How to get a thicker skin?

I'm sorry for what you are going through--and yes, it's the dementia that makes them say hurtful things. Whether it's the fact their filter has gone, and they are really speaking their minds or they are making things up--doesn't really make us feel any better, does it?

I know that a LOT of what my mother says to me is what she has been
holding in check' for 65 years. A LOT. And it's all hurtful--almost as of she feels like she needs to get this OUT before she dies. Nothing new, it's the same old, same old.

If you can, simply walk away when mom gets in a mood. Does she live with you? That does make it harder, but it can be done.

I have learned to take control of my time spent with mom. All she wants to talk about are other people and not in a nice way--or about her ONE remaining friend, whom she puts down and criticizes, so I DON'T understand that.

Less time spent with mom is probably one way to grow a thicker skin. If that isn't possible, then just working on patience...if you have to be there caring for her.

BTW, TELLING mom she's being offensive is absolutely a waste of breath, but I DO call her out when she's being racist or flat out mean. Some of what I say sticks with her, on some level.

It’s one thing knowing it’s the dementia, but another VERY different thing accepting that whatever relationship you had with your mother in childhood, you owe it to yourself to realize that the person you remember is NOT part of your life now.

The Man On The Bus can rave and yell and say outrageous and untrue things, but you don’t have to believe or pay attention to what he’s saying (or yelling or screaming). He has NO POWER.

The mom who had “power” just isn’t there. If she has a relationship with a physician, would it be helpful to give a “mood smoothing” medication a try?

Many of us have found small doses of medication a helpful tool when dealing with very elderly LOs who have been deprived of their ability to filter what they say. You can request something that will have the fewest negative effects possible, at the lowest dose.

It may be good for both you and your sister to consider having someone coming in to provide respite time for you both. Your mother will protest, but her protests will not necessarily mean that you shouldn’t go ahead and get someone. Prepare a respite visitor for what to expect, then leave for an hour or two to spend doing something that you or your sister enjoy.

You deserve that.

I agree with Ann; respite is the best answer to a problem that has no real solution. Mean & hurtful remarks from a demented mother STILL hurt, in spite of knowing they have dementia. My own 94 y/o demented mother has said some things to me that have cut very deeply and hurt me to the core. So I step back; I stop calling her for a while and call off a scheduled visit to give me time to let the raw emotion calm down.

It seems that you and your sister take turns caring for your mom? That's good..........so if/when she says something awful to you, switch off with your sister or consider hiring some PAID help to come into her home to give you BOTH some well deserved time off. A vacation sounds great right now, I'll bet, doesn't it? Dementia & advanced old age doesn't give a mother a free pass to say horrible things to her daughter...........it still hurts and it's still awful. You're allowed to feel badly and have it sting. I have no idea how to grow a 'thicker skin' except to remove yourself from the toxic behavior for a while.

Good luck!

Response to an elderly person's behavior with dementia has to be based on how advanced their dementia is.
I've worked with many elderly people who's behavior ranged from snide and intentionally hurtful comments, to downright obscene with physical aggression mixed in.
When the snide and intentionally hurtful comments start up, tell her that she is wrong to say such things and you will not tolerate it. Then completely ignore her. Go about your business and do not acknowledge her in any way even if she's trying to get your attention. Pretend like she isn't even there. Keep this going for as long as you need to. Ignoring is for you, not her and it will help.
It's good that she doesn't get physical with you. That's harder to deal with. I've had a few who did some worse than others.
I had one woman who's family was at the end of their rope with her. She was very violent. Hitting, biting, spitting, you name it. The family was convinced that it was all the dementia. There was a pattern though. She'd start with saying the most horrendous insults and use the worst profanity imaginable. If no one acted hurt or responded in kind to her, she'd get violent.
When she got used to me and I was familiar to her, the verbal abuse started. I ignored it for a while, then it started turning physical like it always did with her family. Usually I handled her by pushing her arms down or ducking out of the way. One time she bit me and hard enough to draw blood. So I slapped her. Not in the face. On the upper arm. Not so hard that I used my full force because I'm a strong woman and I wasn't intending to injure her, but hard enough to intimidate and scare her a bit. Then I got about an inch away from her face and told her that she will never touch me again. She never did and I was with her five days a week for three years after that. When the profanity and verbal abuse would start, I'd tell her to shut the hell up and no one cares. That abuse and profanity all but stopped too and we got along great after that. I explained all that happened with to her family and they understood. Even though she had dementia, there was still a level of comprehension and self-preservation. She was able to keep her abusive behavior pretty much in check with me. Even though she had dementia she also had awareness of how far she could go with me. Her family patiently tolerated every kind abuse from her for a long time. They never pushed back, so she pushed harder.
Try giving a little bit of it back to her. Not too much, but some. Sure, it will be hard to because she's your mom, but try anyway. You might be surprised and see her behavior towards you improve.

thicker skin...

hugs!!!
i think it’s a great question.

i don’t know the answer.

i think the sweeter, kinder you are, the more likely you’ll get hurt by mean comments because it’s so far away from who you are.

mean people don’t really get hurt by other mean people’s comments.

but—
we should not become mean people.

...how to develop some superhuman ability to feel less pain/less hurt?

maybe for some people, it’s useful, if they believe in karma...that there’s justice.

i don’t know the answer how to develop thicker skin — normally the advice is: avoid mean people/mean comments.

of course, many of us can’t avoid the person saying the hurtful words.

somehow try to find a way to stay happy.

be careful:
hurtful words are damaging, just like encouraging words can make us fly and reach our dreams.

who we are surrounded by, matters.

i like the quote:
“before you diagnose yourself as depressed, make sure you’re not in fact surrounded by ***ssholes.”

hug!!!!

Hello Rosadelima. Maybe at this point you may want to find information on Dementia. Which will help you and your Mom

I am learning The more knowledge you have on Dementia your thoughts will change ,for the better.

Learning how to cope with help subside some of your mood wing.
Mom’s life is changing;therefore she feels scared. To help and assist her in love you MUST take of you first.
And you can do this. Step at a time. Stay encouraged new idea will u fold to you. This website is support ;stay with it okay.
Have a peaceful day!

I had to become a mom to her. In other words I had to become the much more intelligent and mature person to both my parents. They become children.

I am new to this forum. A family friend recommended that I join. Obviously to read your question and not feel so alone. It is so hurtful to hear things that take you by surprise and if affects you the more and more it occurs. I hear you! Thank you for making me feel less alone in this!

I know the feeling too well I heard my mum running me down to get Carer the other day as she had left the phone off the hook by mistake I was really hurt to hear what she had been saying about me so I have told her that she can deal with things on her own from now on as I’m not getting upset any more, I normally phone every day and go round and I have distanced myself and found this has helped it’s hard to ignore their hurtful comments but sometimes talking a step back is the easier option good luck

We all have good and bad days. Like children, my mother and my husband, do not remember their hurtful expressions. Don't embrace their negative energy when they have those out of body experiences. Counter it with patience, love, joyful memories, humor, and lots of forgiveness. You can control some of your emotions--and believe me, practice will never lead to perfection but, try all the same.

Juse keep telling yourself it's tge dementia but also let her know the remarks aren't nice and hurt your feelings.

My Dad has Dementia and he'll be 97 next month.

If he does or says something not nice, he will say he's sorry.

Juse look at it as training a young child only know that they can't get better with age.

Prayer helps for me. I pray for wisdom, strength and understanding.
Also, compare her present behavior with past behavior. When my mom told me, "I used to think you were smart, but you are stupid," I thought about all the years that my mom was my number 1 fan, and decided that I could ignore the comment because it wasn't her. I agree with those who say to tell her her comments are inappropriate, but realize that she will probably forget.
Finally, to reduce some of that behavior, I use a trick I learned with disciplining my children and grandchildren. I emotionally "switch sides". Children don't want to be badly behaved, the people we care for don't want to be angry with us, or for us to be angry with them. So what is causing the behavior and how can I help? Is the child confused about what is expected? Overwhelmed by some emotion? Have I been nagging? Is my mom confused or scared? Is her pain getting out of control? Is anxiety taking over? Putting myself on their side allows me to help them control their behavior and de-escalate the situation.

Praying silently helps. Some folks like the Lord's prayer and others like the Serenity prayer.

Remind yourself that she is not trying to hurt you intentionally. Her memories may be jumbled and that is what you are hearing. Or, she has lost her social filter and you are hearing the negative thoughts she always had. If the latter, I remind myself that we all have dark thoughts that we usually keep under wraps.

Redirect the conversation. If she is negative about you, direct her to happier moments you shared or to a happier activity. If it is about others, do the same. Remind yourself that what one focuses thoughts on becomes one's reality.

My Mom has gone back to telling me that she doesn't want me around. She only wants to be with my sister. Mom told me she did not want me taking care of her long before she showed any signs of Alzheimer's Disease. Last year, from May until December, she told me 10 to 12 times a day she didn't want me and didn't love me. So it starts again now. I see a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist, and a priest. Believe me, I pray each and every time it happens. Intellectually I understand that this is the dementia talking, but my heart tells me this is my Mother's voice: the Mother who took care of me for the last 57 years through all of my 33 surgeries, various procedures, diseases and illnesses. My sister, her favorite, has a full time job and cannot take care of her. I am, imagine this, on disability, and "have the time" to be Mom's full time caretaker, so she is stuck with me. I used to apologize to her for being the one here. Now I just tell her to put up and shut up. I am doing a great job, she is healthy and I make sure she has something happy in every day. So when your Mom starts to drag you down, ask her where she would like to be? Because the only place she is going, if it isn't with me, is the grave. (I had better explain this last sentence. Mom does NOT want to leave her home. She wants to die here. My sister and I are working like mad to make sure that happens for our Mom because she would have done the same for us. We are reasonably sure we can make it happen.)

You're asking the billion dollar question (from my experience) and a million isn't what it used to be worth -

* With a background in decades of personal growth, inner work / consciousness, workshops, trainings, meditation 'all of it,' I found myself STILL experiencing the pain that you bring up. It was the one major area I SO DESPERATELY wanted to work on in myself and CONQUER. This is what I realized (during those three years - FYI: I was working with a client, needed the income/job, loved the work, confronted client with angry tirades/rages directed at me, can / did / do set boundaries clearly, and have years of therapist type trainings although not a licensed therapist.

1. Study / learn about dementia and responses. Knowing a person's brain has changed and that their behavior is 'brain controlled,' and not how your mom 'really wants' to behave towards you may help. Develop compassion.

2. Set clear boundaries with her if she can't understand. If she cannot understand you, the talking them out loud will reinforce to you what you need to do. "I am giving you a time out for xxx (5 minutes, 10+ minutes, 1+ hours, etc). And, as possible, take a day or two off. (Find others to fill in, even if you need to pay someone for a four hour shift).

3. When these situations start, leave IMMEDIATELY.

4. Shift your environment and focus. When you leave, look at nature if you can, talk to someone else who is emotionally available, even for a couple of minutes.

5. Be with your feelings. Don't push them back. Your feelings are giving you 'good' useful information about who you are.

6. Learn / look up Focusing; it is a model / process of inner work which I learned many years ago (and guided others professionally). You may want to do this type of exploration at another time, at home, when you are at peace.

7. Learn to talk to your 'feelings' once you identify them (part of Focusing technique). i.e., if you identify fear, feel it saying:
"I am keeping you safe"
"I am safe" (meaning you, yourself, now in this moment - be your own healer / therapist / parent (good parent), etc. Learn to be on your own team.

7a. Feel / realize how your mom communicates is [the degree] of FEAR and terror SHE FEELS and turn your reaction to compassion ... to feel her fear, thereby lessening how you feel (hurt, wounded, perhaps violated).

8. It takes time and repetition to change your own reactions when a wounded, vulnerable area is open and a container of salt is poured into it. Ouch.

9. Develop / find your 'safe place' in your body mind spirit. You likely have a few. Past experiences that delight you,
being in nature, kids -
whatever brings you a sense of joy and equanimity, serenity -
See that image and focus on it. Shift your experience from the feelings of hurt to a place that brings you a positive experience / feeling. In one of my trainings, they suggested 'turning the channel on a tv.'

10. At times I decided that I 'cannot' not feel what is triggered inside me and accepted it. Yes, I certainly thought with ALL my trainings and awareness, I could conquer these painful 'surprise' moments and often I could not. Love yourself through it all. Fortunately for me, I ALSO had very loving, connected moments with this client and actually loved (the essence of who she was) . . . at times. It was not a 24/8 (I was w/her up to 8 hours/day) rage. She always thanked me for everything I did right before I left for the day.

11. Expect these situations to happen. Role play ahead of time in your head and see how you react. Be the Director of these scenarios (= re-program yourself). Or role play with another person.

12. Be sure to take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, get enough sleep. Get your (emotional, spiritual, physical, mental) ducks in a row to be 'armed' and ready. She will not change. You have the gift of being able to and it starts with self compassion and unconditional love. We all need to do this 'all' the love. Gena.

My Alzheimer's-ridden mom would sometimes tell me, over nothing, to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" The first time she said that, I was appalled. The 10th time, I was mortified. By the 20th time, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that humor went a long way. To that end, I wrote a book about taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."
I also learned to curse the disease, and not the person. When my mom would get in these moods, my husband would often mouth the words, "It's not really your mother," and he was right. She'd never speak that way to anyone about anything, let alone to me, about nothing. That's why I wrote the book, to help me and others, remember that it's often "not really your mother." Best of luck.

I find comfort in the arms of Jesus. Pour out your heart to Him. There is not one experience you are going through that He has not gone through.
I have been live in care giver to a Karen for the past six years and would not have made it this far without Christ.

I have learned a few things in life - I will be 88. First of all, dementia is horrible and the resulting behaviors and needs and actions will eventually destroy and have a horrible negative impact on the family who takes care of them - and I doubt caretakers will last long. So, what are your choices? First of all, if they are impacting you badly, you must place them away from you so you can live your life which you deserve. If you can't or won't do that, forget trying to reason with them, etc. - just does not work - and you will remain impacted very negatively.

Practice. Practice. Practice. With each day that passes a thicker skin will grow. Also verbally acknowledge to yourself each day, that its the disease and not your mother - may take some of the sting out. Even when our parents become our children, we're still their daughters/sons and many of us still value their good opinion of us.

If its early in the dementia process you may be able to call her on the behavior, tell her that's wasn't a nice thing to say. Sad to say but her filters are breaking down and what goes in the brain comes out without much, if any forethought.

Dementia is a rollercoaster ride not only for the caregiver but for the one experiencing dementia. If she is aware that something is wrong with her mind then she is also aware she is losing herself and is probably fearful, grieving and who knows what else. As the dementia takes hold there will be many changes to her moods and words. Continue to push back but there may come a time where she will no longer comprehend she did something wrong.

If she hasn't been evaluated, please have her Doc see her and if appropriate referred to a geriatric Doc or a neurologist experienced in dementia.

Good luck and try and find some humor each day to carry you through this new journey. Each day save up the good memories you have of her.

Imho, my mother, who did NOT have dementia, told me "I'll pack your bag to go home" when I had to move in with her from out of state. That was hurtful because I was there to be her caregiver. She said other hurtful things, too, but quite honestly, I did not keep them on my brain because I would constantly thing on them rather than more pleasant things about her.

Edit: I did not keep the things on my brain because I would constantly *think* on them.

It’s not your mother. It’s the awful disease that has taken over her. Let it go.

So you understand it's the dementia talking, right? Her comments have nothing to do with you or your relationship. Don't take it personally. Easy to do isn't it? NOT. Hurtful speech or swearing may be triggered by anger, anxiety, pain or frustration. Our reaction is normally to take affront to such behavior and react to it. You know that doesn't work.

I don't know how you would develop a thicker skin, but maybe you can play along with it. “OK, mom, I'll work on that” if she accuses you of something or calls you stupid, for instance. If she swears, “You sound like someone in an X rated movie mom”. Innocuous responses like these won't sound confrontational, may allow you to deal with her behavior and even validate her concerns. Just some thoughts.

Make up your own responses. It might change your mindset so you're not so hurt by her disinhibition.