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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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My husband can be quite biting in his responses and is often disagreeable and grumpy. My feelings are easily bruised. He's always been a bit of a grumpalopolous...his health issues have only exacerbated these characteristics.
I try very hard not to engage when he tries to draw me into responding to his harsh words. I'm not always successful, but am always better off for having tried. It's double hard when it's someone you love...and is supposed to love you.
Thank you Judycares and everyone else for your replies and suggestions. No, thank G-d, it's not dementia that's causing the unwanted demeanor / behavior, it's personality and I believe because of reduced ability, physical limitations, predisposed personality traits are exacerbated now. It is difficult as you say not to use harsh words in a reciprocal way when verbally attacked but I like everyone's idea of exiting the physical space if possible and returning later. Truth is nine times out of ten he does calm down and his demeanor becomes more appropriate with time and space. And food helps too. Thank you again, wishing you well.
Does this person have a Dementia. If so you need to allow it to roll off your back. They have lost their filter and say what ever enters their mind.
If he is just a nasty person, then you just need to walk away telling him you will not put up with his nastiness. You are also an adult and as such you need to be respected. If he relies on you, then you need to tell him he needs you more than you need him. Call his bluff and tell him you can always walk thru the door and not return. (Hope ur not living with him) Look up the "Grey rock menthod".
If you give us more info, you'll get better answers. His age, his health, do u live together.
The question is, why is your father behaving himself in such a nasty way towards you? If you are putting yourself out caring for him, and being treated in such an ugly way, I'd give him an ultimatum: act like a civilized human being or pay someone else to put up with you and your behavior.
If he's suffering from dementia, he can still be told what you are and are not willing to tolerate from him, behavior-wise. My mother has pretty advanced dementia but when I tell her that I won't listen to her ranting and raving & will either come back at a later time/call her at a later time when she's in a better mood, you'd be surprised at how quickly she calms down. A person will tend to push another person as far as they THINK they can before being told to cut the crap.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down boundaries to how much you will tolerate from your father. Respect is a two-way street.
I don’t know if I am correct so please correct me if I am wrong. All situations from friends, other family members and my own experience is that they all become difficult. Even my other grandmother who I didn’t care for gave her daughter a hard time and she was the nicest lady ever. I don’t use my own experience as judgement for all caregiver experience because mine is different. It seems like recently family and friends have to care for their loved ones because I don’t remember knowing so many people who were caregivers in the past. They all told me that they used to be nice and now they are so mean since they started caring for them
btw, I am not by any means saying that it’s the way it is and that you need to take it. Yes set boundaries. I guess I am trying to hope there are some good out there. Sorry if it came out that ways because I hated it when I was told that’s how it is
I agree with many post trying to find a balance with not responding but also not allowing it because it might get worse if he gets away with it. Does he have friends and someone his age he can relate to? Maybe try to get him to the senior center to relate so he feels he can relate with more people.
Walk away. Like when my MIL told me when I was eating a couple of peaches that “if you eat too much, you get fat! YOU FAT!” I was SO PISSED, but I just said, “If you’re going to be nasty, I’m not going to sit with you,” and walked away. I had to blow off steam, and she came around. I’m not getting paid, so screw that. I’m not just going to stand there and take it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Arguing with someone, no matter their age, when they are upset is a recipe for a nom-productive exchange.
I try very hard not to engage when he tries to draw me into responding to his harsh words. I'm not always successful, but am always better off for having tried. It's double hard when it's someone you love...and is supposed to love you.
If he is just a nasty person, then you just need to walk away telling him you will not put up with his nastiness. You are also an adult and as such you need to be respected. If he relies on you, then you need to tell him he needs you more than you need him. Call his bluff and tell him you can always walk thru the door and not return. (Hope ur not living with him) Look up the "Grey rock menthod".
If you give us more info, you'll get better answers. His age, his health, do u live together.
If he's suffering from dementia, he can still be told what you are and are not willing to tolerate from him, behavior-wise. My mother has pretty advanced dementia but when I tell her that I won't listen to her ranting and raving & will either come back at a later time/call her at a later time when she's in a better mood, you'd be surprised at how quickly she calms down. A person will tend to push another person as far as they THINK they can before being told to cut the crap.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down boundaries to how much you will tolerate from your father. Respect is a two-way street.
btw, I am not by any means saying that it’s the way it is and that you need to take it. Yes set boundaries. I guess I am trying to hope there are some good out there. Sorry if it came out that ways because I hated it when I was told that’s how it is