My mother makes choices in her daily life that could affect me. Some now and some in the future after she dies. She is in her right mind so she can make her own decisions. But they are bad decisions a lot of the time. And I have to get involved because of her decisions sometimes. And dealing with her is very difficult. Or she might end up in the hospital because of a decision. That hasn't happened yet. But it could have. It's very stressful dealing with her. Even though I try to keep my distance emotionally. She is co-dependent with my brother that has a personality disorder that complicates things even more. My father died six years ago. There is no one else. She would not listen to anyone anyway. She is rigid. I just wish she would die or just go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She is 88 years old and can't walk without a walker. But lives in her house alone. Brother stays over three or four days a week. But won't help her much. So I can't just go no contact. Actually I hardly visit and mostly use the phone to communicate with her. Still wish she would just go away. My life would be much less stressful.
we lost my drug addicted brother 6 weeks ago who lived with her for 20 years as her caregiver
roommate best friend. He nearly bankrupted her!
I'm the workaholic financially responsible daughter who now chooses to forgive everything one day at a time, get her medical help with her neglected painful feet, sell her home and move her into my lovely senior community where her best friend also lives.
She refuses a caregiver so I leave her 4 days a week with food, constant phone calls and encouragement. We are both grieving the loss of my brother and are in shock. Thank God for my male friend of 30 years who spent many years caregiving his parents who just past away at 95 of Alzheimer's. He insists I go home 60 miles away on Sundays to swim, walk and keep my much needed job 3 days a week. My lifetime of codependency abruptly ended the sad day my brother passed in his sleep of an overdose. Gifts come in tragic packages
I am grateful I have many years of Alanon and 32 years of AA or I would be relapsing right now.. 12 step program's can fill in where other options miss the mark. Exercise and clean eating saves me!
It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.
Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.
As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?
I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.
Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
Carol
So for example sit down with your mom and just ask her what she wants to see happen. If she struggles with that you can make some suggestions. For example you can say that you hope that the family grows closer through these challenging times, rather than farther apart. You hope that you and others can learn from your mom how to live life well. You hope that you can learn to show each other love and respect. You will find things that work for your family.
Then see what she has to say. Be silent and let her think and talk.
I did this with my sister and once we agreed about our shared expectations, and I was quiet for a moment, my sister apologized to me for not being the way she wanted to be. She said she would try harder and we always referred back to the conversation we had. I also did this with my mom and it helped us tremendously although I probably did it a little too late.
I hope this tip helps you. The two most important parts of this is to have and talk about 'shared expectations' and for you to be silent so the other person can talk about what they are going to do to play a role in achieving those expectations. Then you can also say how you will try.
I hope that doesn't all sound too complicated. Just thinking back, on some super challenging times with my family and it worked!
Now that my mom has passed away at age 93, I learned that it is very, very final and very, very empty without her.
One of my biggest blessings is the good memories I will always have. So this is the time for you to create good memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
My hope for you is that all your memories are good ones and that you can work together with your family to create plenty of them starting now.
I don't think anyone is born knowing how to be a good family member. We have to spend our lives learning how to be better and working with each other to learn together. I believe we can learn new things at any age. :)
For what you mentioned in your note, you can't or wont detach from this situation, it's hard, no matter what, it's hard to just walk away. Wishing she would just go away is a sign that you are getting burned out by this, specially because your brother doesn't help at all, he probably makes the situation worse. Do you think you can talk to him about it? explain to him he needs to plug in and help with your mother's care? I know how difficult it is to get your siblings to help, I have 4 and neither one communicate with me, our mother has been living with my husband and me for 3 years and we haven't gotten a phone call, a letter or dime. You need to start thinking about what is going to happen in regards to your mother's situation, you might have to place her in a nursing home or hire in home help soon so, get all the information you can possibly gather so you can be ready when that time comes. I can tell you are fed up and you are not even living with her and caring for her 24/7 so, if you don't think you could do that in the near future, please start thinking of the other options.
BoodaGazelle is correct, in the case of the elderly, modern medicine and technology has indeed disturbed the natural order of life for this people. Living a long life is not always a good thing if the quality of your life sucks big time. What good does it do to live to be this old if you can't take care of your most basic needs yourself anymore, when your mind is so irreparably gone that you can't enjoy a good book or beautiful music or a good stake, the sunrise, the sun set, your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, when you soil yourself and need someone to clean you up. Most of the time this task falls with your adult children, who have families and jobs of their own and might have to give that up, believe me, it's not pretty, it's awful, no matter which way you see it, other times, it falls onto the hands of strangers in a nursing home. It's obvious you worry about your mother but please, get ready for what's coming, it might get worse before it gets better.
Good luck to you!!
God Bless
Time to keep your distance but be there when your Mom really needs you. If she makes bad decision, she has to own up to those decisions and fix them on her own.
I remember someone had said that why worry about something that might never happen... if you do worry, and later it does happen... you are worrying twice.
Both my parents are in their mid-90's, Dad uses a walker and Mom uses a cane, and they still live alone under their own roof. They do fine. It's their decision to keep living on their own for as long as their minds are still somewhat sharp.