How should I deal with the uncontrollable anger I feel towards my mum?

I hope things have improved for you since you posted this. I have only just read it but can identify with so much of what you say, especially 'I am ... so angry with her for lots of reasons, but mostly for giving up, being so stubborn and still being so nasty. I don't feel proud of this and really don't want to be having disagreements with anyone of that age...', and sometimes thinking that the only way for the impasse to end is for one of us to disappear - basically, die. My mum too gave up on walking after a few minor falls and has let herself go downhill horribly since she moved near to us. I have been having counselling for a year which has improved my self-esteem a bit but hasn't helped much with the internal conflict over what I want - not to see my mother much at all, as in the past before she moved here - and what she wants, which is for us to be in effect her unpaid skivvies, always on call, while she makes no attempt to be pleasant or to count her blessings.

I too so need to find a way of dealing better with her 'constant neediness, criticism and negativity', as it sucks the joy out of my (otherwise very good) life. I've read lots of books on narcissistic mothers and the relationship with their daughters - some even almost blaming us for feeling the way we do, as we apparently chose to 'make our parents' unkindness mean' certain things that have been harmful to our emotional development. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling and acting like a victim, but it takes so much effort to fight the negative brain training of over 50 years!

Old post.

I seriously feel your pain. You have just described a great percentage of my father's personality. He too is narcissistic and brings religion into pretty much all of our conversations. Has your mother been assessed for dementia,?
My Dad hasn't but I'm pretty sure he's got some stage of dementia. It would be easy if it was dementia in your mother's case and not just the shocking behavioural problems that go with narcissism.
Your have done the right thing however putting up boundaries like not ringing her everyday. In difficult situations like yours, it's important to set boundaries with elderly toxic parents, dementia notwithstanding. For your own well being and mental health especially. Otherwise you will end up breaking down. You don't want to die. You want her to die as I do my father who is 86 this year.
They wear you down to a little nub of intense anxiety and rage don't they?
Constant bloody whingeing and complaining. The more you do for them, the more they push. AND THEY'RE NEVER WRONG!!!!!
I imagine that you're around my age with a parent in their 80s. Although thankfully I have a very caring understanding partner, unfortunately my father lives in our home. It is the single most stupid thing I've done in my life was getting him to come live with us. He hasn't stopped complaining about how good things were back where he lived before. If it wasn't for him doing stupid things and for surrendering his license, we would've left him there. But his memory loss has worsened, his hearing which he won't get fixed is shocking.
So like you, I've had to set firm boundaries and interact less with him and you must also. Your situation is much worse as you have nobody to support you. Siblings don't give a s*** by the sound of it. Neighbours aren't helping. My dad had a lovely set of neighbours but I couldn't expect them to look after the old b******( as one of them called him).and old b******* live forever. 😬
Look all we can do is hope that one day it will all end for them, and we can live what's left of our own lives in peace.
I honestly hope things get better for you. Take care of you please. ❤❤

Catkins, I felt so tired when I read your post. It all sounds so familiar to me, and to many others on this forum. Forget the “judgement mob”. They have been fed on lies and should mind their own business or offer support, not criticism. It’s good to see you are setting some boundaries, such as whether or not there will be future visits after COVID, and choosing when you answer the phone. Nothing you do will ever be enough - I guess you can see that from all of the effort you’ve made that has been rejected by your mother over the years. Every time you go back and offer more, you are trying to appease and gain approval but you are wasting your time. These people just can’t give it. Try to ditch the guilt - you have nothing to feel guilty for. There is care available for your mother but if she rejects it that is her problem and her responsibility, not yours. Your mother sounds angry about her situation but it is unfair of her to treat you so poorly. Focus on what you want in life, and what makes you happy, which will do your health a whole lot more good than being the target of more abuse from your mother.

Hi I’m in the same situation. Uk, ‘Christian’ mum, brother in another country, dad long since passed away. Mum is 90 has refused all
help and lives an hour away, can’t get to the bathroom, kitchen and has been sleeping in a chair for months. Recently I stepped back, years of spiteful behaviour, accusing me of wanting to adapt her house for her needs so I can ‘increase the value of my inheritance’. I went out and bought everything I could think she might need, from toilet risers to a rise and recline chair, pod coffee maker so she doesn’t have to handle the kettle, I am fortunate to be able to do so, and probs my spent next part of £1000 on her - mum owns her house has significant savings so could easily afford to buy all this but would prefer not to so she can carry on complaining, I took that option away by just buying it all myself. She rejected the coffee maker, Zimmer frames, incontinence pants and pads and told me she would throw the rise and recline chair out into the garden! I then just said fine and walked away having made a referral to doctor, adult social services and the independent living team. one day later she asked me to sort out carers; i did, she sent them away. Next day she fell and ended up in hospital not from the fall itself as she was ok but because there was a safeguarding concern, she got herself discharged as an ‘unsafe discharge’ from hospital , refuses to take the water tablets meaning her legs have become weepy and infected, refuses to sleep in her bed or use her stairlift (the one she accused me stealing her money to buy 10 years ago when she broke her hip / i have no access to her money but that’s what she told everyone) and her legs are getting worse. Finally she has to agreed to a daily carer which has enabled me to step back even further; the carer has the patience of a saint and even she cannot understand why mum is refusing all the help, doctors, district nurses, etc all have told me they’re hands are tied unless she starts to engage, for info she has full mental capacity or it just recently she has become immobile, 6 weeks is the recovery time if she takes the tablets and gets her feet up in bed, she chooses it to. She had threatened to cut me out of her will because I called the doctor to which I’ve told her fine I’m ok with that. I’ve had all sorts of extended friends telling me I’m ‘wicked’ as I’ve stepped away, I feel such rage when I do speak to my mum and after days of her asking me to explain myself I confronted her with some of my issues from the incident of threatening to cut me out of the will when I called the doctor - the day after which someone else called too - and she was ok with that, to the time she beat me with a wire hairbrush as a child, culminating to when are held me out of a sash window threatening to let go, when I was 12, until I apologised for calling my friend a cow. There’s soo much more but these are some of the things i said. Her response “you need to get your facts right it wasn’t X who called the doctor on day 2 it was Y”. I challenged her that if my daughter has just accused me of trying to push me out of a window I wouldn’t be arguing about a recent doctors call, and that showed how deluded she was. By this time i was quite distressed but not her; she said “looking forward to seeing your new kitchen and coming to stay with you after Covid” I told her she’s not coming any time soon. I could go on, I’ve only touched on bits as the whole story sounds so I’m unbelievable, the manipulation, the spite, etc you couldn’t make it up. ‘The Judgement Mob’ are out in force trying to make me feel guilty, they need not bother I already do, however , for my own sanity I am choosing when to answer her calls, if at all, and have done everything to ensure she is safe, fed and cared for (meals on wheels a godsend!). I’ve concluded living with guilt is easier than living with spite. I’ve a good job which I’ve achieved because I’m driven by fear of failure due to childhood

Just saw your response to Country Mouse. You may want to "grey rock" Mom. Its based on showing no emotion at all. You don't engage with her.

https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#offer-nothing

People on the forum say this book is good

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Boundries&qid=1614006045&sr=8-1

So sorry this is your experience of a mother. I hope that other kind women were in your life to mother you since she never did.

Please realize that your mother has mental illness. She probably also has Alzheimer's disease since 75% of seniors 75 years old and older have it to some extent.

Please consult the local authorities about getting your mum out of her home - which is a health and safety issue for herself and you (and most likely the neighbors). In the U.S.A. usually a person who is a threat to themselves can be involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric facility for evaluation and treatment. I am fairly sure there are similar laws in your area. She definitely needs this. While she is being evaluated and treated for mental health issues, please make sure she gets a thorough physical and neurological evaluation to identify dementia and other health challenges. The health care professionals should deal with her multiple health problems and you can take that burden off your shoulders.

Most likely, your mum needs to live in a long term care facility that can address all her health challenges. All of her assets may need to be liquidated to help pay for her care - not your finances. When she is placed, please consider visiting her as your only duty as her daughter - as long as your mental health does not get impaired.

I pray that you can find a measure of peace once your mum has the help she needs.

Feel your pain as a fellow Uk daughter suffering with a role that I just found myself in after my mother passed. I have reached an angry toxic stage just now too culminating with me having an outburst at the dinner table this evening. Sometimes I think we just feel so trapped and taken foregranted. I hate my self pity and anger outbursts but at times it just reaches a boiling point. Just take a step back, get some sleep and pray that if you have kids you won't be like this.

It’s been a hard lesson for me to learn that it is, at appropriate times, okay to say NO to our parents. Especially when our own mental health is at stake.

you mother, being in an abusive marriage has learned how to manipulate to cope. She is lashing out at you, which is wrong. Your role is not her rescuer.
You can see her on your schedule. It gives you the power to decide your time.
That she has barricaded herself shows mental health issues.
My mother is also stubborn. We wish them better but they are adults and have to live the path they chose. We can't make anyone change.
It is her loss for a healthier life, and a close relationship with you. It takes two to make a good relationship. If she tears it down then she is not invested in it.
My mother complains also, probably her need for power and to be in control ( which she doesnt have-it just makes her look bossy). We all wish for a story book loving mother, but real life deals us a selfish one,

Lioness, this another of the many comments that apply to you and so many other people on our site. Your mother chose to marry and to have children. She had an obligation to care, and from the sound of it she could have done a better job, emotionally at least. Alienating 6 out of 7 children tells its own story. Some other parents do it worse, and you can be sorry for those children, but that doesn’t make you responsible for your own parent. Adult children do not have the same obligation to care for their parents, certainly not to provide hands-on care or to receive abuse. The most you should aim for is to try to see that she has adequate care. That doesn’t mean doing what she demands because she doesn’t want other carers involved, or because she enjoys insulting you, or because she has mental health issues.

You don’t have to ‘cut the ties’ completely, and your last words don’t have to be ‘ugly’. Minimise the contact to what you can handle. You can leave her shopping outside her barricaded door. It would be good for her to get out of bed and put it away. You can leave a ‘Seasons Greetings’ card for her, with nice words in it. You can push the door open a little, wave a hand through the gap and wish her a good day – loud enough for her to hear it over the TV! You can give her phone numbers for the “doctor, electrician, gardener, cook, accountant” etc, with a nice little note at the end of the list. You can have a faulty phone that just drops out on calls that are getting unpleasant, no need to lose your temper.

Follow Country Mouse’s advice (she's our UK expert), try to get mother into the official care system, and try to limit your involvement and your expectations. Keep them both down to what you can manage without doing yourself a lot of damage. Best wishes, Margaret

Please, for your own sake don't spend Christmas with her. There's a wise old saying about misery loving company, and the holidays are the best time of the year to really make people miserable. You don't have to cut ties with her. Not at all. When you go to see her and she starts getting snide turn around and walk out. Of course you don't want to be having disagreements or fight with someone her age. Let me tell you something. Old age does not give a person a free pass to bully others and treat them abusively. Put a caller ID on your phone so you can screen her calls. You don't have to answer every one. Refuse to listen to any of her complaining whether it's about her caregivers or anything else. Hang up on her if you have to. Walk away. She will either get the message and stop behaving so abusively to you or she will stop speaking to you altogether. Either way, you will have a better time of it.

Thank you all for your valuable responses.

On the question of obligations, I struggle to separate the sacrifices that are made when bringing children into the world and keeping them on the right track to ensure they are good people. I give my mum credit for that at least as we hear every day of the abandonment and physical abuse that so many children suffer. This is not to excuse the mental and emotional abuse that me and my siblings have suffered. I struggle with the knowledge that she wasn't and isn't a well, fully balanced and mentally able person.

To the question as to who is on my team, I share my frustrations with a couple of friends, some who are in similar situations to my own, but none can offer the practical tips which I think I will find here or by seeking the professional services you have suggested.

Thank you again, its good to know this isn't just something I'm battling with. x

Lioness, your mother is controlling you through her behaviour. You are completely worn out with the Fear, Obligation and Guilt your mother has instilled in you. She dominates your life and has diminished you to the point that you are wondering whether there is any point to life itself. There are however two postive aspects in your post. Firstly that you have called in professional caregivers - ignore your mother's criticisms of them as this is just to further control you into continuing to be her primary caregiver. You might consider calling in more help to deal with some of the many jobs you have listed, and so reduce your burden further. Secondly that you have cut back on the daily contact you were giving - in this case I would decide what is the right amount of contact that YOU can cope with, and stick to this new plan that YOU have decided upon, not your mother. Perhaps you hadn't realised it, but you have already made a start on setting boundaries, so continue doing this in order to create some space for yourself and for your needs. Many of us have been in your situation, and have used a variety of ways to cope, so you will find plenty of help, support and advice here. Keep us posted and we will try to help.

2020 brought me peace in some ways--I divorced my MIL. She always picked fights with me and well---something snapped this year. I had just recovered from a rough year (cancer) and upon seeing her when my hair began to grow in, her comments were "when is this cancer going to come back?" (she had not acknowledged the cancer in any way, shape or form).

Other stuff followed, but ended when she began SCREAMING at me, literally, so loud I'm sure the neighbors heard. I got up, slapped her gently on the back and said "V, I am giving you the greatest gift. I'm DONE with you. I will never see you again. Have a great life". And I slammed out of there and have not returned and will not return.

Dh sat in his deafness (deafness + selective hearing) and didn't pay any attention to me.

So now he does not have a buffer to take when he has to visit her.

8 weeks ago he went to fix something for her, she began to scream at HIM and he finally did what I did. Told her he was done with the nonstop toxicity and walked out. Hasn't seen her since. Ignored her birthday and will ignore her on Christmas.

Will she care? Nope, not one bit.

I am perfectly FINE, DH is struggling a little. Guilt is getting to him, but he may be able to remain strong. I am encouraging him to go to therapy to work out the years of abuse and nastiness. Up to him.

I just feel sorry for my SIL who now has ALL the burden of this nasty, angry hateful woman in her lap. The OB walked a couple of years ago and hasn't seen nor spoken to MIL since.

We've been written out of her will but DH is still the executor. What a mess.

What bothers me most about your post is this line: "Finally, I have stopped calling everyday because her constant neediness, criticisms and negativity has worn me down to the point that I want either one of us to go, just for the peace." Are you saying you wish you would die in order to find peace? If so, you've reached a very bad place in this 'relationship' with your mother & you are MUCH better off cutting her out of your life entirely than you are to proceed on a course where you'd prefer death over a life like THIS.

Your mother wants her 'independence' which means that she wants to stay in her home at YOUR expense, while you are doing everything; being the chief cook & bottle washer, while she complains about all of it. That's not 'independence' but full DEPENDENCE on another person for being too selfish to move into managed care or to hire in home help. That's the truth. See it and recognize it for what it truly IS.

If you can no longer do this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to, then here's the conversation: Sorry mother but I can no longer contribute to your death wish by refusing to move out of the bed & help yourself to get back on your feet. If and when you are ready to take charge of YOUR LIFE, please give me a call & leave a message on my voicemail. In the meantime, I wish you good luck and Godspeed.

You can't save a person from herself. You can, however, save YOURSELF from a toxic person. Before it's too late for you. She's lived her life, she's made her choices, horrible as they are. But you don't have to continue to enable her to live this way, or to watch her die this way. And you have way too much to live for yourself to even be making such statements as you've made. CREATE the peace you desperately seek in your life by setting down some boundaries for yourself.

Wishing you the best of luck; I know how terribly hard all of this is b/c I have a very, very toxic mother myself. I limit my contact with her AND she lives in a managed care residence about 4 miles away.

You've brought in professional caregivers - have you involved Adult Social Care from your local authority?

I really wouldn't lock yourself down with her over Christmas! - but what Tier are you and she in, both the same level?

"Detaching with love" is the skill you want to work on, it seems. No easy task. But it can be done.

What kind of support do you have for yourself, emotionally and practically? Who is there on Team Lioness?

Narcissism has been discussed over and over on this forum. It is not curable because the person suffering from it does not see where they are wrong. Its everyone else's fault. And you will find that there is always one child that has empathy. That gets caught up in the care. Why? IMO its the personality and maybe they are hoping that by showing some love, they get some back. But Narcissism is a disorder. The brain, again IMO, is wired different. I really think they are born that way and can pass the disorder on. I have seen it with a friend of mine. She finally had to say "I'm done".

Please, do not move in with this woman or move her in with you. For now u can walk away when u want or need to. Looks like u have set boundries to a point by not calling. It goes the other way too, you don't need to pick up the phone. I may be brutally honest with her, and not in anger but quietly, when she gets snarky. "Mom...you have 7 children and out of those 7 who does for you? Well, if you would like me to continuing doing for you I think I deserve a little respect. You need to stop the constant neediness, criticisms and negativity towards me. I do what I can do. So this is how its going to be. Everytime you criticize, show neediness or negative, I will walk out." And you need to do it. At 87 she needs u more than u need her. You need to set Boundries. You are an adult, not a child anymore.

There was a question on the site asking if the OP was enabling her mother by doing things for her when she was at her home. A reply was not enabling but disabling. If your Mom can do it herself, let her. Enabling is giving a drug addict the drug or an alcoholic a bottle of whiskey. Or giving them money knowing they will use it on drugs and alcohol instead of a good meal. Disabling is doing something for someone who is perfectly able to do it on their own. May take a little longer to do. Maybe a little harder but they will get it done.

Country Mouse is from the UK and works in the health field. She maybe able to help you with resources for Mom.

"...I dont have it in me to cut the ties at her age and I know that I will need to see her again and really seeking practical tips on how to surpress my anger, whilst there and stop feeling so guilty once I have left."

Think of suppressing anger akin to a volcano. For a while you'll get along with just having the magma grow inside of you like the dome of Mt. St. Helens until BOOM - you burst and spew lava all over the place to release the pressure.

Suppressing your anger is not dealing with the actual problem. You are AVOIDING your actual problem. Your anger will turn to rage. Why are you sparing your mother from confronting her? Why are you not capable of being direct with your mother and saying something like "Mother, I am very angry at how you have let yourself go and how you expect me to do everything for you. I can't do it anymore and I'm in need of a break from you. You need professional help."

Your siblings have established healthy boundaries for themselves. Unfortunately, because you enable your mother to do little to nothing for herself, they avoid you along with her. I think it's you who doesn't see the hurt that she has caused your siblings. From the sound of your post, you are hurting too but you choose to allow your mother to continue to hurt you whereas your siblings have chosen to stop allowing their mother to hurt them.

Welcome to the forum. You will learn a lot from this forum if you open yourself up to learning and trying new things. Only you can change the dynamic with your mother. You can't change your siblings.

I am only thankful that you have not moved in with her, nor allowed her to move in with you. Of course, you understand that with her personality this likely will at some point be a commandment to go along with all the rest. Don't do it! That is crucial.
You will have to start to get her registered for what aid is available for her within the community if you don't wish to continue to do it. Once you start making yourself responsible for things, you somehow continue to be so, and it is very difficult to unwind.
I would stop expectations of change. There will be no Christmas Miracles; that's the movies. She is exactly who she is and with age that will increase. I would stop pretending that there is anything but obligation here, at least in your own mind, and would do what I am willing to be, and let the rest be on the community at large.
There really are very few choices here. Back away as much as you can. If that results in hospitalization then the Social Workers should be informed you are already doing more than you are willing to do. Don't pick up more.
So sorry this is what you are saddled with, but dependent on how old she is there are decades of this to get through,
You are going to have to begin to stand up for yourself. For instance: "I can stay and unpack the groceries, but only if you turn off the radio and TV while I do so; up to you". Snide remark? Out the door you go. It is called training by reinforcement of HER behavior. It will be good for her to get up and unpack.
As to the religiosity thrown in, that's only good for a giggle.
For myself, mother or no, I wouldn't be involved with this person. I know my limitations, and accept them. She would be in the care of the State in so far as they are willing to care for her. I find people often continue in the care because they were raised and trained to take on the abuse of a person, and to be kept "down" to such a level they cannot rise in their own defense.
We often hear from people in care of someone abusive who bemoans the fact that the other children do not participate in care. To my mind I always think that those were the wise children who recognized the paralysis created by abuse in return for help, and moved away from it.
I wish you the very best of luck. You will see your story repeated here so often. I haven't seen many good answers other than removing yourself from the abusive situation.

I’m glad you found this forum, welcome! I’m sorry for your experience with your mother, no one deserves to be treated poorly by the main person who’s supposed to look out and care for them. There is a lot of info and support on this site for adult children of narcissists. It’s sad how amazingly common it is. Use the search feature to look for some of the several discussions, I’m sure they’ll be of help. Also sure some of these who’ve lived it will be along to support and help. I wish you a more peaceful life