I'm 32 years old and have recently reunited with my father (65 yrs old) after 30 years(we had been in contact only 2 times after I was 2 years old-only by phone before our reunion-once when I was 8 and then again when I was 25).He is a self admitted alcoholic and has been long before I was born.His words: '...This didn't happen over night'.There has also been off and on drug use of every kind since before I was born up until only a few years ago.I 'found' him a little over a month ago through my half brother(27 years old)who lives in the same state as our father.They've had an on and off relationship his entire life.Alcohol and drugs affected that and alcohol still does.Through talking to my long lost brother,who I had never met in person,I got the sudden urge to finally meet him and my father in person.A few weeks ago, I flew down to meet them.My brother and I took a day to go spend with my father while I was there.We couldn't tell him I was coming because of the potential of him drinking more and earlier than he usually does with the anticipation.My brother agreed to come visit him(after 3 years of them not seeing each other)as long as he was sober when he got there.Our dad promised him.When we got there,he was drunk(at 9:30 in the morning).Honestly,I expected it.All in all it turned out to be a great visit-after the first 2 hours of practically babysitting).Ever since I came back home,I can't help but worry about our dad.I worry about his health and his living situation and his care.I worry he's going to die alone and no one will know. Maybe 65 years old doesn't seem old to a lot of people,but this man looks like he's 85, no lie.He's lived a hard life,still does,and it shows.He's about 5ft 7in and probably weighs about 110 lbs.Hunched over.Toothless.Sun damage for sure. Scares on his face and body that all have a story to tell.No telling what's going on on the inside.Possible COPD, liver damage,maybe even brain damage and I can't imagine what else.He smokes cigar cigarettes with the filters ripped off,pot and drinks alcohol practically all day every day.My brother doesn't seem to be in contact with him hardly ever. Maybe a quick phone call about once a month or less.And I guess they see each other maybe once every couple of years. I don't think my brother is in tune with the possible severity of our fathers health and the fact that one day,if that day isn't already here,he's no longer going to be able to care for himself and how any of that is going to affect either of us.I don't think he's considered any of it.My father lives alone in a small RV an hour and a half away from my brother. The only other family my father has is a terminally ill adopted sister who lives 2 hours away from him.Up to this point, she has been the one who provides transportation once a month to a grocery store.She provides him with a cell phone and pays his lot rent for the RV(which she also purchased).He lives soley off of social security.It's my understanding that she is near death and I worry about what will happen to my father when she's gone.Who will pay his lot rent?Will I lose contact with him because he'll no longer have a phone? How will he get food?Get to the doctor? He has no means to take care of any of this on his own.He can't even save our phone numbers on to his phone because he doesn't know how.He has my brother and I as well as his sister's numbers written down on paper that he keeps in a 'pouch'(which contains other important things such as his ID,his EBT card,social security card,etc.)that he frequently misplaces because he stays intoxicated. He loses all contact with everyone until they contact him or he finds it,when that happens.In his current condition, my biggest fear is that he dies....alone.Who will know?How and when will my brother and I find out?These worries and possibilities have been haunting me every day all day(and night)ever since I left him.I just don't know what to do or where to start.If I could do what I wanted to do I would go 'rescue' him and bring him home with me and get him help/treatment for his alcoholism and regular care from a physician.Try to get him some quality of life,of what he has left of it.He's basically just been a survivor his entire life.I don't want him to die like that.I want him to have some level of comfort.The reality of the situation is that I'm afraid to talk to my husband about how I feel,because he'll probably be against it.We don't have the money to financially care for another human being.I've tried to contact my brother since my visit to try to talk to him about my concerns but with his work schedule it's impossible for us to connect.I just don't know if there's any hope for my situation or if there's anybody that could even relate.If anyone has any insights, ideas or advice on how I could possibly find a solution to any of this I would greatly appreciate it.Thanks in advance.
I remember thinking I could stop my father from drinking. I did feel that if I only found the right thing to do it would work. I knew and loved him. and I didn't want him to ruin his life. Following normal rules doesn't work with alcoholics.
You sound like you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. You will find the solution that you can live with. Good luck.
thanks again for the feedback, I'll respond to some of the latest posts at the end of the update. **** so, today I decided I was ready to attempt another sober conversation with my father after about a 2-3 week break from it. I called after I got off work.... his phone was disconnected. ONE OF MY FEARS. I tried contacting his sister and his friend on fb asking if they had seen or heard from him. no response from his sister. his friend replied telling me he spoke with him in person about a week ago and that he had fallen while at his sister's (2hrs away from where he lives) and fractured 3 ribs. they apparently took him to the hospital while he was with her and now he's back at his home (I'm sure this was alcohol related). His buddy said maybe his phone is out of minutes. that's weird because my dad told me awhile back that he never runs out of minutes, he has an unlimited plan. so I don't know what's going on with that. I contacted my brother and told him what was up and even he thought it was weird that there was no way to get in touch with him. He seemed concerned and said he needed to go see him. He lives 90 minutes away from him and hasn't seen or talked to him since our reunion. I guess in the meantime, I'll just hope for the best and try not to think the worst until I hear from his sister or him. my dad was calling me every day wether I answered or not, up until about 3 weeks ago when he went to see his sister. I didn't worry or think anything because I knew he was staying with her for about a week to help her work on her house. I spoke to him twice while he was there. the last time, he DID mention he had fallen but acted like it was nothing serious. He was drunk both times we talked, more so the last time, which is why I gave our talks a break, plus I didn't wanna interrupt his visit with her. his friend told me when he saw him last week he was using his phone, so it was working a week ago. I'm not sure why he hasn't tried to contact me lately, unless he's hurting from the fall. I kinda worry about him drinking after fracturing ribs because he's always moving around and working on stuff WHILE drunk. oh well, there's nothing I can do now. maybe I'll try to have another talk with him (maybe more sternly) about the drinking when I hear from him. it's hard for me to be straight up with him about how I feel about some of his issues, I guess because I don't know him very well and I'm afraid I might upset him or make him feel badly about himself. wether it should or not, how he feels DOES matter to me.
*****ok now to respond to some posts***** ---I realize I'm not responsible for his welfare, but I do care about him. I've loved and cared about a man I've never known my entire life. I can't help it. maybe I can't or shouldn't help but I do worry, and do care. ---- I have considered sending a care package, but there's no where to send it to. He has no mailbox where he lives and refuses to pay for a p.o. box. I'm not in a place financially where I can pay for that or a cell phone. and don't worry, I wouldn't ever give him money directly or anything I think he might be able to trade for something else. ----- I intend to stay in control of our contact. I'm considering, when I talk to him again, letting him know that his drunkenness is what has kept me from contacting him more frequently lately. kind of nervous about that one, but I'll let you know how it goes. ------thanks again for everyone's wisdom and encouragement. it IS appreciated!
If you ultimately need to cut off contact entirely, no one here with any experience with alcohol will blame you. (Beware of the "Honor thy Father" nuts who might try to guilt you. Honor the parents who have done something to deserve the title, and keep being a good parent to your OWN kids. That's your job.)
Made sure he is on the radar with his local agencies. It is extremely sad that he apparently has no one but his sister that he is in contact with. (As far as you know. It is possible he has some buddies who would notice his absence if he were unable to hang out with them.) This is sad, and it is a consequence of his decisions and behaviors over the years. If there were realistically something you could do to reverse that and give him a new start without damage to your own relationshps, I'd say GO FOR IT! This seems totally unlikely to me (to the other posters, too).
This man was not your daddy ... he was a sperm donor. It is loving and gracious of you to forgive him. Beyond that? Do everything you can to ensure that your husband and children have all the support your can give them and that all of you make wise decisions as you move forward.
Do keep us posted as this story unfolds.
UPDATE: since posting I've actually put some space between my phone conversations with him. talking to him almost daily had kind of become somewhat of an obsession for me since our reunion. I put the space there mainly because it was hit or miss communicating with him being sober or coherent enough to get anywhere in our conversations. usually, a 'miss'. so, I'm gonna try to reply to some of the comments.
-I will try communicating with someone from APS in his area and see what I come up with.
-I don't think that I'm really looking to 'make up' any time/years I've missed with him as much as just being genuinely concerned for his health or care since actually seeing what his life is like once I came face to face with him.
-and no, I don't think I was thinking 'rationally' or 'logically' from the time after the reunion to the time I posted this. I was thinking with my heart and emotions, wanting to save him and rescue him from his way of living....if it was possible....not fully considering any repercussions or hell it could cause me and my family down the road. putting space between our conversations,I think helped me gain a little clarity.
-in reference to the adoptive sister, from what I can tell, she's probably an alcoholic and probably smokes pot too. She gets it for him. She trades her medicine that she gets for her cancer (not sure if it's pain medicine or what) for pot, for him and her. I think they only catch up once a month for his monthly errand running. she's terminally ill and refusing additional treatment, which is why I guess she trades her medicine, so she doesn't talk to him or see him much because she stays sick and doesn't like being bothered. and he's kind of a bother.
-I am definitely not in a position to stage an intervention--with me living in Virginia and him living in Florida. I would love to if it was possible and there were enough responsible people that cared about him to stand firm in not enabling him. as much as I would like to 'fix' him, I feel like it's too late. I try to be encouraging with him about the alcohol and seeking help with meetings or churches. I think he likes the idea, but probably won't act on it. He seems content with the way things are going. but probably only because his sister has always taken care of certain things. I don't think he's thought far ahead enough to what happens when she's gone. I've asked him, who will pay the lot rent? who will pay for your cell phone? he says, ' I'm gonna be just fine, don't worry about me, I got this'. but I don't see how he does. He's never had to take care of anything on his own. she's enabled him his whole life. always rescued him.
-yes, I have to young children--11 and 7. yes, my relationships with them and my husband are the most important. I can see how bringing him in to our lives could really be detrimental. I could see it tearing our family apart. plus I don't want them being exposed to or influenced by his alcoholism and pot smoking, or his 'advice' about living in this world and sharing inappropriate life experiences. He would not be a good role model AT ALL.
-@ magdalena.... you mentioned you are experienced with addiction (within the family I'm guessing). I would really appreciate any other advice you may have in dealing with an addicted loved one, supposing I completely turn from the idea of being any more involved with his future care. I know I do want to continue to try to have a relationship with him. it's just hard having the patience with him during our conversations. it's hard to get off the phone with him. He talks a LOT. He repeats himself a lot, asks me the same things over and over, sometimes I can barely understand his speech. because he's drunk? probably----it gets progressively worse as the phone call continues. brain damage? maybe. probably both. I don't know where to go with our relationship... or where to draw the line.
thanks again everyone! it really means a lot just knowing someone else listened to my situation and cares.
Keep your distance. Call APS like Babalou suggested.
So. If you could organize an "intervention" and he would go into a rehab voluntarily, and/or have him declared incompetent, you could make an impact. But just bringing him to your home as is means he will do what he is doing now, just in a nicer location. Talk to the adoptive sister - is she also helping him but drinks and smokes and pot? Don't just prop him up if you want him to get into any kind of care.
do not take this on.
it will never ever make up for the years you did not have a father, and taking him on will be taking on descent into a hell you could not imagine. it will destroy you. Again, babalou has the answer.