Just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I KNOW no talking to my dad will make things right. It does no good due to his illness. I had to cut my exposure with him waaaayyyyback (in May) when he made a veiled threat to me. I’m afraid of him and he shows up in my dreams sometimes! It’s terrible! Scary and sad. So do I need help or is this normal? He is no longer in assisted living - against my wishes- And is on his own. I’m thinking he’s not taking his meds like he should from what I gather from his friends.
You may be having the dreams out of guilt? Quilt because you want to help but he doesn't want the help. Your Dad had probably been BiPolar all his life. My cousin wasn't diagnosed till her 40s. Boy would her life been different if she had been diagnosed in her teens. She too choses not to medicate. Most BP people don't like to. My cousin is 63 now but says the meds make her feel "out of it" and she slobbers. She's too young to slobber, she told me. She medicates with alcohol.
Its hard, but you really have to let go. Dad is responsible for himself. You can't help him until he is ready for it. As long as he is abusing himself, keep ur distance. When he says he needs help and means it, then u can be there for him.
I also think it is “guilt” that I feel. But UNrightfully so! He is responsible for himself. I’ve done all that I can. And he is too unpredictable!
You need a break. You need to step away from caregiving for your father and take care of yourself. You do not owe him anything.
Mental health is precious. Don’t risk yours at the expense of someone acting recklessly with their own.
You probably have some PTSD because of everything you have gone through with his mental illness, then he threatens you and now he is on the streets and you feel threatened. Completely normal reaction under the circumstances.
Can I recommend adding items to your life that make you feel more secure, whether it is a guard dog or a door alarm. Then try to stop worrying about him and his actions, I know, easier said than done, but you can do it. Make a conscious effort every time he invades your thoughts, his choices, his consequences, I did everything I could and then some. What's for dinner, or what ever will engage your mind. It takes practice, but it does work.
You have done a great job, take care of you and live your life in the pursuit of your dreams and happiness.
Hugs!