How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

This is very normal for you to feel this way. Take guilt out of the equation. Feelings are never right or wrong. They just are. Have you considered an assisted living situation for your mom? The criteria is if the person is a danger to themselves or others..it is time to go. Sometimes they are much happier after the initial adjustment. I always recommend a place that offers a step program where they also have full nursing care available for future needs so you never need to move her again. Moving is very stressful for everyone. If you don't want to do that full time care is a good option and also delegation of finances to someone other than your mom. I hope this helps. It is a hard situation. Older people can be scary. I know I work with them daily. :)

Responsible 1 In my state no agency can place an elder in Assisted Living as it is mostly private pay and expensive! I don't know how that would work. APS could place a person in a nursing home for protection, but eventually application to Medicaid would be needed if he/she did not already have it.

I am so relieved to have found this page, living with this kind of guilt is awful. You begin to think of yourself as an evil person having such thoughts. My Mum is 92 and is living in sheltered housing for the elderly, with carers going in three times a day. This is a great help on the practical side of things, and as I am an only child and almost 70, I do appreciate this. It is the mental torture you go through when they become so difficult due to old age, and believe me, my Mum can be very difficult. Moans about everything, and I fall for it every time. I am probably struggling to hang on to the person she once was, so I challenge her in silly arguments, and after, of course, walk away feeling very guilty. My children get quite worried when they see me so stressed out, and they sometimes say things like they wish Nana could just die peacefully in her sleep. Then I panic, wondering what it will be like, with her not in my life, and how I am going to cope with the loss. My Mum was widowed in her forties, and I too lost my husband when I was just forty, so she played a bigger part in mine, and the kids lives, than most Mums. But, they say, if things carry on the way they are, there's a good chance that I could go first. She is very manipulative and knows exactly how to push my buttons. I actually only go to see her three times in the week. Take along her shopping and do some little chores. although she does phone me a lot too. She has had one of those mini strokes recently and been diagnosed with cardio-vascular disease, which means she is now very confused and gets so tongue tied, which frustrates both of us. She had broken her hip and shoulder almost 7years ago, and so only able to get around the house with a frame. This also frustrates her, as she was an active person, who had worked full time all of her days until retirement. I feel now I am begging to hog your page, but it was great to get all of this written down. Thanks for listening and thanks to Hadnuff for sharing. Ellie R.

Chantaway, you've hit the nail on the head here - feelings are just feelings and the sad fact is that all of us human beings, even the most saintly among us, have ugly feelings and well as nice ones. Just human. You are doing everything you can, but according to your description, your mom is competent and there may be very little chance of your good advice being taken. Don't beat yourself because you can't control things that in fact you cannot control. Not your fault, and not your fault that you wish this situation would end! Who would not! Take care of yourself - it will be the best thing all around.

You say your mother is in her right mind but her decisions are bad. This comes across as condescending. Are they bad decisions because you just don't agree? Like apples to oranges? Are these decisions putting herself in harm's way? If it's the latter, why not petition for guardianship? You will have to prove how her decision making ability is effecting her well-being. You will have control which sounds like what you really want but you will also have to prove how her money is being spent.

Are the decisions that will affect you in the future monetary? Don't mentally spend for things until the means to do so are tangible. You are only entitled to the coin you earn. She earned her money & can do as she pleases as a person that is in her right mind as you say.

For your well being, it is time to distance yourself. You are planning for something that hasn't happened. It may happen down the line & it may not. As of yet it hasn't. You are needlessly stressing yourself.

As far as the death wish goes, you got to admit that sounds really bad. I am not passing judgement. Please use caution to whom you may say that to in public. You could get reported to APS for making a statement like that.

I feel for you I care for someone that is 78...not able to make their own decisions...it is a burden to bear. The best advice I can come up with is start planning your free life,
you probably don't have too much longer and if she does go to a hospital that will surely be a start to the end...but you are not responsible for her bills and just let her
dig her own grave, wash your hands without guilt, that's what the medical professionals are trained to deal with.

For new question.. have her see the doctor and he can order home health at no cost through medicare. Whether Physical Therapy/Occupational Therapy I am sure she needs it if she is having trouble. They normally come out 3 times a week to start, also talk to her doctor about some home health care and if he will order it.....blame it on the doctor......"it is what he ordered for your benefit to keep you healthy, mobile and at your own home for as long as possible!"Good Luck!

Cope by knowing you are not alone on how you feel. Most people do not want responsibilities that are dictated by the choices of others. Distancing your self from your mother as much as possible is a wise choice for you. I have been where you are now. I allowed myself to become angry which led to hatred. When my mother died, I felt relief, but I also felt very guilty about my feelings of hatred.

I think it comes out that way (wishing someone would die) but what you want is really just the situation gone so there can be peace. I have my MIL here every other month and I HATE it. She's 85 in good health other than just being lazy and a complainer (to who will listen) . I find myself silently (and sometimes not so silently) wishing that she'd just go and not come back ... Well since she rotates from one son to the other month by month the most likely way for her to go and not come back would be for her to just go away permanently. Hence the thought of the here after! My husband already accused me of "wanting his mother to die" ...She never should have made this move when she knew I wasn't on board for it ... She could have stayed in her apartment but chose to pull this BS because she said she was lonely ... So now she's basically lonelier ... because even though we may be in the same house its lijke were in seperate countries ... and I still want her OUT one way or the other! Meanwhile my husband feels stuck in the middle of this and obligated to which I tell him ... thank your mother!

I have been estranged from my mother for years but had to take on the responsibility of putting her in a care home. She is much better off there than subject to her own self neglect.

Your mom sounds like my sister. I assist my sister with absolute need but keep my distance. She has zero communication skills that border sociopathic tendencies. Its exhausting IF I don't draw boundaries. Believe it or not- the world is filled with careless decision making people. Obtaining a POA she has to agree unless you pay a price to have her deemed incompetent. Best advice- let the miserable enjoy each others company and check in by phone but when you hang up- live your life. Any choice she makes can only affect you if YOU ALLOW it- and if you are concerned about any estate after her death, sounds to me it would be worth sacrificing. Life is too short to worry about others because worry is only war in your own mind- there is no winner.

I feel your pain. It is very difficult when roles have reversed. I'm in a similar situation but my mom no longer verbally communicates. She is complete care and I am her only living child. I quit my job to care for mom when dad died 6 months ago. I didn't realize how difficult being caregiver was going to be. Don't feel guilty for having those thoughts, it's only normal to want an escape route from this bumpy road that was not your choice to be on. I suggest you look into assisted living such as a foster home. If your situation is that bad, you need to make a decision soon, for your own sanity. God bless.

You are not alone in your thoughts. At some point and it may seem cold you have to love and let go. My mother also makes some terrible decisions, I let her know that I don't agree with them, but she is also in her right mind but won't accept her physical limitations. I have decided to emotionally step back and am determined not to let the situation bring me down. Hang in there!

was a caretaker for my dad who lived with my husband and me. Toward the end, we had the help of hospice, however it was still difficult for me. His care required 24 hour supervision, and I slept when he slept. He has since passed away but the bottom lie is I would do it all over again regardless of how hard it would be. Remember, it was hard for my dad as well. His little smile, and his barely audible "thank-you" whenever I did something for him was my reward as were his frequent, "I love you." Never, ever would I have wished for my dad to die, and I just cannot imagine doing so. I did everything in my power to help him live just a bit longer just as he and my mom did for me.

I was a caretaker for my dad who lived with my husband and me. Toward the end, we had the help of hospice, however it was still difficult for me. His care required 24 hour supervision, and I slept when he slept. He has since passed away but the bottom lie is I would do it all over again regardless of how hard it would be. Remember, it was hard for my dad as well. His little smile, and his barely audible "thank-you" whenever I did something for him was my reward as were his frequent, "I love you." Never, ever would I have wished for my dad to die, and I just cannot imagine doing so. I did everything in my power to help him live just a bit longer just as he and my mom did for me.

I hope you know, You cannot live another's life for them, more people need to see the pain and agony displayed on this site, maybe they would try and be better people before they become elderly and in need of help from those you more than likely have made their lives miserable all their life anyway, just being in your presence. I wish I had an answer other than to repeat, live for yourself, you too are important and Do Not Let Other People Guilt You into anything less. My Prayers for you...

I was so glad to run across these posts because I'm constantly dealing with my ambivalence about having to care for a mother I have disliked and not gotten along with most of my adult life, mainly because I'm an only child and she always had to be right and in control. I had learned to just stay away from her for my own peace of mind but now I'm suddenly responsible for someone who can't control her life but fights us constantly to remain in control. I really resent being dragged back into frequent close contact and the resulting fighting. My husband cares for her finances but she wants to supervise his every move as she doesn't trust him and thinks we just want to get all her money. This is true to some extent as she wants to stay at home and has the money to do so.
We have excellent in home caregivers but it is extremely expensive and when she sees how much money is going out of her accounts she freaks out. Then the constant rerun argument about whether she wants to stay home or in a nursing home (which she's not quite ready for). She'd settle for either if she didn't have to spend her money after living a very frugal life to accumulate it.
She's very pessimistic and I'm normally an optimist - the source of many disagreements. I guess it's a power struggle pitting her normal control of all things against my need to control many things in her life. I feel very guilty about all this. I'm on antidepressants and Ativan as a backup. She's 96 and has no major health issues other than an ileostomy and some dementia. I hate to even visit her but am often forced to. I feel like a personal and spiritual failure. I like the shared expectations suggestion and the everyone's supportr.

I really wish she'd pass on and whatever's left in her estate (after paying for her care) will be divided between my sister and I. It may sound heartess but she put us both through living h*ll.

My father, 87, a hoarder, depressed, paranoid, blames others for everything and depends on me to help understand his mail, issues etc. We argue about everything as he does not get his way or the response from me he wants. He's not always been this way but, from a divorce from the mother 18 years ago, he's stuck in that year and can't move on. I take him to counseling at the VA and everywhere he needs to go "shopping". I get him to stay with me about one week out of the month but, he goes back home and it starts all over again. I've lost days of work and pay because of his NEEDS. My siblings, who live out of state, make excuses for his behavior and brush it off, as they don't have to deal with it unless they call him once in a while. I hate seeing him live out his days like this and there are times I wish the same thing (death)- for me and for him. I understand. it's taken a toll on me and I have begun to drink more - trying not to - but, to cope at times. I just tell myself, It is what it is and go with the flow but, I know it's gonna get worse before it gets worse. You are not alone.

I have had these thoughts too but then there are days when she sleeps late and I go in and check on her and I am just plain scared. This is my mother whom put up with me in my very bad teenage years. My mom is 87 and still takes care of her self. Lately she started drinking caffeine coffee and she does more than me and I feel guilt over that but then comes the dementia! Oh the questions over and over again, the same questions. Then because she is so active and still thinks she 55, she falls and back to the hospital again for a week. When she comes home I do everything. I have a sister who is the oldest( 10 years older than me, I am 53) she lives 5 minutes away and we never hear or see her. She is in Florida for 6 weeks right now. She always has something else to do. She has 7 granddaughters that she helps take care of and then her endless vacations. My middle sister lives 45 minutes away and comes every other weekend and stay 1 day. She takes Mom out to the show or dinner or shopping, but Mom does not like being out long. I lost my job so I am home constantly and have pulled back from all my friends and just stay in my room when I can. Never did I think this is what I would be doing at my age.I get depressed a lot, i have been dealing with depression since 28 years old but it is at a whole new level. This is my MOM though, she has done so much for me in my life, I could never turn my back on her. My oldest sister wants her in assisted living (really) but I promised I would never let that happen unless she felt it was time. I really do not have it as bad as a lot of you cause she is so mobile, sometimes she cooks me dinner! But I said before the dementia is maddening

Wow! Other than hoping my mother would die, your description of your Mom is very similar to my situation. My father also died 6 years ago, too. My mother has always "ruled the roost" and had total control. Even though my brother lives with our Mom, he doesn't really "take care of her", so to speak. As she ages (my Mom is now going to be 86 in May), she is "losing it" mentally and making poor decisions but absolutely refuses to move out of her home of 50+ years. She won't do things "for her own good" (like even use lotion on her dry hands or chapstick on her dry lips which I've provided numerous times, or even "exercise" her legs by moving them up and down while sitting on the sofa). She can hardly walk because her muscles are atrophying from lack of use. I tell her over and over again to move her legs while sitting but she just ignores my suggestions. Frustrating!!

I keep involved with her because she is my Mom, I love her, and has no one else to care for her. Of course, her decisions are her decisions. Sometimes she "listens" to her son-in-law (my husband) because my husband talks "nice" to her. He doesn't see her as often as I do and I'm always the "bad guy" -- suggesting things that are for her own good -- he can do not wrong in her eyes. Geez. Anyway, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because of her poor decisions. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do or say to your Mom that's going to change her behavior. Until there's a crisis (like a hospitalization on her part), you will have to either stay away (I know the guilt I would feel would prevent ME from doing that) or just deal with the situation day to day.

To be blunt here, you need to speak with your doctor and get help for your own mental sake. You sound clinically depressed and would benefit from some kind of medication and talk therapy. When you wish someone would die (especially a parent), help for you is needed ASAP. Good luck and ALWAYS feel free to come to this forum. Let us know how you're doing.

Maridel13, you are not a personal and spiritual failure. I, too, have had these feelings you shared in your post. My Mom is 86 and I am NOT an only child, but because I do all the caregiving for my Mom and get absolutely no help from my other 2 siblings, I might as well be an only child. At least your mother talks about other living arrangements (a nursing home). My mother won't even discuss it. She wants to live in her home until she dies no matter want. Of course they don't want to spend their lifetime of savings on nursing home or home care. They want US to care for them. Sounds reasonable in their minds, no? You are lucky that she "agrees" to having home caregivers come into house. My mother refuses -- doesn't want strangers in her house. Our elders are clueless about how much healthcare costs, senior housing costs, nursing home costs, just about how much anything costs these days. They want to still buy a loaf of bread for a nickel like they did in the 30's and 40's. My mother could easily afford Meals on Wheels ($6 per day for 2 daily meals) but that's "too much money" in her mind and she "doesn't need it". So, she eats like a bird and is constantly losing weight at each doctor appt. Her doctor suggested Meals on Wheels to her or drinking Ensure to supplement her nutrition and she just "makes a face" at him and tells him "ewww, that Ensure stuff tastes like crap", so what's a daughter supposed to do?

I just try to support her wishes as much as I can as I know it's horrible to give up your independence and let others "take over". Eventually, I know when the "sh*t hits the fan" (excuse my language) and she is hospitalized for her poor decisions, I will have to step in and be the bad guy AGAIN and make the decisions. This is my life and I have just accepted it. She's 86 -- how much longer can she live? Perhaps another 5 years, maybe. I just try to do the best I can -- I keep telling myself. I hope when it's her time to go, she goes quickly and peacefully. The drama that ensues when a crisis occurs (like a fall, sickness or hospitalization) makes my anxiety skyrocket. Growing old is no picnic. I hope I have everything in order before I get this way with my own kids (my Mom has no will, doesn't want to talk about it, makes her cry). You never know what the future holds.

Please take care of yourself. I am trying to do that with an 82 yo mother living with my bi-polar brother who promised to take care of her if she gave him all her money. I suggested assisted living where my mother would receive better care than my brother gives her; my dr said I wasn't capable of caring for her in my home and I work full time and care for my bi polar husband and manage my 35 yo son's care who is schizo-affective. Mom and bro decided I should take over some dr appts and visit more even though he took the booty to care for her knowing I couldn't. BOTTOM LINE--I disowned both of them. I have PTSD and am in urgent psychiatric care, they will have to use her assets to get the extra care she needs and not coerce and shame me in to it.

Totally can agree with you. My situation is very similar. It is hard, especially when they fight you when you are trying to help them. She fights eating, changing diapers, sheets, etc. Got a hospital bed through hospice - so now she grabs the rails and won't let go when we try to help her. She is abusive. She says sit and talk - I don't want to - when I was little she would bring food and leave - didn't ask if I needed anything. She would go back to cleaning house - that's all she did. No interaction with me. I am an only child luckily I have a husband who helps me. She was so mad when my dad died 10+ yrs ago and took it out on me and my husband - verbally and would have tantrums and through food and coffee at us and never apoligize because it was always someone else's fault. My dad was always there for me and I miss him but I will not miss her. Oh I'll be sad but not miss her. Now completely bedridden she has no one but me and says no one comes to visit her - she never visited anyone. I am tired of taking care of her - We can't do anything, we can't take a trip, it is horrible. My blood pressure is up and I am tired all the time. Haven't resorted to presciption pills just started taking some nature remedies - hope they help. Can hardly wait until she is gone so I can clean, paint, get new carpet and take a trip. Not necessarily in any order.

I am empathise with you. My suggestion
1.get her assessed ASAP for a home to cater to her needs - let this be a sharing with other professional carers to give you immediate peace of mind and respite
2.sign youself up with a carer support group
3. have your brother assessed also as he might need to be in another care facility
4. get legal advice as well

Haven't read the responses but needed to say...We r living too long. My Mom is 86 with dementia and living with me the last 4 months. At 65 I'm retired and handling everything. Care of her, before her my grandson, a disabled nephew who remains in her home. I set up and take both to appointments. Have to deal with any problems he encounters. Paying her bills out of her account and watching his money. Cleaning out her house getting it ready to sell. Dealing with paperwork for both. Not what I thought I'd be doing retired. Tired of being THE ONE. I do have brothers. One hasn't seen Mom since Nov. The other is 7hrs away.

There needs to be much more proactive and senstible awareness for the public as well. A lobby group in conjunction with Govt funding etc needs to be set up to ensure carers are appropriately supported whether caring for elderly at home plus siblings and others requiring help where paid professional carers step in to carry the load and enable general carers a lot of their life back

I’ve read many of these and feel bad for everyone dealing with parent-child. I call it that because my father is in his late 80s and a pain. My brother who lives so close he can hear my Dad’s toilet flush, but doesn’t seem to have time to check on him unless he or one of his kids wants something. My sister is about ten miles away and tries her best, but is afraid of my brother who had verbally assaulted her, me and my daughter in the past. I live 100 miles away and can’t come in due to weather and commitments that saved me around Christmas. I think God is allowing me time to breathe since I seemed to be the only one who could or would help Dad for over a year. His condition impacts the executive functions-reason, processing financial and business things, and decision making.
As the POA I did everything, but suddenly my father doesn’t trust me and after being prodded by my brother, voided the POA and now wants to do things on his own, but can’t. In spite of the doctor telling him he has cognitive issues he insists he is able. So now I am working on guardianship, even though he was not capable of making the decision to void the POA. This all occurred at the beginning of February and almost on a monthly cycle I have an issue with Dad.
Today I get a call from my aunt, staying with Dad. His phone doesn’t work. After the litany of-I want my checkbook back and I’ll handle my bills, I don’t know what money I have, someone didn’t pay the bill, etc, etc. I called him back to see if it wasn’t just that phone. So the call went through to his kitchen phone. The phone at his chair wasn’t hooked up properly and instead of checking things or troubleshooting he immediately calls me 100 miles away to b*tch and whine. Like I said, monthly drama, almost like cramps and then it subsides till the next month’s issue.
I don’t wish him dead, but I do wish he wouldn’t fight me when I try to help. It is all part of the disease. I was told by a priest to be patient and remember I am the adult. I don’t want more government intervention in my or others lives. I don’t think it’s a matter of we live too long, not everyone gets this disease and many live clear minded lives in their 70s, 80s, and 90s. So, I have come to the conclusion that life is not supposed to be some sort of paradise because that has been pushed on us by the movies or some social club sense of joy. We were never promised our parents wouldn’t get sick or demented. As for that we can’t count on tomorrow either. I know it sounds archaic, but we need to pray; for our parent-child, our siblings who live so close it hurts, and for the situation that is unfolding. We need to just seek help and pray that God gives us the strength to survive our parents regardless of their age. After all when we were crying, wet and hungry they didn’t put us away. At least mine didn’t so I have to try and help til Dad goes. God help me and God love all of you dealing with this mess in your lives. It isn’t easy. At least now there are more things we can do. I remember a guy who lived by himself in a house a block away. No one bothered him and he was nuts. Just kept shut in and everyone was afraid of him. He just lived there until he died. Who knows he might have been like my Dad with no family to care for him. Sad, but we have come a long way with dementia care and handling.
God bless you all and help you with your mission of care.

1metro, I agree, though I may read a bit differently into your answer. I think more needs to be done for caregivers, more in place to help them.
I've hit a lot of dead ends with my mom, and get very little cooperation from doctors, etc., because she answers questions correctly. They think she's a bit dotty but fine. Then I get the rages and the confusion and the accusations. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me (she has major issues with family), but that's another conversation.
But I'd like to see more to help caregivers. Every time I help my mom for doctor's appointments or hospital trips, I have to take unpaid time off. I've spend countless hours in hospitals and doctors offices and picking up medications or taking her shopping or shopping for her. I've looked at paperwork, sorted out confusions, checked on billings, cleaned and more.
Sometimes it's a labor of love, but when her hate and rage boil up, it's agony.
I end up canceling doctor's and dentists appointments because of time lost at work, or because I'm not in the mood to get a lecture for gaining 10 pounds the last six months due to stress eating, etc.
Finally after the last round of accusations I've walked away. It's temporary, I'm sure, but I need a break. I need to get to that doctor's appointment finally so I can keep track of my borderline-high blood pressure, I need to get some new glasses, I need to see the dentist, I need to do my taxes, clean my house, enjoy a day off, and so on.
My mother insists she knows everything better, and finally I am just throwing my hands in the air and saying whatever.
So I'm not technically a caregiver, but it's hard work to deal with an adult who society believes knows better, but clearly she does not. It's like having a child, but a child will grow more independent (ideally) and more capable, whereas this is having a person who grows ever deeper into delusion.

Heidi73 - I 100% agree with you - this is also what my sisters and I are up against with our elderly mother in care - it is agony,more agony and extreme agony like that all of our life but now 1000 times worse - I do empathise and thoroughly support you and will prayer for energy ahd appropriate help to come your way.
Yes - we do need far more appropriate resources to help us as carers and adult children of extremely negative parents as well. Just wondering if there is a way to get a 2nd opinion on your mother etc

I really do wish there was a network -- outside of places like this site -- to help caregivers and those dealing with incapacitated (however they may be) parents, etc.
My mother has called the police, lying about things, threatening to call them on me and my husband, due to her thinking we stole a plastic cat figurine or something silly like that.
We deal with accusations, threats, insults, hatred, tantrums and more.
I firmly believe we should protect our frail and our weak, but things have gone out of hand in other extremes.
I would in many ways like to see my mother put away in a home (well, a dream home that's clean and bright and cheery with great help and fun activities, etc), but as it stands, it's so hard to get help.
She's diabetic and thinks meat is a source of fiber or that drinking a 2-liter of Sprite is good for her, or she takes too many xanax, falls, chain smokes, makes up accusations, thinks the 22-year-old guy at the corner store is in love with her, that her neighbors are obsessed with her or jealous or something (or that I'm jealous), if she doesn't get her way for her cigarettes she's tried to walk to 7-11 and cannot walk the block's distance and stands in the street or crosses it slowly putting herself and drivers at risk. And more and more!
I tell this stuff to her doctor and the doctor refuses to believe it. She's been in so many hospitals the last four years and it's just a shrug. Oh well. She's acting up in here, but fine to go home...
My mom comes in and answers questions alright and the doctor thinks she's just a cute old lady. Then I get Mr. Hyde...
My husband thinks my mom finally changed her phone number (we had a cell for her under our plan) and she tried to call before he left for work. He told me he thinks it was her calling, some kind of test call from the phone company, probably trying one number from her cell out, and it made my blood run cold. I haven't talked to her in a few weeks, and I am both thrilled with it and worried that she's not getting the care she needs. I feel like I'm being torn in two over it all!