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Darlin, I am so sad that you are going through this awful process. I have not been there, hoping that by bumping this up you can get some better advice,. So, dad will be represented. It may feel adversarial, but you are doing the right thing. ((((((Hugs))))
I agree , don’t tell them anything. But I would point out that most states will follow the legal process of a mental exam, papers will be served on your parent and a guardian ad litem will be appointed who will visit your parent.
With my folks, I stayed the hell away and let the process go forth. Two factors saved me from the wrath of my parents: The dementia was pretty advanced, not much short term memory and the people involved were all very tactful in dealing with my folks.
Your parent may may be more cognizant than mine were but do what you have to do to take care of them.
oh...just saw your new post. What to tell him? Anything that keeps him calm. My fibs at that point with my folks were academy award winning.
Darlin you will be making a mistake to leave. We all give our honest opinions here; that is rather valuable. We can each only state what we think and describe what's worked for us.
I haven't seen anybody accusing Darlin of wrongdoing, simply stating the facts. I've never gone through the process but taking away anyone's self determination is a Very Serious Thing and not taken lightly by the courts. It seems all well and good when the person seeking guardianship has the person's best interests at heart, but an impartial court must always be alert for those who would attempt take away those rights fraudulently, that's why both sides are given the opportunity to present their case.
I had to seek guardianship of my dad a year ago due to his advancing dementia and his inability to make decisions. I told him what was going on at the time he was served papers and the court visitor went to see him. He was still cognizant enough to call his attorney and fight it. We ended up keeping the whole thing out of court. Neither attorney wanted him to go in front of the judge. He fought the guardianship but we were able to get to some agreements over his biggest sticking points (i.e. not wanting to move from his house and I am unable to sell his cars) and he agreed to it. He still hates it. Thinks I have too much control of his money but at this point it is totally necessary. Fast forward a year, and I hate this. It is destroying my marriage. I work full time, trying to have my own life. This is a big strain on my own time and mental abilities. I get no support from my husband but I have a great counselor I can vent to. I am under a great deal of pressure from his care service to move him out of his house and he absolutely won't go. I have quickly learned that just because I have guardianship, this does not mean that he will do what I say. I'm terribly stuck in the middle. I am getting closer and closer to calling my attorney and walking away from this and having a professional guardian assigned (his care service has pushed me many times to do this) but my siblings would never forgive me (I have 3 siblings who don't help with this. They are merely waiting for their inheritance.) I would tell anyone to think twice about doing this.
Yeah, I must not have stated the question correctly! This is something that is underway, not that I'm contemplating. I meant that I would like suggestions for wording it. He has been served papers and a court investigator will be there tomorrow. I like to have good wording for things. Especially since I will need to restate it often. Also, it is possible he could go to court with a public defender. I have told him, that if he receives some legal paperwork not to worry that I will take care of all of it. I have told him the court investigator is a lady I met that wants to see his paintings and that she is there to help with paperwork too. That went over fine for the moment because I got him at a calm time. I'm just wondering if anyone has some nice soothing statements that can help allay his fears when he gets agitated or paranoid about all this, which is bound to happen.
I started to read some of the responses but it sounded like some became too contentious and I don't feel like reading that here. I did however read you addition with more details and I'm not entirely clear as to why you need to help him fight this. I would think the very fact that he is unable to get himself to court dates or take care of the details needed to fight it is the very proof he needs this protection. Also the proper people have done their due diligence, explained the process as well as the reasons to him, I'm not sure I would continue to discuss it with him and keep it fresh in his mind. Let him forget, you know it's all on the up and up, you have had the discussion with him and will happily answer his questions and discuss it if he brings it up but you don't have to anymore. The whole reason you are going through this is because he simply isn't capable and needs someone watching out for him so that's what you are doing. I was going to offer ideas about how to maybe bring him around and get his cooperation but it sounds like that ship has sailed so I would stop trying to engage him on it at this point. I don't mean hide anything or lie to him just don't be the source of repeat information, he has a court appointed person for that and made his own choice not to have an attorney, let them deal with informing him.
I know exactly what you mean with the "fearfulness" or anxiety that can set in and send them spiraling for weeks when it comes to new concepts they know are big/important. My mom gets this way over knowing about any appointment too far ahead of time now and we have learned to give her enough warning for the occasion but not too much. Another reason to leave it be and let him simply not follow through on fighting it. I am curious, if you have been paying all of his bills for 8 months with your money how does he think they are being paid? Might he give you the ability to do this with his accounts for him if say the electricity was shut off because he forgot to pay it? How did you get everything changed to your name without POA or his consent?
He is lucky to have you and I so appreciate the extreme's you are going to to keep him in his house and where he's happy. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this legal stuff making it all the more difficult but sounds like you knew his aging wasn't going to be easy. I hope you have family support. Good luck
Thank you for your input and well chosen words--I appreciate it! My dad may have to appear at the initial hearing in a couple weeks, where the judge will decide if if goes to jury or not. I don't have to go to this court date and my attorney advised me to get someone else to take my dad. I have to arrange that, call my dad the day before and again an hour before so he has some clue that he is going somewhere. I will have to tell him a very simplified version of what's going on.
I was able to get all his bills changed to my name by the sheer grace of God. He lives in a very small town, some of the providers did conference calls with me and dad, and could see what we were dealing with. It took many phone calls and some public crying!
The only way u can do this if the person is found incompetent. If your parent suffers from Dementia, I would not even bother. They will not understand or forget anyway. So, I wouldn't do it.
He received (was officially served) paperwork stating that this is happening. It would be lovely if that didn't have to happen but it does. Also a court investigator comes to visit. So the way needs to smoothed for that too.
You have to realize that its very hard to express what you are trying to get across on a forum. You don't see the persons face to read them.
Your further explanation brought more to light. I didn't realize the person you r seeking guardianship for is served papers. I guess it would be logical, but if its someone with severe Dementia, a little mute. My Mom would never have been able to read and understand a petition.
JoAnn, every body gets served papers. I even had to mail a copy to myself and my wife separately. At least the last time it did not have to be send registered mail.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I assume that you and others feel that your parent is no longer competent.
Why would you stress them with "real world" stressors?
How about "Dad, we're taking care of everything".
So, dad will be represented. It may feel adversarial, but you are doing the right thing. ((((((Hugs))))
With my folks, I stayed the hell away and let the process go forth. Two factors saved me from the wrath of my parents: The dementia was pretty advanced, not much short term memory and the people involved were all very tactful in dealing with my folks.
Your parent may may be more cognizant than mine were but do what you have to do to take care of them.
oh...just saw your new post. What to tell him? Anything that keeps him calm. My fibs at that point with my folks were academy award winning.
No one is making judgements.
I have told him, that if he receives some legal paperwork not to worry that I will take care of all of it. I have told him the court investigator is a lady I met that wants to see his paintings and that she is there to help with paperwork too. That went over fine for the moment because I got him at a calm time.
I'm just wondering if anyone has some nice soothing statements that can help allay his fears when he gets agitated or paranoid about all this, which is bound to happen.
I know exactly what you mean with the "fearfulness" or anxiety that can set in and send them spiraling for weeks when it comes to new concepts they know are big/important. My mom gets this way over knowing about any appointment too far ahead of time now and we have learned to give her enough warning for the occasion but not too much. Another reason to leave it be and let him simply not follow through on fighting it. I am curious, if you have been paying all of his bills for 8 months with your money how does he think they are being paid? Might he give you the ability to do this with his accounts for him if say the electricity was shut off because he forgot to pay it? How did you get everything changed to your name without POA or his consent?
He is lucky to have you and I so appreciate the extreme's you are going to to keep him in his house and where he's happy. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this legal stuff making it all the more difficult but sounds like you knew his aging wasn't going to be easy. I hope you have family support. Good luck
I was able to get all his bills changed to my name by the sheer grace of God. He lives in a very small town, some of the providers did conference calls with me and dad, and could see what we were dealing with. It took many phone calls and some public crying!
You have to realize that its very hard to express what you are trying to get across on a forum. You don't see the persons face to read them.
Your further explanation brought more to light. I didn't realize the person you r seeking guardianship for is served papers. I guess it would be logical, but if its someone with severe Dementia, a little mute. My Mom would never have been able to read and understand a petition.
Good Luck.
At least the last time it did not have to be send registered mail.