe to do so.
I wouldn't live with a mom who is treating you like a child. That is emmeshment. If you can't get away, just get out of the house. Take a walk or do something for YOU daily. For your stress. If she's calling you and you know it can wait, dont drop everything and run. Take your time. You feel guilty, ok. Feel guilty. Is that working for you? No it isn't. Hot news flash every daughter is a hostile daughter bc they won't drop everything and do what their mother wants. Oh well. She is still living. Remember whilst yor feeling bad. SHE IS NOT!!!!Get her voice out of your head.

Narcissists love to guilt people and you are right where she wants you. She doesn't feel guilt or remorse. She's getting away with treating you however she wants. You can only change your reaction to it. Id start watching all those vids on how to deal with a narcissist. Invaluable. And how to deal with guilt. Its free. Or get a podcast or a book that you can listen to while doing other things. You will learn strategies. You are going to have to shut down the that looped tape in your head. Your mom put that there. Take it out and destroy it. No room in your head for that. Every time it starts up. Shut it down and force yourself to think of something else. Every time. Might take 3 days, but start doing that.

If she starts poor me and starts crying leave the room if you can. You dont say a word. The crying jags will stop. No audience to share it with. Dont get her tissues, apologie, rub her back. STOP IT!!

You need to start working on your reaction and to stop guilting yourself. Your mom has put that in your head and loves the results. You need to study up on how to interact with a narcissist on YouTube. That is free and doesnt require a therapist. You can't change her, but u can change your reaction to her. Good luck.

You gained strength and left an unhappy marriage. Good for you!

Your mom isn’t happy that you aren’t going to follow her instructions anymore.

Put two strong women together and it’s a recipe for disaster!

You aren’t willing to follow her lead. She has no desire to change her ways.

Something has to give and it shouldn’t be you!

Set consistent ground rules. These are not optional. Make sure mom knows that anything else is unacceptable.

I know that many feel like saying, ‘No!’ works. Very often it doesn’t.

I once heard someone say, “Never take something away from someone without giving them something in return. Never say, ‘No!’ to someone without giving them a ‘Yes!’ to something that you both agree on.

It makes sense because it makes the ‘No!’ easier to swallow and you are showing that you care by offering a ‘Yes!’

In short, it’s a compromise.

Is there room for compromise in your relationship?

Are you simply tired of her living with you? Each of you needs their own space. Are you smothering each other?

Be honest with yourself and with her. You both deserve the truth.

If the time has come for her to leave, address the situation as lovingly as possible.

If it doesn’t end peacefully, then hold your head high knowing that you did your best and all that you could in your circumstances.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

Too much time together?

Must be many folk feeling this way after this crazy cooped up year!

Do you work? What are your interests/hobbies? What do you like to do?

I wonder if you had more 'me time' things would improve? With time to enjoy your own interests & have a little fun, the time spent with Mother wouldn't feel like your whole life?

Can Mother be safely left at home for you to go walking for 30 mins? Or put headphones on & listen to your favorite music in another room? Power walking with music - even better! Fresh air, exercise & Mom-free time.

Find a counsellor or therapist who can help you determine and stick to your boundaries. Reading your profile, I think you might have quite a lot of work to do on that point.

Meanwhile, your mother is nearly 90 years old. Every single day, she is going to have needs that must be met if she is to live well and comfortably. For the primary caregiver, this is a daily burden - whether you are able to carry it easily or not, it just IS a burden.

If the truth is that it's getting on your nerves so much that you're avoiding her, and the stress is causing you and your own health to suffer, then something has to change.

What makes you say that your mother is a ’sensitive loving mom and literally cries at the drop of a hat’? Your profile doesn’t sound like that – she’s been bossy since your childhood, forced you into a marriage that you bitterly regretted, she’s ‘always requesting something’, she won’t stick to the boundaries she has agreed with you, she arranged the ‘golden promise’ years in advance, she presses old buttons and she makes you feel GUILTY. ‘Crying at the drop of a hat’ sounds more like a control mechanism than ‘sensitive and loving’.

I don’t go much on counselors, but this sounds like a good time to talk through with someone else how you feel about her, yourself, and the interactions between you. It could also be a good time to find somewhere else for her to live, so that you can be a daughter on less intimate and inappropriate terms. This is going to get worse, not better, and at 64 you should be thinking about how to spend the rest of your life.

I could have posted this--except that I wouldn't let my mother move in with me.

The ONLY way I can maintain boundaries is simply to not see her unless I am in good headspace. She can be sweet, but she can also be so cutting and cruel. A little dementia, but not so much she's unaware of what she's saying.

Having your mom live with you is a big difference. That's why she's with YB, with whom she has a weird relationship, very twisted, but it's NOT my problem.

YOU have to be strong, mom won't change. It's totally unfair, but it is what it is. Unless you plan to move her to AL or somewhere, this will be on you for the foreseeable future.

I did find that when I felt my hackles rising.....I'd cut my visit short. Is there a place in you home that is 'hers'? The key to sharing living space is that each 'family' has their own space. Mother stays in her apartment, mostly, and does not interact with the family.

Wishing you luck--so many of us are navigating these rough waters.

Hi Stargeek!

Our mom life is similar. She’s had dementia about 5 years, the past 2 years there has been a severe decline. She’s lived with me and my husband for 8 years. I have 4 siblings who live elsewhere and are sure I’ve got this. She doesn’t know I’m her daughter and that has made our home life very strange. If I can get my sisters to call, she raves about her family yet I’m the only one here. So that was a bit of background. Now to address your comments.
I’ve noticed that although she doesn’t see me as family anymore, we have deep history. As a result, I’ve figured out that she still pushes my buttons! Go figure. She’s in hospital at the present time (built in respite) and doing fine, loves her nurses, etc. however when I came to visit last evening she immediately began crying and saying nobody cares, she’s been forgotten, and wants to die. It was shocking. I went into action trying to solve this. Ummm. Moments later (after I’m a wreck and ready to sue someone for making my mom feel bad) she was fine and happy. All I can derive from this is that seeing me was the trigger. They still know how to work us!!
By the way, we ended the visit very pleasantly last evening and today’s phone call she was after me about when am I picking her up. They will always work to drive us who care for them. They can’t articulate it but it seems to me that they (our moms) have figured out a way to communicate with us that they need us. Oh joy. And apparently we are the healthy ones of the siblings so “we’ve got it”.
Hope this note resonates with you. Your note certainly did with me.
Please watch out for your own health. This loving care you are providing, even through all the emotional button pushing, is honorable but our moms would not want us to go down with the ship. Please take care of yourself.

First, I sense that you are experiencing some caregiver burnout, which happens to the best of us if we're not careful in taking care of ourselves too. You yourself said that mom's memory is very poor, so trying to talk to her about boundaries, and expecting her to remember, is a mute point at this stage. You can still however set boundaries for yourself, and when you feel mom has crossed them you make the decision in how to react. Even though she is your mom, you are now the adult in this situation, and she is in your home, so don't be afraid to lay ground rules for yourself in what you will tolerate and what you won't.

Now that being said, you must take time away from your mom, and do something that you enjoy, as often as you can. If you have to hire someone to come stay with mom while you do, then do it. It's so very important that you get the breaks you need. You will be amazed how just a little time away can change your whole perspective on things. Also I learned this the hard way with my husband, that people with memory issues tend to mirror the mood of the one caring for them. So if you're angry or upset, your mom will be too, and if you're calm and pleasant, the same applies. Now I can't guarantee that that works 100% of the time, but I know from experience that it does work. And the fact that you say your mom can be loving and sensitive, is great. Maybe try being loving and sensitive back. Wishing you the best.

You are going at boundaries from the wrong angle, they are for you to enforce, not her to remember.