Demanding, Entitled Aunt
I helped take care of my wheelchair-bound mother for the last five years of her life. Now my aunt (her sister) is also wheelchair-bound. She has a debilitating disease. She will not get better. She is 85 years old, has never been married, has no children.
I helped her sell her house and move into a very nice senior living facility. At first, she could still move around with a walker. However, a few months ago, she had to give up her walker and use a wheelchair (because of falls). Ever since then, she has been miserable to deal with. When I visit her, she is a bottomless pit of need. She tends to order me around to provide help for her, with never a please or thank you. Two days ago, I confronted her. I had done some shopping for her (Depends, hearing aid batteries). She immediately started ordering me around - "Do this! Do that!" I finally said "No," and that she needed to stop ordering me around like I was her own personal slave. If she wanted me to do something, she had to ask me politely and say "please".
She went nuts on me. She claimed that she couldn't say, "Please". (She has some speech communication problems.) I told her that I did not accept that. Even though she stutters, she is still capable of saying, "Please". She began ranting and raving about how I had neglected her over the last few months. I was shocked, because even though I am older myself, I still work. I had been over to visit her once or twice a week during the last few months, I've helped her out, done her shopping, paid her bills, taken care of her taxes - the list goes on.
I told her that if she wanted me to continue helping her, she had to change her attitude and be a more pleasant person. She thinks that her condition should excuse her from that. I told her that I did not agree. She then told me to get out; she didn't want me to come around anymore. I answered, " So you don't want me to do your shopping or pay your bills anymore?' She got a deer in the headlights look in her eyes and started backtracking.
I left shortly after that. Later, after reflecting on the whole situation, I came to her conclusion that the root of the problem is that she wants me to treat her the way I treated my mother. (I pretty much waited on my mother hand and foot during her final illness.) However, the situation is vastly different. My mother raised me, took care of me, and made enormous sacrifices for me. My aunt never did. Also, during the last five years of my mother's life, my aunt never once came over to help out, claiming that it upset her too badly to see my mother in the state she was in (Mom had Alzheimers and could not speak at all during those last five years.)
I now have enormous resentment toward my aunt, and I don't know how to deal with it. Does anyone else have a similar situation? How do you deal with the resentment?
Sickness and old age is not a license to mistreat anybody, no matter what smoke auntie is blowing in your face! Of course you are going to feel resentful of anyone expecting to be treated like a queen while treating you like a slave!
You did the absolute right thing with your aunt, imo. Which is what I did w my mother who had a terrible forked tongue towards me. If you want to see me, mother, play nice or I leave and come by when you're in a better mood. IF I have time.
Set down YOUR boundaries and make sure she plays by your rules. She needs you....you don't need her. Remember that. Deer in the headlights indeed! When she realizes her only ally won't tolerate this abuse, then she'll likely clean up her act.
Good luck to you.
Clearly, aunt is clueless about her own needs. She also doesn’t know what gratitude is.
Is she mentally challenged besides having speech impediment?
The key to not have resentment is to eliminate the cause of it.
If you overextend yourself then you will have resentment.
Be clear to yourself what you WANT to do to help, then INFORM aunt. Anything else outside of your offer will have to be handled by her or someone else.
Thank you! Yes, I need to do this, preferably in writing. I'm going to begin working on a letter outlining my boundaries and expectations, as you suggested.
You can love your aunt and still maintain healthy boundaries.
You can still tell people, including sick old ladies to treat you with respect if they expect you to "do" for them.
Your mother likely approved of the "Oreo" approach-- criticism with some positive "stroking" but it is a method that fails miserably at getting your message across.
In another situation, I believe that your words would resonate and ring true. However, in this particular situation, I still believe that I should follow my mother's lead. She did not approve of the "Oreo" approach; when people needed to hear some hard truths, she told them. Her statement was meant to encourage me to "speak the truth in love" and avoid speaking out of anger or with cruelty (trust me, I wanted to be harsh and downright cruel to my aunt, but I chose to take the high road and speak to her firmly, but not with cruelty).
I tend to take my mother's advice for one reason; I am sixty-seven years old, and in all those years, my mother was the only truly "good" person I have ever met. Not perfect - but still, she was the best person I ever knew.
I can't remember who it was, I think it might have been Anne Fine, who came up with the triangle rule for anything you want to say - it has to score at least two out of three from:
True
Necessary
Kind
What you said to your aunt I'm sure was true, and it sounds as if it was necessary, so don't feel bad about having said it.
To move forward - have you seen her since the home truth session?
No - I have not seen her since the home truth session. I had to speak some hard truths to her last year and the only thing that got her to agree to start treating people with common courtesy again was me refusing to visit her until she changed (Note - I am the only member of the family that takes the time to visit her regularly).. I plan on calling her tomorrow, however, to inform her that I ordered some new hearing aid batteries for her from Amazon. They are scheduled to be delivered tomorrow. I'm going to simply inform her to check her mailbox, and then wait to see if she offers me an apology. If she does, I will resume visiting her again, provided that she rediscovers her manners.
If it's yours, truthfulness with yourself and with her. Speak up about what you consider it reasonable for her to ask of you, and what you don't.
You say she isn't nice to you, yet you keep coming back for more. I don't understand why you would do that?
I would visit her very very infrequently and I would not shop for her or do any of those things. Enabling an abusive person by taking care of their problems leads to their having utterly no respect for you whatsoever.
I would advise not being POA or guardian for this person. I would visit VERY infrequently and talk to her a few times a week only. If she asks why let her know you are already dealing with too much negativity in your life, and cannot afford to add her to it.
Your mom may never be happy again. She is unlikely to thank you; that's who she was, and the losses of aging don't make us happier/nicer people.
Please:
Extend fingers and thumb out. Rub flattened palm against the chest in a circular motion.
Thank You:
Extend fingers and thumb. Touch fingers to the chin then bring the hand forward. (almost like blowing a kiss but the fingers are touching the chin so it is a bit lower.)
A friend taught her twins ASL when they were little "baby sign language" if a toddler can do it an 85 year old that seems cognizant can sign Please and Thank You.
Your aunt has to give respect to receive respect. That’s how it works. She doesn’t get to demand things or take you for granted. She can make requests and if you choose to help she should show gratitude for your kindness.
I would let her sit and think about her actions. Allow her to process what you have conveyed to her. Don’t jump in and start caring for her over again without her acknowledging that her behavior was out of line.
If she tries to approach you about doing ‘this or that’ for her and pretending that nothing has happened, remind her of how she treated you. Then tell her that you are going to do things differently from now on. You aren’t going to do everything ‘her’ way and that nothing will be done if she doesn’t show her appreciation.
If you don’t want to help her at all, then don’t. She will find a way to fulfill her needs without you.
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