My mom is 72 years old. Up to and until July 2017, she worked and was fiercely independent. In July 2017, her colon perforated, and she went septic. Due to this, she had to have part of her colon removed and received a colostomy bag. After rehabilitation, she moved in with me as she refused to live on her own after that happened. In September 2017 she went back to work, until December 2017 when she broke her arm. This was the final straw for her. After rehab from the broken arm, she moved in with my sister, who depleted all of her assets and stole from her. In October 2018, I had no choice but to move her back in with me. By this point, my sister had completely depleted what little assets she had left. My mom has no money, and I am the only one caring for her. She still gives money to my sister, who refuses to work, and continues to dwindle away what little money she has left. Therefore, I am picking up all of her living expenses. I work full-time, and am married. My husband and I have seven children total, four of which are still minors (ages 17-13) and we have to care for, my oldest daughter that is 20 lives with us as well. My mom refuses to medically care for herself. Her diabetes is out of control, she has COPD, and a hernia where the colostomy bag is that is literally the size of a small pumpkin. I have to bathe her as she can no longer bathe herself. Due to a busy life, I have to have her take baths when I able to do it. She won't cooperate. My oldest daughter, who is 20, and works at a hospital, has offered to help her bathe as well. She won't cooperate, she will wait until she is ready and not a minute before. She won't be honest with her doctor about her health issues. She won't get a handle on her finances, keeps helping my sister, won't sell her house that has sat empty for nearly two years, and get won't get a handle on her debt. Anytime I try talking with her, she becomes angry and says "I don't walk to talk about it". If I push it, we start fighting. This story could literally go on forever, I just don't know what to do. I am trying to help her, but she is refusing. I don't have POA, and I have been told the only way to force it, is to have her declared incompetent. Seeing that she is extremely independent, when I have mentioned it, she gets extremely mad and says she will never forgive me. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am watching my mom become someone I don't even recognize. She does not care about her health, finances, hygiene, but if I try and step in, she fights me. I am becoming so frustrated and angry, and then I feel guilt. What if something happens to her, and these are my last thoughts about her? I feel lost. Can anyone help with some advice?
No, you could have had her placed.
She is manipulating and playing you with her anger. It's called "Fear, Obligation and Guilt--FOG". Google it. It's a thing.
Until you have the spine and self-respect to say "No mom, MY HOME, MY RULES; work with me or find someplace else to live" or words like that, you will be at her mercy.
So, she'll never forgive you? So what?
I'm sorry that this sounds (and IS) harsh, but it's what you need to hear right now. Your first obligations are to your minor children, your spouse and yourself. NOT your mother.
I understand that you want a foundation on which to preserve memories for when you're mom is gone. I remember thinking along those lines too, that when my dad is gone I need to know that I did everything I could for him. But his care became bigger than me, more than I could handle, and neither one of us was getting what we needed.
Your mom is only 72 years old. She could live another 10 years or more. You and your family could be destroyed in that amount of time. Don't continue sacrificing yourself and your family to care for your mom who, from what you wrote, doesn't want your help anyway.
If your mom is competent, then, I'd explore getting her to a place where she can live her life, making her own decisions and not disrupting your home and your family.
But, even if you do this, you still have the issue of her resisting care. If her thinking is unclear and judgment gone, the Guardianship won't change much in her mind, but, it would provide you with the legal authority to decide where she lives, what medical care she is provided and who are her caregivers. You can also have her placed in a hospital or long term care facility, if you deem it's in her best interest. I wouldn't place too much emphasis on making her dislike you, because, that will pass and she won't even remember saying it down the road. Getting her care and protecting her is more urgent than trying to avoid ticking her off with her family members. Sometimes, it's just can't be avoided.
Yoh need to let her doctor know what is going on with her health, both mental and physical. Type up a bulleted list and send it to her doctor return receipt requested.
Go with her to the next appointment. Take the list and give it to the RN when you sign in.
Talk to the eldercare attorney about what your options are if she won't sign POA. You may need to proceed to eviction.
If you AAA wont do one, call her doctor and tell her/him that you need for a social worker to evaluate your mom and her ability to live alone.
If mom can live alone, or with some minimal assistance like bathing once a week, take her back to her home. She can get meals on wheels. Take the senior bus to Adult Day Care.