In my late 30’s with no kids, I’d like to know how caring for someone with dementia compares to children/toddlers.
I’ve been in a caring role pretty much my whole life,... one brother has a disability, my late brother got sick and passed and now I look after Mum with dementia.
Her outbursts often remind me of a toddler tantrum and the fact that when things are quiet, typically a mess is being made.
It has seriously started messing with my head and made me question if I want kids and I’d like to hear some perspectives / differences.
I know obviously kids learn rather than forget so that’s rewarding but if I’m burned out now with caring for Mum, will I ever cope as a parent? Or should I take this a clue that maybe I’m not suited.
I'm starting to find even the task of cooking for my mum and prepping her to bed exhausting. As in, I’m so tired that I’ve resorted to part microwave meals and at times I’ve simply nodded off on the sofa before getting her into bed. I’ve then got up to put her into bed and usually she’s been awake the whole time. I’d hate to think I'd be similar with kid(s) where I feed them microwave food and fall asleep before them!
I know it's a silly silly question but I guess not a lot of people tend to have the experience of looking after someone with dementia before they start their own family so they go in kind of blind.
Please tell me kids are a lot easier lol
Additional note: one of my friends has a baby/toddler and while we are going through similar responsibilities (ironically), she seems to still have all this energy to do stuff, go exercise, socialize, keep the house spotless etc. So I find myself wondering if it’s just me...
Not so with dementia. LOs with dementia are going in the opposite direction as toddlers. No amount of "discipline" and effort stops the relentless decline of their abilities. They lose their reason and logic and memory. They often do things that work against themselves (or you) without understanding or care; they lose the ability to show or express or feel gratitude; they require more and more care, not less and less like when a child grows and matures. They lose control of their bodily functions, and become sicker, not stronger and more vigorous like a child. If you think changin a toddler's poopy diaper is bad, sometimes dementia will have the LO remove the poopy diaper and fling it around. Or they'll openly masturbate in public or grab some stranger's derierre.
Children learn to communicate and can hear you, but often the very eldery can't; they may wish to be helpful but their physical collapse prevents them from it (arthritis, poor eyesight, neuropathy, judgment). Then there's the financial stress and possible loneliness when you can't go anywhere or do anything because your LO is bedbound and there's no one else helping you. Finally, there is the emotional toll that occurs as we have to stand by and watch our loved one disappear and/or suffer in spite of all our heroic efforts. Many elders here in the US have at one point or another said: "Getting old ain't for sissies." And neither is choosing to be a solo, live-in caregiver.
Children are learning independence and it is wonderful to.watch them grow and mature.
Caring for elderly.there is no growth, there is no learning to become independent. It is hoping, against hope, that they are able to do.some level of caring for themselves.
Some differences:
My grandson learns and improves on his behavior.
Mom does neither.
My grandson learns new and exciting things every day.
Mom forgets a bit more, daily.
My grandson is beginning to show empathy towards others.
Mom has zero empathy.
My GS goes through his days with a sense of hope and joy.
Mom has neither.
Please get yourself some help. Save your sanity.
Secondly, you can reason with a small child that has some language ability from the first they can learn to bargain. You can't with an elder.
Thirdly we come to the issue of HOPE. I cannot begin to say how many come to Forum hopeless, that being the worst part of it all. With a child there is nothing BUT hope. There is a whole life ahead, and whole future, for the child and for you. When it comes to caring for our elders it is loss upon loss upon loss, grief upon grief upon grief.
I cannot call them similar at all.
Older adults go in the opposite direction. There was an old saying; once a man, twice a child. They grow more frail, weaker and will eventually require tremendous amounts of care. It is a hard thing to watch a parent go from a healthy and functioning adult to someone who you now have to help dress, feed and toilet. Unfortunately, it doesn't get better. Those combative years in dementia can last a couple of years until finally they give up the struggle and succumb to their condition. Some seniors get extremely frustrated and fight their fate of impending death. These are their twilight years and some of them finally accept the fact that they are approaching their death.
It is a natural process and the progression of the disease.
So no, don't let the experience you are having with your loved one deter you from wanting children. I was your age when my mother died from cancer. I was blessed that her insurance paid for hospice and we had home health aides for both my sister and her. I had a disabled sister that I had to step in and provide care after mom died. I had one child and I made the mistake of not remarrying the right guy and having more children.
Look at this experience with your mom through another lense, and try to separate your life from your mom's life. See if you can get some respite care.
As others have mentioned, with children you celebrate new achievements. With elders, you mourn loss of abilities.
Having done both both at once (advanced dementia mother now 97, have 3 teens) the biggest hurdle I faced was probably attitude. My children seemed typical (they argued with me, and amongst themselves) but were generally cooperative and afforded me some respect. My mother, in complete denial of her own cognitive decline, was uncooperative, insulting, miserable, combative, self-absorbed and demanding.
I found it much easier to redirect a temper tantrum from a tired, hungry, hot, cold, uncomfortable, disappointed, frustrated toddler, than from a defiant parent who was certain she was entitled to tell me off and get her way every time because she was the ruling matriarch and I was just her know-nothing daughter.
Old people usually get the opposite reaction, especially as they age. They don’t even like being around each other, because even to them, it is depressing.
On the other hand, the elderly have already gained their legal rights and independence. It is much harder to have those same rights stripped and go back to being another person's dependent. Not only because of the time, cost, and money that it takes to do so, BUT because the elderly fight the process the whole time!! And if those rights aren't stripped, they take precedence over everything else -- even safety.
Love, and as a parent's commitment to raising a child, will get you through many difficult times with a child. Love and commitment will not do the same for a person taking care of someone with dementia.
Kids have tantrums and act up and get fussy but they don't bring you down. Kids aren't negative, hopeless, and miserable.
Now they cook meals for themselves.
The strong-willed toddlers that stamped their feet & yelled.
Chose what to study & what job. Earned money & moved out.
Sorry.. I am not really comparing well am I 😜
I've never had to deal with a toddler who literally KNEW how to drive a car and is living in a time period of being in their 30's for brief moments.
I've never had a toddler repeatedly bring up griefs of the past
Dementia? the erasure of skills, abilities, and control
Toddlers? the learning of skills, abilities, and control.
That's a good point about no toddler ever bringing up griefs of the past.
Funny how dementia works sometimes. They can often recall a person's most embarrassing, humiliating, and worst of your life with stunning accuracy yet can't remember their own address or how to use a toilet.
Seniors are exhausting, irritable, argumentative. You cannot make them even do the minimal to take care of themselves. The toilet issues are disgusting and cannot compare with the care of your own child.
I can say from experience changing an elderly person's diaper or pull-up is nothing like changing a baby. I'd rather change ten babies.
You know little kids get so excited when they're going to give an adult a gift. It could be something they make in school or something but they are so happy when they think they're making an adult happy. Not so with the elderly. They may tolerate a person having a bit of joy and not ruin it for them, but it doesn't please them in any way. Of course I'm not talking about all old people. Most of the old people I ever knew were like this though.
We have a tendency to forget that when they were babies, we had no energy left. We have a tendency to forget all the angst and appointments that had to be rearranged because we could not find babysitters. I never had a spotless house as I worked full-time (plus some) and didn't have a housekeeper or nanny. I remember my days of depression when my teenager just couldn't get "it" together. I remember the times that I had to take my toddler with me to work because there was no one to take care of them during school holidays. I remember the anxiety that I went through as I told my boss I couldn't go to work because my toddler was sick and I was forced to take vacation days. I remember being scared of my child being abducted if I wasn't there at all times.
When one decides to have kids (notice the fact that this assumes that one has a choice in the matter), they generally have made up their mind to make the necessary sacrifices and do the mental gymnastics for the next 18 years.
It isn't easy with a child and it isn't easy with an elderly person, however, I'm not sure that one is any worse than the other. It is just.....different.
With children, they are tiring at times but there is rejoicing as they progress. With dementia there is mourning with each loss.
Children are inclined to listen, elders demand you listen to them.
Dementia patients often don’t know there is something wrong with them children are usually eager to learn and try.
Both try your patience and strength.
Children grow up and become independent as you age. Dementia patients require more and more and more as you age.
Do not discount the physical toll of this. If you've ever lost a loved one, you know that those first days and weeks can be exhausting, because that is the nature of grief. But when caring for a LO with dementia, you are experiencing that grief every day. For years on end. Even if you never realize it or put a name to it, it is happening. And that is on top of the actual physical aspect of providing care.
I've got 5 kids and 3 granddaughters. I'm also the eldest daughter of a PITA old man with Parkinson's, who doesn't even have an "official" dementia diagnosis yet (but I know it's coming). 30 years of raising children/grandchildren was a cake walk compared to my father living with us for the past 3 years.
both can be irrational and moody
both take time and selfless energy
both are expensive
both will take advantage if you don’t set limits
both are longterm endeavors
both can break your heart
Different:
children aren’t in a state of perpetual worsening demented thinking
children are open-minded
children bring positive energy
children expand your world
children invite your inner child to come out
children provide comfort
children become more capable with each day
children can fill your heart
Adults with dementia become more and more dependent as the disease worsens.
Think of both situations starting at the same point, but gradually moving away towards opposite poles.
A toddler would not have taken a screwdriver and tried to take the lock off the gate that prevented him from "escaping".
A toddler would not then have taken a chair and tried to climb over said gate.
A toddler would not have figured out a way to open the garage door and walk to the store to get cookies. (by figured out I mean he opened my car door and pressed the button on the garage door remote to open the door)
A toddler would not have started the lawn mower and lowered the blade so that there was almost no grass left, then mowed the neighbors lawn, on the day after we moved into the house. (for 3-4 weeks I had to look at my neighbors scalped lawn whenever I looked out the window)
that is just a few of the interesting things I dealt with.
with a child, acceptance is automatic. We accept their dependence, their awkwardness, their different ways of communicating, with unconditional love, for the most part. Their struggles are met with encouragement and praise. It is normal and natural to see progress and growth, and we celebrate it. We can look forward to our future with them.
With my husband, it was not so. I have fought, in my mind , to change what came naturally in child care. It’s so unnatural to think of him as anything but totally capable. He built beautiful furniture pieces as a hobby. After 7 years of caring for Him throughout his Alzheimer’s decline, I have finally begun to accept this inevitable decline. With that acceptance has come more energy and even a more loving attitude toward the man I married. I realize that I can still celebrate the memories of our wonderful life together. And their are still precious moments even while experiencing this horrible disease. The difference is, we have to accept
that the future will come to an end.
A child comes as a 'blank slate' essentially, with a little personality and all, but for the most part, it's a joy and an honor to be entrusted with a little person to teach and mentor.
I have 5 kids and 14 grands, so I do know of which I speak.
I would rather have my 4 yo grandson whom we livingly refer to as the 'raccoon' for an entire day than have my mom for 1 hr.
Calvin is the poster boy for joie de vivre--life, everyday for him is a sweet joy. Mom is the poster girl for living too long and being miserable a lot of the time.
There's no comparison, really. CG for one is on the uphill slide and for the other? Downhill and kind of depressing.
The raccoon will come running at me full steam and leap on to me (ouch) and hold my face and say "I love you almost as much as I love my mommy" (He loves his mommy more than anything. My mom won't even touch me, much less hug me.
The absolute unconditional love I get from my grands is indescribably wonderful. I know I'm lucky and blessed. The lack of love from my mother is simply something I have come to expect.