I am 32 years old and caring for my 70 year old father. My mother passed from cancer 5 years ago. Basically, I have been caring for my parents since I was 26. My father lives in my home and needs assistance walking, bathing, getting meals made, keeping track of appointments. I leave my house for work, which I have had to go part time at because of how much care he needs, and come home to take care of him. I feel so angry because he refuses to enter a SNF, where he can get care that I can’t provide alone. He falls often enough that my local EMS knows our names. I don’t have helpful family members. Meanwhile, I can’t go on dates, or travel, or spend time with friends. I feel like my youth is flying by. I would love to have a chance to have a family of my own, and to see the world while my body still allows for it. But when I mentioned that to him, he just says I’m ungrateful for all the times he took care of me. I just feel hopeless in my current situation.
Tell him that you are ungrateful and you are done because a parent that loved you would never steal your life for their own. A loving parent raises their offspring up to fly, not be a personal servant.
He has obviously not taken care of himself to be so frail and feeble at 70 years old. His choices don't obligate you to sacrifice your life for his, he could live another 20+ years. Are you ready to give up your entire life for him?
You need to decide what you want and then take one step at a time to reach your goal.
OP- please don't live with your selfish manipulating father anymore. You do have some control here, Change YOUR living situation. It's in your power to either tell him to move if it's your house or you move out if it's his house.
Just tell him that you can no longer care for him and that he will have to go into AL, or just move somewhere else. Do not let him lay false guilt on you, you have cared for him long enough, it is time for you to live your own life, not his.
Without a plan, you will continue to be hopeless, nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, time for you to move forward on making your life better. Make your life about you, not him and his selfish requirements.
Trust me, he won't die if you start saying NO and exerting yourself to him, you are no longer a child, you are now his equal, approach your life as such. He could live another 20 years, my mother is 95, do you really want to put your life on hold waiting for him to die? Think about this scenario.
Good Luck and be strong!
So your Dad is effecting the ability for u to take care of yourself. Thats not fair. He is just thinking of himself.
Give him the opportunity to go to an Assisted Living home or a Skilled Nursing Facility, depending upon his needs and financial situation. But let him know that YOUR care giving days are OVER. Period.
If that makes you 'ungrateful', then so be it. In reality, it makes you a sensible woman who needs to move on with her own life now. Enough is enough.
Not to mention, your father can live another TWO DECADES, too, which means your life would truly be over then! You really need to look at this realistically.......right? My mother is 93 and has fallen 41 times......and she's going strong. Falls don't necessarily equate to living a short life.
Wishing you the very best of luck taking your life back, my friend. You sure deserve to!
70 Years Old????? What's wrong with him? So get him to Adult Day Care,, And since your mom died... did he have a life threatening change? l
Shoot my friend is 72, and beat me up a gigantic walk yesterday afternoon.
Ask his doctor if there are any facilities or programs he can join for gyms or social activities or volunteers anywhere... SILVER SNEAKERS...
My neighbor is over 70 and I've seen her in a culvert trying to dislodge blockages, in the winter even, she's been on the roof cleaning off lichen, and walks about 3 miles/day, etc.
Age isn't the deciding factor, and the issues listed don't sound like SNF at this point, but using his funds to cover aides during the day or using day care for now would allow OP to work full time. Some ALs offer respite care, so OP could at least get a break now and then and take a vacation! But social life will still be hampered with dad living there (or rather residing there.) OP does need to be allowed to have a life - I would seek advice from EC atty to see what, if anything, can be done to get him into his own place, with help or to AL where help is included. If income is low enough AND the state they reside in has Medicaid AL, look into that. IF not, see about some kind of senior housing - Medicaid often does provide a given amount of in-home care (not full time, but if he has enough income to pay for residence, utils, etc and more to cover additional help, that could be an option.
Stand your ground and make this his only options. Let his guilt trips fall flat on the floor. That's all they are, guilt trips, and you don't need that kind of vacation!!!
EVALUATE DAD... WHAT IS WRONG PHYSICALLY WITH THIS MAN ??...
This, from a person, whose cousin is barely making it...
I am sorry... Tell doctor you do need extra help.. palliative care... He cannot walk, and you are exhausted.. Can health experts come to you, or Hospice..
Meals on Wheels can provide premade food for him...
appointments can be set up with palliative care.
Bathing... Moli-care bath wipes, the days, you cannot afford the energy.. Tell palliative care team, dad needs a man to help him wash himself... do they have a male nurse to help wash him a few times a week? It's too much for you to take care of everything...
P:ill boxes for meds... Set them up: morning.... noon, and evening... Have him help you write them down in a log, so both of you know..
Get him involved socially at botanical gardens, library. etc.. adult day care//
Salvation Army may be a good start..
Get another face for him to look at, have him start happy conversations with someone besides you.... HIre someone to come in once a week and walk him through Farmers Market,,, the grocery store,.. Get him back into life....
He lost his wife, and he is losing himself... Talk, to social services and let them know you need help for him.
How was your father before your mother's cancer diagnosis?
Yes, he needs help. You have helped. There is a limit to what you can do. Talk to his doctor. Tell the doctor that you would like your father to be in skilled nursing.
Or ask his doctor to have a social worker return your call so you can discuss plans for your dad.
PLEASE follow the advice of the wise posters here. It will be a sea change for you to accept that YOU are more important than your father (and you are). But you are still young! Can you make the necessary changes to take your life back? I hope so!
Set boundaries....70 he needs his own place! This could go on for another 20 years and his attitude and expectations will get more demanding.
You are young. Your dad is young.. 70 is not that old... Your dad needs to start taking on chores. Is there anything in your house / home that needs attention or repairs? Change a lightbulb?
Wait.. He falls often.. Is he overweight? too much medication? Do you monitor it or serve it at the correct time? Does he drink? Has he given up :( ?
Can he walk with or without a cane? or walker?
The next week... go for a 10 minute walk... 5 minutes up and 5 minutes back.
Tell him to count with you.. tell him to go through the days of the week, months. holidays.
Baseball teams, etc... keep him talking breathing and thinking....
etc.. It works, and it will be ok... If yo have the time.
Amen!
I am in a similar situation. My mum (90 on Sunday!) is always calling me up with problems she sounds like she wants me to solve as far as her medical condition is concerned but she refuses to let our medical community know that they need to involve me in her care. Medical people aren't doing much, and I think it's because my brother doesn't tell them anything. I am the one who notices things when we're talking on the phone or when I visit, but can't communicate with her medical team. I have told her to take her prescribed Tylenol and/or see her doctor. She says she will but never does. My brother who lives at home is either out or in his room and is only interested in controlling her by deciding when to bring up food from the downstairs freezer when he wants to and not when she says she needs more of an item she thinks she's out of (I saw this happen with potatoes on a recent visit.)
I tried again on that visit to get her to talk to her medical team about getting me involved. I was calm about it and tried to nudge rather than push but her response was "Do we have to argue about this?" I said no more about it. On other occasions she has simply remained silent or changed the subject I have asked people I know from church who are in the medical field and they don't have any answers. We have a parish nurse, but just when I need her most, she has taken a leave of absence and doesn't stay long enough after a service for me to talk to her. She's the only one I can think of who has the resources I need. I would talk to her doctor but he won't even return mum's phone calls, so I doubt I would get to speak to him at all.
Frankly, I'm afraid to talk to my brother about this, he has MS and when I was at the house last he freaked out--the air was blue--because he couldn't find the cloth grocery bags. Mum blamed me for the outburst--it was either because I was there and he couldn't sit in the living room (not true--I have never stopped him) or I had said something when we'd been talking (about cell phones) that morning to upset him. He has done this before. I needed to stay a few nights once until I could get my apartment set up on the weekend. He insisted I go back before the weekend and when I explained I couldn't he threatened to call the police to get me out. My friend who was going to help me had to drop what she had planned for that evening and rescue me.
God is my only hope and stay. Thank you for that comment HurtHeartbroken.
Sometimes I think it may be for selfish reasons; someone to take care of them in old age. Seems premeditated. They would rather take a chance at having an offspring care for them than having a partner through old age. You have turned into that “partner” for your Dad, except this is not a symbiotic relationship. It is more of a parasitic existence for him.
Please save yourself before he sucks all the resources, happiness, and life out of you. Please update us and let us know how you’re doing. He will not change- it’s up to you.
Then sit sit down with your father and tell him that he is a toxic human being and you will not be able to help if he doesn’t change his attitude. Be honest, it might (or might no) hurt his feelings. Tell him what you expect from him.
Then pack your things and move. Tell him ball is in his court now. Walk out the door and don’t look back. You can get him a life alert in case he falls.
When he starts guilting you remind him that that you are giving up your life for him voluntarily. Guilt him back. Remind him that he is toxic to you and if he doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done it’s because he is a mean person. He seems to have all his faculties so no need to dance around dementia.
You are a beautiful young young woman and deserve a life. Tell him you’ll check on him but will NOT be his primary caregiver so he better start calling around to find one. Take your life back, you owe him nothing. You gave all that you could for as long as you could. Be done with him and go knowing you did everything you could. Bless you sweet woman for lasting so long
You are at the age where you should be working full time, saving some for retirement (which will come faster than you think) , earning Soc. security credits, and plain just having fun, seeking a mate if you so desire.
so how can you do that, you decide what is in your best interests. And you set your boundaries of what you can do and you get him out of your home. Not easy to do, but you must find a way. Give him a move date and tell him you are going to work full time and he will get the help he needs where he moves to. You should not be his whole world. He should be ashamed of himself.
If he chooses to "live on his own" call protective services. Tell them that you have a vulnerable adult who is at risk of being injured. That you can no longer care for him at home; Help set up a guardian ad litem for him; set a date for when you will go back to work.
Then implement your plan. But be prepared for the fallout -- which may mean that there may be months, years that he (and other family members) will refuse to deal with you.
the bottomline -- you can get your life back -- but it will come with a cost.
But Frankly, every decision comes with cost, some clear, some hidden and all we can do is make the best decision for ourselves at the time.
Best wishes
PS it may be helpful to get an ally who understands what you are doing and why who is in on every conversation with your dad about this change. They can help interpret the exchange, give you insight and if necessary step in the conversation if they see it going off the rail.
As for Assisted Living, no medical condition required, just the funds to pay for it!
You cannot just decide to place your parent in some form of care home. Find your local Senior Center and get info on your state's Eldercare Services. There are in home services available depending upon his needs. No 24/7 care, but @ 70 years old, why would he need that? Anyhow explore your options. Nothing is as hopeless as you seem to be feeling now!
Be strong. You deserve to have a life just like he did when he was your age.
If he doesn't have any money, send a letter to his doctor explaining ALL of the assistance you provide for his activities of daily living. Be detailed and don't hold anything back. Explain that you must go back to your full time job and that dad has no one to care for him. Start the process of getting him qualified for a SNF.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are enabling dad. You are in control, not him.
I’m in the same situation. I’ve taken care of my dad with 2 types of cancer...I was 30 years old then, he passed away and I have taken care of mom throughout the years, last year though it started 24/7 bc she has Vascular Dementia, I am 45 years old now and yes it did fly by!
I lost my career, friends and I’m unable to even date. I know I “chose” this life so I can’t really be mad at anyone but myself, there are always choices. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if she was taken care of by the State all these years...but then the guilt would have drained me anyway.
Good luck, and may God bless you.
I have a daughter and grandsons,, I’d never ask them to do this or put them in impossible situations. I’m disability retired and don’t want to shorten my time left with my own family even more. I do have my own affairs in order so they’ll never have to suffer bc of me.
I feel like the selfishness in the case I’m in is projection, if you disagree or decline a request my mother instantly says you’re evil.