How do I ask for help from friends?

If you watch the Teepa Snow videos on dementia, one of the things that happens when people start to lose some cognitive function is they lose initiative. I saw that in my mom. She was able to live on her own until her death at 97. But she had some cognitive decline (memory and reasoning ability) and lost her ability to get from point A to point B, even when she wanted to. For example, she'd say, "I'm going to write so-and-so" only she never did. I'd take an addressed birthday card for her friend and it would sit until I sat there with her waiting for her to write a short note on the card. That was NOT like my mom. But she just couldn't make anything outside of her normal day-to-day activity happen on her own. She was constantly going to do things that she never did. After watching the Teepa Snow video, I finally understood what was happening.

My mom was kind of a loner and I became her whole world and sometimes it grated on me (the responsibility), but I finally realized in my mom's case, she could change it anytime she wanted. She lived in independent living and had people all around her. But I think she knew she had some cognitive decline and just didn't want to be around others anymore.

Could you set up some standing dates for your mom with her friends? Every Monday she has lunch with Sally and every Wednesday, she meets Louise for coffee at 3 PM at Panera? Something like that? Then it would just be up to you to make sure mom knows the schedule and the friends are notified if there are changes. That's the only thing that I could think of to make her friends understand how to get together with your mom. It sounds like you are doing a LOT for your mom and she's lucky to have you. Sometimes we can't "fix" everything for our aging parents, which can be very frustrating.

blannie, thank you! I needed to read all you have written.

Deep down, I know that the neurological evaluation was a bit on the optimistic side.
Deep down, I know that she can't help it.

Why do I still get so frustrated, and why I feel resentful, it totally escapes me.
It's like a part of me doesn't want to accept her cognitive decline. Or perhaps the responsability attached to it, as you say.

Your idea is the only viable one, one that I had had myself but just felt yet another thing to organize, and after many years of (various) illnesses and dramas I'm probably just feeling tired. But the alternative is just silly: I end up discussing this with my mom, and going nowhere, of course.

Your example of the card is spot on; it happens the same every day to me too, with everything, really. From toothbrushing to writing down an appointment; if I don't sit down with her and wait until she's done it it just doesn't happen.

I just wonder how long it will take me to fully realize that this is our life now, and that is ok.

Your words have really encouraged me. Thank you *hugs*

I'm seeing the same issues about which Blannie wrote. I think sometimes the changes are so abrupt that we don't realize they're occurring, but when they do, it's more responsibility for us. Even if you created a calendar for her, you'd probably have to prompt her with reminders if not arrangements to engage in activities.

But I won't deny that I often have the same problem myself; sometimes it's just too much to handle social engagements with all the caregiving activities, so I just let the former drift by.

Asking others to take the initiative in providing transportation for events could help, but make sure that Mom is reminded beforehand (and helped to get ready, if necessary), so she isn't caught off guard.

You might get one of the those huge calendars, or something smaller but pretty, with cats, dogs, flowers or other lovely themes to draw her eye to the current monthly page.

I think when someone reaches this stage, "carrying her own weight" isn't an option w/o some kind of family support.

And this isn't necessarily an age related issue; I believe it's a trauma issue. I experienced it after my sister died.

GardenArtist, I'm so sorry that you lost your sister. This must have been terrible for you. More and more I can see how this place is a place of survivors, and that the wisdom that I find here is something I'll never find in any counselling.

Perhaps it's true that we do sacrifice ourselves, a lot, but this is not necessarily codependancy, as I felt it was subtly hinted by my therapist; it's being a carer, and having been through lots. Just this.

As I often feel reading your posts, you really reed minds!
It's so, so weird how similar our experiences are, and how difficult is to explain to someone external what they are really about, and where the tiredness comes from...

* creating a calendar + many (many) reminders: check
* realizing mom doesn't remember to have a calendar, nor the reminders: check
* drawing much bigger, huge calendar for her: check
* asking her friend to pick her up: check
* reminding mom a zillion times her friend is coming to pick her up: check
* realizing mom is still in her pijamas eating a muffin and watching TV when her friend comes to pick her up: check

Oh LOL. I have to smile as you really are making me think of all the things I do, frantically, hopelessly, every day and then I wonder why I feel so tired...

I don't know if it's trauma, if it's age, if it's dementia, if I'm codependant... all these after all are just labels.
What I'll do, I'll buy a calendar with kittens AND dogs AND flowers. It'll probably make no difference but at least every time I'll watch it I'll think of your post and smile again.

Thank you :)

If she's "confused and depressed" at times, she might not want to commit to an outing.
I think older folks, with a bit of cognitive decline, sometimes don't want others to know that they're "slipping", so they shun visits, etc.
Since your mom doesn't have dementia, ASK her if she would like you to arrange outings with her friends. She may not really want to go. My mother would NEVER admit she wasn't as sharp as a tack, she would tell you she was just fine (pride). But she couldn't distinguish an aspirin from a vitamin and would go to meals hours before they were served.

You say she gets confused after you leave. Is your mom easily "re-orientable"? Is she safe to leave alone?
She also has "company" (caregivers and you) for a total of 7 hours a day. That's more than the average senior. Maybe she would do better in a senior facility (independent or assisted living) than living alone at home.

Since you are already feeling slightly resentful (which is normal for the amount of time you invest), I wouldn't suggest that she move in with you.

You sound like you're a wonderful daughter and are doing a great job. But, like Blannie said, sometimes you can't fix everything.
Good luck.

Arwen, don't feel badly. I have to remind myself constantly, every time I visit my father. It's often hard to make the mental adjustment to what a caregiver expects vs. what the reality is.

And I need to make notes for myself for how I might be if I live that long!

GardenArtist if you're like our folks, you won't be able to find that note when the time comes. Hahahahahaha. :)

Blannie, I'm ALREADY having trouble finding things! I'll be a mess if I actually grow old!

I have a calendar planner but I forget to LOOK at it! ;)

Blannie, GardenArtist, Sue... I'm so grateful for your support.

I was feeling very discouraged last night, you have gave me so much strength and courage. I have managed to do more today than in the last week, and reading your last posts really put a smile on my face.

My personal plan for when I’ll be an old lady is to hire a very young handsome butler who will remember where I put my notes to myself :D

I guess I didn't realize until last night how much the words of the new therapist had somehow dis-empowered me, making me feel like I was doing too much, and that it was wrong. Now I feel like I'm doing what has to be done, and that is difficult, but it's difficult for everybody in the same position, and this change of attitude is really helping me. I’m actually one of the lucky ones who does have help from other carers, while so many of you are doing it all by yourselves.


@ Sue: You make very good points.

You are totally right; my mom feels insecure about her cognitive abilities.
I know she’s been really frightened to lose her mind, cause I read some notes she wrote while I was tiding up the house, but she hides her fear. In a way, I think she tries to protect me. And yes, there's also some pride!

I don’t want to force her to see people, but see, people are what make her feel alive, and good about herself. She’s a typical extraverted, energised by being with people; every time she eventually sees her friends she’s so happy, like a child. It’s moving, and weird, as I’m a true introverted, so I have actually to make an effort to understand how much people are important to her.

At the same time, my mom is a complex creature. She was a doctor, and a super intellectual one, always studied throughout her life, and still does, so she likes to be with people with whom she can talk about things that still interest her. I don’t want to make her sound fussy and difficult, cause she’s not, but I’m not sure how well she would cope in an hospice, playing bingo and watching tv…

I don’t know; I guess I’m the one being fussy. It’s just so hard to see a brilliant, funny, loving mind like hers struggling so much. I guess I’d love for her to be in the environment where she can be as much independent and stimulated for the longest possible. It comes with sacrifices, but at least for the moment I’m still willing to make my part. I just wish sometimes to involve more all her friends in her life, cause there's no other family, just me and her, and I’m trying to find a way for it to happen.


Is it safe for my mom to still live alone? Would she be better with a 24/7 care?
I think of these things you say every day, since this summer.

We don't have independent living facilities in my country, either it's living at home (alone or assisted) or in an hospice, and I would rather avoid the latter.

Right after my father died we had thought to sell both of our houses and move together in a bigger house, where we could have some common areas but enough privacy, and a room for a future 24/7 carer. But shortly after that she started being very confused every time we were talking of moving and I eventually realized that the thought was making her anxious, but she was afraid to disappoint me and wouldn't say no.
It took me a long time to understand what she wanted, I eventually had to make the decision for her and decided to make her live in her home where I think she feels more independent and in control. After that I have hired the 2 carers and the plan is to hire someone 24/7 to live with her when she won't be able to live on her own anymore.

It's not easy to see exactly where we stand in the balance between safety and independence; for the moment she didn't do anything dangerous for herself or for others, so I'm just monitoring everything day by day and I'll see how the situation evolves (and boy, it evolves quickly).

Is this a good plan? I don’t know. Perhaps you are right saying that living together would have been even harder for me, since I’m already stressed. I’m taking your word of advice seriously.

To all of you, thank you again.
I’m new to all this, and not experienced. Writing my thoughts down and reading your thoughts is making a huge difference for me.

A handsome butler would do wonders for any of us when we're old ladies! Now that would be an old age addition that we could look forward to!

As to therapist's advice, you have to weigh it and judge for yourself. I've only seen a therapist once, over a decade ago, after my sister died and my father had made a very risky move that could have compromised his safety and health. Her advice was similar to that you received - it's his decision, let him deal with it and back off. I couldn't do that, and I didn't. And I thought at that time that her advice was cold and irresponsible.

I've felt the same sometimes when a physical therapist or occupational therapist give "advice." It was clear that they don't understand some aspects of aging. One PT'ist insisted that my then 98 year old father could handle about an hour each of PT and OT. I disagreed; it was too much for him. She continued to insist; I continued to disagree. She must have asked for a replacement, because she never came back.

I didn't tell her that the OT'ist had told me Dad was exhausted just from OT, let alone adding the more demanding PT to his regimen on the same day.

Next visit was with an extraordinarily sympathetic older man who bonded with Dad immediately. Some therapists just "don't get it."

So much for therapists being sympathetic - some are, some aren't. Listen to their advice, evaluate it, and decide for yourself. I won't deny that they often have good advice, but one of them also wanted to rearrange the bedroom, despite having been told that when it was tried before, Dad was not used to the new arrangement and fell out of bed once. So much for that.

I was wondering if you could give your mother an "assignment" to keep her thoughts positively occupied until you return again? Something with just a few choices, like would she like this or that robe, or calendar, or something that didn't really require analysis but would be based on a spontaneous reaction?

How sad it is that your mother is frightened of losing capacity. But, again, it's not limited to older folks with dementia. I've experienced that, especially with math skills. I'm sure I'm not alone. Our minds have only so much storage capacity, and sometimes I think that they're overwhelmed and the less important issues are moved to some off line storage. Perhaps that's why I take such detailed notes, as I did when I was working for documentation and billing purposes.

I fully understand your desire to keep your mother in an environment where she can be intellectually stimulated. From what I've seen in rehab, and just a glimpse of what's available in AL, I don't think you're going to find that there.

I've observed repeatedly that my father, and I would be completely bored with bingo and similar level of passive activities. And I do know that reading woodworking and aviation magazines helps keep my father's brain active, even while his body is seguing into more inactivity.

This might be a possibility. Since she's a retired doctor, have you thought of contacting hospitals, or perhaps medical associations, to see if there are other retired doctors who might want to network?

Another thought: AAUW- American Assn. of University Women. I attended a few meetings and was amazed at the intellectual capacity of the participants. It was like being in an honors class back in college. Foreign relations were the topics of conversation, focusing on different geographic areas. After the meeting, I had a sense of mental rejuvenation.

Even if someone doesn't participate, just considering other women's contributions would be stimulating.

If your mother likes English literature, the Jane Austen Society of North America is a good one, if you have a good leader. There's a strong 1800s English culture element, with frequent discussion of the lack of women's rights, the "entitlement" inheritance prejudice, and similar topics.

One of the libraries in our area has concerts monthly. I just realized I missed the Vive la France concert last week (darn!), but there's a chamber music concert next Friday.

Events like this might stimulate your mother.

You mentioned your country; may I ask in which country you live? If, for example, it's one of the Scandinavian ones, I'm wondering if there are more community activities, since it's my understanding that there's a more sophisticated sense of community involvement than there is here in America.

Now, where can I look for a handsome young butler to occupy my thoughts while I'm struggling to help my father?

Oh, here I go again. The Jane Austen meetings not only offered intellectual stimulation for those interested in that genre of literature, but there were nice after-discussion indulgences of delectable desserts (too high in sugar, but a good chance for conversation with others).

Would your mother be interested in any crafts or needlework groups, such as the women making blankets, hats, etc. for soldiers? I haven't been involved in one, but have thought of it.

Another opportunity might be charity work, including through her church.

Maybe even Toys for Tots needs help wrapping presents for Christmas (if there are any military bases in your country). Or perhaps your country has other charitable works that need volunteers.

These are informal gatherings, but they're social so she could participate or just listen.

GardenArtist, you gave me so many precious tips and ideas.

First of all, I have decided to temporarily suspend the therapy and see how it goes.
(please don’t feel responsible, I was already thinking about it, it’s not because of you)
I just decided that I can't afford to waste time working on a co-dependancy problem that I don't have, emotionally, financially e mostly because I do have so many other things I'd like to do in my free time :)
I've had some therapy in the past to help me through a rough patch and it didn't feel so cold, as you say, it was actually a great, empowering experience. This is how it should feel like.

Second, I'm so sorry that your dad had to do with some crazy occupational therapist.
It's hard enough to be old, and fragile, the last thing one needs is to feel exhausted and not up to the task; good job that you put your foot down and went with your instinct. More and more my instinct is what I'm learning to rely upon, above everything else. Many Kudos to you.

Third, you gave me so many ideas to try and implement with my mother that I really want to make some experiment and then report back to you.

As your father, my mom reads nerds stuff too haha! :D Like Science magazines, Philosophy and Astronomy… the times I find her most depressed is when she can’t find anything to do and ends up watching TV. At the same time, sometimes she enjoys those silly TV quizzes in a way that leaves me pretty speechless! Like they are the most clever shows ever!! It’s like to have a weird kid who sometimes is a genius and sometimes is just a kid :)

So, I think I will implement the following, which I really liked:

* contacting hospitals, or perhaps medical associations for networking
* volunteering (somehow; I still have to think of this one)
* giving her assignments based on “first response” (brilliant!)
* involving her in some Christmas activity

I’ll have to skip the American based ideas cause we are in Europe, and no, I’m not in Scandinavia, I’m just in Northern Italy where the system is not that enlightened yet :D

I’m thinking now that helping me organising these activities is precisely where her friends would come very handy, infact. This could be absolutely perfect!

I’ll need some planning, and some time. Just give me some and you’ll see!

*hugs you*

I couldn't help it, I went to google "handsome butler".
Here, this is for you :)

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/handsome-butler-tuxedo-bowtie-gift-box-tray-young-73267028.jpg

Handsome young butler.....anyone who checks out that link will be dealing with heart palpitations!

And I look forward to your next post, or report. I'm sure you'll be able to create a lot of solutions to your questions and can share them with us. I'm always looking for options.

Arwen31, has your mother had an evaluation for clinical depression? If she does have depression there are medications that can help her feel better.

For the time being, could you ask her friends if they could come to visit her? You might have to set up some activity for them to do like watching a video or working on a craft. At first the friend could visit while a caregiver is there to be sure that things go smoothly.

I sympathize with your efforts to explain your mother's condition to her friends. Maybe it's better not to try to explain "why" and just tell them what her current abilities are and that more interactions will help her recover.

Good luck.

I simply love this website. I read every entry here. All great ideas. This site indeed gives encouragement.
I have been a caregiver to my both my Mother and Father's Parents & Parent... And now it's my both parents. I do have a calendar for all appointments etc. I have also used a dry erase calendar.
I am work full time as a machine operator. My parents are both showing early signs of dementia, along with many medical issues.  I pray for patience and I am preparing myself mentally for what's to come.
Being organized is key.
My Dad is very social but my Mother is not. She has so many friends to. What happens is our neighbor's would drop in to visit or pick up some extra food I had made. Which adds socializing and fills their belly's :-) we always engage in conversation with good old stories, memories, and current things. This can always lead to interests, hobbies, crafts etc. 
Everyone is different but I find what works for my Mom is the element of surprise. That way she dosent have her anxiety of the anticipation of the visit.
Maybe you could have friends pop in on times you know your Mother is "ready" for her day, such as her bathing, dressed ect. Just reach out to some of her friends and stat with short simple visits.
I would call her friends and simply tell them that you are calling to try to keep her good friends in touch with her that she is having a little trouble remembering. See if they could pop in and visit with her.
It may lead to more visits or as someone posted here, they may set up certain days to visit her which also lead to her going out with her.
My prayers for you and you Mom. Best wishes

If you believe/perceive that seeing her friends helps her, then you need to become the social secretary for your mother. This means encouraging friends to contact you when they decide to visit her. Or you need to reach out to her friends to set-up social events. i would preface your request with an offer to pay for the event.
When she agrees to an event, you must make sure that she is dressed properly for the outing. I don't know whether you can rely on her caretakers to do so. But you can lay out her clothes when you visit her the night before. Then you can remind the caretaker about the planned event and the clothing prepared for it.
Make sure that you have arranged for payment for the outing. Don't expect her friends to pick up the tab and then be reimbursed. Write a check or prepaid credit card or cash Don't use a regular credit or debit card unless you know that the friend is absolutely trustworthy.
Given your remarks about your mother's cognitive decline, the suggestions about calendars seem more appropriate as reminders for the caregiver or yourself, not your mother. Reliance on them to keep your mother on track is likely to another source of frustration for you.
Have you considered that your mother might be suffering from depression, even though she passed her MMSE? A consult with another neurologist might be in order or a follow-up with the original one.
On a personal note, I found it terrifying as well as frustrating to recognize my own mother's cognitive decline. I found that I could not do enough to remedy her decline. It seems to be that you are already devoting considerable time to her care, how much more can you reasonably do?
A good many of us recognize your situation and the frustrations of it, it is a tough position to be in. Best to you.

Arwen - great ideas from many. As far as therapists go, always trust your own guts. I have seen many over my lifetime, and usually it takes only a few sessions to identify ones that don't work for me and that's OK. I find someone else. Good luck with keeping your mum involved.

You need to take a reality check! Your mom is 90 years old and she's just lost her life time partner and you want her to rebound back with same energy and zest! What's wrong with you? Why are you making this all about yourself? If she's withdrawing from life, then it's her choice. Have you stopped to think that she's getting tired of all those social engagements. She has lost someone that was central to her life. Now, maybe those things don't matter anymore to her. Try being supportive without any expectations.

Have you considered "Adult DayCare?"

I don't even ask my DH's siblings to do anything so I'd never ask a neighbor or friend.

Mind you, I have asked for help if DH falls and I can't get him up. But that isn't the same as asking someone to 'socialize' with him.

We have a senior center with lunch available Monday - Friday and 2 of his brothers go there - but DH still won't consider even just sitting and visiting - he doesn't want to eat their food.

I thought of Adult Daycare but if he won't sit with his brothers, I'd never get him to go to Daycare.

I sometimes feel we are glued at the hip, lol. But I tell people that this is the "flip-side" of my wedding vows.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help but I just wouldn't call on others to do anything.

OH! I forgot!! Your mother's 'place of worship' probably has visitors! Even though my dad was Jewish, they came to visit him weekly from Mom's church after she passed - and they did this for 7.5 years! It's definitely worth a call on your part.

Good luck Arwen31, I know it's difficult.

It sounds to me like your elder may actually need to be in a memory care facility. I'm sure others have probably caught on and realized this if they know anything at all. Perhaps you should take their lack of help as a hint to just put the patient into a memory care facility because maybe others around you are just not cut out for this kind of thing, so many people just aren't whereas others are

I would guess that you mother may never have lived alone or if she did it was a great many years ago. Just as parents can have a hard time coping with an empty nest the remaining person of a couple may just not know where to turn. Her daily routine, the conversations she and your dad had throughout the day, just the sound of someone else puttering around is gone, once you and the carers leave.

Before your father died, did she spend anytime alone in the house?

As far as her social life goes, it sounds like it has been a long time since she initiated social activities. It would be that your Dad helped to prompt her to go and visit and to make sure she was ready. If she was not doing that on her own before she is less likely to now.

What to do? Does your community offer a friendly visitor service? Can you invite her friends over for an afternoon visit and make sure you provide the snacks ahead of time?

I know you say you have tried to talk with her friends about her memory problems and inability to plan, but what about just asking them if they could help? Give specific ideas, like take Mum to lunch on Tuesday, bring the ladies over to knit at Mum's house on Sat am. Take Mum on a drive to see Christmas lights or a Christmas church service.

My Mum used to pick up a friend from her AL home and take her to lunch just once a month. Nora loved the outing. Yes, Mum had to plan to get there early and give Nora time to get ready, but once they were out they had a great time.

So much food for thoughts.
Thank you so much to all of you who took the time to read my post and all the thread.
I'm really grateful to you all.


© KnittingDtr
Yes, I’m realising that planning the activities more carefully is very important, you are right; a few weeks ago one of her friends took my mom to the cinema, I’m not sure what movie they watched but when she came back she was very confused for a couple of days!! At the same time, I still welcome the simple spontaneity of just letting them be who they are, even if sometimes they’ll do mistakes… the most important thing is that she doesn’t lose them because of her indecision, so your tip of inviting them over myself without giving too many explanation is exactly what I’ll do. Thank you for sympathising, I appreciate it so much!

@ Dulcikraut22 (what a sweet name you’ve got!)
I will pray for you and your parents as well. It must be so tough for you, I can understand that you are bracing yourself, so much. But you know, I read a few stories here where “early signs” just stayed “early signs” and never got worse. This is the approach that I’m trying to take now, and it’s helping me a lot.
I made a round of calls to my mom’s friend to update them after the summer on her health and tried to tell them about the memory problems, to be sure to tell the taxi driver her address if they couldn’t give her a lift home, these type of things, and then wanted to tell them, please remember to call her and be in touch and visit her cause she won’t call you even if she loves you… but I was too shy, and was feeling terribly awkward, so I just didn’t say it. So your idea to just keep in touch with them in a light, friendly way is very good. It’ll make me feel more spontaneous and less awkward! Thank you! :)

© ADCaregivers
“This means encouraging friends to contact you when they decide to visit her.”
This is precisely the point, you are absolutely right. I tried, with a couple of close friends, but they end up calling her, and not me, anyway, which is fine, but then she doesn’t remember who called who, for when, and for what … LOL. It’s a mess! My mom is 90% lucid and she can hold a conversation very well, so it feels weird to tell her friends to call me instead. Not to talk about the huge amount of time that I should dedicate to this, since she really know lots of people. Nevertheless, you are right! I’ll need to implement the regular appointments thing as many suggested, it sounds very businesslike perhaps, but it’s the only way I can have time to work, live my life, and take care of all the other vital things for her (medical, financial, house, carers etc)

As for getting organised for money and clothes way ahead, you are right here too.
I give her some weekly money for her expenses and then help her choosing her clothes every morning. This has been fundamental for being on time for appointments and making her feel independent at the same time. These seem small things, but they are not. They really help things running smoothly.

Thank you for your wise support. I’ve really appreciated it.


@Golden23

Thank you! :))) I will!


@ Seewell

My reality check has been realising that my mother was growing depressed, unmotivated and lonely without her people around because of her inability to get organised, not because she was depressed in the first place.
As an introvert, my personal expectations (from myself) are that you mourn your loss by yourself until you feel better. Because she’s not me, and she’s not an introverted, I’m trying to understand and implement what seems helping her feeling better. So no, I don’t think this is about me at all. Thanks anyway for taking the time to read.


@ RayLinStephens
I know, asking for help to friends is not easy, this is why I’m here, as I was unsure if this is something that people actually do… but I wasn’t thinking to ask them to socialise, nor more time, only a way to involve them in our life in a more meaningful way. A few have actually offered to help me, spontaneously, but I didn’t know what to ask, specifically, and how, but now I’ve had brilliant tips here and I’ll try to implement something small as a beginning, then I’ll report the experiment :)

You have been of help, RayLin, just being here!
Thank you!!

@DigitalBanker
Oh yes, most people are not cut for these things, you are right.
But no, I’m not complaining for lack of help, I promise. I’m wondering what’s the best way to say to people my mother loves:

“Guys, I’m sorry you won’t get any calls anymore, I’m sorry if mom will make you pay the taxi all of a sudden, and I’m sorry if she’ll forget to come for lunch the day you invited her but she does love you and miss you and talks about you all the time”

without disrespecting her and feeling awful.

I’m also wondering if our families in life are just our natural families or are extended families.
Like, my friends ARE my family. They’d jump in the fire for me, and I for them.
Is it the same for elderlies? do they love each other in the same way? if not, I’m really the only person my mom has on this earth and it is honestly scary.

I know, lots of rambling, I’m sorry.
I’m still in the phase of wondering lots of things apparently. One of the few things I know for certain is that my mom wouldn’t find this type of love in a memory care facility. Or maybe I’m wrong here too, and she would be super happy there, and would make new friends. I’ll let you know :)


@ Tothill
You are making me think, here.
Was may dad the organiser, the planner, the one who checked that everything was running smoothly in the house, and for her? Oh God, I had never realised it before, but in these last months I’m becoming aware of this more and more. Yes, Tothill, he absolutely was.

Is my mom used to live alone?
No, she isn’t. She never, ever lived alone.

You are right. You are very, very right. These are the real points, even more than cognitive decline, clinical depression or simple grief. She’s lost!

I’ve been very naive at the beginning, I just let her be by herself cause she was so exhausted of taking care of my father before he died, I thought she needed some time for herself. Then I realised she was going down, physically, psychologically, emotionally. It’s such a learning curve.
I’ll try again with some of her closest friends, and do what you say. Thank you for wording your post exactly as you did. It really helped me.

There are many churches that will help out in any way they can.

@Arwen31
I am so glad you came here to share your challenges and get advice. I have been helped a great deal from what you've written, the answers you've gotten and your responses to the people who are interacing with you.

I really like your insight about needing to realize your mom was depressed / challenged because she was having trouble getting organized for activities. There are so many subtle aspects of human behavior and psychology that we have to be open to observing to really know and help the people we are close to. Thank you for reminding me of that.

My mom has always been engaging with and happy when talking to other people, but she never was one to initiate outings very much and now that she has had health challenges, lost weight and has different side effects and physical changes, she turns down all offers of visits from family and friends. She spent about 6 weeks in a rehab facility after breaking her hip and she eventually got to where she actually participated in the weekly bingo games. I was pleasantly surprised she was actually interacting somwhat. She seemed to be in a better mood than when she was just at home alone all day until me and my kids come home. *sigh*

I think it is good you shrugged off the negative feelings you got from your therapist's comments, but I do understand the concept of letting a person "bear their own weight" in a sense because for years I was bearing the burden of my mother's decisions to cut herself off from others socially. I was so worried about what she was doing to herself that I was wearing myself down. I didn't realize how much so until I finally released that burden. I can't make her socialize or follow doctor's advice. She's a grown woman with free will. While I do still care, encourage and sometimes even fuss, I ultimately separate what I care about from what I control so I don't stress out.

I have a friend and a coworker who suggested I schedule some activities for my mom and just tell her they are part of how things will go if she continues living with me. They feel it will be good for her and she'll probably enjoy it once it gets going. I like the idea in a way, but I don't think I can handle the responsiblity of organizing that, seeing to it she actually participates, etc. while trying to handle my job, get myself together and raise my two middle schoolers. So for now I coordinate doctor's appointments, ask her if she's taking her meds and help with simple tasks at home as she asks me.

Her insurance company recently got her signed on with a home health company that will send out a nurse practicioner periodically and also provide a social worker to help with things like meals on wheels, requesting medical equipment, etc. I am hopeful that this is a step in the right direction to help her take better care of herself.

She really has her full mental capacity, but I can tell she has had a tough time adjusting to all the health challenges and how her capabiltiies are limited and the pain she has daily from her ailments. God is giving me strength and lots of friends to support and advise me. I am thankful for that.

I think I just needed to vent a bit to a community that can relate. Thanks to all who have read up to this point. This was way longer than I intended!

RE: Not knowing how to tell friends they can help

I just remembered I wanted to address this. I too have had friends and church members offer to help and I was at a loss for what to ask for. I thought to myself..."I can't ask them to come over just to give my mom medicine or wash our clothes because I'm exhausted."

After reading some of the comments here, I think next time I will ask them to do things like plan to visit on a certain day or to pick my mom up from the store or take her to a scheduled doctor's appointment. As my boss always says, "The worst that can happen is they say no."

Also, now that I think about it I can ask them to come over and keep me company just to get myself some "grown up time" because I have so little of it outside of work. Having someone to talk to makes chores more interesting for me and does wonders for my psyche.

For some reason I'm much more motivated to clean up or organize around the house when I have a visitor I'm comfortalbe with. I can relate to Arewen31's mom in not having the initiative to do certain things even when the desire is there. I think it has to do with not enough dopamine in my case, so I have to find ways to work around that. Socialization is one of them. (I discovered in my late 30s that I have ADD.)

Michelle, sometimes it's also difficult to accept offers of help. I had that problem for several years. I also felt guilty, and as if I should be able to handle everything myself. But we never really know until we're overwhelmed how much we really do need help.

And sometimes people don't have any idea what to do to help. There can often be an informational gap between the desire to help and the actual tasks that can be done by someone else.

Sometimes acceptance of offers as well as finding something appropriate can be just as challenging as trying to do everything oneself. I haven't yet found the best solution for this!

@Arwen 31,

In my town it is possible to get a taxi card or charge account. I am not sure how big the city is where you live, but I do know that you can do this in larger Canadian cities too. Basically you sign a contract with one taxi firm and all your Mum has to do is sign the slips each ride. Her account number will be linked to her home address.

It does limit her to using one firm, but it can be a great service. Especially if you can arrange for one or two drivers to be her regulars. An elderly aunt did this and it was a huge help.

@ Llamalover47
Thank you Llamalover, I'll keep it in mind!


@ Michelle
I can so relate to all you have written.

“There are so many subtle aspects of human behavior and psychology that we have to be open to observing to really know and help the people we are close to.”

I think this too. I’m trying to find a balance between objective medical realities, best practices and following my instinct. Generally, I’m very scared of labels such as “depression”, “dementia” etc as for some reason they seem to narrow our vision and prevent us to be open enough to perceive what’s really happening; at the same time, I do value people’s experience and wisdom immensely, and I’m aware my instinct can’t preserve me from feeling overwhelmed if I try to do and decide all by myself.

As for the burden: yes, trying to fit everything in one life is hard.
This is why I’m trying to involve friends, I guess I’m scared at the thought of getting too isolated perhaps and in the past having a team of people beside me in a difficult moment really helped, so I’m trying to recreate the same thing for my mom but also for myself… I’m only doing this though as my mother really loves being around people, a lot, in your case you are right, you can just lead a horse to the water…

I’m so very happy if you found this thread helpful. I can relate also to the need of having adult conversation, and “grown up” time. I know what you mean! Please feel free to vent anytime :)

I hope that your mom will fully recover soon and she won’t be in pain anymore. Does she live alone or with you? I think the nurse and the social worker will make a huge difference, even if they’ll come a few times a week, you’ll see. Social workers are amazing really, the one who’s helping my mom in the morning is one; he’s so full of ideas and resources and really has become our angel. They go out together, they cook, he takes care of the medicines, groceries shopping, cleaning and tiding the house a bit… and if there’s anything wrong he calls me.

And then yes, if we both succeed asking help to some friend for little things perhaps things will improve further…Help is on its way, hang in there!



@ Garden Artist
“There can often be an informational gap between the desire to help and the actual tasks that can be done by someone else.”

This is precisely the problem, not the lack of people, not the lack of generosity, is finding the right way, the right words, the right things that would really help without being too much for them, too much for my mom, too much for me to organize…

Ok. What if it was our friend’s mom who needed help? How would I like to be asked for a hand? Honestly, would I like to be asked AT ALL? Perhaps what I’d like the most is to be invited for something easy like for tea, watch a movie together, eat some cake and then be free in a couple of hours for the rest of the day…

How about you? What would you be able to fit in your life if a friend’s mom needed a hand?



@ Tothill
OMG, if I tell my mom that she can have a personal chauffeur she would just LOVE the idea!! It sounds very British, very Miss Daisy like!!

Tothill, you have a brilliant mind! Thank you so much for this tip, I’m definitely looking into it!



Now I’ll need to shut up and start working to organise all the ideas you guys have given me. Thank you so much, to all of you, you gave me much more I could have hoped for!! I’ll report back to you!