My mother recently moved into AL. She has yet to eat in the dining room, and it's been literally 2 months. She has any and every excuse, from not feeling well to being contagious, from not feeling like getting dressed to being full from the previous meal. The staff, of course, bring the meals to her room, and then she complains about the food. I have told her that if she goes to the dining room, she can choose the alternate, but if they bring her food, she gets what they pick. That has fallen on (literally) deaf ears. Finally, she tells me she has diarrhea and can't go to the dining room, but she wants me to take her out to lunch. (UGH!) So frustrating.
Any advice on how to motivate her to socialize with the residents? Driving me nuts, as she feels it's my responsibility to entertain her.
(She's been that way all of my life, relying on me and my life, which is a whole 'nother topic. Or better, therapy for me, haha! I don't look forward to the day she finds out that she has to be in a double room to get Medicaid. We are not made of money.)
I'm of a mind to stop visiting altogether until she starts participating.
Signed--Only Child who would like to get on with her Only Life, which was the point of AL.
You can strike up conversation with adjacent tables and introduce her.
She might end up liking it once you “break the ice,” since she depends on you so much.
My mother did that until I dined with her and she connected with others.
They think everyone is “a senior” except themselves.
—Who are you to give such horrible advice to someone, who is desperately in need. Just who do you think you are?
Caregiving is never thankless as God sees all.
I'm in complete agreement with the answer that Impossible offered!
The world doesn't revolve around you, nor does it revolve around your mother. You will need to pray and ask the Lord to give you grace, courage, patience, and lots of loving understanding.....and you will need to lovingly set some boundaries.
Do not cut off your visits! You are all she has now....please treat her kindly and tenderly. Pray for grace! One of these days you'll no longer have your mother....and you will deeply regret all the times you snapped at her, didn't visit, or all those missed times when you failed to tell her you love her. Think ahead. It's horrible to have these types of regrets.
Her days are numbered, as are yours. Treasure the time you have, for the day is surely coming when you'll lose her.
I hope and pray you both are saved, and headed to Heaven. We all have sinned and fallen way short of God's perfection. The only way to avoid Hell forever, and enjoy Heaven forever is to Repent of your sins, and ask Christ the Lord to be your Lord and Savior! It's a win-win for all who trust in Jesus Christ.
And, like the saying goes, "It's Hell without Him."
Grace to you and Shalom! 💜🕊💜
John 3:16, 17
If your mother has always been a bit introverted, she won't change for you or any of the "professional" helpers at the institution. Don't expect her to be drawn to socializing and don't force her into activities that don't interest her. (I speak as a life-long "introvert")
I do, however, strongly favor the idea of you joining her for a meal (or more) in the dining room. BUT be sure to enlist the help of care givers or professionals who know other residents well. You don't want her to sit where she will feel unwelcome. It's true, as someone has posted, that AL residents tend to be "territorial" about seating at meals. She needs to sit with someone who will be more or less welcoming and friendly, who won't take her presence as some kind of intrusion. You can assist with finding topics of mealtime conversation as needed. If she can find someone to consider a "friend" your problem may be partly solved.
Remember to take care of yourself, too. We are all human. Nobody has all the answers. But you are trying to provide the best for her and she is lucky to have a caring daughter.
If you can't convince her to come out of her room, and the AD can't convince her either, then so be it. It's not up to YOU to be her entertainment director, however, and she went into AL precisely so you could move on with your life. I suggest you do that beginning today. That's not to say you cut mother out of your life; just that you let her know you only have X amount of time each week to visit, and she can use that time with you as she sees fit. Stop questioning her about where she's eating her meals, and just make small talk when you do chat. How she chooses to spend her day is her business, and vice versa. It's not YOUR job to micro-manage her life at the ALF, just as it's not her job to micro manage your life in your home. Right? Think of it that way (after you have the talk with the AD). In my experience, when you leave the elder alone to their own devices, they eventually carve out a life of their OWN in the ALF, especially when you don't visit them constantly.
That said, I am an only child too and have been caring for my parents (now just my 94 y/o mother) since I moved them here in 2011, so for 10+ years. Mother lives in Memory Care AL since 2019, and in AL since 2014. Being an only child and fully responsible for a parent (or two) is a huge thing; people don't understand the magnitude of it unless they are in the same position. We are human beings above & beyond all else. To be preached at and told we need to be more than perfect or we'll forfeit our spot in heaven otherwise is inappropriate. We are doing the BEST WE CAN and you know what? It's Enough. I am here to tell you THAT, if nothing else. Let go of what you can't control, don't let images of fire & brimstone cloud your good judgement, and know that your mother is in good hands in the ALF. You can't fix her; SHE needs to fix herself; you're just here to help in any way you can. So do what you can for her and let the rest GO, or you will wind up with compassion fatigue, extreme exhaustion and looking for a psychiatrist to prescribe meds for YOU instead of for her. Trust me, I know.
Wishing you the best of luck finding peace with the entire situation and allowing yourself to have your OWN life here, too.
The most suggested, eating with her in the dining room, is a no-go till the pandemic is over. I can eat with her in her room, but they will not bring me a meal, I would have to bring my own food. Which.... kinda defeats the purpose.
What has been helpful is the advice to allow myself to just let her be. It is not my responsibility, any of it, except to do what I have been doing, which is making sure she is safe, fed, warm (or cool), and dry.