How to get my mother out of her room?

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How to get my mother out of her room?

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My mother recently moved into AL. She has yet to eat in the dining room, and it's been literally 2 months. She has any and every excuse, from not feeling well to being contagious, from not feeling like getting dressed to being full from the previous meal. The staff, of course, bring the meals to her room, and then she complains about the food. I have told her that if she goes to the dining room, she can choose the alternate, but if they bring her food, she gets what they pick. That has fallen on (literally) deaf ears. Finally, she tells me she has diarrhea and can't go to the dining room, but she wants me to take her out to lunch. (UGH!) So frustrating.

Any advice on how to motivate her to socialize with the residents? Driving me nuts, as she feels it's my responsibility to entertain her.

(She's been that way all of my life, relying on me and my life, which is a whole 'nother topic. Or better, therapy for me, haha! I don't look forward to the day she finds out that she has to be in a double room to get Medicaid. We are not made of money.)

I'm of a mind to stop visiting altogether until she starts participating.

Signed--Only Child who would like to get on with her Only Life, which was the point of AL.

Assisted Living Mental Health Senior Activities

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Thanks, everyone, for all the suggestions and different perspectives.

The most suggested, eating with her in the dining room, is a no-go till the pandemic is over. I can eat with her in her room, but they will not bring me a meal, I would have to bring my own food. Which.... kinda defeats the purpose.

What has been helpful is the advice to allow myself to just let her be. It is not my responsibility, any of it, except to do what I have been doing, which is making sure she is safe, fed, warm (or cool), and dry.

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Here's where you talk to the Activities Director at your mom's ALF and ask for his or her help in getting mom out of her room to socialize. That's the ADs job at my mother's ALF: to knock on the doors of the residents and get them out and about. Also, they only allow 6 meals a month to be delivered to their rooms; after that, there is a $5 per meal delivery charge tacked onto the monthly bill! This deters the residents from doing what your mother is doing; using the ALF as a hotel with room service. The Caregivers have more important things to do than delivering meals, too, so that's why the $5 charge was instituted at mom's place; it's only fair.

If you can't convince her to come out of her room, and the AD can't convince her either, then so be it. It's not up to YOU to be her entertainment director, however, and she went into AL precisely so you could move on with your life. I suggest you do that beginning today. That's not to say you cut mother out of your life; just that you let her know you only have X amount of time each week to visit, and she can use that time with you as she sees fit. Stop questioning her about where she's eating her meals, and just make small talk when you do chat. How she chooses to spend her day is her business, and vice versa. It's not YOUR job to micro-manage her life at the ALF, just as it's not her job to micro manage your life in your home. Right? Think of it that way (after you have the talk with the AD). In my experience, when you leave the elder alone to their own devices, they eventually carve out a life of their OWN in the ALF, especially when you don't visit them constantly.

That said, I am an only child too and have been caring for my parents (now just my 94 y/o mother) since I moved them here in 2011, so for 10+ years. Mother lives in Memory Care AL since 2019, and in AL since 2014. Being an only child and fully responsible for a parent (or two) is a huge thing; people don't understand the magnitude of it unless they are in the same position. We are human beings above & beyond all else. To be preached at and told we need to be more than perfect or we'll forfeit our spot in heaven otherwise is inappropriate. We are doing the BEST WE CAN and you know what? It's Enough. I am here to tell you THAT, if nothing else. Let go of what you can't control, don't let images of fire & brimstone cloud your good judgement, and know that your mother is in good hands in the ALF. You can't fix her; SHE needs to fix herself; you're just here to help in any way you can. So do what you can for her and let the rest GO, or you will wind up with compassion fatigue, extreme exhaustion and looking for a psychiatrist to prescribe meds for YOU instead of for her. Trust me, I know.

Wishing you the best of luck finding peace with the entire situation and allowing yourself to have your OWN life here, too.

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My mom is the same way. Her alcoholism has landed her in AL possibly for good. She refuses everything, doesn’t want to do anything with anyone, complains about everything. I even found a really cool emotional counseling program where they would actually come and pick her up twice a week for therapy. She met with the intake counselor and agreed it could be a really good idea. As soon as she found out group therapy was a component of the program, She ended up dumping all over it and refused to go after I had worked on it for a month bc of her crappy insurance.

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I didn't see anything in your original post about "dementia". Nor did I note anything about incontinence (which can be easily handled-- not an excuse). Almost everybody in AL complains about the food! Try to have a meal with her a couple of times to see if it is really that bad. Sometimes the food is just mediocre and boring. If that's the case, bring her a favorite seasoning or a serving of a favorite dish once in a while (but not so often she comes to expect it).

If your mother has always been a bit introverted, she won't change for you or any of the "professional" helpers at the institution. Don't expect her to be drawn to socializing and don't force her into activities that don't interest her. (I speak as a life-long "introvert")

I do, however, strongly favor the idea of you joining her for a meal (or more) in the dining room. BUT be sure to enlist the help of care givers or professionals who know other residents well. You don't want her to sit where she will feel unwelcome. It's true, as someone has posted, that AL residents tend to be "territorial" about seating at meals. She needs to sit with someone who will be more or less welcoming and friendly, who won't take her presence as some kind of intrusion. You can assist with finding topics of mealtime conversation as needed. If she can find someone to consider a "friend" your problem may be partly solved.

Remember to take care of yourself, too. We are all human. Nobody has all the answers. But you are trying to provide the best for her and she is lucky to have a caring daughter.

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I had a similar situation with my Mom not wanting to socialize or leave her room, and fortunately it just took time and work for her to adjust - a whole year. COVID times make everything more difficult. My advice would be to try your best to be patient and encouraging with your Mom, let her adjust at her own pace, and keep an eye out for opportunities to gently convince her that she will enjoy a change of scene with other residents (activities, etc.). Let the AL staff know she's struggling and be sure to rule out medical issues. Take a deep breath and be proud that you're doing your best for your Mom.

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Thanks, Lisa. again, excellent perspective.

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dunazee: Imho, perhaps you can tell the "proverbial little white lie" and say that there is music or some other form of accompanying entertainment in the dining room.

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Dunazee....
I'm in complete agreement with the answer that Impossible offered!
The world doesn't revolve around you, nor does it revolve around your mother. You will need to pray and ask the Lord to give you grace, courage, patience, and lots of loving understanding.....and you will need to lovingly set some boundaries.
Do not cut off your visits! You are all she has now....please treat her kindly and tenderly. Pray for grace! One of these days you'll no longer have your mother....and you will deeply regret all the times you snapped at her, didn't visit, or all those missed times when you failed to tell her you love her. Think ahead. It's horrible to have these types of regrets.
Her days are numbered, as are yours. Treasure the time you have, for the day is surely coming when you'll lose her.
I hope and pray you both are saved, and headed to Heaven. We all have sinned and fallen way short of God's perfection. The only way to avoid Hell forever, and enjoy Heaven forever is to Repent of your sins, and ask Christ the Lord to be your Lord and Savior! It's a win-win for all who trust in Jesus Christ.
And, like the saying goes, "It's Hell without Him."
Grace to you and Shalom! 💜🕊💜
John 3:16, 17

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I so agree although my anger has prevented me from stating the facts as eloquently as you. God bless, and have mercy on us all.

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I would consider cutting back on your visits. It sounds like she has disregarded you most if not all of your life. She’s not going to change or listen to your entreaties. Ask the staff to encourage her. I am reminded of when people are placed in Memory Care and they are a mess when their family visits. But by being left alone they acclimated very well and surprised the family several weeks later. You are still her connection to her former world and she needs to find her way on her own. Caregiving is very hard and can be thankless. Figure out boundaries for yourself.

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“I would consider cutting back on your visits. It sounds like she has disregarded you most if not all of your life.”

—Who are you to give such horrible advice to someone, who is desperately in need. Just who do you think you are?
Caregiving is never thankless as God sees all.

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You aren’t going to change your mother at this point in time. She is entitled to do what she wants to do. At my mother’s AL having meals in the dining room is mandatory unless you are ill but not every day for 2 months. My mother prefers to spend most of her time in her room reading. It could be worse; she could be crying on the phone every day or very upset over being there but that isn’t the case. Be thankful that she appears to be okay with her living arrangements. Just accept what you have and continue your visits without recrimination.

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Excellent point, thanks. Good perspective.

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What if you go eat with her a couple times, so she’s sees it’s no big deal?
You can strike up conversation with adjacent tables and introduce her.
She might end up liking it once you “break the ice,” since she depends on you so much.
My mother did that until I dined with her and she connected with others.
They think everyone is “a senior” except themselves.

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Are you sure you have your mom in the right placement? Some people flourish better in assisted-living facilities, while others flourish better in adult foster care. There are pros and cons to both living situation, but one might be better for your mother than the other. Adult foster care is much more like a home environment and your mom may like that better. She also might not be in the right assisted living facility, so you may want to consider a change there. She should also be evaluated for depression. Depression occurs in more than 50% of the senior population.

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Thanks for the suggestion.

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I can relate to how you're feeling. My mother is 93 and just recently (8 months ago) moved to a retirement home. She goes to the dining room for her meals when she is not required to isolate in her room (when they've had cases of Covid). There are times when she is happy to participates in activities and times when she just wants to stay in her room. I stopped trying to encourage her to participate in activities and told her I can only visit her 3 times a week. We talk on the phone every day. That's when I noticed her making the effort to get more involved in things. My mom would love it if I visited her every day but I had to set some boundaries or go insane! She calls me about 3 times a day even on days when I visit. You need to ignore your mom's complaints and let her know what days you can visit. Cutting off visits altogether might be tempting but don't do that to her. Just set limits and let her decide whether she wants to be happy or not. Her happiness is not your responsibility. You can't force her to be happy so don't stress yourself out trying. When I decided to just let my mom do what she wants instead of constantly encouraging her she came around. It's her life, not mine, and she is very strong willed. I realize it's been really hard for her to lose her independence so I've stopped pushing and I let her make her own decisions. She is happier and I'm less stressed. Good luck to your and your mom. In time hopefully she'll adjust. Just know that you're doing your best and that's all any of us can do.

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Have you tried talking to a psychologist on-site on ideas that they may have to encourage her to socialize? Maybe be wheeled outside for some fresh air? It might be a small start and you can grow on.

My MIL just moved in with us, and I imagine she would be very similar. She has zero outside interests beyond the television, and really, she only wants to watch tv in the evenings. Her days are nothing short of boring, but I’m at a loss as to how to engage her and she doesn’t want to do anything. I finally got her to sit outside, and now that’s been part of her daily routine and she enjoys it. She likes the quiet, the fresh air, and the flowers.

What we’re going to do in the winter, I have no idea…

But in regards to your problem, I’d ask for help. I’m sure she’s not the first they’ve seen like this.

Best of luck, and please keep us updated.

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Does your mom like to play cards or do jigsaw puzzles? There are also puzzle books for seniors that help to stimulate their brain. You could also get her an easy to operate radio and download her favorite songs. (Amazon has radios for people with Dementia if that is an issue). A pet might be good for her. My mom enjoys spending time with my cat. I hope these suggestions help! Best of luck to you.

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Don't worry. Your mom will die sooner rather than later and you'll be off the hook. You don't realize how HORRIBLE it is among old people. They act like high schoolers, with bullies, nasties, and idiot verbalizations and insults. Often the staff don't know how to stop the bickering and abuses that take place among the INMATES. It is SCARY to go to the dining room. For me, I don't even fit into their chairs. I am GLAD I went from there into an over 55 apartment. I can do many things by myself, but need help like folding laundry and putting it away. I can order food from Instacart, and some states and cities have FREE food for seniors. How much is your mom able to do independently? If she can do ANYTHING by herself, no matter how small, it is best to move her to a senior apartment. Why is she in there? What is her condition? By the way , NO ONE makes up having diarrhea. As you get older, you lose control of your bowels. And, with irritable bowel syndrome, it comes on without notice. Often, by the time I KNOW I have to poop, it is all over the floor. It is also a part of neuropathy. I even cancel doctor appointments when I think I might have diarrhea on the way there. It sounds as if you are BURNED OUT taking care of her. Realize it is NOT her fault. It is YOU. You are RESENTING needing to care for your mom. I understand, you need a vacation. The only way is if you HIRE a caregiver to do what she wants YOU to do. Like you said, you can't afford much. Talk to some local social workers and get advice. They also have referrals for help.

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When you capitalize words like that, it reads like you’re screaming.

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See if you can partake of meals with her in the dining room. It might be worth the extra cost for a week or 2 to help her over this hurdle.

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Same issues with my mom who has been there 10 months. She refuses to make friends. Says nobody likes her. Says she is "not allowed" to sit at a table with other people. Mom has her own rules, and always has.

She told me the other day that my one brother visits maybe twice a month. She says it is because he feels obligated to visit, yet she never says anything about the other brother who has only seen her once in the 10 months she has been there. So I'm wondering if mom feels my brother visits only out of obligation, is that how she feels about me? I visit at least once a week. I try to straighten up for her, but that is met with I guess you would say "disdain." She says I am the only person who does that.

Mom still has "fresh" flowers from when she moved in, as well as a planter that has been there for ten months. She won't let me remove them, or even water the plant. She touches the dirt and says it's still damp.

She complains when people visit. Or, she may not even know who the person was who visited her for over an hour. She has told me that my niece and her husband are dingbats. Lately, she says that about a lot of people.

I don't really care to eat in the dining room with mom. She can't hear, and even though I write a lot of things, I don't want other people to know what we are talking about. It is a privacy thing. Her facility says they are charging $5.00 for every meal they eat in their room. So far, I have not seen a charge on her bill. I know she only eats two meals in the dining room a day.

Oh, and you can't force them to participate. Moving your mom to a facility is a big change for her. I can only imagine how she feels about that. I know mom has a lot of depression over the move yet she realizes she can't go home. If mom has ever participated in a crafty thing, a staff member usually helps her. Not sure if mom comprehends what is to be done, or she just doesn't care about doing it at all. You have to look at the different things your mom did when she was at home. Was she social, or was she a loner (other than you being her best friend?).

I've asked the doctor to see if they could get a psychiatrist to speak with mom. Perhaps he/she can find a way to motivate her.

I stayed away from my mom for about a month because of the way she treated me. Of course, she has/had no clue at all what she did to hurt me, or that it was wrong.

Mom really wants to go out to eat as well, but personally I am afraid to take her. I am afraid of her falling on my watch.

It is not your job to entertain her.

Good luck to you. I for one appreciate this forum.

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I do not know your mother but she has some valid points here. I live in assisted living and I have to tell you the food is awful. Thank god I have the means to get groceries into my refrigerator and there are many times I prepare my own meals in my room so I get decent meals from time to time. And I drive so I can go out to eat - I am the only one out of 100+ people who does this. And most all of these people have dementia, don't talk, do not do anything except sleep, eat, watch t.v. They don't interact with one another and it is terribly lonely. If your mother is in this situation, she will want to stay in her room and she is most likely happier there. As to you and depending on you, give her books, television (like Netflix), and other things to interest her. And DO take her to lunch which she will love - at least she'll get a decent meal.

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You may have to let go o what you know would be best for her and let her make the decision for herself. However that doesn’t mean enabling her by doing the things she “expects” from you when she wants them. You have taken care of her actual needs and safety by finding her this living situation, retreading and complaining may be what she needs to do to adjust.

One idea that came to mind is how about “taking her out to lunch” in the dining room, do they allow families to join residents in the dining room? Maybe doing that with her a couple of times would help her through he fear of the unknown? Also you could either spontaneously on your terms take her out to lunch so she isn’t controlling it but she knows it does happen or better yet schedule a day or two a week that you have a lunch date so she can look forward to and count on it giving less room for asking you to do it all the time. Your answer that way can be “we have a date to do that on Thursday remember”?

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My mother hasn't been out of her room in 18 months the staff has tried to get her to go to meals and activities nothing has worked. Before Covid I would have lunch there to get her out of room. She hated every single minute. When the ALF lets families eat in the dining room we will try again.
My father is her enabler. He brings their meals back to their rooms. I used to get so upset with this situation but now I realize it is the ALF job to get her out and about.
So it just is what it is.

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My Mom also self isolates. She is pleasant and compliant with the staff but just will not take advantage of any activities or interaction. Yes, extremely maddening especially when she complains she is bored. She lies in bed all day even though she remains capable of getting out and about the facility. Early on the family was advised to not visit when she first moved in, in order to acclimate her to her new living situation and integration. Which we did based on their knowledge but her behavior never changed. But I have been told that part of dementia is to retreat to the bed because it feels safe and comfortable. Also it can be difficult in the new environment because of the lack of ability to intake the new stimuli and environment and knowing exactly what to do, where to go, and unfamiliar faces and who to trust because all are strangers.

Professional advice may be helpful in balancing whether to “enable” by visiting or take a break while being attentive by phone, etc. It is difficult to know where the lines are. Is her mind still good enough that bargaining will work? You go to cafe today and we’ll go out tomorrow, but not if you stay in your room? That generation can be more compliant if doctor’s orders are given (for example - group exercise class) - worth a shot - but from what you describe this route likely won’t work either.

Good luck - with you in solidarity amidst this frustrating situation!

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My Mom was in a NH for 5 years on Medicaid with a roommate - twice. Mom was so laid back and became best friends with the first one for over 2 years. They started going to activities together, and meal room.
The second one had dementia problems causing her anger and violent acts against my mom. She liked her anyway and did still things together, while being punched in the arm, and having her possessions stolen. (that's where we got involved).
She hated the NH but loved to be around people.
We pay FICA and other taxes our whole lives in the unexpected times we need them. It's hard visiting your mom in a NH being drugged into submission each day, especially when it's time to leave - with that look in her eyes.
Learn to live your life, and explain what your doing to your mom. But do not neglect her at the same time. There is a happy median, find it.

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The only thing I can think of is coming up with some ideas of things your mom enjoyed/her interests or thing likes to do - and find a way to implement that into her meeting others. Depending on restrictions at her place - find something you think would peak her interest and you actually provide the activity for a larger group?
Does you mom like coffee time (dunkin doughnuts or favorite local cookies from a bakery) along with crosswords/puzzles/crafting/painting - get a box of Joe - doughnuts or cookies and a few games/crafts/puzzles/reading book club etc and say hey let’s go down to the main room on Saturday and we will bring in some treats and have a bit of a social (maybe her place offers an outdoor space) or even ask one of the activity directors if you brought an idea in and dropped it off if they would set it up for you and get it started if ur not allowed to participate due to covid restrictions). I have no idea how many people are in moms place but if you think of something that mom had as a hobby asking to have a sign up sheet fir the first 10/20 people and you drop off an activity or a pizza party/with moms favorite movie - or outdoor game with ice tea and treats etc.
Something that is a hobby to her and she enjoys and having her offer it as an hour social and u provide a few things for it? I know all places are different as to size - restrictions but if she likes to crochet - or garden - or paint - create something out of her interests that she might find others with the same?

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You shouldn't stop visiting.

She is in a place she doesn't want to be and no one would.

You might ask her now if she would like a Roommate.

You should visit her at meal times and go with her to the Dinning Room to eat and after a few times she may feel comfortable to go by herself.

Doesn't hurt to treat her out to lunch once a week either.

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Working full time with a household of my own to take care of, I don't visit but once a week, when I usually take her out to lunch. We do talk on the phone. Unfortunately, they are not allowing visitors in the dining room during the pandemic, otherwise I would do that very thing.

I just might ask her if she's ready for a roommate. I'd have to explain to her that, no, I'm not kidding, and that she needs to start thinking about it.

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If she is being properly taken care of, I wouldn't worry about her socialization. Let het stay in her room if that's her choice, but don't feel you need to take up all the slack or serve as her constant entertainment or social connection. If she chooses to be by herself, leave her by herself.

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first YOU are not responsible for paying her bills out of YOUR money. It has to come from her money, so if she qualifies for medicaid, then she will have to get used to sharing a room. most places I think have a dividing curtain so if she doesn't want to see the other person, she can or they will pull the curtain part way. My mother had to be in nursing home for rehab in 2018 and was in a room with a lady that mom eventually got her to talk to mom. but mom would never go down to eat in the main lunch area, she said she was fine eating alone. I even encouraged her to go play bingo but she said no. Now she is back in nursing home due to major health issues that cannot be handled at home. She still eats in her room, but she does go down to play bingo and attend the church service they have in there (which i am glad). So if your mom don't want to go out and eat in the main area with the others, not much you can do. And just let her know that you can't help it if she doesn't like the food. Maybe tell a little white lie and let her know that you won't be able to come in for a week due to having a cold, or whatever and don't want to spread any germs. Tell her to take part in some activities so you have something to talk about when you call her. Not much else you can do other than not going in for about a week or two and just let her know that you had other things come up (problem with car, being sick, etc, phone not working)........wishing you luck.

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Wolflover, thanks for that reminder. I don't intend to pay for anything, trust me. I've used the white lie approach, it can be effective.

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May I suggest, if your mom is feeling well with no problems, why not take her and join her in the AL dining room with you. You could perhaps start a conversation with one or two of the residents and maybe your mom will join in. However, I would caution you to ask the resident(s) you sit next to if it is ok for the two of you to join them at the table. Residents in AL and NH are usually territorial and do not like if you take “their” seat. You could also eat and taste some of food with your Mom. Bring along her favorite dessert and surprise her; maybe a little extra for her table friends as well. Once the ice is broken maybe some friendships will start.

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Very well stayed; lol,, I wanted to be more sarcastic. Mom’s at a Brookdale property & your right about asking and helping her intermingle til she finds her nitch

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Just like you, I am an only child, married with kids and a full-time job and my mother’s everything. My mom lives in AL, is 90 years old and doesn’t participate in the activities at all. She does eat in the dining room because the food is much better there. When it comes up to the apartment it is cold.
My suggestion would be to have a meeting with the Director of Nursing and ask that she be escorted to the dining room for two meals a day. She can have one delivered. My next suggestion would be to get her a clock which is designed for seniors which has the date, time, and temp on it. Next to that write in big letters/numbers on a piece of paper what times she needs to go for meals. This helps. It might be a bit overwhelming for her and she doesn’t want to be embarrassed. If she has dental issues that needs to be addressed with the Director as well. They will steer her to meals that she can easily chew and swallow. I pick up my mom (she meets me in the lobby) and take her to my house for dinner. She comes for a few hours and I drive her back to her place. She lives 3 minutes away. Try this a few times a week and make her wait in the lobby (say you hit some traffic, got stuck at work) and she will meet people waiting for you to arrive and swing by and pick her up. I got my mom a weekly bridge game as I was loading her walker in my trunk. Just chatted up a couple and now she plays bridge on Monday afternoons. I wrote that down in big letters next to the clock too!
Best wishes!

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Is it possible for you to have a meal with her in the dining room?
Tell her.."mom we are going to go have dinner. (or lunch) Get yourself ready"
I am sure she will expect you to take her to the car but instead walk her to the dining room.
Just like a child's first day in a new school she may be nervous about meeting new people, new places. She may be afraid she will not know what to do.
Is it even possible that she is afraid she will get lost in the building? Not know her way to the dining room, back to her room? If she has spent 2 months in her room she probably has not "explored" much of the building at this point and may not know her way around. (some of this I could blame on the staff for not doing something more to welcome a new resident.)

I do have to add that if she has always been this way then it is futile to expect her to change what can change is your expectation that it will or should change and realize it is not your job to make her happy nor to entertain her.

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Unfortunately, no visitors in the dining room during the pandemic. Otherwise I would so do that (and have in previous locations).

As far as getting lost, I suppose that's possible, but everything is a loop and it's not all that big. She says she goes out at night when everyone is sleeping. She says she does her own laundry at night, doesn't want the staff to see her soiled garments.

Honestly I don't know what to believe. She's good at looking good to outsiders.

But, yes, I agree and understand in theory that it's not my job to make her happy. I tell her that all the time. I can't decide if she understands me or not, but I can say that she has always lived vicariously through me, and I understand that's how she is. It's my job to separate myself, in my own mind, and compartmentalize her in her place so I can get on with it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

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I made the decision to visit mom 3 days per week. Sundays I take her to church and then my apartment for lunch, Tuesday is a car drive and Hot Fudge Sundae, and Friday 2 hrs in her AL. This gave mom 4 days to adjust and make friends. She is 87 and always was a home body. At 70 I told her I need a life and time for friends. She finally started meals in the dining room and attends all activities!! You must not give in to manipulation. My therapist taught me I am responsible for mom to have a roof over her head, good healthcare and safety. I am NOT responsible to keep her happy. That is HER job..Tough to watch but it worked! Good luck..ps; as a retired Nutrition clinical staff member of AL and nursing homes..unhappy residents use food complaints to get family to come look at meals and to bring in food. Rarely, if ever , is food an issue…it is the only safe thing to complain about!! I ignored moms food complaints and bring some fresh fruit gifts..she now also eats well.

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That sounds reasonable and sane. I am still working full time, so she gets either Saturday or Sunday. I take her to lunch and then to get hair or nails or shopping (not food) done. It takes pretty much the full day--I get there around 11-1130, have been times that haven't gotten home till 630-7. Practically a full time job. Everything takes twice as long.

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Who is paying for AL? I hope it’s her, not you! Tell her how much it costs, and that part of the fee is for the activities. If she won’t use them, it’s a waste of money. What other option would she like to try – and living with you is NOT one of them. And yes, don’t visit unless she is ready to talk to you what she has been doing. Tell her it’s too boring and depressing to bother at present! Tough love?

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Wow! Little too tough

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