I’m now taking care of my grandmother who is 94 years old. Very intelligent and no serious health issues, but a typical over 90 year old with lots of limitations who can no longer live alone. She moved in with us 6 months ago. She used to live alone in her big nice home, taken care of by 3 caregivers. The reason why she moved to us is financial. She run out of money, her life savings is gone. She can’t afford to live in her big nice home with 3 caregivers taking care of her 24/7 any more.
Her home must be sold to finance her lifestyle and care. The plan is she will stay with us until her house is sold. Then she can decide to move to another place that she likes.
I'm now so worn out because of her manipulative behavior, I feel like she's making us feel guilty about her leaving her home and the lifestyle she is used to.
She constantly seeks attention. The most difficult time of the day is at night. During the day I keep her around me and the children to keep her awake. She constantly calls me or the kids, and there is always some thing wrong with her. Complaining that this and that is not right with her, etc. Not complaining about pain, but any other unreasonable complains. Just to get the attention she needs. I can no longer have a clear phone conversation when I get a call. Once I start talking on the phone she will start to complain about any thing just to disrupt me.
At night when everyone is sleeping is the worst. She is (most of the time) totally awake. She is so obsessed with using her calling device, she constantly pushes the buttons for no valid reason. She just wants me to be with her all the time. She demands that I check on her every hour, which is impossible, I need my sleep and the other family members need their peace and quiet at night. The calling device wakes every body up during the midnight, it is so loud that it reaches every room in the house, waking up everyone. Then when I come to her and ask what she needs, she would say "I don't know."
She will create a situation, just to have the reason to use the device to get attention. The best example is she will remove her blanket so she can complain about feeling cold. She is able to pull back her blanket if she wants to. But she wants me to do it for her. She is on anxiety medication and sleeping pill, both are not working. I think they should be adjusted. I will address this matter to her doctor.
I’m so exhausted and can not take her behavior any more. What can I do or how should I deal with this situation? There is no other care option for her, until her house is sold and she is able to afford a one to one caregivers, she used to have.
I’m done, my patience is at the end. She’s not the only one I’m taking care, I have 3 minor kids to look after.
The more I cater to her attention-seeking behavior, the more she wants from me, I can’t take this any more. I could hardly wait for her to move out. but until then what shall I do? How should I deal with this situation? Any insight is appreciated. Thank you.
There is the possibility your gma just doesn't want to listen to what's going on in her head, and anyone, anything else, to break the sounds up in her own head, the better.
I used to think my mom had empty nest and just couldn't mind her own business as part of her personality complex, but living this close now (again) it's obvious it was anxiety/depression, and anyone else's business was better than her own, and if I was trying to fix the "I dont know" whats wrongs in her head, there was the hope I could succeed.
I have very rosey-colored glasses though so take all that in that kind of light <3
edit: and others are right - jumping to respond and her anxiety will go up when you dont. it was kina by accident recently i stopped jmumping formy mom. hubbys been bitching at me for weeks to stop it, but i have hAd to leave the house recently, and meds had lowered her anxiety levels.. she had an anxiety attack while I was out at the store yestrday. she was able to figure out how to text me again to tell me. she hadnt texted in 6 months. stress is a good motivator ;) I didnt hear the beeping on the phone though. she realized she wasn't going to drop dead. So stopped flipping so hard. She has now realized she doesnt need to shout for me ever y 15m, that i already do check on her pretty often, and her imagining that i was "ignoring her", well, was her stressed imagination. now i actually end up bothering her when she's napping through a scheduled check (my phone goes of for as needed med points) and it feels a bit like turnabout and fair play ;)
1) You say “There is no other care option for her, until her house is sold and she is able to afford a one to one caregivers, she used to have”. Surely she should be going into a facility, where she won’t need the ‘one to one carers she used to have’. That almost sounds like she expects to stay with you, just with extra carers. Please don’t let either of you suggest that’s an option!
2) What other family members are involved here. Why are YOU the one to ‘look after grandma’? Check Beatty’s comment “Is the OP's parent/aunt/uncle POA & not in a hurry to sell their 'inheritance'? If fact, quietly sitting back happy the OP has become the solution?”.
3) How about Grandma getting a loan or a reverse mortgage? With the payout, she could go into care immediately. And if the other family members are ‘quietly sitting back happy’, it might change the dynamic very quickly. They might even help to sell the house!
4) Grandma could even sign up for a loan from you, only make sure it’s documented with a lawyer (so no undue influence allegations). A hefty weekly increasing loan might make this all a bit more bearable for you, if there is no alternative. And it could still put the pressure on the other rellies involved. Just make sure that they all know about it, before you get it all signed up.
Don’t think that there is nothing you can do about this. It can get much stronger than this, from legal eviction notice to a car ride down to the local shelter. Face the fat that everyone else is doing well out of this, and you are going to need to push it. Good luck, Margaret
I'm with CountryMouse. Regarding expectations - they may need a reboot.
Waiting to hear who is POA..?
I may be wrong (I hope so..).. Is the OP's parent/aunt/uncle POA & not in a hurry to sell their 'inheritance'? If fact, quietly sitting back happy the OP has become the solution?
She may not want to move once the house is sold. Remind her that this is temporary.
Find a care home for her and offer this: you or someone else lends her the money to go there immediately. You get paid back when the house sells. You’ll need a rock solid contract, no loose ends. Who is POA? If it’s you, then it should be possible using the power you have to deal with her affairs. Consult a lawyer first.
What do you mean no serious health issues? She has a bunch. She may not be falling down dead of cancer or stroke, but this is a seriously ill woman.
alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, mobility problems, osteoporosis, sleep disorder, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
Moreover, this is a woman of 94 who until six months ago was judged to require 24/7 support from a team of three caregivers. And is now down to one.
Quite what led the OP to believe that grandma is merely a fusspot who can no longer afford all this attention I can't imagine. but I don't think taking away the call button and telling her to pull herself together or else is the answer. Getting a bit of a wriggle on with the house sale might be, though.
Taking away the call button is the short-term answer so the family can get a night's sleep. It's like with a baby. You have to let a baby squawk a little bit. It's good for them. If mom and dad go running in every time the baby makes a sound, he will never be able to be alone. Also, that baby will be living with mom and dad for life. From the cradle to mom and dad's basement. Same with the elderly even the ones with dementia. If you go running in every second they will never be able to be left alone. Not even at bedtime. The grandmother is going to be placed. It's kinder to get her used to someone not running into her at night while she's still at her grand daughter's house because no one is going to cater to her in the nursing home or memory care and it will be a strange place to her.
The other choice is putting drugs in her cup of tea or glass of warm milk that she has before going to bed for the night.
Under the circumstances, I'd go with the drugs. Most definitely. Knock her out for the night. They will get an order for this in whatever facility she gets placed in.
Treat her like the child she is. Tell her enough is enough. You have 3 children who have priority. She is there because she needs a place to stay till her house sells. Your children need their sleep to perform well in school. You can not jump everytime she feels she needs something. Take away the calling device. If it was one of her children you would do it.
I live in an area that until a couple of years ago houses were not selling. So I don't see not selling in 6 months is not that bad. But, I would make sure that family knows Grandma can not stay with you much longer. For now she can be placed in Longterm care with Medicaid paying. The house is an exempt asset. Once its sold, it can then be determined if she stays in the LTC or in an Assisted Living.
You need to make family aware that Grandmom is not going to be a permanent person in ur home. Your children deserve to have ur full atrention.
Then tell her that the calling device is for emergencies only. That if she is going to abuse it by disturbing you and the household all night long, you will take it away.
Make your speech very plain that you and your family will not tolerate the senior brat behavior for one moment more. Either she knocks it off, or she leaves tomorrow whether her house is sold or not. Do not cater to her because if you do her behavior will only get worse.
Do a hard push on getting her house sold. You need to get her out of your home before you and your family's lives are destroyed. You likely will not be able to reason with her, but try telling her that because she's so unhappy, you're having to make other arrangements for her that she'll be happier with and ask her if she can please show some patience and kindness while you work to find a better place for her. Don't hold your breath that her behaviors will change, but it's worth a try.
Walk away, leave the convo, try to isolate her misery from the rest of the household in any possible way and if she's still got her wits about her, appeal to her sense of sympathy and tell her how hard it is for the kids, esp, to deal with her complaints, ask her if she can please stop spreading her misery throughout the family and home. Isolate her whenever she starts in, if possible.
If anyone else will take her in until funds are freed up, jump on that. You might want to look into melatonin as a sleep enhancer, it's naturally produced in the body and aids in sleep at about 5 mgs (or more) for a period of about 6 hrs. You can suggest this to her as an option so that she can get some restful sleep if pointing out how disruptive her night time behaviors are and any appeal to her sense of her own dignity work on her at all.
My mom was placed in NH before her primary home sold, many months before. The situation was different in that she was already there in a Medicare 'Swing Bed' aka rehab while recovering from Covid and was transferred to a private room because her estate can afford this. As her DPOA, I signed nothing other than the permission to transfer and admit and did that only with the title behind my name so I have zero fiscal responsibility.
I did a pay as you go type of thing out of necessity. Once the life ins came through, I paid all of it on her acct, when the secondary residence sold, I paid most all of that on acct. While sale of the primary home, out of state, was in process of estate sale to ready the house and then finally put on the market, I kept the CFO informed and once the house sold, I caught her acct up to current and it has remained current although, I never pay ahead like they bill. At one point, the CFO requested proof of the home being on the market and I wasn't willing to provide anything more than vague statements of there being 'plenty of estate value' to pay for Mom's care.
Please start on all of this as soon as you possibly can, either as her DPOA or working with her assigned POA. It takes time and you need to get her moved out of your home; she'll be happier, as will everyone around her.
PLEASE be very careful about choosing only a reputable estate sales company for her household. That's basically a 'tag sale' of all household items not pulled as bequests or for her personal use at the facility where she'll be residing. I can't stress strongly enough how important it is to use a good, reputable company for both appraisal of her items and the sale thereof, don't scrimp on this. It's a mostly unregulated sales industry and there are many thieves who will take advantage and rob one blind. For research, look up the website for "The Estate Sales Lady', she's literally all over the internet and has lots of consumer tips on finding a good sales company.
I wish you all the best and hope that your family can enjoy some of this holiday season.
I don't trust estate sale people. A person can have an estate sale on their own without paying a third party. My friend had one herself when she sold her home and did very well on it.
If using a hired estate sale agent, make sure you can be present when they're selling off the things. If they say no to that, send them on their way.
Maybe set times when you check on her and tell her she will have to manage in between. It can't be every hour, especially at night. You need your sleep and your family needs your attention too. She can demand what she likes but it doesn't mean you have to comply with her demands. She should not be in charge. You should be in charge. Set a reasonable schedule for looking after her, but don't get sucked into more, no matter how upset she gets.
You say above she is intelligent and has no serious health issues, yet on your profile you list she has Alzheimer's and a number of other issues. I think she is too much for you to cope with considering all your other responsibilities. I am glad your are reviewing her meds with her doctor. Hopefully there is something that will help. Having Alz means her brain is broken.
I agree with the others - get that house sold however you can and get grandmother into a facility.
I would take away that calling device. She isn't using it for emergencies. Call her out when she 'misbehaves'. Leave the room when you make a phone call. My grandmother was the same way. She wanted to hold court at our home when we took her in after a series of mini strokes. You know what got her back into her own home.....not giving her the constant attention she wanted. Same with my father. He was living alone in his late 80s and wanted me there every day which I refused. Seeing him once every other week was more than enough. He knew I wasn't going to buckle under to his demands, so he decided on assisted living on his own. Of course, he was unhappy when he found out it was not like his trips to the ER where someone checked in on you every 15 minutes.
You kind of created this monster by following through with the 24/7 attention she got with her home aides. Start by making her wait every time she wants something (even if you are available to do it right now). I had to do this with my father's calls demanding I come over right after work today (only because I refused to LEAVE work right now). No, I can't come today but I can come 2 days from now. Every single time the big crisis was forgotten about by the time I got there.
Does she literally have NO money? Does she get social security? If there is even a few hundred dollars a month left over, spend it all on caregivers to give you a break. Or have her go to adult day care M-F so you can catch your breath.
Definitely needs some med changes ASAP!
Are your parents or other children of hers around? Does anyone have POA? Tell them you are DONE. This was supposed to be temporary and 6 months is not temporary, that is a looooong time! Start pushing hard. People may not like it, but you do not like the situation they have left you languishing in so you have a right to speak up and be heard. And for changes to occur ASAP.
Best of luck!
You say your grandmother has no serious health issues, but your profile gives quite a list which includes dementia and uti. What are her actual care needs?
It is good you are looking at the whole household - as EACH family members' needs are important. A good plan works for ALL of you.
So how to make it work better?
Grandmother needs constant attention. Think is a fact. Think of her like an infant with separation anxiety. I think of it as a survival tactic. An infant develops past this, with elders it will have other causes.. anxiety, brain changes, TIAs/strokes, lack of O2, many reasons. But typical with dementia too.
So as it is unrealistic for you to provide ALL her attention - look to find alternatives. My 1st thought: hire those caregivers back.
2nd: she moves into AL asap. Nice day room with plenty of company.
How to do that before her home sells?
Who has financial POA? Yourself?
Does Grandmother have the funds to reinstate her caregivers for a few months more? Can financial advice be sought to release other funds/investments or an advance based on the home equity? Would an AL take her on a deposit/advance?
If you are NOT her POA - who is?
Approach this person asap for funding for help.