My mom had quit for a few years and started up again. The apartment building is completely non-smoking and is located above a medical office. She smoked so much that the office below complained of the smell coming through the vents. The landlord has threatened eviction and neighbors have complained.
So about a year ago I got her to switch to a vape inside. She did well with that for the most part. Well the neighbors who were the biggest complainers moved out this week and yesterday she started up smoking like a chimney! The caregiver is a non smoker and was extremely upset. Sent me multiple texts yesterday that she can’t be around the smoke etc etc. I’ve asked/begged mom to stop smoking inside/go outside/use the vape instead etc and she says it’s fine because she opened the window. (with the heat blasting because she was cold smh).
She also says she doesn’t care if caregiver doesn’t like it and if she quits oh well.
I am beyond upset about this and am dreading the inevitable call from the landlord.
I don’t know what to do to get her to stop smoking inside because almost everything is non-smoking now, I’m some places even vaping is not allowed.
One of the neighbors complaints was that vaping was just as bad and was even pushing landlord to make that not allowed in the building as well.
if she is not in dementia...you will have to let her stew in the mess of her own making...just be sure she is able to understand that, even if she is unwilling to help herself.
I quit smoking. It is not impossible. She did it before. But, she has to want to quit. If you keep rescuing her, she will not have the motivation.
The fact that your mother is being so brazen about the smoking even with threats of eviction and care-givers quitting makes me wonder if she wants to move back in with you?
Maybe tell mom if she gets evicted she's going to a care home or homeless shelter because your house is not an option. Her behavior here is unacceptable.
I don't blame you for being upset. I would be furious too. I could see my mom doing something like what you describe. In fact when she was a smoker years ago she was also one of those rude smokers who would smoke around people who didn't like it (including me) and in their homes. Used to drive me crazy, that's probably why your post touched a nerve for me.
What were the circumstances of her quitting before? Anything that might work again?
Is she approaching incompetence, so her next move might be custodial care where they are authorized to enforce rules like no smoking? (Remember that any POA, etc. needs to be done while she is still competent, so taking care of the paperwork could be more important than any eviction.)
Can you make it less easy for her to access money? You aren't subsidizing her spending are you?
Can you interfere with cigarette acquisition, but be very helpful with substitutes like patches or vapes?
This could get ugly. Unless you think you can just tell Mom it's her problem now, you'd better get a plan ready.
You can prepare by calling a few local care agencies and seeing if they have people who work with smokers. Let Mom compare the availability and costs.
Have another look for places where smoking is allowed, and remind her how inferior they are: small, smelly, places in bad locations, or sharing with other smokers. Maybe she could buy a cheap trailer and pay lot rent? Be aware that getting out of one can be expensive because realtor fees are in dollars not percentages; lot rent is due while unsold. Remind her and yourself that you aren't signing or paying for anything personally.
You might also give her information on full service mover costs, reminding her that you won't be performing this service either. Set her up with the information on any local eviction assistance services.
Remember to take care of yourself too.
The longer answer is more complicated because there is a real possibility that your mom will get evicted. Then what? A little more information would be helpful...
Is she in a regular apartment, an independent living facility, assisted living, or ???
Is she a mentally competent adult able to make her own decisions with a full understanding of the possible consequences?
Other than simply being allowed to smoke where smoking is not allowed, what would your mom propose?
unfortunately this coincided with a psychotic episode and my mom has been spiraling down.