I am absolutely distraught and need help. My 85 year old mother lives abroad and has my brother living with her most of the time.
I gave up my job two years ago so I can go and visit more often and stay for over a month at a time.
I have just been after 6 weeks stay and came back 3 weeks ago.
My brother had to go and visit his son and wife for 10 days but she has been telling me that I should have gone back so she wouldn't be alone. I am 60 years old and by no means old but the traveling to the country where she lives, is very tiring for me nowadays with changing flights and running for gates and it's very expensive about £700 for ticket . I go every 3-4 months and stay for 6-8 weeks. I have my kids and husband here and they need me too.
She tells me that I am not a very caring person and selfish. She calls me 10-12 times a day for 40 min each time
It's never an enjoyable visit . I love a holiday but I spend all my money to travel to see her. I love her SO much and all I want is to see and hear her happy. She has fallen out with most of her friends because of her nasty tongue.
I love her, but she makes me feel so bad and I feel so guilty....I also suffer from bad depression and anxiety. I am I wrong ?
As long as you feel guilty, you will never resolve this. I am sure she is contributing to your depression and anxiety.
I think you need to stop taking 10-12 calls per day and say you will only speak to her once per day, or even less. Also, stopping going out there so frequently and for such extended periods of time. If she needs additional help, find paid carers.
You can't change her or make her happy. You can't make anyone else happy - only yourself. She has you in the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. No matter what you do she will not be happy as that is not what she wants in life.
Narcissists need a narcissistic supply of attention and your mother is getting that from you by your long visits and you answering all her phone calls. That is not healthy for you or for her. The more you give her the more she wants and the more your life is governed by her. That is not good for anyone.
Your feelings are the feeling of someone who is being abused. The good news in that you can stop the abuse. Not by changing your mother, but by changing your behaviour towards her and stopping being her narcissistic supply. Don't worry about her - she will find someone else to give her attention.
She wants to be the center of your universe BUT your children and husband and yourself have to come before her.
You can't fill any one else's cup if yours is empty. You sound pretty empty to me which under the present circumstances is not surprising. Your mother drains you. You need filling up - time away from your mother - phone calls and all, and time with your family and time just for you.
At one point I cut my BPD narcissistic mother off for a year. At another point I let her calls go to voicemail. Did she like that - no. Did she get angry? Yes ! What's new? That's manipulation. I got on with my life.
Giving up your job to meet the demands of a mentally ill person is not a good thing. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You will get lots of support here to cut the unhealthy cords binding you to your mother. I know it isn't easy but it can be done. I believe you can do it. The more you distance yourself from your mother - physically and emotionally the healthier you will get. Personally I would take a complete break from contact for a month or more, then limit answering the phone calls to whatever you feel you can handle - once a week or whatever and limit your visits. You are not obliged to visit her.
Your mother will probably call in what we call the flying monkeys - well meaning relatives - to get at you when you have cut her off. Don't pay too much attention to them either. Just look after yourself and your hub and kids and enjoy them. Do things that build you up, focus on your own needs, plan to enjoy something every day. You deserve it.
Why do you comply (at your own admission) with your mother's emotional blackmail? You've described her as having a "nasty tongue." You quit your job and leave your husband and children for weeks at a time to appease her. You owe it to yourself, your husband and children to reclaim your life from your mother, who will not stop her demands. You must put your foot down and stand up for yourself. It's your mom, not you, who is "uncaring and selfish."
Boundaries are essential to restore your well-being. Establish those boundaries and defend them. Allow one or two brief calls a week. Block your mom's phone number if you must. Stop running to these 6-week misery-visits. No wonder you're anxious and depressed! Trust me, her response will be explosive; she'll ramp up the emotional abuse when you put those boundaries in place. Remember, these boundaries are for you, not punishment to her (although your mom will see it that way. Too bad!) Each of us is responsible for our own life and happiness. Take back yours, Lonelyplanet, now! (((Hugs)))
If she's calling you 10 - 12 times/day and it's 40 mins/call, that is about 6.5 - 8 hours/DAY on phone calls with her? That is absurd! You NEVER get away from this woman!
It sounds like she is equally abusive to your brother. What does he think of all this? Do you think the two of you could take a united stand and stop her abuse of the two of you?
Llamalover47 💛
If you aren’t currently getting help— be it therapy, meds, or both— get help ASAP. Depression and anxiety will eat you alive.
Being away from your husband and kids for six weeks is too long. They come first, not Mother! No matter how much you talk to her or help, it won’t be good enough for her. You will never earn her love or appreciation.
”I love her SO much and all I want is to see and hear her happy.” Why do you love her so much? She treats you terribly and you aren’t good enough for her. She doesn’t sound like a loving mother. Narcissist parents seldom are. Stop trying to earn her love.
Give up on wanting to see her happy. This will not happen. Narcissists are never truly happy. It’s like thinking you can eat tubs of ice cream for a week, while hoping you don’t gain weight. Not possible! You might wish for it, but it won’t end up like you hoped. All the love and good intentions in the world won’t work. You are only punishing yourself and made to feel in the wrong.
Not saying you should never see or talk to her again. Just stop the multiple phone calls and extended trips to see her. A week would suffice.
i’ll start right away applying some to myself. thanks!! :)
Wgen someone like your mum keeps saying you are not a good daughter and what have you done for me ...you start believing maybe I am bad.
I am a good person. I am a good mum and good wife and good sister. And I think I am a good daughter
Being away from her was not my decision or choice . It was decided for me since age of 16. Now I am 60 and have a life here I am not allowed to live it .
Thanks for your support 💞
If you ‘don't answer her call, she will call my husband or my son'. You need to talk with them and develop a joint strategy. You can’t let yourself and your family be ruined like this, emotionally or financially, and your husband and son need to step up to the plate too.
You need to see that she can’t ‘make your life a misery’. You decide on the misery, not her. If that’s what she is trying to do to you, you need to step away. She’s had most of her own life, you now need yours. Be brave! Be sane! Be sensible! Yours, Margaret
Thank you so much for your encouraging and reassuring words. I have never posted or been involved with any forum but I am so glad I have posted last night . I feel I have lots of friends I can talk to 💓. I am very lonely myself and trying to get back to work to get some structure in my life rather than spending hours on the phone listening to verbal abuse and belittling from my mum.
You are right. Nothing I do or have done means anything.
I don't think she even likes me. My brother & I have lost all our self confidence.
She has a very strong hold on both of us.
Talking has helped ،
Lots of love H ❣️
Let her know how the future will play out. One phone call per day will be taken bc you do not have time for more, period. One overseas trip per year you'll take to see her bc that's all you can afford and your family needs you at home. Period. That's it mother, all I have left in me to give, and if it's not enough, we can cut out these ridiculously miserable calls ENTIRELY. Hang up the phone at the first sign of her mentioning "she won't make it". The guilt trips end HERE AND NOW mother, enough is enough.
Boundaries are vital with these types of women. Because nothing you do will EVER be enough ANYWAY, so why are YOU leaving your blood and guts on the floor for her? When my mother pulled out the I'm Jumping Out The Window card, I'd remind her she lived on the first floor so she'd need a better plan to off herself, that wouldn't work. Or she'd run out in traffic to kill herself that way. I'd remind her she was wheelchair bound so running wouldn't work either. Trying to get a rise out of you CAN'T WORK or the antics just get worse. Call her bluff. And hang up the phone every single time she starts in with the head games so she KNOWS you mean business. If she gets mad, too bad. You're mad too and on your way to the doctor for medication to deal with her B.S. to boot. No more. Let today be the day you stand up for yourself and your rights and say I'm not gonna take this crap ANYMORE. And mean it.
These women have never been told to sit down and shut up and THIS is the result. #Truth
Take your life back, my friend, you have that power.
Ah can't thank you enough for your message. I NEEDED to hear that so much. All the time thinking I am wrong and bad and deserve it.
I have been going to counselling for some time now to help me deal with her behavior and the counsellor told me that my mother has got a profound hold and effect on me for some reason.
She is at her calmest when I am down and now that the medication is helping me to see a bit clearer she doesn't like it or me for that matter.
I will try harder .
You and the other lovely people who have replied have saved me and you don't know how much.
I don't feel lonely any more
Lots of love 💗
My mum called tonight for 40 min crying and saying that I am torturing her to death and she doesn't think she is going to make it and it's all my fault .
She will make my life a misery if I don't answer her call .she will call my husband or my son's.
I never tell her what we do as she always antagonize me by saying I have a good life and she doesn't.
I have to go back and see her and just stay for two weeks. It's a very miserable trip.
I don't want to live anymore ...
Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself!
She is impossible to please and impossible.
Lots of love 💓
And my DMom only called when she needed me or to tell me something.
To be honest, I think 1x a year is enough for no longer than a month. 2x at the most. You have a husband who probably love u home. £700 works out to be about $1000 in Amercan dollars depending on the day. I think ur Mom expects too much. Time for boundries. Pick up the first call and if its nothing but berating you tell her time to stop. If all she is going to do is berate u when she calls, then you will not be answering her calls. She does not need to call u 10/12x a day. Once is enough just to check in. I would also tell her you are going to need to scale down ur visits. Its becoming too much. You have to set boundries for yourself.
No is a one word sentence
When saying the word No, you are not responsible for the reaction u receive.
Guilt is self-imposed - no one can make u feel guilty if u don't allow it.
Answer 1 call a day from her. Let the rest go to voicemail.
If she starts in complaining, getting nasty tell her that you will not listen if she continues to talk in that way. If she continues HANG UP. No good bye just hang up and do not answer until her next call is "due".
Tell her that you have done the best that you can do and she can not expect more.
Don't take bait that she tosses out. that is a sure way to get into an argument and many NP feed off that. Do not feed the beast. (I am not implying or saying your mom is a beast, just the saying is appropriate)