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Hi! I have a caregiver from an agency that comes in regularly to take care of my mom. My mom has dementia, is immobile, slow to process questions, etc. basically can’t do anything for herself. This caregiver bugs me. She is very experienced and very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding) but I am bothered by how she baby talks to my mom and wants to “make her beautiful” by putting barrettes in her hair (which my mom has never used in her life). Anyway, I’m ok for her to make changes as long as it’s for facilitating ease of care. How do I address this with her without being rude? Am I making a big deal about this? Thanks for reading!

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This is a common problem to varying extents in our country especially our healthcare system- disrespecting our elderly population. As my mother reached her 80s people began to address their questions to us and call her honey and sweetie. She hated that. Her 80 was the new 60- she was still active (busier with activities and more mobile than me sometimes ). After a stroke a couple years later this barely changed although during that time nurses doctors and aides often treated her poorly. I think this is all exacerbated by the current system of having hospitalists run pt care at hospitals rather than a doctor who is more familiar with them especially if they have a complicated medical history. I believe this contributed to the hospital where we took my mom completely missing (even though we told them ) that our mother was in the process of having a second stroke. Indeed , after leaving her overnight for “observation”(?) we returned to find her unable to move her entire left side despite being ambulatory and mobile the night prior - worse still was that the staff had completely missed that this was a change in condition and merely rationalized that it was residual from her prior stroke! Anyway - off topic a bit but showing how damaging this can be.
I’d first see how my mother felt about the baby talk and barrettes . ( and notably depending on type and persistence of any baby talk it is actually instrumental for BABIES who should not actually be spoken to like they are adults ) anyway - if she’s okay with it I would grit my teeth and try to endure — some adults do regress to that point where they may not only tolerate but actually enjoy being treated in that way. However if she is bothered by it or not at that point then I would mention it to the caregiver. If the hair is an issue getting adult style hair clips might be a good idea. And my mom enjoyed having her nails done nicely which I continued fo do for her when I could and some of her caregivers did as well.
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I understand how baby talking to your adult mother could be irritating to you. But, if your Mom finds it soothing to be treated this way, I would let it go, especially since she is a very good care giver. However, just make sure the caregiver does not have ulterior motives-like offering to go back home to live with her and take care of her. Or, gain access to her personal possessions, information, money, or prescriptions. I had a that situation and stopped it. Thankfully, I had medical directive and power of attorney on my friend/extended family, Margarethe. The woman was an acquaintance of hers and visited her once a month or less in the nursing home. She had two young children, prior drug charges (and jail time), still was a user of illegal drugs, drinker, and just all around deceitful person. She was looking for a place to live outside her family’s house. She offered to take care of Margarethe at home. I researched the women’s background and got copies of recorded jail and drug charges. I then provided that information with a letter to the nursing home telling them under no circumstances is Margarethe ever to go with this person outside the facility. My friend had vascular dementia and was in a wheelchair. Margarethe liked her daily wine when she was at home and met this woman because she was the step granddaughter of man who was best friends with her husband when he was alive. They were all drinking buddies at one time. They never helped her at home except to get her liquored up. Although my friend passed a year ago, I am glad that I fought that battle. Good luck with everything.
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Oh my.. sounds like she wants to care for children. My mom needs bobbie pins to keep her hair out of her eyes. If your mom does not object I would ignore it. Grating on your nerves and would bug me ….but if she does a great job otherwise let it go. I would be grateful if we could only afford help and get me off the hook..
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Leave it alone. She's not hurting your mom and the important tasks are all handled well. Let it go. Hurt her feelings over something trivial and the next one may handle all those 'real' tasks quite poorly. Big deal over nothing.
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You ask this care giver why she would want someone to talk to her that way. Has she seen success with baby talking with anyone? Has she tried other ways of talking to get your mom's attention?
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Go ahead and be rude. Baby talking to an adult is insulting and should not be tolerated. I think it's important that adults, even demented adults, need to be addressed with dignity and affection; not talked down to.
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If it does not offend mom, let it go … Good caregivers are hard to find . Professionals in the field teach that actions impact dementia patients much more than the spoken word .. It very might be good for your mom . As long as moms face isn’t being painted up like a clown or she reacts negatively towards this caregiver, leave it be …
If she is far enough along with dementia her reality could very well be of a 5 year old.
I am the 24/7 caregiver for an adult 80 year old man .. He is in the seventh year of this disease. He is a 285 pound 5 year old that reacts and understands better if spoken to as a child . He can not process adult conversation.
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MCassan: The caregiver is very experienced and very good at the technical aspect of her job. Perhaps the so called 'baby talk' is a moot point because experienced caregivers may be hard to find.
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Just tell her it's unacceptable and put a stop to it. If you don't want her sticking barrettes in your mother's hair, she has no business doing so.

These people are EMPLOYEES, not employers, or charity workers.
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What exactly do *you* consider "baby talk"? Is she using a cooing voice like one would with a baby? What is she actually saying to your mother? Without knowing what you mean by "baby talk" I don't know if you're overreacting or not.

As far as the barrettes go, let it go. There's no harm in her playing with your mother's hair. It's positive attention and interaction.
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Just to make sure I understand she does an excellent job of caregiving and your bothered by her putting a barrette in her hair? Maybe further context will help lend some understanding as to the reason this has you contacting a support forum, we are here to lend support but sometimes further clarification or context needed. Regarding “baby talk” that’s a broad area - so pls give a couple specific examples, does she address your mother as “hi baby” or “what does baby want” or is it more like her calling her sweetie etc? There’s a big difference between overdone “what does little baby want to eat” and simply addressing her in an endearing manner such as sweetie. What’s relevant here though is how the care recipient takes to it, since her caregiving is good/ excellent in itself, it’s important to separate your own personal likes or dislikes about this from what your mom likes. She may enjoy or benefit from the bit of pampering she gets
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In my CNA class, we were taught to address the Resident as Mr./Mrs unless otherwise requested by the Resident to use first name, or if a family member told us she used a nickname. Baby talk was a big no.
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hereiam May 2023
"Baby talk was a big no."

I'm so glad to hear that. It's demeaning. They're adults.
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I see many here don’t like baby talk.

I’m the opposite. In my house, everyone is called baby. My husband and I call each other baby. I call my two teen girls baby. Our little poodle is also called baby. I baby talk to the kids and they are fine with it. We all baby talk to the little poodle. That’s how we show affection.

We don’t do that in public though.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 May 2023
I don't think that is what the OP means. I think she means "baby talk" like you do with babies and toddlers. "How is my sweetums doing today" "my widdle baby" 😊 And if it is the aide calling a client "baby" thats disrepectable, I think. You call them by their first name, Mrs/Miss/Mr with last name or like they did with my Mom, Miss Peggy. I think that shows respect and love.
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It is important.

Good caregiving isn't just about physical needs (bathing...whatever). It's also about how you talk, etc., psychological needs. A caregiver can intentionally or unintentionally do a lot of psychological harm to a client.

Addressing babytalk with the caregiver is important, if the babytalk bothers your Mom. In our case, the babytalk really annoyed my elderly sister.

If you're afraid to speak up, that's not a good sign. It's probably the wrong caregiver, if one feels so intimidated one can't make polite suggestions. Our caregiver stopped the babytalk right away. I just politely said, please stop.
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I think you're making a big deal out of it. I think humans have a tendency to project their own feelings onto a situation in order to make sense of it. While the baby talk would be grating, how bad is it really, in the scheme of things? Is it her tone of voice or is it actual baby talk (How's my widdle patient today? Would her like a pwetty barrette in her pwetty hair?) My mom, who is 92 and with mild dementia, loves being fussed over. She sits in her room at the nursing home all day long, with few people to talk to, so she loves when the nurses and the aides tell her how pretty she is and how much they love her. They bring her headbands and paint her nails for her. They tell her she's their favorite and they wish she was their mom. If they're lying, so what? Mom eats it up and it makes her happy. As long as she's clean, fed, and kept comfortable, I plan to pick my battles.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
This really is the bottom line. If mom is satisfied, that’s all that matters.

Baby talk would absolutely drive me crazy but if it makes someone else feel special, I say, go with the flow.
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The only important question here, to my mind, is how does your MOM feel about this caregiver. You have already told us she is excellent at her job; if mom loves her and enjoys this attention then it would be all answered, for me, at least. I am 80 and I can't even stand to be addressed as "dear". I am not their dear, nor their deer either! But some folks just love it. And the important person in this issue is your mom.
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Sarah3 May 2023
it really is what matters here since the actual caregiving she states is very good and responsible, what matters is how the care recipient who is her mother takes to it, not the op. If her mother seems to be ok or even enjoy the kind words that’s what matters. One day if the op requires a caregiver that will be up to her.
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Being direct and clear is not being rude.

Start with "Thank you for caring for my mom as you do, I really appreciate you." Then ... You give her an example of how to speak to your mother and ask her, the caregiver, if she understands.

If you do not want barrettes or things like that, tell her. Thank you, but no barrettes. "Just do it like this" ... and show her. Perhaps part of the communication is that you are leaving 'so much' up to the caregiver. Of course, some things like this (hair styles/decorations may happen - this is when you get the care giver back on track).

Expressing yourself in a kind and clear manner is being respectful to the caregiver, and anyone else you speak to.

And, by asserting yourself with this care provider, you are showing respect to your mother.

Do not give your inner power away to a caregiver, or anyone else.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Hopeforhelp22 May 2023
TouchMatters - I actually disagree w/you because in my opinion, it's just not worth it in the bigger picture. You really don't know how the caregiver is going to receive the information - whether she'll be offended or uncomfortable now in how she interacts.

I prefer to just show gratitude to someone who is doing so much to help and assist.
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If it does not seem to annoy your mom, personally I would let it go. I often have the same dilemma with my mom but I have to learn to separate my own reactions from what she might be experiencing. If she is in dementia she may like it more than you realize. These are expressions of kindness from the caregiver, and as I'm currently dealing with the abrupt communication and rough handling by one of my mother's caregivers in a facility, and it has caused me no end of pain and grief, I would give anything to have someone baby talk my mother. When she had all her wits about her, yes, I preferred people to talk to her as an adult. But as she has rather rapidly slipped into memory loss I notice she responds to more tenderness and silly communication then she did before. She latched onto a caregiver who would drive me crazy because the caregiver is silly with her... And I almost remonstrated her, but it turns out she holds hands with that caregiver and says she "reminds her of someone she knows". Expressions of kindness, however they are made, are critical at the end of life. We also have to be careful about demoralizing good caregivers because they may choose to quit, and if she's great at these other tasks you don't want to lose that. Not so easy to see to find these days. Best of luck to you.
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I can understand how that might bug you. I guess I’d have to decide if it was worth loosing someone who obviously cares a great deal for your mom if she breaks into baby talk and wants to add a pretty thing to her hair. If it were me, and it didn’t seem to make my mom upset, I’d let it go, and just take the barrettes out when she leaves. But, that’s me.
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When I worked in a hospital, complaints to management about patient communication included baby talk and the word sweetie. If the care agency is diligent, can you ask them to communicate to all staff? In that way, the offending person may not know that the complaint was about them personally and that it becomes generalized. Do let the manager know that mom's care is exemplary and explain to the manager about generalizing the complaint so as to make it a teaching moment to all staff.
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Good Morning,

Let it go...do you know how lucky you are to have a caregiver who is providing all of the necessities of daily living. Don't we all love to be pampered. There is a labor shortage nation wide. Believe me, caregivers are not overpaid, more like overworked, underpaid and it is back-breaking work.

You have to speak slow, calm and loving with dementia patients.

I wish you could send her over to my place. I need someone to do my hair!
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If it annoys your Mom, definitely do something about it. It annoyed the heck out of my elderly sister. I told the caregiver politely, to stop. I myself also find it very demeaning, to speak to an adult with baby talk. I really think all caregivers worldwide should stop that. They're not babies! They're adults who unfortunately, for whatever reason, need care. We'll all need care too, if we live long enough.
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The baby talk and barrettes would annoy me as well.

However....try to overcome your annoyance and let it go.

If this particular caregiver is "very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding).." then overlook the other things that annoy you but are harmless and may actually be giving your mother comfort.

I have 3 caregivers currently and each one of them annoys me in her own way but they're not caring for me, and they are kind to my mother while I get out for a couple of hours.

Peace.
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Dementia in many cases takes the patient back to when they were a kid. My mom liked to be told she was a “pretty girl” and in taking care of her, I think she got the love and care that she always wanted and never received from a hard upbringing. I no longer care for my mom but her caregivers baby talk her and if that doesn’t bother your mom, it shouldn’t bother you.
Barettes and baby talk are expressions of love and it might not be the love language you respond to but if it makes your mom have a good day in the 36 hour day, let it be.

You also don’t know how this will be received. Imagine if the caregiver goes extreme and becomes super cold and grey rock on your mom, doing the bare minimum.

I can see how it could annoy you but you are not the human at the center of this issue.
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Baby talk would drive me crazy too! (Frankly, I'm sick of every cashier calling me "hun." Wish I had a passive-aggressive come-back. I'm 62.) That said, we had plenty of worse experiences w some of my mom's aide. Teen Mom, who stole her change jar. Meth Girl, who brought her own laundry--without asking come immediately to mind
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I see both sides. The caregiver seems to be doing a good job in the things shes needed for most so you could say pick your battles

But this would drive my crazy. Could she be approached, by prefacing how much you value her and appreciate her but would also prefer she not baby talk?

It might very well be the aide has no problem with stopping it and would be glad to know your preferences.
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Yeah, that would drive me crazy too.... BTW when it's done to older people it's known as elderspeak, you can google that term.
BUT you have to pick your battles and since this person is kind and competent you may have to swallow your reaction, believe me when I say there are worse things. Usually when my mom's caregivers were there I made sure that I wasn't, that way there was less chance of me getting bothered buy the small stuff.
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If your mother isn't bothered by the baby talk and the hairstyling, or even seems to like it, then you need to leave it be no matter how badly it sets your own teeth on edge.

If your mother is bothered by it, then you refer the caregiver back to her person-centered care guidelines.
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You're making too big a deal of it.

Let the caregiver express her own personality. Do you know how boring it is to be with an immobile demented patient for hours and hours and hours? It makes caregiver happy to keep your mom looking nice, so be glad she's not letting mom lie there all day with her hair hanging in her eyes and no one to talk to. Let her manicure your mom's nails if she wants. Or give her a pedicure. Anything to ward off the stultifying boredom of what they're both going through.

My mom's caregiver during her dementia dressed her carefully in her nice clothes every day. She cut her hair and curled it. She put mom's pearls on her and they chose the earrings for the day together. Mom's nails were usually nicely lacquered and her makeup on - lipstick, eyebrow pencil. This gave them something to do, something in common, and smiles. Because right around the corner, mom was going to die in a horrible way. Why not enjoy what you can while you can?

As for the baby talk, so what? It might irritate you, but you have all your brain. It may be just what your mom wants and needs, a feeling that someone is nurturing and caring, just like when she was a well-loved little girl. Which hopefully she is again in her own brain.
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Sounds like your mom’s aide is doing a good job aside from the baby talking. She seems highly competent so I’d let this concern go unless your mother is complaining.
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